Dark Before Dawn

I have nothing. No one to sleep with and hold at night, no one to talk to when I’m feeling lost, and nothing to do when I’m even bored… However, boredom wasn’t my problem. I felt dead inside; there was no reason to continue my life as I knew it. Mai left me, my mother abandoned me, my sister is locked away and my father disowned me. All I honestly have left is the people of my nation, but they’re almost nothing to me. They depend on me, I know this—but how could they depend on someone so helpless like me?

I ran my fingers up my arm, over my chest, feeling each and every mark that I’ve created on my skin. I deserved all of these—hell, I even deserve the scar on my face that tells everyone that I was the banished Prince of the Fire Nation. I was a failure then, and I still am… that’s why Mai left me.

I stood from my bed and walked over to the collection of weapons that I had as decoration and antiques. There was one small blade that I kept hidden from everyone, considering it was the sharpest one that I owned. With that blade, I created almost all these cuts and scars on my body. I grabbed it, stowing it away in my waistband of my pants as I walked out of my bedroom. Suki stood there, as it was her turn to watch my room. “Hey there, Fire Lord,” she chimed, a smile audible in her voice, “Where are you going at this hour of the night?”
I kept walking, “I’m taking a bath,” I mutter without slowing my pace.
I could almost picture the confused expression she had across her face, but still, I didn’t turn to talk to her. I didn’t want her to suspect anything, anyways.
“Why so late?” she asks, her light footsteps trailing after me.
I sighed, “I can’t sleep.”
“Oh.”

I reached the bathroom, immediately running the bath. I suppose the best way to go out is to be at peace, so I used my favorite bath soap. Waiting for the water to fill, I turned towards the full body mirror, dropping my robe on the floor. From there, I really took a long look at my reflection. Mai was right; did I really expect no one to notice that I wasn’t eating, or even sleeping? My face was sunken in—just like the way my father’s cheekbones were—and the bags under my eyes were so dark, it was even scaring me to look at myself. My ribs poked out more so than they used to, and even with all the scars littering my body it was still noticeable. I shook my head at myself; how could anyone love someone as damaged as me? I looked away, a single tear slipping from my eye.

I dropped my pants after grabbing my blade and stepped into the tub, submerging myself up to my nose immediately. I breathed out, smoke blowing out of my nostrils and mixing with the steam from the bath. Closing my eyes, I breathed in deeply, really taking in the aroma of the jasmine petal infused soap that was in the bath. I smiled softly to myself, remembering how Mai used to laugh at the fact that such a tough guy as myself could like something so…feminine. What can I say? The flower simply smelled wonderful and no one could deny it. Almost as soon as my smile came, it had vanished, realizing that I was never going to have her back in my life.

I sat up, unsheathing the blade in the air. I hesitated for a moment, really thinking about my next decision. I know that as the Fire Lord, I was supposed to do what was right for my people… And what was right, was getting rid of the failure that had become the Fire Lord. There would be no one that would miss me, and I knew that for a fact. I brought the blade horizontal to my wrist, holding it against my skin, feeling the burr dig in. Azula’s words instantly came to mind while doing so. Don’t cut across the street, Zuzu. If you really wanted to kill yourself, you would have to cut down the road. But we all know how much of a coward you are, you could never actually do it. Her evil laugh still rings through my mind.

I groan in frustration. “I’ll prove you wrong, Azula! I’m not the coward you think I am!” I shouted this at the top of my lungs, turning the blade so it sat in the middle of my forearm, but still close to my wrist. “Mom, if you’re out there… If you’re out there, I’ll see you soon,” I bellowed, pressing as hard as I could into my skin, sliding the knife down my forearm.
With a trembling hand, I dropped the blade into the tub, watching my blood quickly fill up the enlongated divot I created in my skin. It stayed in that line for a brief moment before I watched it spill over into the water. It was the darkest I have ever seen it, nearly black. The water around me began to turn red with my own blood and I started to quiver, realizing that what I did was a terrible mistake, but there was no turning back now. A sob leaves my mouth—panic started to set in—I was so scared that I had made the wrong decision. I shook my head back and forth, letting my body slide into the water. This was it, this was really it. I am going to die, and I am finally going to rid myself of this deep depression that is my life. With the warm water around my body comforting me, realization hit me hard—this was the right choice, after all. If I were to leave this earth feeling as comfortable as I did just now, I would be completely content with that. I felt so warm with the water embracing me, lulling me to the peaceful slumber that I wanted. I smiled true to myself before closing my eyes and just letting my mind slip, nature taking me from reality.

---

A tall woman stands before me with her back turned, leaving me with the image of long, beautiful dark hair and a elegant maroon qipao with golden trim. I smile to myself, looking around, seeing the dozens of cherry blossom trees around us, slowly letting go of their light pink petals that snowed down. There was this familiar, tiny pond, with the turtleduck family that swam inside it. The woman before me is crouched down in front of it, holding her hand out to feed them some bread. It was this moment that I realized that this woman was my mother. I could feel the tears well up in my eyes, spilling over immediately as I ran to her. “Mom!”
She turns to me, gasping and leaving her arms wide open for me to run into. We embrace—and at this moment, I realized that I was a child again. I knew that I didn’t have my humiliating scars anymore, and that I had my mother’s love again.
“Zuko, my child, oh how I’ve missed you,” she sighs, holding me at the shoulders to look me in the eye. It was then that I realized I had my mother’s golden eyes, and the thought of that brought a smile to my face.
“I missed you more than ever, mom. I want to know everything.”
“Everything?”
“Everything.”
“For you, my dear, I’ll start from the beginning… But you must go back.”
I furrowed my brows at her. “Go back? But I just got here!”
She chuckles, holding me tight for a minute. “You just need to wake up, my love…” her voice softens, and her body fades away from mine.

---

“No!” I shot up, gasping for air.
“Zuko! You’re okay!” I hear a female say, but I couldn’t quite put a face to the voice at the moment.
I looked to my right, seeing that I was still in the bathroom, but glancing down I could see that it was a mess in here. The floor was soaked in what seemed to be blood and water, towels were almost everywhere you looked and the blade was on the floor too, the sheath missing. I hold my hand to my head, not believing anything. I was just with my mom, how could I be here? “Where is my mother?” I croaked.
“Your mother?”
I looked up to see that Katara was now here to my left and had asked me this.
“Yes, my mother. I-I was just with her, you see, she was holding me and feeding turtleducks and—”
“Zuko, I don’t know if you realize this or not, but you were gone for a minute or two there,” she sounds, concern masking her voice.
“Gone… You mean—?”
She nods, “Yes. You died, Zuko. You did this to yourself, but Suki here managed to find me in time to save you.” I watched as she motions her head towards my arm, which she was now holding.
I glance down at it, immediately taking a second look. The wound… it was already healed. With a trembling hand, I reached out and touched the pale pink flesh, careful not to somehow reopen the wound. Upon feeling it, it was obvious that this was completely healed and that there would be no way to accidentally tear it open. “How?”

She placed her cold fingers on my chin, guiding my head up so I was looking at her. “I still had some of that water from the Oasis at the North Pole. I told you that I was to use that on important things, and this was definitely important. Zuko, the world needs you.”
I shake my head at this nonsense. “No, the world doesn’t need me. It needs the Avatar, but not me.”
She sighed, letting it go. “Please, you need to promise me that you will never do this again. We need you around, more than you think.”
I felt my lips quiver, and like the child in that vision I saw, I cried. I wholeheartedly let the weeps take over me, letting my head rest on her chest. It seemed to feel of great relief to cry, but in reality, it was the feeling of someone actually believing in me that made things seem alright. Between sobs, I thanked her for saving me and opening my eyes.

“You don’t need to thank me, Zuko. That’s what friends are for,” she tells me. “You will always have Team Avatar.”
I breathed a small chuckle, wiping my eyes. “I know, Katara. Thank you. But can you promise me one thing?”
“Sure, anything.”
“Promise me that we will find my mother… I saw her, you know. When I passed, I saw her. I held her, and she told me that she was going to explain to me what happened to her. I know she’s out there somewhere… I just don’t know where. The only person I know that knows of her whereabouts, is my sister.”
I watched her nod slowly, clearly not believing in my quest, but she promised nonetheless.