Falling Stars

Eli Lux Conner. That was the name I decided would fit my baby best. Eli means high, and Lux means light. So if my baby was around today, the name to me sounds like it would be seen by all and loved. The baby would be happy. That’s why I needed Rian’s computer. To look up baby names. I deleted the browser history afterwards so he had no idea what I was looking up. Soon after that the band left. For some reason it made me super sad. I just really missed the boys. They did make me happy and they ended up cheering me up dramatically after the slump I was in that Rian couldn’t go on tour without me. Alex and Jack somehow managed to do an interpretive dance.

After my last support group which ended up being two more sessions later, I was told by Samuel that keeping a journal could help. The man seemed to know what he was talking about, so I decided to do just that. I bought a really beautiful one. Once I realised that the book I was getting was going to hold my whole life in it, I thought it might as well look pretty. It was a rose made out of a cross stitch. It was red and it was absolutely gorgeous. I’ve already written my first entry. It was a long one. It was about everything that happened since I found out I was adopted to now. The only think that I had left to do was find some way to memorialise Eli. But I had no time to do that right now, because I was about to board a plane with Rian.

“Okay, are you sure you have everything?” Cass asked, sorting out Rian’s collar. He just smiled at her.

“Of course I do. Except I don’t have you coming with me.” He said before giving her a kiss. I turned away from that. I may have known him for a little while, but he was still my brother. Some things need to not be seen. Lisa smiled in amusement when she saw me grimace.

“They’re pretty lovey-dovey, huh?” She asked. I nodded my head.

“Just a tad.” I answered.

“Listen, you just make sure to give us a call any time you need us.” She said before giving me a hug. I hugged her back tight. Over the past few days we became really close. She comforted me whenever I was feeling low, and she managed to cheer me up some of the time as well. Who knew that the girl who didn’t believe me would end up being one of my best friends?

“I will.” I answered. She reminded me a lot of one of the therapists I had at school. I didn’t like the therapist aspect of her, but she was a nice person who seemed to genuinely care about me. Plus they had the same smile. When we pulled apart it was time to board the plane.

“See you guys.” Cass said, waving to us as we walked to the cab. When we were driven to the plane we were put in first class. I creased my eyebrows in confusion once I realised.

“Why are we in first class?” I asked.

“It’s gonna be a long flight, thought I might as well.” He said. Clearly money isn’t an issue for him. Instead of kicking up a fuss for no reason I decided to just keep quiet. I fell asleep for most of the plane journey and was woken up half an hour before we landed by some turbulence. Once we got off we were greeted by a very hyper band. Jack was jumping up and down, Alex was running around, and Zack was rolling his eyes at them, but he still had a huge grin across his face. Once they all saw me, they ran up to hug me. “Hey, what’s this? Don’t I get a hug?” Rian asked.

“When you’re the more important sibling, then you get a hug.” Jack said, making me giggle.

“Okay, well at least hug her when we’re on the bus. We’ve got a show to play tonight.” Rian said. They all peeled away from me and they showed me to the bus. It was more like a double decker coach. My eyes widened. They all noticed and laughed because obviously the outside wasn’t the best bit. Once I got inside Jack instantly attacked me with a hug.

“What’s that for?” I asked, wincing slightly at the pain it was causing my scar. Luckily he didn’t notice. I turned around to hug him back.

“Rian said not to hug you until we were on the bus. Well, here we are.” He said. I then turned to look around me. The whole place was a lot more glamorous than I expected. They had 2 different lounges and one TV in each, including their own gaming system. In between the two lounges was a small kitchen. I’m assuming the bunks were upstairs.

“Okay, before we show you to your bunk, we have to cover some bus rules first.” Matt said, coming from downstairs and giving me a side hug. I nodded my head and sat down on the sofa. “Okay, first things first. Not that you would, but no sex on the bus.” He said. I felt somewhat guilty when he said that. I didn’t let it show. It’s not like I had a proper reason to feel guilty. It’s just that I think somehow they must know. Of course they don’t, but that’s just how it felt.

“No problem.” I said almost immediately after he said that.

“Secondly, no bringing fans or anything to the tour bus. Again, not that you would, these are all just formalities.” He said. I nodded my head again. He went on and on about the most stupid rules, some of them I’m sure he already went over. But none of the rules really applied to me. Apart from one. “And lastly, and probably the most important, you need to tell us about any medical stuff in your life. Like past operations, medicines you’re on, anything even remotely like that. So, for that, we’re gonna need you to fill out this form.” He said, handing me a form. I nodded my head, feeling guilty again.

“Why do you need to know about medical stuff?” I asked while completing the form, and lying on it too.

“Just in case something happens. Plus, free prescriptions. It’s really a win-win situation.” Matt said. I nodded my head. Once I finished the form I gave it to him.

“Awesome, now it’s time to show you to your bunk.” Rian said. I followed him upstairs. I got one of the bottom bunks which I was more than happy with. If I had one of the top ones it could easily tear my scar. I’m always so careful with it, but sometimes it bleeds anyway. The doctor said it won’t heal until about 3 months after the initial operation, and even then I had to be careful. I sat down on my bunk and looked around. I wanted to hide my bandages and journal somewhere only I could see them. I knew that if it was going to be anywhere, it would be in my bunk. “I know it’s a little cramped in here and you’re opposite Jack instead of me, but it was the only bunk we had left. Besides you won’t be spending your whole time in it, there’s plenty to do on the bus. Especially for a newbie like you.” Rian said. I shrugged.

“I don’t see any problems with it.” I said.

“Seriously? Well that’s great. Listen, I’ll let you get settled. I’m gonna catch up with the guys. You’re welcome to join us whenever you want.” He said before giving me a hug. He then closed the curtains to the bunk which gave me privacy to find a hiding spot. There was a hole where I could reach inside. It was probably there from some of the boy’s shenanigans. I hid my stuff in there, making sure there was nothing in there to start with. I then climbed out of my bunk, made my way downstairs, and sat down in the lounge where they all were.

“Hey Raz, do you like any games?” Alex asked.

“I guess.” I answered.

“Cool, we’re playing Grand Theft Auto. Join us.” Jack said. I nodded my head and sat down. Rian handed me a controller and they watched me play.

“Go left. LEFT!” Rian yelled. Just to spite him, I turned right.

“NO!” Alex screamed. I was just laughing as I drove wherever I wanted.

“Fuck off you guys.” I struggled to say while giggling.

“Don’t talk to us like that.” Jack said before tickling me. It was all fun and games until he started tickling my scar.

“OW!” I hissed.

“Whoa. You okay?” Jack asked, pulling back instantly. I nodded my head.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I lied. I put the controller on the table and got up. I could feel them looking at me, I just didn’t pay attention and made my way up the stairs in agony. I checked my bandage and saw blood seeping through. Not now! I sighed and got a new bandage out of my make do cubby hole. I then walked to the bathroom, cleaned up the wound, and redid my bandage. I just had no place to put the used one. Back at Rian and Cass’s apartment I used to go out every morning and put it in the outside bin. But there was no outside bin here. I decided to call Lisa. She’d know what to do, even if I didn’t tell her the full truth. She picked up after 3 rings.

“Hey Raz. You okay?” She asked.

“Kinda. I just got a question about the bus.” I said.

“Shoot” She said.

“Where can I hide some rubbish I don’t want the guys to see?” I asked.

“Oh my god! What is it?” She asked.

“I can’t say.” I said.

“Oh. Alright. Well, whenever I want to hide something, I put it in the tank for the toilet.” She said.

“Genius. Thanks Lise.” I said. We said our goodbyes and hung up. I then took off the lid for the tank and hid the dirty bandage in there. That should do until tonight when I can throw it away. I walked out of the bathroom and lay down in my bed. I decided to write an entry in my journal.

Dear Journal,

I’ve fucked up big time. I can’t even be tickled without bleeding. There’s something wrong with me. I know there is. I should be able to just tell them but I can’t. But now I’m in too deep. I’ve lied on those stupid medical forms. If something happens to me, which it might, I could be in serious trouble. I’m just hoping nothing goes wrong. Jack tickled me and as funny as that was, once he reached where Eli used to live, it stung. It stung like mad.

What’s worse is that the physical pain hurts way less than the emotional pain. I miss my baby journal. I miss Eli so much. I loved Eli.

I then stopped writing at that point. I’d continue it later. I then stuffed it back into the hole. Once I did that I heard footsteps coming upstairs. Then I heard the bathroom door locked. My eyes widened. What if they found my bandage? I got out of my bunk and waited for whoever it was to come out. It was Alex. Shit! Did Lisa tell him?

“Oh, hey.” He said as he saw me.

“Listen, you can’t tell anyone about what you saw.” I begged as quietly as I could. His eyebrows creased.

“I didn’t see anything.” He said. Shit! Will nothing ever go right for me? “What was I supposed to have seen?” He asked. I shook my head.

“Nothing. It was just a joke.” I lied.

“It doesn’t sound like it. Listen, Raz, you can tell me anything. We’re all family on this bus.” He said.

“Seriously. It’s nothing. I have a warped sense of humour.” I tried.

“Listen, you better tell me or I’ll go snooping in the bathroom.” He said.

“No!” I exclaimed.

“Then what is it?” He asked. I had tears in my eyes. Should I tell him the whole truth?

“I had an operation that I don’t want anyone knowing about, and there’s a bloody bandage hidden in there so I can dispose of it later when we’re parked.” I answered. He nodded his head.

“Okay. As long as you put it on the medical form.” He said, beginning to turn around.

“Actually, I didn’t.” I said, stopping him in his tracks. He turned around to face me.

“What do you mean you didn’t?” He asked. I crossed my arms in an attempt to comfort myself. I shrugged.

“I don’t want anyone knowing about that operation. It was something stupid that I’d rather forget, okay?” I said.

“No. It’s not okay. You have to redo those forms. Now.” He said. I shook my head.

“I can’t. It’s available for anyone to see. It’s a small bus you know? Look, just promise me you’ll keep this a secret. For me?” I begged. He sighed.

“That depends. You need to tell me what the operation was for.” He said. I was stunned into silence. How could he do that to me? “Listen, it’s your choice. You can either tell me and there’s a possibility I won’t say a thing, or you don’t tell me and I tell everyone.” He said. I sighed.

“Fine. But you have to promise me you won’t say a word to anyone about the operation or what it was for.” I said. He nodded his head. We sat down on the floor. “Basically, when I found out I was adopted I was really upset...” I started. I already began crying. He held my hand to comfort me and get me to continue. When I calmed down a bit I started talking again. “So I went out and got drunk. Only problem with that was one of my drinks was drugged.” I said. He sighed. He sounded so genuinely upset I almost felt bad for him.

“You were raped, weren’t you?” He asked. I nodded my head. I never really thought about that aspect of things. I was too busy focusing on Eli.

“Yeah, but to be honest, I don’t really care about that.” I said. He looked up at me.

“Why?” He asked.

“Because I care more about the results of what happened.” I said. He nodded his head.

“Which were?” He asked.

“I was pregnant.” I said. He nodded his head and looked down. He covered his face with his hands. He looked like what happened to me was so awful. “I had to have an abortion to stay with my parents but they kicked me out anyway.” I said. “You won’t tell anyone, will you?” He asked. He shook his head.

“No. But I might have to tell Flyzik about this so we can change your forms. I promise that nobody looks at them; they’re kept in a box that nobody even dares to check. I promise.” He said. I nodded my head while crying. He gave me a quick hug to calm me down. “It’ll be okay. He won’t say a word, and if he does he’s seriously fucking fired.” He said partly joking to cheer me up. “And I swear, I won’t even say anything to the rest of the guys.” He said. I nodded my head. He went downstairs to find him. Around 5 minutes later, He came back up with Matt. Matt sat opposite me and Alex sat next to me.

“So, we’re gonna need you to redo your form, but that’s it. And trust me; we won’t breathe a word about this to anybody.” Matt said. I nodded my head. I filled in the form with their help, then I was left on my own. About half an hour later, Jack came bounding up the stairs.

“Raz, you’re not a spaz, you’re full of jazz, you’ve got some pizzazz, and you have a great azz.” He sang, making me laugh.

“What was that?” I asked.

“Alex is writing songs, and I thought I could help, but all I spent my time doing was thinking of words that rhyme with your name, hence the song.” He said. I smiled at him.

“You do realise that azz isn’t even a word?” I asked. He sat down next to me.

“Yeah, but give me some credit. At least I tried.” He said. I laughed and nodded my head. I really like that boy.