Fireworks

"Bye babe" I leaned in to give him a kiss. He turned his head swiftly, leaving my lips to press against his cheek. In that moment I knew something wasn't right, but of course I didn't question it. Why would I? I'm the perfect girlfriend! Nothing could ever be wrong, and if by some off chance something was wrong, I would immediately take the blame. Perfect girlfriend.

"When are you coming back to visit?" I managed to choke out, trying to hold myself together.

"I don't know, Nicole." He was clearly irritated and didn't want me to push the subject further. I nodded her head in defeat and went to engulf him in a goodbye hug, but again was rejected and pulled into some awkward side hug thing.

What is going on?

"Bye, Luke. I love you"

"I love you, too" and with that, he got in the car and was on his way.

I immediately booked it towards the elevator up to my apartment, holding back the tears that were daring to fall, and keeping my eyes glued to the ground. Slamming the door to my apartment, I pressed my back to the door and slid to the floor. I could feel the salty tears pouring down my face.

"He's gonna break up with me. I know it, I know it" I mumbled to myself repeatedly. Our visits NEVER ended up like this, so what could possibly have started this? Why was Luke acting so distant?

So many thoughts were swarming through my head, and I couldn't seem to push them to the back of my mind. I just wanted to forget all of this bullshit, and wait till he texted me when he got home. Maybe everything was fine, and my anxiety is just fucking with me.

My phone buzzed. "We need to break up"

As if I didn't lose it earlier, I had officially broken down. There were so many tears it was affecting my vision, and my breaths were shaky. Why is he doing this? He was just there! Why didn't he break up with me in person? Why was he even breaking up with me?

"Hello?" Luke's deep voice came through the speaker.

"Why!?" Is all I could manage to choke out.

"I just don't think I'm ready for a relationship right now. I just-"

"I thought you loved me! You took the one thing from me that I can't get back! I gave you my virginity! I gave you EVERYTHING! And I still love you so much. Please, please don't do this. Luke, I love you. I need you." I'm begging now. It's like I can't control herself.

"I do love you, it's just, I mean, I might be moving, you know that."

"Is it because of your ex girlfriend?" I asked, my voice above a whisper.

"No, of course not." he was lying. I knew it. He was lying through his god damn teeth. And I couldn't help but think back to the other night when I saw her name flash across his phone screen. How could I have been so stupid? So god damn idiotic?! Why didn't I call him out? I guess I didn't want to fight. I never wanted to fight. Perfect girlfriend.

"Luke, don't you fucking lie to me" I seethed.

"Okay, Nicole, yeah I'm back with her, okay! She was my first love." And you were mine.

"Were you cheating on me?" and that's when the line went silent. "Of fucking course."

I hung up the phone and threw it across the room. My heart was being ripped to shreds, and nothing I did could help the aching pain that was throbbing in my chest. I just wanted to rip it out. It's not like I needed the bloody thing anymore - it was destroyed, and no thread, no medication could mend or fix the pain.

I stormed towards the bathroom, slamming the door, and ran a hot bath. I couldn't be bothered to take my clothes off, so I just hopped in.

I relapsed. I took the blade and let it glide across my wrists, blood seeping from the wounds. I didn't stop there though. I kept cutting, and cutting, and cutting, and cutting. My wrists, my thighs - it didn't fucking matter. Anything that would make me bleed and could bring me closer to death and end this heartache was good enough for me.

Images started to flash through my head though. My family, my friends. I couldn't do it.

"I can't fucking do it" I screamed, pulled my knees up to my chest, blood smearing on my skin. "I CAN'T FUCKING DO IT! GOD HELP ME." my screams were echoing through the bathroom.

I would've done anything in that moment to have had the guts to cut deeper. Just a little deeper... The way the blade felt cutting through my skin felt so much better than the sharp pain in my chest.

"Nicole!" my mother screamed running into the bathroom with a wet towel and wrapping it around my wrist.

"I couldn't do it, mom. I couldn't do it... but all I wanna do is die." I could see her heart break as I said that. I could only imagine what she was feeling right now. She just walked in to see her daughter in the bathtub, all cut up, trying to kill herself over her first love. It sounds dumb... killing yourself over your first love. Well, it kinda is, but this pain was so indescribable and so painful, I think it would've made anyone want to tie a rope around their neck and drop in a heartbeat.

She pulled me out of the tub quickly, and wrapped a towel around me. She dried me off, and helped me get into bed where I continued to cry until my eyes were so swollen I could barely open them.

I was gonna be okay. By okay, I mean not dead, because everything else went to hell real quick after that, if we're being honest. I started drinking a lot, sleeping so much it was unhealthy, I refused to eat, and I was receiving death threats from Luke's girlfriend. There is one thing I managed to do very well though; cry. I was really good at that.

---

Days passed and I was still bed ridden by choice. I slept all day, I slept all night. My stomach ached from lack of food, but I'd completely lost me appetite.

My phone buzzed and the name of the dumb tall blonde boy I loved so dearly flashed across the screen. I was hesitant to open the text from Luke at first, but I knew I had to eventually, so why not get it over with.

"Nicole, I love you so much. I made a huge mistake, I'm so sorry, but there's nothing I can do about it now. I'm stuck. I should've never left you, Nicole, I'm so sorry. I really do love you."

3 whole words and 8 letters late.