Falling Stars

When I woke up I noticed something outside my bedroom door which was weird because I thought I closed it. I yawned and stretched, then got up to see what it was. I picked up the plastic bag and put it on my bed before closing my door. I picked up the note that was on it and read the scrawny writing that was on it.

Couldn’t sleep knowing you might not have anything to wear. Hope you like these. – J

I smiled at the thought of Jack caring so much about me. No one has for a while. Once I was all clean I got dressed into the new clothes I got. I admired them in the mirror. The top was grey with a Central Perk print on it. I also had some skinny jeans which were the perfect size. Even though I barely knew Jack at all, I could tell he put a lot of thought into his choice of clothing for me. I then left the room, completely unaware of what the time was and who was awake. When I got to the lounge I saw Rian. It was light outside so that gave me some indication that I got up at the right time. He smiled at me.

“Hey Raz. How did you sleep?” He asked. I shrugged.

“Alright I suppose.” I lied. It was honestly the best sleep I think I’ve had in ages. I just didn’t want him to question me on it.

“I like that top.” He said. I smiled.

“Thanks... A friend got it for me.” I lied again. Okay. I know it’s bad to start off any relationship with a lie, but this was different. I’m trying to start anew anyway. “Is everything okay with me being here? I mean, I don’t want to intrude...” I said.

“Of course it’s okay. In fact I love that you’re here. I wouldn’t have it any other way.” He told me. “Actually, when Cass gets up, we’re gonna talk about some things with you. Make sure that our arrangement is okay.”

“That’s cool.” I said with a small smile on my face. “What time is it?” I asked.

“About 9.” He answered. I nodded my head.

“I must’ve been asleep for ages.” I said.

“Well you were exhausted. You were bound to be.” He said. I nodded my head. After a bit of chatting, Cass walked into the room. I smiled up at her, and she smiled at me and gave me a hug which I gladly returned.

“Morning sweetie.” She said.

“Morning.” I said back.

“Well, shall we get started? We have a lot of ground to cover.” She said as she sat next to Rian. They held each other’s hands so I guess they made up after whatever argument they had yesterday. I nodded my head.

“Well, first off, we know you have some issues in your head that you probably need to get out. So for the first month you’re here, we’re going to send you to a support group.” He said. My eyes widened and I shook my head.

“Honestly, I don’t need it. I’m fine.” I protested, but Rian looked like he wasn’t going to budge on that subject.

“You were kicked out of your home by your own parents. You have to at least try it out. Twice a week for a month, and then after that, you can join me and the boys on tour unless you want to go to more of the support group.” Rian said. I nodded my head knowing that whatever I had to say against it would just result in more pain and hurt for both of us.

“When’s the first meet up?” I asked.

“Later on today. But before that, if you’re ready, we’d like you to meet some people including the band.” Cassadee answered. I nodded my head. I can’t believe the first support group meeting I had to go to was today. I barely had any time to get my head round it. At least later today I can officially say I had met Jack. He really cheered me up yesterday.

“When do I meet them then?” I asked.

“In about an hour. You’ll then have a couple of hours to get to know them before I take you to support group.” Rian said. I nodded my head and bought my knees to my chest.

“Sweetie, I promise, support group is nothing to be afraid of. I know plenty of people who have gone, and it’s only enriched their lives.” Cassadee said.

“Yeah, but they haven’t gone through what I have.” I explained. Cassadee looked slightly guilty and nodded her head. I didn’t try to make her feel that way. I just wanted her to know that support groups and therapists and medication don’t help me and they never will.

“Nonetheless, you’re going to have to try this one out. Who knows? Maybe they’ll be different to the ones in England.” Rian said. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes and just nodded my head. Around half an hour after our conversation finished, there was a knock at the door. Rian got up and answered it. Jack came striding in. I smiled at him and he smiled back at me quickly before turning to face Rian. “You’re like 30 minutes early dude.” He said.

“Am I? Whoops.” Jack said.

“Eh, whatever. We’re up anyway. Come in. You’ll be the first one to meet my awesome sister.” Rian said, moving further with him into the lounge. “Jack, this is Raz, Raz, this is Jack.” He said. I got up and smiled at him.

“Nice to meet you, Raz.” Jack said.

“You too.” I said. He gave me a hug and I hugged him back. “Thank you so much for the clothes.” I whispered in his ear. When we pulled apart he smiled at me to acknowledge he heard what I said.

“Do you guys want breakfast? We haven’t eaten yet.” Cass offered.

“Sure.” Jack and I said at the same time. We looked at each other as if it was a weird coincidence which made me laugh.

“Okay, well Rian and I will make you guys breakfast while you get to know each other.” Cass said as she pulled Rian to the kitchen. Once they left I turned to face him again.

“So, why did you do it?” I asked.

“What do you mean?” He asked.

“You bought me clothes. You really didn’t have to.” I said.

“What can I say? I felt like I needed to spoil the girl that Rian can’t shut up about since he found out about you.” He said. I smiled.

“Well when I earn some money I promise to pay you back.” I said. He held up his hands.

“No need. I think you’ll notice I didn’t leave the price on. Besides, it’s my treat to welcome you home.” He said. I smiled at him.

“You’re the best.” I said. He gave me a smirk.

“I know.” He joked, making me giggle. I then got a sting on my scar. It hadn’t completely healed yet and I needed to put a bandage on it before it bled.

“I’ll be right back. I’m just gonna go to the loo.” I lied. He nodded his head and let me go. As soon as I was out of sight I ran to my bedroom. I searched through the backpack. I still had one more bandage left. I cleaned my wound and wrapped the bandage around me. I sighed in relief when I knew that I was safe for now. I pulled my shirt back down and began whimpering. Why did this have to happen to me? I used to be so happy. I wiped the few tears that fell down my face away and plodded my way back to the lounge where breakfast was being served. I quickly chomped down on what I could, then complained that I was full and went to sit back on the sofa.

“You okay, Raz?” Rian asked. I shrugged.

“Cramps. Do you have a hot water bottle?” I asked.

“Sure, let me get it for you.” Cass said. As she prepared the hot water bottle, the door buzzed again. This time it was Zack. Jack must have a key to the building if he managed to just knock on the door. He came in and Rian introduced us as Cass handed me my hot water bottle. I held it to my scar before giving Zack a side hug.

“So, do you like our music?” Zack asked shyly. I smiled at him and nodded my head.

“Yeah. I do.” I answered. That was completely truthful. Their music had gotten me through some pretty shitty times. When I was through the worst depression spells of my life, their music and lyrics made me feel sympathised with. In those moments, that was all that I needed.

“What’s your favourite song?” Rian asked.

“Not sure. Maybe tune wise I’d have to say Backseat Serenade, but meaningfulness, that’d have to go to Therapy.” I answered. They all smiled at me.

“Good choice.” Rian said.

“Okay guys, enough quizzing her. Vinny’s just texted me. He and Matt are outside.” Cass said, buzzing them in. When I got introduced to them, I found out that Vinny’s their merch guy and Matt is their tour manager. They seem like pretty cool guys. Then finally, Alex and Lisa came. It was a weird experience. It was 4 guys I had a poster of in my room back in England were sitting in the same room as me now. With extra people of course. And the main focus was on me. It was pretty surreal.

“So, what school do you go to?” Alex asked. It was as if he was actually trying to get to know me rather than study me.

“Actually, I just finished. I went to Woodwell. It was this secondary school in central London.” I answered.

“Did you like it there?” Jack followed. I shrugged.

“I didn’t hate it.” I answered. Lisa then took my hand and led me to the kitchen once all the boys had calmed down a bit and started talking to each other. Honestly, I was pretty nervous about being in the same room as her after yesterday. She really seemed to hate me. But instead of doing anything nasty, she just gave me a hug. After a moment of confusion I hugged her back with my free arm.

“I wanted to say I was sorry. I was such a bitch to you yesterday. You have to understand, I love these boys more than anything. Nobody’s ever heard a thing about you so I was bound to be sceptical. Also, don’t tell her I said this, but Cass can fall for anything.” She said which made me smile.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry about though. I basically barged in on your lives.” I said, still holding the hot water bottle near.

“Don’t worry about it. If anything, you’re about to make our lives a whole lot better.” She said.

“Doubt it.” I mumbled under my breath. Luckily she didn’t hear me.

“What’s the hot water bottle for?” She asked curiously.

“Cramps.” I said.

“Oh that sucks. Well if there’s anything you need, just let me know, okay?” She offered. I smiled at her and nodded my head before we made our way back to the lounge.

“Okay, so that just means we’ll put her up in the spare bunk.” Matt said.

“What are you guys talking about?” I asked. They all turned to face me.

“Where you’ll be sleeping on tour. We figured you’d either like to be on the bus with these boys or the girl bus.” Vinny said.

“Do I get a say in where I stay?” I asked.

“Well where do you want to stay?” Cass asked me. I thought about it. If I stayed with the girls then I’d be with my own kind. I’d be able to go through the same struggles, even if I had to struggle slightly with some more. But if I stayed with the boys I’d feel more protected and safe. I guess I didn’t really know what I was fighting for when I started.

“You know what? I don’t care. Just pick for me.” I said. After almost three hours of people talking about me and making decisions for me, it was time for the dreaded support group. Rian told everyone they could stay here while he took me, so I got in the car, we made our way to the support group, and he dropped me off outside.

“Listen, I know this is really tough on you, but try to be a bit open minded about this. I promise, if there’s something wrong, just tell me what it is and we’ll sort it out. Okay?” He asked. I nodded my head, but instead of saying anything, I moodily made my way into the building and sat down on a chair, one of the many to make a circle. I thought about just ditching, honestly I did. But for Rian I wanted to try. He was putting me up with a home after all. Once most of the chairs were filled up, the support group worker stood up.

“Alright, I’m seeing one or two new faces in the crowd today, so I want to mention that absolutely anything you say today will remain 100% confidential unless we feel like you’re in immediate danger. So if it’s something that happened weeks or months ago we won’t say unless it’s still happening to you.” He said. That kind of made me feel more at ease, however I still knew it was going to be a shit time for me. Everyone then started to introduce themselves.

“I’m Ben, and I’m depressed.”

“I’m Sarah, and I’m depressed.”

“I’m Leslie, and I’m depressed.”

This went on until it came round to me.

“What about you then?” The worker asked. I sighed and stood up.

“I’m Raz, and I’m absolutely peachy.” I said in a monotone voice. This is going to be hell. The worker whose name was Samuel let out a tiny giggle and scratched the back of his head.

“Well Raz, we know that’s not true. Otherwise why would you be here? That’s an actual question by the way. Why are you here?” He asked.

“Because my brother made me.” I answered.

“And why do you think he did?” He asked. I shrugged.

“Who knows? I only just met the guy.” I answered. There were a chorus of confused murmurs around the room. “Well it’s not my fault! I only found out I was adopted last month. Then my stupid parents kicked me out.” I said.

“Your parents kicked you out?” Samuel asked. I nodded my head.

“Yeah.” I answered simply.

“Why was that?” He asked. I looked down at the floor sadly.

“Lots of reasons probably. The day I found out I was adopted I felt awful. So I went out to this club. I just wanted to get drunk and forget everything, so that’s exactly what I did. I forgot everything, but not because I drank too much, but because someone spiked one of my drinks. Well obviously I knew that the morning after, so I went to the doctor to make sure I was okay. Turns out I was pregnant.” I explained.

“How did that make you feel?” He asked. I shrugged and tried to wipe away any tear that threatened to fall. It didn’t work out too well.

“Not too good, Sam.” I answered, trying to remain peppy and sarcastic. But it was getting hard.

“What happened after that?” He asked.

“Well, my parents basically said that if I didn’t get an abortion they were kicking me out. At the time I was really confident that they wouldn’t do that, but they did. So I got the abortion anyway. I hoped that they would accept me back into their lives after that. But they didn’t. They just ignored me.” I told the group. Everyone around me looked really guilty. As though their problems didn’t match up to mine. It just made me feel worse. “Oh come on! Don’t you guys start feeling guilty. That’s not fair. I’m supposed to feel guilty. I got rid of a human life because I was being selfish.” I yelled before grabbing my chair and throwing it into the middle of the circle. Samuel instantly ran up to me and held me back. He took me out of the room and got one of the other workers to fill in for him. He then took me to a different room and started speaking to me.

“You know, often when I find myself in times of great stress, I eat a piece of chocolate. Something sweet to get me in a sweeter mood.” He said, holding out a bowl of chocolates. I shook my head. I don’t really like accepting things from strangers anymore. He then handed me a tissue. “I just want you to know that you weren’t being selfish. Many people your age get abortions. It’s simply a medical procedure. At that age, the baby wasn’t even really alive.” He said. Tears were still falling.

“You know that usually it’s supposed to be medicinal at my stage in pregnancy?” I asked. He nodded his head. “Well, if I took it, it would’ve effected my other medication. Besides, I’m pretty fucked up anyway. They had to operate.” I said.

“Why do you say that? Why do you say you’re pretty fucked up?” He asked.

“Because it’s fucking true.” I answered. “Nobody should have to be in my situation, but I am. So that must mean I deserve it, right?” I asked. He smiled at me and shook his head.

“Absolutely not. You’re a special and very bright young lady. I’m sure you’re going to get rewarded for your patience and hard times.” He said. I smiled. For the rest of the session I just stayed in his office. Maybe if all of the group sessions turned out like this, it wouldn’t be too bad.