Untitled

The only reason I was watching this stupid movie was because he had brought it along.

My eyes strayed from the gruesome horror scene that flickered on the large TV and rested onto Anthony. My boyfriend of about 6 months, but the passion and love was still alive like a rampant flame in the night. He stared at the screen with a kind of intensity and a slight frown that seemed to dominate his face when he concentrated. He was gently stroking my outstretched leg with a kind of protectiveness as I continued to study him. His bright blue eyes seemed content to watch the blonde woman that scrambled around the study of her captors house. Ah, those eyes.
They had always captured me, those sea blue eyes. They were probably what attracted me to him. They seemed to invite you to dive under their cool surface, into the water as you tried to explore the depths. He absently brushed his brown fringe out of his face and glanced up at me before smiling.

“What are you doing?”

I smirked and swivelled, curling into the nook of his arm. “Nothing.”

“Were you in your dream world again?” He asked, stroking my dark brown hair.

“Yeah.” I muttered, closing my eyes and listening to his steady heartbeat.

“My, we are feeling intelligent tonight.” Anthony laughed.

I gave him a playful slap and mumbled, giggling.

“You still watching this?” I asked, motioning to the screen.

He shook his head, “Nah, too predictable.”

I lifted my head and looked up at him, “Oh yeah? What happens?”

“Blonde woman gets killed just as she thinks she’s out, but the guy will make it against all odds.”

I cocked my head, “How do you know that?”

He snuggled down next to me after turning the screams off. “My dear, no movie is original anymore.”

“My dear?” I asked, raising a questionable eyebrow.

“I’m trying to be sophisticated.” He murmured, kissing my neck.

I giggled and half-heartedly resisted him. “The day you become sophisticated will be the day you become a king.”

“But I am a king. I have you.” He smiled, wrapping me in his strong arms.

“Flattery was always one of your strong points...” I mumbled, letting the warm wave of security wash over me.

“It seemed to win you over, didn’t it?”

“After failed attempts.” I teased.

An electrical current ran through me as his soft lips connected with mine.

I broke it off before I felt his alluring and hypnotic affection control me. “Stop it...” I murmured, smiling.

“What?” He asked innocently, “This?”

He kissed me softly again. We broke apart. “Yes, that...” I giggled.

“Why?” He grinned, his eyes twinkling.

“Because I’m falling into this abyss, and I’m scared that I don’t know where I am.”

“I’ll catch you...” He whispered, bringing his lips to mine.

I put a finger up and stopped him. “I think it’s getting late.” I smirked.

He brought his arm up from around me and checked his watch. “How did it get so late?”

“Because I’m so adorable that time flew by?” I suggested.

His eyes found mine and he gave me a slow and passionate kiss. “Replace adorable with beautifully enchanting.”

When we finally broke apart, Anthony grabbed his coat and his keys before opening the front door. We stood at my door around 11 at night, him out in the unforgiving night’s air and me leaning against the wooden door frame. He grinned at me and gave me a peck on the cheek. “Goodnight sweet.”

“Goodnight Anthony.”

“You’re blushing like a teenager.” He remarked.

“I’m not that old! I’m still kind of a teenager...”

He laughed at that one, “Twenty-three is not a teenager.”

“Yeah, well you’re twenty-four. Grampa.”

“But I’m your grampa.”

I gave him a goodnight kiss before he headed to his car. The engine revved as he ripped down the street. I shook my head and closed the heavy door to an empty house.
Yes, I lived alone, but I wasn’t ready to make that step yet with Anthony. I was lucky that I lived in the suburbs; I would hate to live alone in an isolated house. I could support myself anyway. When my mum and dad died in a car crash I was only twenty. I didn’t want to be looked after and nurtured anymore, I felt like they would just be trying to take the place of my parents. So I found a comfortable and cosy house in a nice neighbourhood, paying for it with the money my parents had left me. I found a job on a late night radio station and I just started to do one off articles for music magazines.
All these thoughts rushed through my head as I trudged up the stairs and took a hot shower before I sank into my double bed. I curled up into a ball and let sleep take its merciful hold on me.

The next day went quickly as I prepared for my late night radio session. Anthony came round for lunch, brightening up my day. He dropped off some albums that he made me swear to listen and review. I reluctantly agreed. When it finally came for me to go to the radio station, Anthony gave me a lift to the brightly lit building in the middle of the city. We said our goodbyes and he waited as I made my way to the entrance. He gave me a wink before disappearing around the corner.
I sighed and entered, passing security before taking the elevator to the top floor. I greeted Tom, the presenter who took the previous session.

“Lonely night?” I asked.

“As always.” He smiled.

I shrugged, “At least you can go home now.”

“Can’t wait for a good glass of wine...” He sighed.

I checked my watch, “At 11:30?”

He winked, “Of course. Oh, and by the way, I uploaded some new music if you need some. Great kind of love/rock ballads. You’ll love it.”

I ran a night session that I dedicated to the addictive subject of love. What could I say? I loved love.

I thanked him and watched as he hurried out the door. I took the chair by the desk before dropping my faded bag to the floor. I put the bulky headphones on and waited for the song to finish. I turned to the controls and faded out the last couple of seconds. “Hey there, it’s Paige for the night shift. The next couple of hours will be smooth love songs and any advice that I can give to you troubled souls out there. Call me if you want a request or if you need some of my help. Its Paige here, enjoy.”

I cued up the next song and took the headphones off. I arranged a couple of the next songs and settled in for the long night. I answered a call from a couple who had just gotten married. “Can we please have-” She giggled, “Honey I’m on the phone... Can we please request Indelible by Brooke Fraser?”

“Nice choice!” I complimented, lining it up on the playlist.

“Danny said it reminds him of me...”

She thanked me before hanging up. I sighed and answered a couple more calls, all for requests. After a couple of songs, I went back onto live air.

“Hey guys, its Paige. Anybody need some lovely advice tonight? Call me.” I recited the stations phone number.

Near the end of the next song, a light blinked on my control panel. I answered it quickly, “Paige.”

“I need advice.” A muffled voice came.

It was weird, I didn’t get a lot of guys who wanted not to be identified. Usually they loved the feeling of being heard on national radio. I decided to respect his need for anonymity. “Is it appropriate for on-air?”

There was a moment of hesitation. “Sure.”

“Please hold on...”

As soon as the song ended, I connected his call to the live feed. “Here we have a caller with a need for some advice. Welcome caller.”

“Thanks.”

“What’s the problem?”

There was a long sigh before the muffled voice spoke. “I have a girlfriend and we’re really close, going out for quite awhile now.”

“Right...”

“But today, I found a picture of her and a guy in a fancy frame in her bedside drawer. I recognized him as...” There was a pause, “Her ex-boyfriend.”

They were brief and sketchy details, but I didn’t ask for more. “Okay, that seems to be quite something. Anybody willing to give this poor fella’ their help?”

Almost immediately another call came in. “Hello caller number 2...” I said, connecting it to the on-air feed.

“Sup. Hey, I think you need to talk to her. She loves you, right?”

“I hope so...” Came the voice.

“Then you deserve an explanation. I mean, a relationship isn’t a one-way thing. You don’t keep pictures of your ex’s lying around, right?”

“Yeah.”

“So I think you need some sort of reassurance. Love ain’t something that can be taken lightly, y’know?”

“Thank you caller 2.”

“My pleasure, love the show by the way.”

I smiled, “Thanks. Have a good night.”

“You too doll.”

I disconnected the call and went back to the original caller. “I agree she should respect you enough to give you an answer for her actions.”

“What if she doesn’t respect me though?”

I swivelled my chair and looked out over the busy city. “Love is stupid my friend and that is why it is blind. You need to take a leap of faith, a test of courage. You may make the leap, finding the answer you want on the other side. Or this girl may close down as you get wounded by her hostility. If that’s the case, then she isn’t for you. Do you know what I mean?”

There was a silence on the other end. “Yeah... Yeah, I do. Thanks a bunch, I’m going to take up your advice.”

“Good choice. Have a great night and good luck.”

“You too. See ya.”

I pressed a button as the guy hung up and introduced the next song. I leaned back in my chair and let the smooth song wash over me. I made a list of things I needed to do for tomorrow. I was meeting up for breakfast with my best friend since childhood, Stacey, and I needed to finish an article for a local music magazine. I also needed to review the albums that Anthony had gotten me and give him a full report of my findings. I smiled as the song ended, my heart fluttering.

“Hope you all liked that one out there. This is Paige, hoping to give you all a good night of easy listening. Stay tuned, prizes and more advice coming your way. Keep with me.”

I cued the next song and slumped, feeling the stiff back of the chair digging into my back. It was going to be a long night.

When I got home at 4:30 in the morning, I lay in my bed and felt sleep take me. It seemed like I had only blinked when I heard my alarm go off. It was already 10, and I needed to go see Stacey at 11. I moaned and broke free from the pull of my lush bed, hoping that a hot shower would fix things.
A quick wash and a couple of coffees later, I was ready to leave.
I grabbed my keys and jumped into the old jeep that I had bought offline. It may be rusting, but I refused to let go of it. I rode for about 5 minutes into the small town and found a nice spot near the cafe. I walked briskly to the small coffee shop, seeing Stacey almost immediately. She just radiated among the average looking crowd. When she spotted me coming in, a huge smile seemed to take over her face. The light continued to flow off from her as she kissed my cheek and exclaimed the usual greetings.
Stacey had been my friend since primary; she called me her partner-in-crime for various reasons. Maybe it was because of the time we snuck out to go to a late night party, or shamelessly set off a stink bomb in the cafeteria during lunch break. Oh how we were scolded that day, but it had been worth it looking back on it.
What had originally interested me in her was how she could always seem to make anything shitty look like a blessing. She had way of just turning anything into such a positive thing. Her wacky and in-the-moment personality had always drawn me to her. I think it was because she was like me, willing to do anything, anywhere. She was the one who dragged me to the club where I met Anthony.
She brushed her newly dyed black hair with red and blue streaks out of her hazel eyes. “So, how’s my hoe doing?” She asked loudly.

We giggled as disapproving looks were thrown our way. We ordered some coffees before chatting. “You’re late.” She said, as if stating it.

“By a few minutes!” I protested.

She eyed me, “Anthony wasn’t round, was he?”

I held my hands in a defensive gesture. “Cross my heart and hope to die. It was just a late night.”

“Another one of those 4:30 mornings again?”

I sighed, “Yeah, I mean I like it, but its draining.”

“You talk and people listen.” She smirked.

I poked out my tongue. The coffees arrived and the young waitress accomplished the task of setting them down without spilling a single drop. “Should be a sport.” Stacey whispered as the girl walked away.

“I fail at it.” I said, putting in some sugar.

“Me too.”

“Let’s fail together.”

“Paige, we’ve always failed together.”

“Oh god! Remember when we failed biology because we refused to dissect those frogs?”

We suddenly erupted in a fit of giggles. “And then Miss. Port glared at us because we gave her a lecture on animal cruelty?”

Another burst of laughter. When we finally calmed down we noticed that more people had decided to stare angrily at us. We ignored them and carried on with our reminiscing and catching up as we sipped our hot coffees.
“Anyone new this week?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

She seemed to have a new guy on her arm every week. “Nup, single this week!”

“For once!” I exclaimed.

She slapped my arm and sniggered with me. “At least we don’t have another Abe on our hands.” I whispered.

She threw her head back and rolled her eyes. “Whenever a guy raises his hand to me, I just hit right back.”

“That’s my Stacey.” I beamed.

At about 1:30 we parted ways, each having accomplished at brightening up each other’s day. I drove back home and pulled into the driveway. I noticed Anthony’s car parked subtly by my garage. I smiled and smoothly slid the jeep into the garage and made my way to the front door. I had given Anthony a key about 2 months ago so that he drop round when he wanted. I opened the heavy door and immediately shouted, “Any burglars I should be aware of?”

Anthony came grinning through from the kitchen, crumbs around his mouth. “Oh, no burglars, but a food thief.”

He made his way over to me as I set my bag down, “It’s only because you have such good food!”

His arms snaked around my waist as I wiped the crumbs off his lips and kissed them. We broke apart and embraced each other. Anthony led me to the kitchen and to where his roll with ham was. He took another bite and moaned in approval. “Glad you like it.” I smiled, cleaning up the bench top. When he was done, we sat down in the lounge, cuddling up and talked for a while about random things. “How’s work?” He asked.

I smiled as I felt his chest rise and fall. “Good, just tiring.”

“Any guys calling up and confessing their love?”

“Oh lots. I meet up with them afterwards too.”

“Oh good, for a moment there I thought you would say that you blew them off.”

“You know I’m not that mean.”

He chuckled and kissed me again. “I love you.” He mumbled affectionately.

“What’s not to love?” I laughed.

He playfully slapped my arm. “I got to go do some dishes, come with me?” I asked, breaking free from his protective grip.

“Sure.” He said as he rose from the large couch.

I went to the sink and filled it with hop and soapy water before dropping day old dishes into the cleansing liquid. I began to scrub them with a rough sponge, splashing myself in the course of it. “Can I ask you something?” Anthony said from the bench stools behind me.

“Sure hon.”

“Do you love me?”

I stopped and placed the glass into the sink before turning to him. His face was a perfect mask of seriousness. “Of course, you know that.”

He glanced down at his hands, which were nervously fiddling. “Then... Then...”

I had bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. “What’s wrong?”

He sighed, as if finally deciding to take the plunge. “Then... What’s a picture of your ex doing in your bedside table?”

His eyes connected with mine, as if gauging for a reaction. I felt the blood roar in my ears as my heart beat faster. “You’re the caller.” I stated, not really for his benefit, but mine.

“Can you just answer the question?” He said, as if becoming more confident now that he was on a roll.

I felt my grip tighten on the sponge. Before I could say anything, Anthony started up again. “Don’t I deserve that courtesy? That respect?”

“You cocky bastard.” I seethed, angry that he had rummaged around in my things.

“Can you just answer the question?” He repeated, as if in a calm trance.

“Get out of my house.”

His face showed a touch of surprise. “What?”

“You heard me. Out.”

I somehow managed to control my rage, panic and insecurity. “Paige, just talk to-“

“Get out of my fucking house. Now.” I said, my voice rising.

“What-“

“I told you to get out!” I shouted, throwing down the sponge and pointing to the front door.

A flicker of confusion at this outburst danced across his eyes. He got up and backed up to the entrance as I stormed through and threw open the door. He grabbed his jacket and slowly exited the house. As he turned to say something to me again, I slammed the door in an over reactive fashion.
He yelled something at me, but I didn’t hear. All I heard was the pumping in my ears. The blood and adrenaline rushing through my body.
I leaned against the door as Anthony’s footsteps led away from the house and as the engine of his car revved. I didn’t hear him pull away because of the wrenching sobs that overtook my body. Tears blurred my eyes as I slid down the door, crouching against it as if trying to hold a demon from getting inside the house. In a way, I kind of was.
I had tried so hard to forget, but no matter how hard I tried to shut the lid of the box, some guilt held it open. I needed to hurt. I needed to feel the pain. I needed the scars to stay fresh.
I stayed in an emotional wreck by the door as an hour passed. It was only then that a faint tap came from the wooden frame of the door.

“Go away!” I said loudly, hoping that the person would get the message and leave.

“Honey?” I heard a familiar voice ask, “Are you okay?”

I scrambled to my feet and unlocked the door before opening it a crack. “Go away.” I whispered.

Stacey’s face was contorted in surprise as she saw me in my chaotic state. “Paige!” She exclaimed, rushing in the door and throwing her arms around my neck.

I sobbed and wrapped myself around her, hoping to absorb some of her strength. “Kitchen, now.” She smiled, leading me.

I stumbled over, tears still running down my face before finding a seat on a stool. She rummaged through my cupboards before picking up some chocolate, breaking it up and putting it on a plate. She set it down and sat next to me. “Anthony called you huh?” I mumbled.

Stacey nodded. “Why does it have to happen now? Just when things were going fine?”

“Life is mysterious.” She sighed.

“How the fuck am I gonna explain to him?” I whined.

She smiled, “Just tell him the truth.”

She stood up and left the room. When she returned, she placed the phone in front of me and put a hand on my shoulder with almost maternal warmth. “Don’t lose him.”

I heard her leave the room and open the front door. Her heels clicked on the wooden porch before she got in her car and drove off. Some people may have found this cruel, to just leave me in my depressed state, but I had never known someone so in time with my mood swings. She understood what I needed. I wiped my tears and looked at the menacing phone. I sat there for a few minutes, glaring at it as if hoping it would curl up and die in front of me.

I picked it up and punched in the numbers before raising it to my ear. I heard the phone ring a couple of times before his voice came onto the line. My heart stopped beating, I was in shock. “Hello? Who is it?”

“It’s me.” I whispered.

“Paige? Are you-“

“Yeah I’m fine. You free?”

“I’m so sor-“

“Don’t. Just come round.”

“I’ll be there in five.”

“Thanks.”

I hung up and resisted the urge to call back and tell him to stay away. To stay away from me. My problems. My heartaches. My suffering. To stay away from my life. But I forced my hand to stay where it was until he came.
I heard the car roar into the driveway and I smiled, almost in amusement. Anthony’s footsteps became louder before finally there was a knock at the door. I froze for a moment before slowly getting up and walking to the front door. When the large wooden door opened, I put a hand, forcing a silence between us. Anthony’s fear and confusion showed on his face, and I was relieved that I wasn’t the only one who was petrified right now.

“Living room.” I said softly, making my way to the large area.

I heard him follow me and I sat down in one of the large armchairs. Anthony lowered himself into the plush couch that was the centrepiece in front of the TV.

“Let me say one thing,” My eyes found his, “Don’t interrupt me. Don’t ask questions until the end. Because if you do stop me, I’m scared I may not be able to finish.”

I paused and looked up at him. He nodded before leaning forward, giving me his full attention. I repeated a silent prayer, hoping that he wouldn’t hate me after this visit.

“His name was Mark.” I stated, beginning my tale, “We met at a camp that my parents forced me to go to. One of those crappy summer ones. I was 16 at the time, young and terribly naive. I was all alone when the camp began, little old me being timid in the corner. He, Mark, came over to me and started chatting to me casually, as if I was one of his oldest friends. Soon we became best friends. And after the camp we kept meeting up, having fun, that sort of thing. And one day, we became more than that.
I had started to like him slowly, and I was terrified our friendship was in jeopardy. He became distant, not meeting up with me so much and such. Then one day he told me why, because he liked me too. He was a year older than me and I was so new at boyfriend stuff. So we started to date, he was sweet, curious, funny and charming. I was really attracted to him.”

I could see Anthony’s knuckles going white as I spoke, I sensed a wave of guilt but still felt oddly protected. I knew that some of this stuff wasn’t that important to say, but it felt good to let it all out.

“I should’ve seen it coming, but I was blindly in love. How could I’ve known? So one night, we were out in town, just messing around when I saw a flash of it. Not a long stare, but quick enough for alarm bells to ring in my head.”

I closed my eyes as the horrible image flashed in my mind.

“I gently clasped his hand in mine, and then turned them around. I raised the sleeve of his shirt and cringed. Old scars were visible, and his original smooth skin was now scratchy. It was as if someone had carved into his flesh with a vengeance. He told me that it was only once, that he wouldn’t do it again. How was I supposed to know? So I believed him. Spun a lie to myself that he was going through a rough patch, it would get better.”

I could feel the tears welling up.

“It didn’t get better. It got a lot, lot worse. He distanced himself from me and stopped returning phone calls. Our evenings out became less frequent, and his outspoken nature became a thing of the past. One night, I told him I would cook for him. A romantic dinner, just the two of us. He agreed, and I could see his hopes lifting.
That night I had work, and since I was just starting at the radio, I had to really prove myself. Luckily it wasn’t that late, but I had to quickly finish up some promotion. When I left the station, I was already half an hour late. I rushed over to his place, hoping to make it up to him with a nice tasty meal. When I looked up at the house, I knew something was wrong. I still cannot tell you exactly what it was, but something just clicked in my mind, and even before I got out of the car my heart was racing.”

I felt the familiar rush of blood pump through me. Anthony sat there, unmoving as I told my tale.

“I walked briskly to the front door, the cold night’s air running through my hair. I found the door open, I pushed it open softly. The voice in my head kept telling me to turn back, and with each step it seemed to grow more frantic until it was screaming. I put my coat and bag down, calling out to Mark. I heard no answer. There was dim lighting, and rose petals were scattered around the floor. But I knew, oh yes, I knew that it wasn’t what it looked like. I couldn’t find him downstairs, so I proceeded to the second floor.”

The tears were silently streaming down my face now. I remembered the haunting silence as I took each step. The dusty smell as I rose higher. The adrenaline pumping through my already exhausted body. The fear.

“I found his room, second to the right and found the door ajar. I opened it softly and I-“

An unexpected sob rose in my throat. Anthony leaned forward to comfort me but I shied away from his touch, not wanting pity. I leaned forward onto my knees, sobbing for a couple minutes. Anthony sat silent, and I could feel his pain as he watched me break down in front of him.

“And then... Then I saw it.”

I slowly brought my head up until my eyes connected with his, my misty eyes suddenly losing their fog, as if the answer was now there, emerging from the murkiness. Anthony’s face was frowning, filled with pain, sympathy, compassion and guilt. It broke my heart.

“I saw... I saw...” I dropped my voice to a whisper as my teary eyes held contact with his, “I saw his dangling body.”

Anthony’s face showed one single emotion. Horror.

“He had taken a rope from the garage and taken it up to his room.” I said, as if in a trance, finally breaking eye contact with him.

“Paige, you don’t have to-“

“He took the rope, made a loop and slide it around his throat.” I seethed, filled with emotion that had been bottled up for years.

“He then looked up at the dusty fan and wondered if it was strong enough. He stepped onto a chair and he tied it to the cool metal, wondering how it would feel. The life seeping away from him in choking gasps. The air thinning as his whole time on this earth came to a close. The final climax of the moment before he was gone. He wondered if life would go on the same. Would people notice? He thought no. A burial, a quick couple of words before he disappeared into the ground, never to be remembered again. Out of sight and out of mind.”

“Paige, what-“

“Don’t. Let me finish.” I said softly.

I took a deep breath and continued. “He wondered if he had made a difference. He looked at the drop, no less than a metre really. He took a step and dropped. It probably felt like a mile that drop. The rope tightened before grasping his throat, strangling it. There were claw marks on his neck from where he instinctively tried to stop it. But it didn’t stop. Not for an agonizing while. With each breath there was less air, until there was none. A couple seconds, that was all it took, before he was gone.
When I found him, I didn’t try denying what had happened. What I did was open up the floodgates and took in everything.
I ran into the room and tried lifting him, tried to encourage him to take a breath. The lifeless body’s lungs did not fill with oxygen. I saw a razor blade on his bedside table and snatched it up, dragging the edge on the old rope. After cutting away for over a minute, the body fell unmercifully to the floor.”

The tears had stopped; I had run out of them. There was silence for a couple of seconds.

“Paige, why-“

“He was still warm. When I touched him.”

I felt Anthony’s grip on my shoulder and I looked up sharply. “This isn’t your fault.”

A sour laugh escaped my mouth. “If I had been ten minutes earlier, then I could’ve saved him. Ten fucking minutes.”

“He had problems-“

“And I didn’t bother to make him get help. How could I’ve done that to him?”

“You didn’t do-“

“Don’t try to persuade me. I’ve lived with it so far. Mark thought he went down without having anyone remember him. I remember. I remember the night I found him. I remember the police. I remember the sobbing parents. I remember the counselling. I remember how-“

“Stop it right now, goddamnit!” Anthony snapped.

I looked at him with questioning eyes. He shuffled closer to me until I could feel his warm breath on my skin. “What he did to you, it runs deeper than anything he ever had to deal with. You should not seek his forgiveness, he should seek yours.”

Anthony raised his hand and pushed my hair out of my eyes. “Let me help you.”

A spark ignited as his hand brushed against my skin. I collapsed into his arms as he clasped me with a protective nature. I let it all out. Anthony rocked me back and forth as he stroked me hair. I cried on his shoulder, feeling so frightened of all these feelings. Rage because of what Mark did to me. Sorrow because of what had become of him. Guilt because of what he did to himself. Jealousy that I did not have a normal life.

But also joy, because in the whole world, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else than in Anthony’s arms.

That night, my old life ended


That night, my new life began.