Home, Sweet Home

I woke up because my pillow was growling. I laid there with my eyes closed trying to figure out what was happening then I remember that the three of us had passed out on the couch the night before. I opened one eye just a crack and saw that I was on Dan’s stomach. I closed my eye and decided to just take in what was going on around me. I mean how often do you get to use your crush as a pillow? I mean best friend. He’s my best friend. No crush here.

I could hear the TV on low in the background. My head was moving up and down with Dan’s breathing. I felt warm? I wiggled my fingers a little and found that someone put a blanket on me. Someone was playing with my hair so I opened my eyes just a crack.

Dan was staring at the TV. When his hand came into view I saw a strand of my hair running though his fingers. I felt little butterflies in my stomach. I could lay here for the rest of my life and be content. Then I heard it again. It his stomach was growling.

I opened my eyes all the way. He looked down at me with a smile.

“Hey.” He said quietly.

“Hi.” I whispered back.

“Did the TV wake you?” Dan asked.

“No. Your stomach did. You hungry?” I questioned.

“Starving.” He answered. I sat up and stretched. As I stood, I looked around the room for Phil.

“Where’s Phil?” I asked when I didn’t see him.

“His room. He wanted to wait for you to wake up before we ate. I think he’s hoping you would cook.” said Dan also standing and stretching.

“I hope he doesn’t want pancakes.” I mumbled.

Dan chuckled at my remark. “I wouldn’t mind eggs.” he said with a wink.

“What kind of eggs are we in the mood for?” I asked.

“The undeveloped kind, preferably.”

I punched him lightly. “I meant how you want then cooked.”

He thought for a while. “Can you make poached eggs?” He asked.

“Sure, do you want the yoke cooked all the way through?”

He shook his head as I headed off to the kitchen to get started on the eggs. He followed me in.

“Do you want toast?” I asked looking over at Dan. He nodded his head.

“Okay go ask Phil what kind of eggs he wants.” I said putting some bread in the toaster.

“He’ll just have cereal. He doesn’t really like eggs much.” Dan said. He didn’t even have to go and ask because he knew Phil so well. It reminded me that Dan may be my best friend but Phil was his friend first. For a few seconds I felt like I was intruding in on their lives. I pushed those thoughts away and locked them in with my feelings for Dan.

I quickly got to work. Eggs were probably the easiest thing in the world to make. Scratch that, breakfast in general was the easiest to make. I was thankful Dan and Phil usually handled supper unless we ordered out, which we had been doing a lot recently.

Dan went and got Phil then the three of us ate breakfast together. Phil was kind of bummed that I didn’t make him pancakes but I just didn’t want to cook them. When I told Phil this he pulled a face that almost made me want to cave in. I swear he is going to turn into a pancake one day.

After that I decided to do the dishes while the boys went to their rooms and got to work editing. I tidied up the lounge and the nerd room a bit, did a couple of loads of laundry and then got to work on my room.

It was a mess, mostly just things out of place. I had a growing pile of books on my nightstand that I moved to the book shelf. I had a few movies on the floor by my bed because while Dan and Phil were filming I tried to just hang out in my room and watch movies. I put them in their place as well. The rest was just making my bed and things like that.

When I was done I was tempted to go down and bug the boys but I knew they needed to work on editing. But they did need lunch. I wandered down to the kitchen and whipped up grilled cheese and another sandwich for Phil, because he’s weird and doesn’t like cheese, along with some waters and brought them into the guy’s rooms. Phil didn’t really acknowledge me but almost as soon as I put the sandwich down, he grabbed it and took a bite.

Next I brought Dan’s into him. I figured he would be the one to ignore me, but when I came in he took off his headphones and smiled at me. I think it was because of the food.

“Thank you. I didn’t even know I was hungry until you brought this in. It smells good.” said Dan as I put the food on his desk.

“No problem. I figured you’d want food in here so that you can continue editing.” I said.

“Well I’m up for a break if you want.” Dan said standing and stretching.

“I’ll stay while you eat if you want.” I offered.

“Okay.” I went over and sat on the chair by the piano. I couldn’t help but run my fingers over
the keys lightly my love affair with the piano not forgotten.

It didn’t take Dan long to eat and then I had to force myself to leave the room. The piano was calling my name. Then again it might have been me wanting to be around Dan longer.

Once I was in my room, I decided to read. I needed something to help me pass the time and I was kind of sick of looking at a computer screen. I grabbed my old battered copy of Dracula by Bram Stoker and laid down on the rug.

I had just gotten to the part where Johnathan Harker escaped Count Dracula’s Castle when I heard a knock on my door.

“Come in.” I said.

“Hey, you hungry?” said Phil, poking his head in my door.

“Sure.” I replied.

“Okay I’ll bring some food up to you if you want.” He offered.

“Nah, just come get me when it’s ready. I’ll eat with you. Besides, Dan is probably still editing and won’t leave his room.”

With that he left shutting the door behind him. I tried reading again but I just felt restless and couldn’t concentrate on the words. I decided to go down and see if Phil needed any help. I made my way to the kitchen. When I walked in Phil looked like he had everything under control but before I could leave he turned and saw me.

“Hey.” He said looking over his shoulder.

“Hey.”

“So, I was just thinking, I actually wanted to talk to you about something.” Phil said not looking away from the food on the stove.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“It’s just, you know, about Dan and about you living here with us,” said Phil whispering Dan’s name and stumbling over his words a bit. I understood what he was trying to get at. He wanted to know how I was going to be because of that stupid crush thing.

“I’ll be fine.” I said, totally lying. Phil looked over at me like he knew I was lying. Shit.

“Listen, I don’t really want to talk about it, especially here. Honestly I just want to forget about it, but it seems like the more I fight it, the worse it gets.” I could feel my eyes start to water for no reason. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. I swallowed the lump forming in my throat. I watched as Phil finished up the food and then walked over to me. Why do I have to be so over emotional?

“I want you to tell me about what’s going on in that head of yours. I really want to help you. Just know that when you’re ready to talk, I’m here for you,” said Phil pulling me into a hug. I felt the tears return to my eyes and before I could stop them, they started to brim over. Damn it, I said I wasn’t going to cry. But then again, when has that ever worked.

The truth was I did want to talk about it, but I wanted to talk to Dan. He and I had always been really close and I could talk about anything and everything with him, except for this. It killed me that I couldn’t talk to my best friend about the guy I was crushing on. I couldn’t tell him about something so big going on in my life because if I did then he would know I like him. I couldn’t even talk to him about getting rid of this stupid crush I had on him.

I was so glad that Phil knew, because I don’t think I would have been able to handle this on my own, but still he wasn’t Dan. Phil and I didn’t have the same closeness as Dan and I did. But he was better than nothing.

I felt Phil rubbing circles on my back. This was when I realized the streams of tears running down my face. Damn it Sammie, you big baby! You said you weren’t going to cry and now you’re bawling.

“Hey lets go eat in your room and we can talk or we can just sit in silence or… we can watch a movie.” Phil said when I finally managed to stop the flood of tears. I nodded my head.

“I’m just going to bring some food in to Dan and then we’ll head upstairs. Okay?” I nodded again wiping away the wetness on my face. Phil was gone and back quickly. We took our stir fry up to my room and we ate in silence on the floor.

Phil finished first and started to make a cozy looking wall of pillows on the bed where it was up against the wall. He added my fuzzy, comfy blankets and set up my laptop with a movie. I finished eating and climbed up on the bed. Phil sat my laptop in his lap but before he could push play, I stopped him.

“Phil, I-I just really wish the whole crush thing would disappear. I don’t want to love Dan.” I paused, my eyes going wide. Did I really love Dan? This was the moment when I really started to think back on all of the things I have felt for Dan. Phil hugged me and told me everything would be okay, but the realization that I was possibly in love, or on the brink of falling in love, with my best friend made me think otherwise.

When I was finally able to calm down from my mini panic attack, I continued with what I was trying to tell Phil.

“I really don’t know if living with you guys is the best idea.” I really did want to live with them but I kept adding on to the cons of living with them that now there were so many. I didn’t know if the pros could outweigh them.

“Okay, what makes you not want to live with us, besides Dan?” Phil questioned.

“The filming. I know it’s your job, but it’s hard for me, especially while my work schedule is inconsistent.” Phil nodded in understanding. “That and if I were to live with you for good, I would get caught in videos a lot more. I’m sorry but it’s hard enough just being friends with you and not letting your subscribers know who I am. Do you really think we’ll be able to keep them from finding out who I am if I become your roommate long term?”

“What’s so bad about the filming? I know it’s hard with figuring out days where we go out but I think we’ve done well so far. But I don’t get why you’re so against being on camera. Why don’t you want the subscribers to know you?” asked Phil. I never really explained it out to him like I had with Dan.

“Think of it this way. I wasn’t into YouTube when I first met you guys. Yeah, I looked up funny cat videos but that’s basically all I thought YouTube was: funny cat videos, pranks, fails, Vevo, and cover videos. I didn’t know what I know about YouTube now.” I said

“But that doesn’t explain why you don’t want to be in videos. I mean I’ve seen so many people
that didn’t know about YouTube in the beginning and they are now starting channels and stuff. I just don’t get it.” Said Phil. I could tell he was desperately trying to understand me. I just needed to spit it out.

“I don’t want to be on camera. I hate the way my voice sounds on video. I definitely wouldn’t want to look at myself or hear myself long enough to edit a video. I would so much rather be behind the camera. I even cut out my face out when I add pictures of myself to my blog. I’ve never been one to put myself out there. And… I’m scared. I’m scared that people won’t like me and I’m equally as scared that people will. I have never liked to be in the spot light or have a lot attention focused on me. I’m afraid of what people could say in the comments. I know there are going to be bad ones and I know there will be the ones where they want more than just seeing my bra or hearing me kill brain cells.” I was really going into a rant here

“Yeah, but now you see YouTube differently and you started your blog. That’s putting yourself out there. And why would you be scared that people will like you?” Phil retorted.

“I can’t hide behind the computer screen in a video. With being in a YouTube video, people can see me. They can judge me on the way I look and how I sound and it won’t be about my opinions or anything like it is with my blog. If they like me, they will want me to be in more videos. Plus if Dan were to ever find out how I feel, I know it would never work out and I would be forced to leave. Then that would cause problems for you guys.” I said.

Phil say quietly for a minute. “It wouldn’t be all bad. A lot of people are curious about you. They wanna know you. They know that we like you enough to have you live with us. Dan would never want you to leave even if he didn’t like you back. He loves you, even if it’s not the way you want. And I love you. If Dan were to react badly, I would be on your side.” Said Phil almost pleading.

“But what about the Phangirls. The ones that hate on any girl you guys are with. Have you seen the amount of hate Cat and Louise get when they are in a video with you guys?” I countered.

“I have, but Dan and I get that much hate from other people that like Cat, or any other YouTubers we do videos with.” I sighed. It felt almost like I was arguing with Phil. I didn’t like it, but I had one more point to make.

“What about the shipping? People will be mad at me because I broke up “Phan.” They will either ship me with you, or ship me with Dan.” I stated making my final point.

“What you don’t like hashtag Dam?” said Phil wiggling his eyebrows, instantly lightening the mood.

“Oh my God, how long did it take for you to think of that one?” I asked.

“You being in videos is one of the things Dan and I considered before we asked you to stay. We knew the possibility of you being in videos grew more likely to happen. Before we asked you, we thought about all of the things that could happen YouTube wise with you living here. We also had a small conversation about cutting down the possibility of all the shipping that would possibly eventually happen. When I was thinking about the whole shipping thing, it just happened to pop in my head.” Said Phil with a shrug.

“Oh God, what’s our ship name, dare I ask?” I said scrunching up my face.

“They aren’t nearly as good as you and Dan but ours would be Pham or Sil. I prefer Dam. We could add the “n” from Dan’s name and then you would be Damn.” Said Phil drawing out the “a” and then winking. I couldn’t help but laugh.

“OMG AmazingPhil just swore! OMG! OMG! OMG!” I said in my most fangirl sounding voice causing Phil to snort laugh.

I decided then that I wasn’t going to think about my decision for the rest of the time I had with the boys. I wanted to enjoy hanging out with my friends before they left. Phil and I never ended up watching the movie, we just chatted away like I used to with Dan.

Things between Dan and I had been a little different recently. I figured it was just because of me trying to control my feelings for him, but I realized I was distancing myself from him. I wanted to be with Dan like I used to be, carefree and fun.

At the same time I can tell he is feeling the resistance in our friendship and is backing off. I almost felt like I was losing him and I definitely didn’t want that.

I had a hard time falling asleep that night. I didn’t want to be that girl that fell in love with their best guy-friend. Things always went wrong, one never liked the other back or they did and then their relationship fell apart and they lost contact. The one thing I know is that I don’t want it to make me lose Dan. I felt like if I lost him, then I would eventually lose Phil and I wouldn’t have anyone left.

I had made a lot of friends through Dan and Phil, like Louise and Zoe and also Niomi and Tanya from hanging out with Zoe, but if I lost Dan, I don’t think I would be able to talk to any of them. They would remind me of him too much. I had a couple of friends from work but I wasn’t nearly as close to them as I was with Dan, Phil, and some of their YouTube friends.

I didn’t sleep well. I just kept having dreams that everyone I loved, just kept walking away from me. I would chase after them but they would always be just out of reach. Then after Dan left, suddenly I was drowning. Seaweed would cover my mouth and wrap around my head pulling me farther and farther away from the water’s surface. It was a dream I had when I was stressed about something and it was happening more and more often.

I awoke not being able to breathe. The pillow wall had collapsed on me and I was being smothered by a particularly fluffy one. I had a major headache and I just didn’t feel like moving. I threw all of the pillows on the floor except for the ones that I normally sleep with. I took off my jeans that I had fallen asleep in and I took off my t-shirt so I was just in an under shirt and my underwear and crawled back under the covers.

I never fell back asleep but I didn’t get out of bed all day. I just kept going over and over the same questions in my head. What if I did tell Dan? Would he hate me? Would he ask me to move out? What if he laughed at me? What if he liked me back? If I stayed, would I be able to hide my feelings for Dan? If I was in videos, would the Phandom like me? I thought I wasn’t going to think about this stuff. Damn it, Sammie. You never listen.

Phil came in and checked on me a couple of times, bringing me water and food. He even sat with me for about a half hour. I asked him all the questions that were running through my head. He didn’t have an answer for some but for others he had some advice.

His advice on the Phandom was that he and Dan loved me. Therefore if the Phandom loved them, they had to love me. I tried to argue but he was persistent.

“What happens if you and Dan do end up together? You’d have to face the Phandom eventually. Plus Dan already wants to do videos with you, don’t you think that if you ended up together he would persuade you eventually.” Phil said. It made sense but I had no plans of ever telling Dan about my feelings for him.

Phil tried to get me to come out of my room but I was just too exhausted to move. Because of the nightmares, it was like I didn’t sleep at all. I explained this to Phil but he just didn’t seem to get it.

Around six thirty in the evening I decided that I should probably go and have a shower, and I really needed to pee. I never made it to the bathroom.

“Hey Sam.” I heard just as I stepped off the first set of stairs.

“Hey.” I said looking up at Dan.

“Where have you been all day?” Dan asked.

“Room.”

“Oh, are you okay?” asked Dan. I knew I couldn’t lie to him. He would see right through it like he always has. I shook my head. He stepped towards me, I stepped back. I smiled up at him in apology.

“Hey, if you need to talk, I’m here for you okay?” Dan said not trying to come closer. I nodded. I knew I could never talk to him about this crush. But I could talk to him about my dreams. He was the only one that had ever really understood them.

“Dan?” I said as he was turning away. “I do want to talk, actually.”

Dan walked into his room and I followed. He sat on his bed and I sat in the butt chair. For a few minutes we were both silent.

“I’m having really bad dreams again.” I finally managed to spit out.

“Oh,” Dan replied. “What are they about?”

“All of my friends: Phil, Zoe, Louise,” I paused and met Dan’s eyes for the first time. “You, you all left me. I tried to chase after you but you were always a step ahead of me. I couldn’t catch you. Then that reoccurring seaweed dream happened. I’m just a little shaken.”

“Sammie, why didn’t you tell me those dreams were back?” Dan asked scolding me slightly.

“That’s the second time you’ve called me Sammie.” I said.

“Oh, sometimes when I think about you, in my head I call you Sammie.” Said Dan then quickly realizing what he said. “Not that I, uh, think about you. That’s weird. I don’t think about you. I mean…”

I couldn’t help but smile at his sudden awkwardness.

“Dan, it’s okay. I knew what you meant. It’s just you’ve never really called me that. I kind of like it though” I stopped him from rambling on.

“And this is the first one I’ve had in a while, the dreams I mean. I guess that’s why it shook me so much.”

“So what was Phil doing in your room last night?” Dan asked.

“Just talking.” I said with a shrug.

“What about?” he questioned. I could feel my heart speed up at the question. Did he know? Did he hear us?

“Did you hear us talking?” I asked.

“No, just heard his voice when I went to the nerd room for something. We don’t ever seem to talk like this anymore.” Said Dan looking down at his hands.

“It was about moving in. I ran into him in the kitchen and got to talking. I don’t know if I want to move in because I know eventually I would end up being in videos more and more often, and I’m just not sure about it.” I explained.

“I understand, but technically we introduced you to our subscribers as our roommate. We never told them it was temporary so I expect them to have already accepted you. Whether you stay or not.” Dan countered.

“Okay, I’ll see you later, I really, really have to pee.” I said turning to the door to leave.

“Oh! That reminds me.” Dan exclaimed.

“Me going pee reminded you of something?” I asked trying to keep the slight smile off my face.

“No, well yeah kinda. I’ll fill you in later.” Said Dan with a mischievous smile. I was curious but at the same time it felt like my bladder was going to explode so I chose my bladder over my curiosity. Another awkward pee occurred, but this time the eye contact was with Zayn. I think I actually cried a single tear while peeing. Oh the 1D feels.

I went back up to my room and figured I could work on a blog post until I finally fell asleep. I was also hoping that I wouldn’t have that nightmare again. I felt like the little talk I had with Dan was the start of repairing our friendship in a way. The whole time I was only thinking of him as Dan my best friend, not Dan the man that I was possibly…falling…in love…with.

I pushed all thoughts of the “L” word and having feelings for Dan or anything to do with YouTube or making videos, away and thought only of the time I had with my two best friends before they left. I would have a week to asses my feelings about him and to decide if living with Dan and Phil was the best idea for me.

I fell asleep that night with only thoughts of how much fun we were all going to have tomorrow. I started planning the day out in my head. I wanted to try to do something fun. Something that Dan and Phil didn’t normally do and something that we didn’t normally do together.