Like I Would

“Guess who I saw at the grocery store,” Jordan had a huge grin on his face as he burst through the door in his usual, loud fashion. We were sitting in the kitchen – Tanya, Eric, Jared, Nat, Mom and myself – trying to work on some wedding details.

“Who’s that?” Tanya sighed, the question sounding very similar to how our mom would have asked it.

“Carly,” her name left his lips in nearly sing-song, which had the hackles on the back of my neck up. Leave it to Jordan to not stay away from her.

“What was she up to?” Eric asked, and Jordan gave him a pointed look.

“Oh you know, shooting elephants,” he rolled his eyes, giving our brother a ‘duh’ look.

“Shut up, I mean other than the groceries,”

“Didn’t really say. I didn’t want to really ask and make her upset in the middle of the grocery store or anything,” Jordan shrugged. I let myself relax a little bit, sending up a little prayer that he at least had some tact.

“That’s nice of you,” Nat allowed. Some days I was sure she still wasn’t quite used to Jordan even after all these years.

“And gave her my number, told her to call or get a hold of us if she needed anything,” that one had my shoulders tensed right back up, teeth gritted.

“And you’re right Nat – she’s even prettier in person. You missed out on that one Marc,” he patted my shoulder as he walked by me to get to the other side of the table, a thick silence falling over the kitchen as my face heated up. It left too much to everyone’s imagination; what could have happened, how different things would be now, Carly over Angie… and obviously Jordan’s newfound interest in her.

“I never really understood why she kind of dropped off the map after grad,” Eric finally spoke up, voicing what was undoubtedly on everybody’s mind. I knew all eyes would be on me, and I finally raised my gaze and met my family’s.

“I don’t really know. I mean, she was going to California and things got complicated and we just kind of drifted apart. We weren’t ever like that anyway,”

But I wanted us to be.

The thought was echoing around the inside of my head, and I knew I felt awful for it even being there. I loved Angie, why else would we have been together so long? Granted, there was a little on-again-off-again for a few years in high school and then a year and a half or so after I’d moved to New York. But even as I tried to rationalize it to myself the little nagging voice remained.

If things were so perfect, why weren’t we married already?

Why doesn’t she want to start a family?

Why won’t she let herself be part of my family?

Too many thoughts were now swirling inside of my head, nearly giving me a headache.

“I always thought you would though… I mean… you guys were…”

“Right?” Eric supplied the words Jordan couldn’t seem to find, and he nodded.

“Well we obviously weren’t. And you better stop talking like that or you are gonna upset the hell out of Angie,” I muttered, turning my attention back to my smart phone and the websites for florists I was looking up.

“I just… Sorry Marc. It’s still weird to try and wrap my head around, you know? She was part of the family, then poof. She was gone. I know it’s been a long time but it doesn’t make it any less confusing or strange,” Eric apologized, and I nodded, letting everyone know that was all I was willing to talk about it.

We kept collecting numbers for florists and photographers, coming up with several lists for places and people we would need to contact about the wedding. By the time we called it quits for supper Natalie was nearly in tears again, positive we wouldn’t be able to pull things together in time. Had they found out things were falling apart a month or two ago they could’ve just pushed back the date, but now it was too late to reschedule for family members coming in from out of town or flying.

“I thought you said Carly was going to help out?” Eric asked, nearly earning himself a cuff upside the head from both his wife and our mother.

“She’s going through a hell of a time right now, I can’t just call her up and ask for help not knowing what she’s busy with!” Natalie exclaimed, and Eric’s eyes were wide with what was almost fear as the three women bore down on him. I almost laughed, sharing a look with Jordan at Eric’s mistake.

Soon his phone was ringing, and the way his face lit up a little as he answered told me it was probably some hot girl he used to know and was planning on hooking up with later. Some times I could swear he was some college freshman rather than an adult.

He disappeared down the hall for a couple of minutes, before returning with a plastic bag full of what looked to be board games and a few decks of cards, which didn’t really make sense with my earlier assumption.

“Well, I’m gonna have to cut out for dinner mom,” he told her, pressing a quick kiss to her cheek as he made his way to the door and his flip flops.

“Why is that? I’m making perogies and everything,” she looked a little disappointed, knowing it would be a full crew for supper tonight, and she’d even made his favorite.

“Just got a bit of an SOS call from a friend,” his answer was too vague for his own good, and it sent a little shiver down my spine.

“And what trouble could one of those boys be in that possibly needs your help at this particular moment?” she asked, hands on her hips indicating she was actually serious. Our grandparents were coming over for supper as well, something that didn’t happen too often.

“It’s not one of the guys mom. It’s Carly… she’s uh… well having a hard time being in the house by herself right now, she called and wondered if I could just keep her company for an hour or two. She doesn’t have anybody at all, and I can’t imagine having to sit in the house and be surrounded by memories. It’d be a little overwhelming without something to take your mind off it,”

We were all stunned into silence, before mom nodded, giving him a quick hug and telling him to give Carly her love, let her know she was more than welcome at the house any time. I swallowed hard, unable to believe Carly would actually run to Jordan for help – when we were in school they used to scrap like brother and sister, which was more than fine because if worse came to worse they’d stick together.

But I’d always been the one she ran to. And it hurt to know I wasn’t that person anymore.

It hurt even worse at the thought that Jordan could possibly become that person.