Home, Sweet Home

The next three days seemed to fly by. My mind was only filled with working and sleeping. I’m shocked I remembered to eat. It left little time to miss the boys but it also left little time to think about my answer. It seemed that the day I was supposed to give my answer grew closer and closer.

I did however find the time to look up the cost of a flight and book one for the week after the guys got back. I worked it out with my boss so I would be working every day except for the day before I left. I managed to get three weeks off in case for some reason I had a hard time getting back. I switched my current days for the weeks I was gone with some of my coworkers and payday was the day that I left so everything worked out perfectly. I missed my family and Lily. I was in desperate need of time with my best friend of all time.

Tuesday was my day off and I had a lot of house work to do. Mostly just dishes that I didn’t have time to do since the guys left and a couple loads of laundry. It seemed like I was never caught up on laundry. Probably because I change my clothes like three times a day. I also vacuumed the rug in my room. Since I spend a lot of time down there it needs to be vacuumed often.

I finished a blog post and posted it. I also answered some comments from my last post which was about the picnic. I got a lot of comments about the pictures and how good they were. I was going to have to thank Phil for taking a few of them when he got home.

I ended up getting bored and I texted Phil and telling him now instead.

“Hey Phil. How’s California?”

“Good. Busy. We are seeing a lot of friends.”

“Cool! I just wanted to thank you for taking some of those pictures the other day at the park. I got a lot of comments on my blog about them.”

“Yeah no problem. I’m glad people liked them.”

“So what are you guys up to now?”

“We’re getting coffee with some friends. Can I text you later?”

“Yeah no problem. Have fun.”

“Thanks. We will.”

He never did text me back but I understood that they were hanging out with friends that they didn’t normally get to hang out with. I was glad that they were having fun. Even if I did miss them terribly, I wasn’t going to pull them away.

I did however get a Skype call from Dan and Phil. They chatted to me about all of the fun things they were doing at Vidcon. They told me that a lot of other YouTubers were wondering who had moved in with them. They didn’t tell any of them anything. I told them that Niomi and Marcus knew because I went for a run with Niomi. The only YouTubers that knew I was living with Dan and Phil were Louise and Zoe and they were sworn to secrecy. Of course Zoe could tell Alfie but that was it.

The call was short because they were going out to eat with Cat. I told them to have fun and that I would see them on Friday. I passed out right after the call ended.

Now it was Thursday. The day before the guys came back and I still didn’t have an answer to living with the guys. That was my task for today. There was a lot of back and forth in my head. I even ran up and down the stairs a couple of times to try and clear my head and even that didn’t work.

I laid face down on my fuzzy carpet. Finally I broke down and called Lily.

“Here try this. Can you picture yourself living with them?” she asked me after I had finally calmed down and stopped asking her my hysterical questions that were running thought my brain a mile a minute.

“Yes.” I replied quickly.

“Can you picture yourself living on your own, without either of them?” she questioned.

It took me longer to answer.

“No, I can’t.” I said with a sigh.

“Then you have your answer. It’s okay if in the end it doesn’t work out. They will both love you just the same.” said Lily.

Her words helped me a lot. She had always been the calm rational one while I was over emotional and jumped to conclusions. We evened each other out.

“Since when did you become so all knowing and wise?” I asked sarcastically.

“It’s a gift.”

I could picture the look on her face now causing my frown to turn into a small smile.

We hung up and I retreated back into my brain.

So I can’t picture myself not living with them. If Dan asked I would be in a video with him. I didn’t want to miss out on the possible memories I could have with the guys. So what then, was holding me back? I knew what it was but did I want to admit it to myself?

Then in my head I heard a voice that sounded strangely like Lily say you love him you idiot. You are in love with your best friend. You love Dan. Say it out loud Sammie.

“I love Dan.” I said listening to the voice.

“Wow Sammie. Talking to yourself because a voice in your head told you too. You’re not crazy now are you?” I said to myself.

It was only noon and I had managed to admit to myself that I was in love with my best friend not that I really believed it. I don’t see how this day could get any better. Please note the extreme sarcasm. Thank you.

“God I’m so weird.” I said to myself.

I literally felt like I was going insane.

Can I control my feelings for Dan and still live with him? Yes.

Am I saying that only because I want to live with Dan and Phil? Yes.

Does that mean I can’t control my feelings for Dan if I move in with the guys permanently? Not necessarily.

I remembered Lily’s words. If it doesn’t work, that’s okay. They will love you just the same. Would they? If Dan found out about my feelings, would he love me the same? Would we stay friends? Could I if he didn’t reciprocate my feelings? Or would we fall out? The voice that sounded strangely like Lily was back.

How will you know if you never try? How will you know you can’t control your feelings living with Dan? How do you know he won’t like you back? Put yourself out there Sammie. You can do it. I believe in you. And if we wanna get technical, I’m you. So therefore you believe in you.

I needed to get up and move. I stood and did a once over of the whole house. It was spotless. Both of the machines were still going so I had nothing to do. I just paced around the house. When I looked up I was in Dan’s room. It smelled like him. I looked around at all of his things and suddenly felt like I was intruding but I pushed it away.

I went over and sat at the piano. The guys were gone and I couldn’t resist the call of the piano any longer. I sat just pushing random keys and chords. It ended up turning into a melody I recognized but couldn’t place. I remembered the keys to push but I couldn’t remember what it was called.

When I looked up from the piano, the intruding feeling came back and I couldn’t ignore it this time. I got up and left Dan’s room. My phone vibrate in my pocket again. It was a text from Dan.

“Hey boarding the flight home now. See you soon :D”

“Okay have a safe flight.”

In my head I added an “I love you” to the end of the text. Goddammit Sammie. Pull yourself together.

It was almost five in the evening and I wasn’t feeling particularly hungry so I walked into the lounge and laid face down on the sofa.

By now I had made a list of reasons to stay and reasons to leave and one of them seemed to be much longer than the other.

Reasons to leave: One, filming, but I felt like I could possibly get used to it eventually. Two, my stupid crush thing. It was just extremely inconvenient. I made it a mission to forget about the crush thing and just move on with my life. Three, the Phangirls. I was pretty sure I could handle them but I don’t wanna be too cocky. They can be a bit crazy at times.

Reasons to stay: One, I get to hang out with my best friends all the time. Two, I don’t have to cook as much. A purely selfish reason. Three, that damned crush on Dan. It’s like he is a drug that’s just out of reach and I am the addict that’s still desperately trying to reach for it even thought my brain is telling me not to. Four, this flat is affordable seeing as rent is now split three ways. Five, I live close to work which is extremely convenient. Six, this flat feels more like home that home does, but maybe that’s just London in general.

As you can see my reasons to stay list is much longer and I could deal with the reasons to leave. Then and there I made up my mind. I was going to stay. I was going to live with Dan and Phil for good. This whole internal struggle thing was mentally exhausting and within five minutes I was fast asleep.

The next thing I knew I was being lifted. I inhaled deeply and the scent was very familiar but in my half-conscious state I just couldn’t seem to put my finger on it. I was jostled a little but I just didn’t seem to have the energy to open my eyes. I felt cool bed sheets under me and it was very comfortable except for the fact that I was still wearing jeans. All thoughts were soon forgotten because I fell back asleep as soon and my head touched the pillow.

The scent lingered in my nose as I entered the dream world.

I was sitting with Dan on a hill. We were watching the sun sink down into the ocean. As the last rays of sun disappeared I looked over at Dan and he was looking at me with a small smile on his lips. My eyes flicked from his lips back up to his eyes and his smile widened. I felt his had touch mine then slowly entwine with my fingers.

I let myself fall into his eyes. It was something I had never let myself do before out of fear that I would kiss him. But right now it felt like the only right thing to do. Looking at them now, I never realized how deep his eyes really were.

Here in the dark there was no distinction between his iris and pupil and instead of the chocolate brown they normally were they were almost black. They matched his aesthetic perfectly. I wanted nothing more than to fall into them and never return.

“I love your eyes.” Dan said it barely above a whisper. “I love your hair and how soft it always is. I love the face you make when you get lost in a book. How your forehead crinkles and you sometimes bite your thumb nail but never bite it off.”

I tried to speak but for some reason the words just wouldn’t come out.

“I love how your arms wrap around me when you hug me and it feel like you belong there. You fit like puzzle piece. I love when you beat me at a video game. The look you get in your eyes and how sometimes you can’t hold back a yell of victory. I sometimes let you win just so I can see your victory dance.” Again I tried to open my mouth to speak but it was like my lips had been sewn together.

“I have been so scared to tell you all of this and I want nothing more than to finally tell you that… I love you. I love all of you. Even the fact that you almost never listen to a song the whole way through before you change it. The fact that you say “knock on wood” when it’s “touch wood”.” I wanted to tell him that I love him too but my voice was gone. I imagine this is how Ariel felt when Ursula took her voice.

“I love you so much that sometimes all I can think about if kissing your lips. Sometimes I almost do… but I know you don’t feel the same. How could you? You so amazing and beautiful and you’re too good for me. But I love you and I always will.” He squeezed my hand and I felt lips press to my forehead. Then my hand was empty and his eyes were gone and I just wanted him back.

I wanted to hug him and tell him that he is all I ever wanted. I wanted to tell him that I love him more than he could ever realize. I wanted to tell him that I could never be too good for him. I wanted to tell him how much I looked up to him, not just because of the height difference. I wanted to tell him he was the only one I wanted.

I felt something slimy moving across my cheek and over my mouth. I knew what was coming but I couldn’t stop it. I felt it wrap around my mouth and nose and down my neck and then it started pulling me down the hill to the water. I clawed at my face hoping I could pull it off but I couldn’t.

I was under the water in second. I thrashed around and all that happened was the seaweed tightened around my face. I wanted to scream but my voice was still gone so I just screamed in my head. It was pulling me down to the bottom of the ocean. Just above me I could see a hand in the water reaching out to me but no matter how hard I tried to grab it I just couldn’t reach.

I woke suddenly sitting up and taking a deep breath. I could finally breathe. I was completely disoriented and had no clue where I was but I could breathe so I didn’t really care. I took a few deep breaths and laid back. These fucking dreams will be the death of me.

Why does my brain have to tease me about Dan in almost every dream I have. All those things he said, I know he would never actually say them. I would so much rather go back to the dream world where Dan loved me. Even if I do drown in the ocean by the evil seaweed.

Once again I felt myself drifting back to sleep but this time there was no Dan to greet me. Instead I was met with total darkness.



I slowly opened my eyes. This is not where I fell asleep. I looked around my room and wondered how I got here. Then I remembered the sensation of being lifted. They were home. And one of them carried me up here. They were home. I jumped out of bed.

I quickly changed into leggings and a t-shirt. Then tied my loose hair into a messy bun. I quietly exited my room not wanting to wake them up if they were still asleep. I managed to make it down to the lounge without breaking something. It was empty. I made my way further down the hall and peeked into Dan’s room. He was fast asleep. I didn’t want to bother him because he looked so peaceful while he slept. I moved on to peek in Phil’s room.

He had his eyes closed but I could tell he wasn’t asleep. I walked in and laid on the bed next to him. When he felt the bed dip he opened his eyes and smiled up at me.

“Hey Sam.” Phil said in a sleepy voice.

“Hey, how was Vidcon?” I asked making myself comfortable.

“It was good. We got to see a lot of friends. I have an arm cramp, you mind?” said Phil putting his arm under my head.

I turned to face him and told him I didn’t mind.

“On a scale of one to ten how much fun did you have?” I asked.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a dark figure go past the door. I just figured it was my imagination playing tricks on me, trying to scare me. It had been doing it for the past week and I just started to ignore it now. I knew the doors were locked so there couldn’t be an intruder.

“A million.” said Phil in response.

I couldn’t help but laugh. I really did miss my friends. This place was too quiet without them. And creepy.

“So what did you do with the house all to yourself for a week?” Phil asked.

“Well, um, I worked four days. Did a lot of house work, and called my friend Lily. You remember me telling you about my friend from home.” I said.

Phil nodded. I told him all of the things I did, leaving out the part about going home for a visit and my decision to stay.

“Wow you managed to do a lot of things.” said Phil.

I knew he wanted me to tell him my answer but I wasn’t going to give it to him until he asked and I wanted to tell Dan at the same time.

“Yup.” I said popping the “p”.

“I’ve missed you.” said Phil wrapping me in a hug completely out of the blue.

“I’ve missed you too. It’s too quiet when you guys are gone. Next time take me with you.” I said getting up off the bed when Phil released the hug.

I figured I’d let Phil rest for a while.

Phil’s laughter followed me out of his room. I felt like I needed caffeine so I made my way to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. When I turned the corner I saw Dan standing there making a cup for himself. I walked in a little further.

“Hey.” I said softly trying not to make him jump.

“Hey.” Dan said without turning around.

I wanted to reach out and touch his shoulder, but I restrained myself.

“How was Vidcon?” I asked leaning up against the counter beside him, trying to make eye contact with him.

“I’m sure Phil already told you all about it.” Dan mumbled.

I knew I wasn’t supposed to hear it but I did anyway.

“So?” I asked choosing to ignore his statement.

“It was good. Saw a lot of friends.” Dan said.

His answers were short.

“Okay that’s exactly what Phil said. What did you do fun? Tell me stories.” I said bumping my shoulder against Dan’s.

“Later. I have some editing to do.” And with that Dan left.

I stood in the kitchen in a state of shock. Dan had never really been like this before to me. Something was up with him and I needed to know what it was. I decided to follow him into his room.

“Daniel, something is wrong and you are going to tell me.” I said standing in his door and crossing my arms.

Dan just looked at me. I decided that I had no choice but to hug it out of him. I was across the room and hugging him before he even knew what hit him.

“Sam! What are you doing?” said Dan.

I could tell he was slightly angry but I didn’t care. I just held on.

“You’re grumpy so I’m hugging you until you feel better. Tell me what’s wrong.” I said.

“Hhhh. What is going on with you and Phil?” Dan asked quietly.

That is not what I expected him to say at all.

“Nothing.” I said still hugging him.

“Okay.” He replied.

“So are you going to let go of me so I can edit or are you just gonna stay there?” Dan asked trying to lighten the mood and failing abysmally.

I could tell his attempt at lightheartedness wasn’t genuine. He was still grumpy on the inside but I could tell he was trying to hide it. I brushed off Dan’s grumpy mood accounting it to just be jet lag.

“I don’t know. You’re warm and you give the best hugs so I think I’ll just stay here all morning.” I said loosening my grip so Dan could have his arms back.

He freed them and then wrapped them around me.

“I don’t really give the best hugs do I?” Dan asked sarcastically and disbelieving while giving me a squeeze.

I could feel his body relax into the hug. I knew he wanted to lighten the mood so I was going to lighten it.

“The absolute bestest hugs ever and don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.” I said.

We had had this conversation multiple times.

“No I know I give the best hugs, I just wanted to hear you say it.” said Dan.

I could tell he was still grumpy but I managed to make his mood at least seem a little better. We let go of each other before it got too weird. Honestly I didn’t want to let go.

“Now when are you going to tell me what happened at Vidcon?” I asked taking a step back before I grabbed on to him again.

“The same time you tell me you’re moving in for good.” said Dan.

“Fine I’m never ever moving in.” I said sticking my tongue out.

“Then I guess I’ll never ever tell you about Vidcon.” I frowned dramatically crossing my arms and putting on a pout.

“No, no pouting in my room. Stick that lip back in and un-wrinkle that forehead of yours unless you was permanent wrinkles.” said Dan poking me in the forehead where I assumed the wrinkles were.

I couldn’t hold back the smile any longer. Dan smiled knowing he had gotten a smile out of me.

“I really do need to get some work done you know.” said Dan turning to his computer after a minute of standing there in silence.

“Okay but come and watch something with me and Phil later.” I said. The slight frown was back on Dan’s face. I really needed to know what was really bothering him.

“Okay maybe.” Said Dan.

I wasn’t content with the answer but I decided it was good enough. My need for caffeine was starting to make me shaky so I could no longer ignore my body’s want for coffee.

I went back to the kitchen and proceeded to make myself a cup. The house felt different now that they guys were back. It felt warmer and more like home. To be honest, it has felt like home since I decided to stay. Meaning since I fell asleep last night.

I took my coffee and retreated up to my room. It was probably going to be a while before the boys wanted to get up and do anything. I still remember after last year’s Vidcon.

Dan had just gotten back to London when I texted him and asked if he wanted to come over. He sent his bags with Phil and headed over to my flat. Dan looked exhausted when he walked through the door but declined my offer of coffee.

We sat on the couch for a while and he told me about all of the things that happened. He told me about all of his American friends and the parties and the fun that he had. I could tell by his smile that he loved meeting viewers and seeing his friends just from the way he talked.

He even told me about Phil’s obsession with American pancakes. This was when I made the mistake of telling Dan that I knew how to make them.

After our chat, I asked Dan if he wanted to watch a movie. He of course said yes. It wasn’t even five minutes into the movie when I heard deep breathing and looked over to find Dan fast asleep on the couch. He slept most the rest of the day and most of the night.

Once in my room I sat on the carpet and just drank my coffee, thinking. I thought about the dream last night but parts of it were now too fuzzy to recall. I just remember it was about Dan. I wonder what Dan meant when he asked what was going on with Phil and me. I mean Phil and I haven’t really been any different than normal except for the fact that he and I are closer than we were before I moved in.

Maybe that’s why he asked. I have been distancing myself from Dan and I’ve been getting closer to Phil. Does he think I’m replacing him with Phil? I really hope not. I need to spend more time with Dan but at the same time I don’t want to spend too much time with him. Well I guess I’ll have plenty of time now that I’m living with the guys. Let’s just hope I can handle it.