Belonging to Lust

Zaiyia stayed up in her room for the remainder of the day. On her bed she relaxed her body and got started on the various homework she had been handed that day. She kept her eyes on anything else, but her clock sitting on her nightstand beside the bed. If she hadn’t, she’d be back to counting the seconds for Heath to come home from work and that totally went against her moving on from him.

Rolling her eyes to herself, Zaiyia’s mind wander off to Alan for a moment and all the sweet things he had done for her that day. She couldn’t understand why her young 16-year-old heart wouldn’t fall for him instead. At least he was her age, and unlike Heath, unafraid to touch her. The whole situation she was currently trapped in would just be 10x easier if she’d just fall for Alan instead! “Fuck my life, man!” Zaiyia cursed to herself before abandoning her pencil to cover her face with her hands in defeat. She had screwed herself over so badly for falling in love with Heath.

“Knock knock.” A familiar voice called from her stairwell.

“Shit!” Startled, her brown eyes snapped up to see the man himself standing on the first step, his arms resting on the slanted rail of the staircase. With a hand to her heart, Zaiyia ordered her heart to calm itself down, it was only Heath after all…but his sudden appearance wasn’t the actual reason her heart was pounding away like a drum. “You scared me.”

“Sorry…” His green eyes were studying her from afar, almost intensely, like he hadn’t seen her in ages and she had changed since then so now he was taking her all in. “…May I come in?”

Lowering her eyes to her textbooks to escape from looking at him, Zaiyia damn well knew that wasn’t a good idea for him to come into her room. From here on out what was best for the both of them was to exist without each other. She’ll continue to make breakfast for him, and go to school while he works, but that was it. No more talking, laughing, cuddling, movie marathons, nothing! This was how it must be...how it had to be. And yet the rejection she had prepared to deliver to him sounded much different when it spilled from her lips. “Um…y-yeah, sure.”

Heath’s large frame stepped up the last step and slowly entered the room, his eyes never leaving her face. He walked over to a chair she kept in her room and helped himself to it. Leaning forward, he clasped his hands together and continued to study her beneath his green gaze. “What’s going on with you?”

Frowning, Zaiyia lifted her eyes to him and shook her head at his question that sounded much more suspicious than a simple casual curiosity as to what was going on in her life since they last spoke. “I…don’t know. What do you mean by that?”

“Downstairs you left my dinner in the microwave.” Heath clarified as he slowly analyzed every inch of her that he could see over in a slow appraisal, not caring how wrong it would appear to others. He ended his journey right back to her beautiful warm brown orbs that his dreams have become obsessed with envisioning every night. “You never do that.”

“…okaaay.” Zaiyia drawled, not quite getting why that fact was something worth noticing or worrying about, but whatever floated his boat. Her eyes broke their contact with his and returned to her textbook the second she felt that her body was becoming overwhelmingly hot beneath his unwavering gaze. “I wasn’t feeling good when I got home after school, and so I made your dinner and put it into the microwave for you until you got back home from work. I came upstairs to relax and finish up my homework for the day.”

“Are you sure that’s the reason why?” Unlike her, his mind was jumping to conclusions, Heath was aware of this. He couldn’t help but wonder if the reason she placed his dinner in the microwave had to do with the fact that the last time they really spent any decent time together it was in his bed when he was…inside of her. Perhaps she was angry with him for rejecting her again. If that were true, she couldn’t hold it against him like this. He had done what was best…for the both of it, and damn his heart for telling him otherwise. “Or can it be because of what happened between us?” Heath couldn’t look at her when he asked her that, just like she obviously couldn’t look at him when he mentioned that fateful day. “Could that be the reason why my food was in the microwave, because you might be…a little irked with me still?”

Irked? Irked was an understatement for sure! Zaiyia tensed up at the reminder of his recent rejection, and hopefully, if luck was on her side, his last rejection. The images and mental video clips that played behind her eyes made her hands tremble. She couldn’t bring herself to go into the subject any more than she had to, and so she gave him one simple answer. “No.” She then attempted to turn her attention back to her homework and block him out completely. But of course, that didn’t last long.

Her single worded response surprisingly cut into him, making him flinch in his seat. He let out a quiet but shaky breath as his hands separated from each other and formed into their own separate fists. His eyes lowered to her hardwood floor as he repeated to her the same crap he’s been telling himself since the first time they slept together after he…took her virginity. “Look, I’m…sorry…about what happened between us. Both times, in fact. They were both a mistake…a wrong that unfortunately I can’t undo.” His eyes finally lifted to stare through the curtain of thick black braids she was currently using as a curtain to hide behind. “It can’t happen again. It WON’T happen again.”

“Save it, Sullivan.” Zaiyia was fighting back her tears like her life depended on it. Even though her hair shielded her face from his gaze making the coast clear for her to cry if she desperately needed to, she wouldn’t do it. No way in hell. He’d made her cry plenty of times before. She can’t keep letting him be able to build her up only to break her down when he wanted to. He can’t keep walking into her life making her want him by simply existing and expecting her not to fall for him deeper with every second that past in being in his company. It wasn’t fair, and as childish as that may sound it was true. This whole thing, none of it, was fair. Squeezing her eyes shut to keep the tears from breaking to the surface, she took a deep breath before giving him a small weak nod. “I get it. You don’t have to remind me anymore. I can hear you loud and clear from here. I’ll…I’ll stay away…”

Heath didn’t like her response, even though it was exactly what he should have been waiting for from her. It sounded so…ominous, as if she was planning to leave during the night while he was asleep and disappear from his life. Just like her mother. Heath clenched his fist tighter, not liking the idea of her evaporating out of his life like that. He didn’t think he could handle that one if it ever came true.

Still, why did she have to make it sound like she was…giving up on life? As hypocritical as it sounded, his heart didn’t want her to give up on them, move on and forget. He wanted her to remember him and every second he spent worshipping her body when she had been a virgin, and even after that, forever. He didn’t want the next guy to come around to be able to wipe the memories of him touching her out of her mind because his sex game was just that better than his. No, Heath wanted to be the #1 spot in Zaiyia’s life, and reigning champion….he wanted to be…the only one.

With a sigh, he closes his eyes for a minute, trying to get ahold of himself. A billion times a day he’d find himself getting away with himself when it came to her, his Zaiyia. He was supposed to be her guardian, nothing more. He was supposed to look out for her until her mother showed up again. Nothing. More. Plastering a feign smile on his face, he stood up from her chair and turned his eyes back on her. “So, are you in the mood to watch a movie tonight? We can watch it downstairs, or in the main house, whichever you want.”

This time, it was her turn to reject him. Zaiyia wished she could relish in the idea of causing him pain much like he caused her, but…she wasn’t that kind of person. With him, she wasn’t that kind of person. With a shake of her head, Zaiyia cleared her throat and spoke in a low voice, fearful her voice might break if she raised it any higher. “Actually…I’m pretty tired tonight. I’m gonna finish up my homework and head to bed, if y-” She stopped the minute she heard her voice begin to break, and gave herself some time before continuing on. “If you don’t mind.”

Because she wasn’t looking and continuing to hide behind her braided curtain of hair, Heath allow the disappointment to show on his face. His smile dropped as well as his eyes. He had to force his hands in his pocket to hide just how tightly he was clenching them.

She has said no.

His Zaiyia had said no.

The voice in his head whose job was to keep him in check told him that her rejection was a good thing, but his heart couldn’t go along with it. Still, he had to fake it, at least. He didn’t want her to see the hypocritical battle roaring through him right now. He gave a nod, his eyes darting between her and the floor. “Yeah, of course. You should probably get some rest then. Don’t want to fall asleep during a potentially good movie.” Biting his bottom lip, he began to retreat towards the stairs, and when he reached it, he looked back at her. She was hunched over her book, but he couldn’t tell if it was because she was upset, or if she was throwing herself deeply into her school work. Either way, he knew he shouldn’t linger. “Goodnight…Zaiyia.” Not waiting for an answer, he headed down the stairs. He felt like Zaiyia was pushing him away, and as good as that was, it hurt like hell. Never had he felt a pain like this, even when he lost his parents at a young age. This hurt was completely new, and it was something he never felt before.

Zaiyia waited for the sound of the front door to the guest house to close before she collapsed down onto her bed and let herself be consumed by her tears and sobs. She covered her face with her hands and cried and cried. The pain in her leg had subsided somewhat, but now the pain in her heart was even greater. Her tears soaked into her comforter as she released all the emotions that had built up the moment she saw him in her room again. She was a wreck, permanently a wreck, because of this man.

Because of him, her entire life from 16 years old to the day she’d die would be miserable, and empty without him.