Like I Would

I’d adjusted my tie for the millionth time in the mirror, knowing that my abilities to tie it were definitely sub-par, but Angie hadn’t wanted much to do with me after realizing I’d spent several hours with Carly yesterday.

“Struggling?” I looked over my shoulder in the mirror to see Tanya standing there, managing a small half smile while her solemn mood still took precedence. She and Eric had given me the lowdown of their visit with her yesterday, and Eric knew I appreciated it. I hadn’t told him about being turned down a second time, and I was pretty positive I’d never tell anyone that secret.

“Yeah,” I finally admitted defeat, and turned around to let Tanya fix the mess I’d made of my tie. Quickly and expertly she had it in a nice, even knot, and straightened it for me.

“You should stand with her, at the funeral,” Tanya told me, and I swallowed hard.

“Um…”

“You said her dad was like a father to you too, and she can’t be all alone through that. It would mean a lot to her Marc, you know it would,” she explained, and I nodded.

“It’s just…”

“I’ll handle her, I promise. I’ll sick Parker on her, or maybe Levi. Parker will probably go stand with you too,” she told me, catching me a little off guard.

“Huh?”

“Eric didn’t tell you? He asked Carly to be his girlfriend so he can tell Jordan he has a prettier girlfriend,” she giggled, and I couldn’t help but laugh at that one.

“Oh really?”

“Apparently my son has it all planned out. He asked her to be his girlfriend, and about two minutes later said she should move with us to keep me company while he’s at school and Eric’s on the road,” we were both nearly in hysterics, the humor coupled with the somber mood everyone had been in all morning making an odd combination.

“Smooth kid; you sure he’s Eric’s?” I teased, and she shrugged.

“I dunno – Parker’s got some moves,” she giggled, and soon it died down.

“But he took really well to her, so feel free to ask him to go stand with her with you,” she reiterated, and I nodded. It wouldn’t be so strange to anyone else if I had my nephew with me.

We finally made our way to the kitchen where almost everyone was gathered. Angie was still in our room getting ready, and Jared was in the shower, having fallen asleep after initially getting up. Parker and Levi were quiet, sensing something was going on but not really understanding.

“Hey Park, I wanna ask you something really important, okay?” he nodded, eyes wide and attention focused as I crouched in front of him in the living room.

“What is it Uncle Marc?”

“Well, at the funeral, it’s going to be really sad and really hard for Carly, and I was wondering if you’d like to go with me and stand with her to help make her feel better,” it was the best description I had for the three and a half year old, and he nodded immediately.

“Okay, I’d like that Uncle Marc. Do you think it’s okay if I bring Stormy with me to help?” he asked, and my heart melted at the little guy.

“I think Carly would like that very much,” I told him, and he was off running, asking his parents where Stormy was. I wanted that, so badly; to have a little one running around, and I couldn’t help but admit to myself I would probably never have that with Angie.

“We ready to go?” mom asked as Angie finally came down the stairs, looking less than enthused to be drug along to what she thought was a ‘waste of time’. Even Jared had showered and gotten ready before she’d finished.

Parker ran over, Stormy in hand, for me to carry him out to the vehicle. He even wanted to drive with me rather than Eric and Tanya, insisting he had a special job to help me with. I kept him entertained on the drive there, which helped keep my mind off the fact I’d be saying goodbye to Mr. Sanders, for good.

We arrived at the church, and saw a modest amount of vehicles in the parking lot. Carly had told mom that it wouldn’t be a huge funeral. Once inside it was easy to spot Carly; the tall, gorgeous woman in a stunning black dress. Not that the dress was anything fancy, but she made it look like it had came off a designer rack. She towered over the other women here; being tall, and even though her heels were a modest inch or two, she was closer to our heights than anyone else’s.

“Hey sweetheart, how you holding up?” Linda asked, and that was all it took for her to burst into tears. It broke my heart, and I immediately dropped Angie’s hand and made my way over. As if she’d expected it, mom pulled away and let me pull Carly into my arms. I rubbed her back, murmured into her hair, the things that had comforted her back when we were inseparable.

“Come here,” Eric soon weaseled his way between us to take my place, and from the stormy composure of my fiancé I knew she didn’t want me to take her hand or anything. Parker soon reached for it, confusion written all over his face. Once everyone had pulled her in and she almost had a hold of herself, Parker took a deep breath, let go of my hand and walked over.

“Hi Carly,” she immediately swiped at her tears and knelt down to be almost at his level.

“Hey bud, how are you?”

“I’m okay. Uncle Marc said we could stand with you to help make you feel better, and I brought Stormy cuz he makes me feel better and I thought maybe he would help you,” he thrust the stuffed toy at her, and I could see her expression melt and a few more tears escape.

“Thank you Parker – that means a lot to me,” her eyes landed on mine for a moment, and all I could offer her was a quick smile.

“Do you want us to sit with you?” Tanya quietly offered, after coming to the realization that there was really in truly no family in the front pew. Carly nodded, trying her best to keep from bawling once the question was out. It was all I could do to not wrap her up in my arms again, and instead I let Jordan. He tucked her under his arm, hoisting Parker up when he asked, and we slowly made our way to the front, mom and dad leading the way, then Tanya and Eric, carrying Levi, Jordan and Carly with Parker, us, and then Jared and Nat bringing up the rear. I settled myself down next to Carly, even though I’m sure Angie would have preferred having Jared and Natalie between us. I promised her I’d be here, and I wasn’t going to just show up, I was going to be the support she needed. Parker soon crawled from Jordan’s lap to hers, and had curled into her, Stormy clutched to his chest and her arms around him.

The ceremony was short and done beautifully, exactly the way he would have wanted it. Almost all of us were in tears at different points, and I was glad Jordan could put his arm around her when I knew I couldn’t without hurting Angie, and that Parker was determined to try and keep her as happy as possible.

We filed out afterward, nearly everyone stopping to offer Carly their condolences or tell her stories about her dad, or her parents together way back, and Jordan stayed by her side through all of it, his arm around her protectively, and Parker just as glued to her, keeping her together for everyone else while people came up to visit with the rest of us. I half-assed listened and contributed, but I kept my eyes on Carly, looking for her telltale signs of falling apart.

“Well, um, they want to… and I was wondering…” Carly came up, unable to get the words out.

“Of course,” I immediately spoke up, and got a grateful smile from her. Jordan nodded, and soon everyone but Angie had spoken up. I knew she’d come along, but she’d make sure everyone knew she wasn’t impressed to be there, which Carly didn’t need.

“Thank you Marc,” Carly had thanked everyone, but hugged me for an extra moment as she whispered to me.

“Of course Carly,” I replied, giving her what I hoped was a reassuring smile as we followed her out to the black limos that would take us to the cemetery. One of the attendants had the urn, and Carly hesitated, too emotional to want to take it. I stepped forward and gently took it, giving her a one-armed hug and helping to guide her toward the vehicle. I got her in, and felt tugging at my pant leg.

“Can I sit next to Carly?” Parker asked, and after looking to Eric and Tanya for confirmation I helped him in next, before seeing my mom nod for me to go in the same vehicle. Jordan and my mom came in with us, everyone else filing into the second vehicle. Parker, disappointed he couldn’t sit on Carly’s knee, instead settled for situating Stormy on her lap, getting a ruffle of his hair and a smile from her. I put my arm around her, and she leaned into me, her body nearly trembling as I rubbed her arm. Parker cuddled into her side, and she put an arm around him as well, putting a lump in my throat. Not about the funeral, but wondering, if she’d said yes, if this scene wouldn’t be our child and us. Not that it made things any better, but it was like a punch to the stomach. These what-ifs were going to kill me.
The grave-side ceremony was the hardest. I stood beside Carly as she cried, while mom and dad, Eric and Tanya, and Jordan all said a few words for her about her dad. I cleared my throat, afraid I wouldn’t be able to get my words out.

“I just… I wish I could’ve said goodbye. David… he was my second father. He would always drop everything for someone else, and I’ve never, ever met anyone else who cared about others the way he did. I… he was an amazing man, and he’s going to be sorely missed,” I choked out my last few words, Carly clinging to me as we both let the tears win the battle, unable to stop them as memories we shared washed over.

I knew it killed my parents to not be able to ease the pain they could see in both of us, and as we tried to get a hold of ourselves, I held the urn towards Carly, feeling it was her place to set it in the open plot.

She took hold, but when I went to let go she shook her head.

“He was like a dad to you too Marc. I… he’d want this,” she told me, tears streaming freely down her face. It hit a place deep inside of me, that David thought enough of me for Carly to know he would have wanted me involved in something like this. That even after everything he’d still have considered me the “son he’d never had”.

We placed the urn in the plot, and placed two roses over top. Carly knelt beside the temporary headstone, and swiped at the tears before somehow forcing a smile.

“Say hi to mom for me, okay? I know you’ve missed her,” she managed to get the words out before sobs overtook her. That was the last straw for mom and Tanya; mom turned into my dad, and Tanya dropped to the ground beside Carly, openly sobbing as she wrapped her arms around the girl who was falling apart in front of us.

I felt a hand on my shoulder as I tried to keep my composure, before looking to see Eric giving me a knowing look, his lip all but trembling as he tried not to cry as well. It was only an instant before we were in a hug, the tears falling beyond our control. Jordan was soon in there with us, and Jared and Nat, before I broke away to kneel beside the girl who’d been my best friend, and she immediately fell into me, sobbing into my shirt as she clutched at me for dear life.

“He’s in a better place Carly,” I managed to tell her, trying to be reassuring.

“I know; he’s with mom now. He’s missed her for twenty four years, I just wish it didn’t mean I have to start missing him like this,” she sobbed, her eyes finally meeting mine.

“Me either,” I admitted, leaning my head against hers as we stared off into the space in front of us. Everyone had given us space, understanding that this was what we needed, that they didn’t understand the loss that this was to us.

“Let’s get you home, okay?” Tanya finally spoke up, talking to both of us. I looked to Carly before we nodded, and I helped her to her feet. Dad picked up a shovel, and after a moment’s hesitation Jordan picked up the other one.

“You guys go; we’ll…” he couldn’t get out the words, but Carly gave them both a tight hug, and I knew she’d be thanking them for doing something too difficult for her to witness.