Belonging to Lust

Listening to Alice list all the reasons why the simple idea of getting back together with Alan wasn’t a possible option made sense to Zaiyia. There wasn’t a single point she didn’t cover that defended her reason to not forgive that heartbreaker, NOT a single one! In fact all the bullet points were so justifiable that Zaiyia couldn’t bring herself to dispute them on Alan’s behalf. Hating that the fool has made this a helluva lot more difficult than she ever foresee it being before, Zaiyia had to stay her ground. As correct and rightful as Alice was, she was still in love with Alan and wanted to be with him. She couldn’t convince Zaiyia otherwise, and so in that same low and tranquil voice she’d been speaking in this whole time, she inquired. “I hear you, girl, I hear you. But…I can’t help but wonder that if nothing has been working with helping you move on from Alan than perhaps sitting down with him, talking things out, and maybe, just maybe, getting back together might. That’s all I’m saying.”

Alice stared at Zaiyia like she just proposed the dumbest idea ever, and in her eyes she had. Getting back with Alan after all he’s done to her would be the dumbest thing ever done in the history of womanhood! She didn’t understand why her friend wasn’t grasping why it wasn’t an option for her and so she reiterated once again her reasonings. “Zaiyia, he dumped me because he didn’t want me anymore! Don’t you get that?”

“Oh, I get it.” Zaiyia murmured before Alice continued onward as if she didn’t hear her.

“Besides, why in the world would Alan want to get back with me if he threw me away like yesterday’s trash!?” Alice finished, throwing her hands up in both frustration and confusion. If she wanted to get back together with her ex, then that was one thing, but as far as she was concerned HE didn’t want to get back together. There can’t be a relationship without the cooperation of two people.

Lord, if only Alice knew. But unlike the adored blond, Zaiyia was the only one at their secluded stone table outside of their high school that was aware of how much Alan regretted his decision in breaking up with her and badly wanted to get back together. But of course, the celebrated footballer was too much of a scaredy cat to put on his big boy pants and earn Alice back like he should! That is precisely why he chose to recruit her, Zaiyia Halifax, to be his genie and grant his wish with a snap of her finger. If only it was that easy. Holding up both palms in the form of a white flag, Zaiyia replied. “Okay, Alice. You right. There’s no way in hell I can sit here and argue against what you’ve just told me. You have every valid reason under the sun to not walk up to that fool and get back together with him.”

“Thank you.” Alice nodded in thanks, though she didn’t feel grateful to Zaiyia for finally giving her her flowers. It was weird that she didn’t. Instead she only felt more defeated and disappointed that she was right in her resistance to get back together with Alan.

Refusing to give up, Zaiyia asked Alice. “So what if we were talking about Alan wanting to get back with you instead then? How would you feel about it?”

Alice had to scoff that enticing fantasy off, and shook her head. “Oh, Zaiyia. There’s no reason we should even be discussing that possibility right now. We would’ve already been back together if he had.”

“Do you mean that?” Zaiyia pressed on, leaning forward into the edge of the stone table, her brown eyes locked on Alice’s face. “Like for real?”

Seeing that Zaiyia was being serious about this scenario, Alice had to pause before answering. Glancing around to see that they were both completely alone, she let out a sigh, leaned forward against the table too and confided her deep seeded secrets. “You want the truth? If Alan wanted to get back with me right now…I’d say yes to it. Is it the smartest idea I’ve ever had? No, far from it to be exact. But I still love him and I don’t believe that is ever gonna go away no matter how many books I read, how many empowering songs I sing to, or how many Oprah episodes I watch.”

Zaiyia smiled at Alice in relief. She just got one of her most important concerns assured and so she no longer needed to be paranoid that hooking the two of them up together was the wrong move anymore. “Good.”

“No! It’s not good! It’s wrong, Zaiyia!” Alice refuted, leaning back in her seat with a deep frown of anguish on her face. Her blue eyes dropped to her lap all over again. “I need to get over Alan, there's no other solution! We live in reality, Zai, not some fantasy world where he wants me back. I wake up every morning and go to bed every night with the reminder that Alan doesn’t want me anymore. That I’m not enough for him.”

“I guess so.” Zaiyia said with a shrug, averting her brown eyes to hide what she knew as otherwise.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Alice inquired, arching a brow at her.

“It means…what if we’re both wrong about Alan?” Zaiyia introduced delicately, trying to maneuver through her words and form them into sentences that wouldn’t be too damaging. “What if he regrets his decision to break up with you and actually wants to get back together again?”

Making a face of utter disbelief, Alice crossed her arms over her chest. “What in the world would give you that idea?”

“I uh…I don’t know. Just a feeling, I guess.” Zaiyia mumbled with a weak shrug, her eyes dropping to the pebbled table top. Wow, talk about trying to be delicate. Zaiyia nearly ruined everything! Alice can’t know the truth about Alan’s desire to be with her again, at least not yet. Zaiyia only had one shot at this and wanted to make sure she executed it right the first time.

NOT the second time, but the FIRST time!

Alice studied Zaiyia who sat across from her silently in her own world. She wondered what was going on with her. For the longest she was on the ‘forget that fool, Alan’ train for so long and somewhere along the way she got off of it without Alice knowing. Now she wanted to talk about the possibility of the two getting back together, and honestly it was making her heart and soul sing, but her brain was petrified. “When did you first start getting that strange feeling, Zai? Was it recently?”

Zaiyia shook her head, and chose this time to speak with full honesty. “No, it was actually way back when we did the Anti-Bully Zaiyia Assembly thing. We caught Alan looking at you from across the gymnasium and…well, there was something in his eyes that I haven’t been able to shake since. He was staring at you like you were some long lost lover he’s been searching all his life for, you know?”

Alice blushed at the picture Zaiyia painted, but ultimately shook her head. “He was only looking.”

Zaiyia went on. “And then there was that other encounter we had with him when he was following Chasity around. They both came out the school door not realizing we were both out here. You and Alan were looking at each other like y’all two were the only two people left on the planet and the rest of us were all invisible.”

Remembering that moment quite vividly because it only happened the day before, Alice objected that it ever happened. “No, that didn’t happen! We merely glanced at each other, that’s all.”

“If so, that was the longest glance I’ve ever seen before.” Zaiyia dubiously replied.

“Zaiyia, seriously. This is going too far.” Alice sighed wearily, not believing they were still even talking about this. “Alan doesn’t want me more anymore and that’s final! There’s nothing anyone can do.”

“There’s only one way to find out if that’s true.” Zaiyia goaded Alice on, stubbornly not backing down.

Alice froze in her seat before curiosity and temptation made her pry. “How?”

“Let me get his number and do some digging on your behalf.” Zaiyia proposed with a mischievous grin. “You won’t have to lift a finger, I’ll do all the work for you free of charge. What do you say?”

Alice was silent for a long time, pondering on it. Because it didn’t require her to be involved, there was no way anyone could link it back to her! Her hopeful heart couldn’t let her decline Zaiyia’s generous offer. “Okay, but please don’t tell him I had anything to do with this if he catches wind of this!”

“Please, girl, as if I fucking would!” Zaiyia laughed that pathetic outcome off before nodding towards the school building. If they weren’t quick they’d miss their chance of grabbing themselves something to eat before class started again. “Alright, are you ready to head back inside? If you’re not fast we’ll end up missing lunch which means a bitch is gonna be hangry for the rest of the school day and whoever gets murdered crossing paths will me we’ll be labeled a simple casualty of war.”

“Yeah, I’m ready.” Alice laughed at the picture Zaiyia once again painted. Rising from their seat, she looped her arm through Zaiyia’s and walked into the building alongside her to finish off their day.