Dying in Your Arms

“Hey babe,” he slapped Zacky’s ass mindlessly, more out of habit than with some real intention. So it took him by surprise when younger man jerked away and snapped out sharp: “Leave me alone.”
Brian raised a brow. “What’s up, Zee? Are you…?”
“Yeah, I’m gonna be perfectly fine, if you leave me the fuck alone!” Zacky tried to move past the lead guitarist and get out of the dressing room, but strong, tattooed arm held him in place.
“Tell me what’s wrong.”
“Why do you care?” Zacky didn’t even let Brian respond to that. “Because now, when Michelle’s gone for a few days, you don’t have anyone else to fuck?”
Brian’s face stayed still, but his eyes betrayed him, when they showed sudden flash of guilt. “Zee, it’s not…”
“I’m fucking sick of it Brian!” Zacky squeezed his eyes shut. He was not going to cry in front of Brian. He never wanted to confront his friend — lover — fuck buddy — whatever Brian was about this, but he had reached his breaking point over the last week. Everything had just pilled up inside of him and he couldn’t take it anymore. “I’m sick of being your dirty little secret, a hole to fuck when your goddamn wife isn’t around! I’ve got enough of being the last choice of yours when there’s no other bed you can crawl into! I’m fed up of waking up alone, knowing I will be nothing but your friend and bandmate again!”
Brian blinked a few times, his hold of Zacky’s shoulder loosened, but he stayed close. “Zack, I thought that…”
“…that all I ever wanted in life was being an easy fuck for the mighty Synyster fucking Gates? Well, sorry for not being perfect cold-hearted whore.”
“I thought you knew what are you getting into all those years ago!” While Brian’s words were cruel, his voice held no traces of anger. He sounded almost pained. Not that Zacky could notice in that moment. Younger man’s eyes were fixed on the floor, while he did his best to keep himself collected.
“I did.” It was barely a whisper. He hated himself for his own weakness, for being unable to even look at Brian, talk to him. “But nothing lasts forever…”

…and we both know hearts can change
And it’s hard to hold a candle
in the cold November rain

Zacky pushed his was around Brian towards the door. It was just few steps, few seconds … but in that short time, all those pent-up emotions suddenly re-surfaced. He couldn’t fight it. The words just bursted through his restraints. “And I fell in love with you.”

And before Brian even managed to comprehend, Zacky was gone with a loud slam of the door.

><

Zacky disappeared for the rest of the day. He kept himself in the shadows of the stage, watching stage techs and opening bands. He came back to backstage just in time to grab his guitar and head for his side of the stage to prepare himself for the first song of their set for a last show. He didn’t allowed himself a single glance towards the lead guitarist. He felt like passing out.
He thought he had buried all his feelings, he had managed to make himself completely numb over the years, but once he found himself on the riser next to Brian, everything resurfaced full force. His only weakness…painful and destructive.

I’m wearing thin, wearing out, becoming weak,
holding hands with this rope
he’s my self-destructive…

“Zacky!”
“Oh shit…”
“Come on, help me!”

Johnny ran straight to the rhythm guitarist, that was laying motionlessly on his side of the stage. Matt was right behind him, mic forgotten on the center riser, while Brian stood frozen, eyes fixed on Zacky’s motionless body, while his beloved guitar slipped out of his hands and fell down to the ground with an earsplitting noise. It took him almost a minute to get over the wave of shock and make a move. He wrestled his way through Matt, their roadies and a few medics that gathered around, kneeled next to Zacky and reached to touch his pale face. It wasn’t the first time he noticed the signs of a bad shape his long-time friend was in, but now it was even more apparent. Zacky’s once chubby cheeks were now sunken, his solid frame skinny and bony nowadays. His eyes lacked that flash of life, that hint of rebellion Brian had adored. He didn’t know what to do, this sudden weakness leaving him nothing but scared.
He felt two strong arms dragging him away, holding him upright, Matt’s raspy voice right behind him.
“Just breathe. They’ll take care of him. He’ll be alright…”
But words couldn’t soothe him. He watched powerlessly as medics took Zacky back into the backstage and due to all the rush, no one but Matt noticed the heartbroken expression in guitarist face.

I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

>>>><<<<

It was two moths. Two fucking moths of doing nothing. After they came back from tour (after they brought him back into consciousness and informed him he passed out on the fucking stage), he couldn’t very well stayed in Huntington Beach. It was too much being all alone in his huge house, closed between four walls with nothing but remorse and sadness. And it was too close to Brian. He might had been fed up being just a whore to him, but he still missed his presence in his life. In his bed. Because no matter how hard he tried, he cannot erase that man from his heart.
He left California, he left the States. He settled in Germany, not far from Munich. Although there was no particular reason for that. Well, except spending a few breathtaking nights with Brian there. They had had a few days off the tour and he had cherished those times, when he had felt like being the only one for Brian, deep within his heart. And in the time of his mental breakdown, this place just popped up in his head.
But he had to come back home and face the reality eventually. Face Brian. And that …sucked.
He went to the studio straight from the airport. He didn’t feel prepared, not at all, but there was no way around this. Avenged was his life, literally. His palms were sweating when he entered the long hallway and he wiped them on his pants nervously. First thing he noticed when he opened the door was that Brian’s place on the couch was abandoned.
“Hey Zack! Where the hell were you man?”
He gave Matt a weak smile. “Hey…I needed to get away for a while…I told you I will be back in time.”
“Never doubted you,” Matt hugged him shortly before sitting back down on the edge of the desk. “Are you alright?”
“Where are the others?” He simply ignored Matt’s question. He was there — so he was alive. And being alright…that’ll come along, eventually.
“Well, Brian’s got some stuff to do, Johnny’s with him and Arin is on the way.”
Zacky nodded, before considered Matt’s words closely. Something in his demeanor just didn’t fit right. “Stuff to do?”

“That motherfucking bitch!”
Zacky winced when he heard the familiar voice. And before he decided whether to run away or crawl under one of the amps, Brian practically ran into the room.
“I can’t fucking believe her. She’s like…” He paused mid-step in the doorway as his mouth hang open, pure shock evident on his pale, strained face. “Zee?” His voice softened considerably.

“Hey,” Zacky mumbled. His insides clenched and it took all his strength to keep his face expressionless. He thought…fuck, what had he thought? That two months were enough to forget? Hell, five years hadn’t been enough. So he found himself standing in their rehearsing studio, facing the man he loved with no words to say. His emerald eyes locked with Brian’s hazel ones, deathly silence settled between them.
It was Arin who saved him eventually, walking into the room and breaking the tension. He tore his gaze from Brian’s sharp sculpted face, convinced that the guilt and regret he saw in older man’s eyes were just his imagination playing tricks on him.

Bleeding disease
the thing that makes it hard to breathe
but if I shoved you far away
this addict just starved again
asphyxiated

“You could’ve at least let us know you were okay, y’a know?” Brian stepped into the backyard of their studio and lighted himself one of his Marlboros.
“I’ve told Matt…”
“…that you will be back before the next leg of the tour starts, yeah,” Brian blew out bluish smoke as he spoke. “But that doesn’t mean being fine, does it?”
“Why do you care?”
“Maybe things has changed.” There was immense amount of exhaustion seeping through Brian’s voice, but Zacky couldn’t let himself soften up.
“But I haven’t changed, Brian. I can’t…” Zacky shook his head.
“I never wanted you to. But I guess we’d get pretty fucked up anyway, when you had to left for goddamn two months just because you didn’t want to face me.”
“I hoped that you’ll get back to your ordinary life, get back together with Michelle or whatever. And I’ll deal with myself on my own eventually.”
“Zee…” Brian sighed, almost inaudible, as he stepped closer to the shorter man. Zacky wanted to step back, but he couldn’t. In Brian’s presence he was like a moth around a light.
“What changed, Brian?”
“I did.”
Zacky gave Brian a faint sad smile and finally forced his own legs to move. He reached for a doorknob, determinate to leave and end his misery.
“We’ve filed for divorce.”
Zacky turned swiftly back to face Brian again. He searched his face for any indication of a lie, but ended up with nothing.
“Or actually, I did.” Brian didn’t move closer this time, but his hand twitched slightly towards Zacky, as like to stop him from leaving. “Two years ago.”
But the younger man completely forgot about his former intention and stepped away from the door. “Why?”
“Because I love you.”

It’s all so different now,
emotions burn me out
I have a lifeless touch
this distance leaves no doubt.
I fear it all too much,
but part of me believes…

Zacky squeezed his eyes shut and whispered, hardly audible. “Please stop. Just stop doing this to me. Stop giving me false hope there’s something…anything…between us. I can’t…”
“And what if there is something? What if there always was?” Brian lowered his voice as he leaned over Zacky. “What if I loved you all along since a fucking highschool, too scared to tell the truth?”
Zacky shook his head, desperation taking the better part of him. He couldn’t endure such a torture. He was torn within his feelings and he felt like falling down. Hard. “Stop fucking with my head.”
Suddenly, Brian was too close and his hand was wiping those few tears that had escaped from Zacky’s eyes. “Just look at me.”
But Zacky hesitated, gaze still pierced to the opposite wall. He wanted to believe Brian so badly, but he was scared. How could someone like Brian fell in love with someone like him? It wasn’t possible. Not in his universe.
“But Michelle…”
“Michelle was a cover. Because the whole time I thought I’m nothing but an easy fuck for you. You never gave me a hint of…anything. And then, all of the sudden, you told me exactly what I wanted to hear all those years, what I’d stopped believe in long ago. I was paralyzed beyond myself to react as I wish I did. But afterwards, you didn’t gave me chance to talk to you. You just frightened me to death, guilty as fuck, that it was me, who’d made you this miserable. I wished I could erase myself from your life, but at the same time I longed for you every minute. How can you…how can’t you see that?” Brian’s voice was soaked with emotions. And this time, Zacky lifted his eyes to meet the warm brown depths.
Everything Brian had said was there, all the torment he went through reflected in his eyes like a fatal confirmation of his words. But he didn’t know what to say. There were billion words spinning through his head, but he could not find a single one good enough to express…express what? How much he loved Brian? How scared he was that this was just a dream? Or some fucked up joke?

“Do you believe me?” Brian’s soft, slightly sad voice broke the silence. The question resonated in Zacky ears, drowned out everything else running through his head. Suddenly, he heard nothing but…

Do you believe me…believe me…believe…do you?

“I do.”

“Than kiss me.”

And Zack did.