Dark Before Dawn

I was promised that once I became the Fire Lord, that things would become easier; less stressful. However, this hope of my life becoming easier was proven to be wrong. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat—and still being in touch with Uncle Iroh, even in the slightest, makes the non-eating factor severely difficult. He loved to eat, and was constantly hounding on me to do the same whenever he was around.

Someone had knocked on my door, startling me. “One second!” I called out, jumping up to put a robe on so it would cover my scarred arms and chest.
“Zuko, dinner is served,” I hear Mai’s voice through the door.
I walked over to the door, opening it just a hair so I could see her. “I’m not hungry,” I mumbled, attempting to shut the door.
She stuck her foot between the frame and door, not allowing me to close it fully. “Zuko, please, you haven’t been eating. Did you honestly expect any of us to not notice?”
I looked away, realizing that I wasn’t going to be able to shut the door anyhow, and let her in. “No, I-I guess not.”
I could feel my heart jump into my throat, more nerves getting uneasy.
She lets herself into my bedroom, and I shut the door behind her, still having my back to her. I was apprehensive to face her. I didn’t want anyone to see my struggles, not even my girlfriend.
She places her hand on my shoulder, causing me to jump a little. “Zuko, relax. What has gotten into you?” I didn’t answer her, considering I really didn’t know how to. “Please, you know that the Kyoshi Warriors and I are supposed to be protecting you, now explain to me what is going on.” Her voice was so stern, as if she were my mother scolding me.

My mother.

I sighed heavily, turning to face her. I didn’t say anything, just stared and let my robe flow open by itself. Maybe my words couldn’t explain, but my body could tell a story to anyone. I watched as her eyes widened, eyebrows creasing together, forming the most worried expression ever. A single tear ran down her cheek. “I… I couldn’t protect you from your own mind, could I?” she whispers.
“No one can,” I replied, looking away now. “My father and sister were right. Even when I’m supposed to be strong, I’m still a coward. Becoming the new Fire Lord has done nothing but stress me out. There was another war after Aang had defeated my father, and it was all because of me.”
“But that’s over and done with now, Zuko. Yu Dao is trying the new way of allowing all the nations to live together in harmony.”
“I understand that, but…” I trailed off, trying to recollect the courage deep inside me to admit this. “I feel disconnected.”
I watched her quirk her eyebrows at me, “Disconnected? From what?”

My mother. My family. My nation…
“The good in my own family and nation. Mai, I believe finding my mother would help me reconnect.”
“You know that’s been proven impossible.”
Her harsh words cut me deeper than my own blades ever could. I wanted to find my mother, and all I ever wanted was some support—not someone like my girlfriend telling me to give up and never try again.
“No, it’s not!” I hollered, fuel burning in my veins as I threw my arms out. The room lit up from the flames that emerged from my hands, but only for a second.
I could see the pain in her eyes, and I knew she thought I was weak. Maybe I really was weak after all.
“You know you had the world’s best spies go out and search for her… They all came back empty handed, Zuko.”
I wrenched my eyes shut, turning away from her so she didn’t have to see the tears run from them. “I don’t need you reminding me of these things, Mai. I-I’m going to search for her, even if it means I might need someone’s help that I might regret asking for.”
“I’m sorry,” I hear her whisper.
“No,” I grumbled, “I’m sorry. But this is something that I have to do.”

“It’s over, Zuko. I can’t be with someone that’s going to choose something nearly impossible over someone he supposedly loves.”
I whipped around to look at her, seeing that she was completely serious. “Mai, please! You know I love you more than anything,” my voice shakes as I say this. “Please don’t leave me like my mother did.” The tears came flowing down without any control at this point.
“You’re pathetic, Zuko. You love your secrets,” she eyes my scarred chest and arms as she says this, “more than me. You hid these scars from me with so called ‘training bandages’, and I know you’ve been seeing Ozai behind my back!”
“Who told you that?”
“You just did,” she spits at me. “Goodbye Zuko,” she calls out as she turned on her heel to walk out.
“Mai, come back! I order you to come back!”

I watched her shake her head as she walked out of my life. Why on earth would I say that to her?