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It was the first time I had gone here alone. Every time it was usually with Scarlet, but I knew I had to be by myself for this time.
As I drove up the winding road I could feel my mind wandering back to the times when we were inseparable. I remembered the party we went to a couple years ago where her boyfriend fell asleep, passed out drunk, and we shaved his eyebrows off. He never figured out who it was, even though he launched a full investigation to find the perpetrator. Just as a smile started to form on my lips, the hot rip of pain that shocked through my chest stopped it immediately with tears coming to my eyes. I felt the warm air outside as I rolled down the window, trying not to think about her. But it was impossible. Travelling here made me think of her, which pained me but I still felt the unnatural urge to have to go through with this trip. Yes, it was the first time I had gone here alone. And maybe the last.

I arrived in the evening while the sun was still just touching the horizon. It would give me enough time to tramp to the camping site and set up my tent. I switched off the engine and grabbed my bags. It was then that I saw the phone lying in the passenger’s seat and my mind skipped over the warnings I had received from other friends not to do this. I pushed it to the back of my mind and turned off the phone, throwing it with a vengeance into the backseat so it wouldn’t glare at me. Dread filled me; I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy journey.
I looked at my bulky backpack with a sigh. I picked it up and slung it over my shoulder before carefully securing the straps around my waist. I stepped out of the car and locked the doors before turning to the sight from the mountain top. The view was spectacular, stunning with the red sky and setting sun that bordered the horizon. A vast forest covered the rocky land in front of me with a large river cutting through the forest with ease, sparkling under the sun. It was a place that nobody knew about. Nobody but me Scarlet and a few other close friends we had told. It was our place.

It took me an hour to hike through the forest to find the spot that Scarlet and I had spent our past summers at. The suns last rays were peeking over the mountain top, signalling that I had less than an hour to prepare camp. I emerged from the trees to find a flat piece of land, surrounded by long grass. I could hear the river in the distance and I knew I had reached my destination. It was an open piece on the forest edge and near the river, an ideal camping ground. It was untouched by man, nobody around for miles. I smiled, thinking of the isolation that somehow felt cleansing. The bulky bag I had brought with me was aching on my shoulders, and I thankfully took it off, trying to rub away the soreness.
It took me a while to set up the tent; it was harder with just one person. I managed it just as the sun set in the sky, leaving me in darkness. The warm summer air left as the cool night took over. I liked the night, especially out here in the wilderness. Nobody would realise I was gone, I had told nobody. It was a tradition for me and Scarlet to come here every summer, we had only said we were camping and no other information was given out. I had simply walked out yesterday, asking for leave from the local newspaper I worked for. I smiled. It was like I had just walked off the face of the planet.
I got an apple from my backpack, not bothering to cook the sausages I had taken tonight. I lay in the grass, looking at the cloudless sky and admiring the endless stars that appeared when there was no light. It was a totally different feeling being alone, lonely yet comforting. I slept soundly that night.

The next day I went about the usual activities that came with camping. I went hunting for branches to use for my fire later tonight. I checked out the river and found that its calm flow helped clear my mind. It was just like I remembered it, which was comforting yet unsettling. I made sure my tent was secured properly, as I had done a rough job of it yesterday evening. It was then that I heard my name being called out. At first I thought I was imagining it, hallucinating or insanity. But then it became clearer, a rough male voice shouting for me over and over again.

“Ebony!”

It seemed to be coming from the forest. I turned away from making my fire and squinted through the trees. I heard it again, clearer now.

“Ebony!”

I stood up and brushed myself off, taking a hesitant step towards where the voice was coming from. I was still trying to see if I was going insane from being alone. There was a pause before it came again, this time louder.

“Ebony!”

I considered getting the knife from my bag, trying to remember the correct way to disarm any intruder. But then I remembered that this man knew me name. It took a second for all this to rush through my mind before I reacted. I took a few unsure steps towards the sound.
It was then that I saw the rustling of trees in the distance. It was then that I steadily jogged towards whoever was trying to find me. The voice became clearer with every step as it called out to me between frustrated sighs. I pushed back a large branch before seeing the face of my seeker.

“Ebony?” He asked, as if not believing his eyes.

“Dominic?”

Dominic smiled his cheeky smirk, lighting up his face. That was always what got me, how he seemed so devious. His hazel eyes always twinkled when he was happy; it was something I was always on the lookout for. I saw a small scrape on his jaw with dry blood, and I reached out tentatively. He seemed to notice what I was looking at and he cringed a little bit.

“I’m not really outdoorsy.” He laughed.

“I can see that...” I replied, frowning.

Dominic was a friend I had picked up in high school during my junior years. I was in the back corner seat, trying not to make myself noticeable when he sat down beside me and started chatting to me. We had been friends ever since. But in the last couple of months we had drifted apart, for various reasons. Seeing him here made me unbelievable happy, yet annoyed that he had crashed my solitary trip. He had probably planned it that way.

“Are you going to take me to camp?” He hinted, breaking me out of my daydream.

I considered this, thinking for a moment. “No, I want to camp alone. Maybe next summer?”

He gave me a stern look. “I don’t want to leave you alone after...”

He trailed off, raising his eyebrows. I glared at him. “After what?”

“Do I have to spell it out?” He sighed.

“Piece of advice Dominic. Go back and drive home.”

“Ouch. That stung.” He rolled his eyes.

I resisted the urge to punch him. “Dom. I’m serious. I will not have you camping with me.”

“That’s okay! I came prepared with all my own gear!” He beamed, motioning to the bulky backpack.

“Stop trying to be a smartass. I will not be responsible for you. Now go home.”

“I know why you’re here and I want to make sure you don’t do anything stupid. I know you and her did this every summer, so I’m going to look after you for the time you’re alone.”

I appreciated that he didn’t use her name.

“Read my lips. Go. Home.” I seethed.

“It’s not like repeating it will make me go. I’m not Lassie.”

“Ha fucking ha. You are so funny.”

Dominic raised an eyebrow. “Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of the tent.”

“Dom. You said it yourself; you’re not the outdoorsy type. Wild wolves roam this area; I’ve very often come in contact with one pack in particular. Especially since mother wolves are currently raising young, they will be very protective of their pack. I will not be responsible for you. So go home.”

There was a moment of silence as I continued glaring. All Dominic did was cross his arms. I let out a frustrated groan before turning on my heel and heading back to camp. Urges came over me, urges to punch the person behind me. I fought them desperately, barely succeeding.

It had been a couple hours since Dominic had arrived, and I had not said a word while Dom set up his tent a couple meters from mine, much to my discontent. I sat in my tent, trying to work a way around his constant supervision. I had wanted to try track down the wolf pack I had often seen many summers before. Sometimes they would even approach me; it was scary yet enchanting seeing their curiosity in me. Scarlet had been too scared to ever come with me.
I got up and stepped out of my tent, stretching all my muscles. I saw Dom sitting in the grass, setting up a fire as his eyes flickered up at me. I ignored him and put on my tramping boots and packing water and some food.

“Where are you going?” Dom asked, breaking our silence.

“Letting you camp with me is a stretch, but I will not have you constantly supervise me.” I told him, impressed that my voice hadn’t wavered with pure anger.

“Ebony...” He sighed.

I snapped my head towards him and shot him an infuriated glare. “Do not push me.”

He studied me for a moment before turning back to the fire. “When will you be back?”

I continued packing. “When I feel like it.”

I slung the backpack over my shoulder and headed away from the camp, hoping for some space from my unwelcome visitor.

It was only an hour into my tramp when I started seeing signs of the wolf pack; it was the smell of rancid flesh that had alerted me. I knew these woods like the back of my hand, and I knew this was in the Wolf pack hunting range. Behind a large tree lay the carcass of a large deer. I kept my distance, I wasn’t too eager to get near it, but the idea that the wolves were near excited me. Bears weren’t found here, so I knew that the only predator would be my wolf pack. I smiled, continuing on my journey.

As disgusting as it sounded, I felt a pang of excitement when I spotted some wolf droppings. I squinted and looked at the mountains ahead, trying to search for something that they might be heading towards. I could see no significant feature that could quench any of the wolves’ prime needs. It was then that I saw the sun lowering into the horizon. I considered heading onwards, as the draw of the pack seemed to pull me away from the camp, but I knew that it wasn’t safe. With a reluctant sigh, I turned around and started to backtrack, heading towards camp.

Night was just starting to take over the sky when I saw the distant glow of a campfire. The crackles of the fire became louder as I approached while scanning the immediate surroundings for Dominic. I saw his slumped shape leaning against a log while he warmed himself by the fire. He immediately sat upright as he heard me approaching the camp; I didn’t really care what he did, as long as he stayed out of my way. I could see Dominic open his mouth to speak.

“Wha-“

“Shut.” I snapped, flipping him off as I opened up my tent and took off my backpack.

He sat in silence as I finished changing and getting ready for bed. It was only when I came out of the tent to sit by the fire that he spoke.

“Where were you?”

I remained silent, watching the flickering flames.

“I know you don’t want me here-“

“Damn straight.”

He continued as if I hadn’t interrupted, “But I’m doing this for your own good.”

I shot him an icy look. “No, you’re not. You’re doing this to think that maybe you can make up for what happened. Well guess what, it wasn’t your fault. You don’t have to deal with it.”

“But it wasn’t your fault either.” He shot back, gauging my reaction.

“Fuck off. You don’t know shit about what happened.”

“I know the pain can rip-“

I flew to my feet and in three quick strides I was towering over him. “Don’t you ever think you can compare our pain. You have no fucking idea what I’ve had to deal with.”

Anger flashed across his eyes and he too scrambled to his feet to make it a fairer fight. “And I haven’t dealt with any pain? Ebony, you can be so selfish sometimes.”

I took a surprised step backwards, stunned. Dominic immediately knew that he had pushed me too far, stepped over the line as soon as the words were out of his mouth. I fought the temptation to punch the man in front of me.

“Ebony, I’m so sorry.”

I stood in silence, at a loss for words.

“I didn’t mean-“

The anger flooded back in one rushing wave. “Fuck off.”

“Eb-“

“Fuck off!” I roared, “You don’t know shit about me!”

“I know that some-“ He tried weakly.

“So you know how I felt when she was sitting right beside me, slowing dying? And I could do nothing but sit there, watching helplessly? Do you know how many therapists and counsellors I’ve had to see, only to find out that nothing has worked? Fuck you Dominic. Thanks for fucking coming.”

I was about ready to break, letting my rage take over my body, but I wrestled to gain control and quickly headed to my tent. I violently opened up my sleeping bag and wiggled in, fuming. I could hear my heartbeat loudly and I tried to calm myself enough to let sleep taken over my body. I could hear rustling outside as Dom got ready for bed. I closed my eyes and tried to erase the last few minutes from my mind. I couldn’t.

I slept lightly and woke up early the next morning. While I was getting ready to go out, I tried to keep my mind of Dominic because I knew that as soon as I thought of him and what he said, my temper would flare up again. I opened my tent and stepped into the cold morning air. The sun was just peeking over the mountains, casting a pink slur over the sky. I marvelled at the colours for a moment, letting their beauty envelope my mind. It was then that I heard Dom’s tent rustling, signalling his awakening. I hastily picked up my backpack and gathered the appropriate gear. I then turned into the direction that I had travelled the other day, and sprinted into the wilderness while ignoring the calls of Dominic behind me.

I kept running until the burn in my chest became too much for me to carry on. I stopped, feeling my pounding heart surge in my chest. I grabbed a water bottle and took a couple gulps before continuing on. Time passed quickly as I felt the world moving underneath me, it was nice to walk without knowing what I would find at the end of my journey. I hoped that the wolf pack would be around; I wanted to see if there were new pups. Hours passed by without my knowledge, time did not have place out here in these wild parts, time was literally lost. I didn’t know how long I had been walking; I estimated that it was midday as the sun was directly overhead. It was then that I heard a long wolf howl pierce the calm day. I froze in my tracks and closed my eyes, trying to pinpoint the beautiful cry. It seemed quite near, maybe about a mile to my left. I hoped that I wouldn’t be wrong as I briskly started walking, hoping to find some trace of my beloved pack.

I resisted the urge to start running, knowing that announcing my arrival would immediately send the pack scattering and disappearing into the forest. Branches whipped my legs and I brushed foliage out of my way as I continued on. I stopped when I heard small yelps ahead, my heart started to beat wildly. I stopped myself sprinting and checked the wind, you always have to be downwind to make sure that the animal doesn’t smell you, and wolves had an incredible sense of smell. I adjusted my position and circled around from where I heard the small sounds before I took cautious steps forwards. The noises became louder, little growls and barks that were too high pitched to be from an adult. I saw small rustles and flashes of colour ahead of me, and I stepped behind a large bush before parting the branches softly so I could see through them.

What I saw stopped my pounding heart. Five pups were in a small clearing, tumbling over each other and letting little growls rumble in their throats. Three of the pups were grey, a standard colour for a young wolf pup. However, one of them was white as snow while the other had a coat as dark as night. I looked at the differences, wondering if they were related. Just then, a sleek wolf trotted into view and lazily nudged the pups. They all began to bite and pull the newcomer. I smiled; it was Athena, the wolf pack leader. Her muzzle had numerous scars from the battles she had to fight to gain her position, many of them I had been able to witness, in awe. She was one foe who did not give up easily.

There was a small movement in the corner of my eye that caught my attention. I squinted, trying to figure out what the strange glint had come from. Suddenly a shocking realization nearly made my legs give way underneath me, it took all my strength not to make a sound. Dominic was striding into the clearing, obviously oblivious to the family in front of me, and about to go up against the wildest wolf I knew. Confusion and anger flickered inside of me, but I shoved the emotions away as I tried to think of a solution to avoid the disaster that was about to unfold. I came up with nothing, knowing how wild wolves reacted erratically, aggressively and unpredictably. I knew there was only precious seconds left, and I suddenly acted on instinct. I stood up from my hiding place.

“Stop.” I said loudly and firmly, hoping that Dominic would heed my warning.

I could hear Dominic stop as he saw me, then duck when he saw the wolves in front of me. When I looked back at the wild animals the five pups had retreated behind their mother, and Athena was now looking at me with frenzied eyes while her lips was slightly curled, revealing her lethal teeth. I moved out from behind my hiding place, trying to move slowly and calmly as to not alarm her. I then stood a couple metres in front of her, before dropping down onto on my knees. I put my head down, looking down at the grass in front of me. To submit to a wolf, I knew I had to avoid eye contact and make myself smaller than the pack leader. It was then that something unexpected happened. Instead of moving away, Athena started moving closer. I heard her paws as she walked cautiously towards me, and I shrunk down in reaction to her. Suddenly she was in arms length, but I dared not to look at her, afraid of her reaction.

My mind was racing, why was Athena doing this? She snapped me out my thoughts as she took one more step, until she was directly in front of me. Awe and fear rushed through me as I felt her presence. Dominant and confident. I was still looking down, trying to do anything to avoid harm. Athena then proceeded to lightly place her head on my shoulder in a gentle manner, as if she was trying not to scare me. Time stopped as I sat there in wonder as the wolf I had admired for years was resting her head on my shoulder. Then, without warning, she turned around and loped into the trees with her cubs, disappearing from sight.

I took a couple of moments to recover from my encounter, reminding myself to breath while I was sitting there. What had just happened was something that I could never have hoped for, not in my entire life did I think that a wolf so powerful would acknowledge me. A rustle to the right of me snapped me out of my delirious thoughts. Dominic appeared next to me in an instant, as if he had rushed over.

“Are you okay?” He gasped.

I stood up and brushed the loose leaves off from my shorts before motioning Dom to follow me.

“But Eb-“

I cut him off with a sharp wave of my hand as I kept walking. He followed me in silence, but kept an inquisitive eye on me. After a couple of minutes of silent trekking it seemed that Dominic could no longer stand the tense atmosphere that surrounded us. Before he got to say a word I turned around and with a swift flick of my wrist, slapped him. The resonating sound of my hand on his cheek was the only thing I could hear for a good couple of seconds. He lifted his hand and covered his cheek, which was quickly turning red.

“I... I deserved that.” He finally managed to say.

“Bloody right you deserved that!” I hissed, enraged by what he had done.

“I just had to make sure you weren’t doing anything dangerous!”

“Well you did that quite well, walking straight into Athena’s puppies!” I yelled.

“Who’s Athena?”

“Only the wolf pack leader, the most powerful and strongest wolf I have ever laid eyes on.” I softly said, still wondering at my encounter.

“You sound like you worship her.” He scoffed.

Something in me snapped as soon as I heard those words pass his lips.

“How dare you. Who the fuck do you think you are? You come and intrude on my camping trip, fucking insult me and then belittle me. Yes, I do fucking worship her because she stands as a symbol of survival. Do you even know what she’s been through? She’s lost many puppies, many pack members and nearly lost her life more than I can count. And that’s only when I’ve been around! She’s endured so much more shit than me, yet she’s stronger. So how dare you fucking come in here and think you can diagnose my problems. You know what Dom? Fuck you.”

I turned quickly and stomped off, heading towards camp.

“Hey, look, Ebony.” I felt his hand on my shoulder.

I spun around and hit his hand off me. “Don’t touch me.”

I started off again, trying to focus on something other than the thoughts that were flying through me head.

“It wasn’t your fault.” He called out.

I stopped dead in my tracks before turning to him. It took five paces for me to reach where he was, and I could see he was expecting my reaction.

“Anything else you want to analyze about me doctor?” I spat out.

His eyes grew softer, as if trying to make me understand. “You weren’t driving. It wasn’t your fault. She was at the wheel, not you.”

Just hearing those words was too much information, but it brought it all crashing back.
Me and Scarlet in her big jeep, coming back from our camping trip. Her in the driver’s seat, me next to her in the passenger. Laughing together at how I had lost my shoe on the trip. Looking up to see the truck long enough to realize what was happening. The impact, the bone shattering crunch as two metallic vehicles collided. Glass scattering everywhere, raining on me. Rolling as the seat belt restrained me. Not knowing which was up as I feared for my life. And finally, staying conscious for long enough to see my only best friend die.
A single silent tear rolled down my cheek.

“She inched her way into the other lane. It wasn’t your fault.”

“Yes it is! I could’ve noticed it and stopped this whole thing from happening!”

“What do you mean ‘could’ve’? I could sit here all day coming up with ‘maybe’ and ‘what if’ but I’ve managed to deal with my pain and move on.”

“And I haven’t?” I viciously accused.

“No!” Dom exploded, “I’ve seen the tortured look in your eyes since her death a year ago. I tried to stand by you at first, but you just seemed to curl up and reject any form of help. When I heard you’d taken leave from work, I needed to come make sure you weren’t going to do some dark memorial service or something. I know I’ve been a weak source of support, but I will not abandon you again. I’m here Ebony, and I’m ready to help.”

“You think that just telling me you want to help will make everything okay?” I yelled.

“You’re just using your anger to cover your insecurities.” He offered.

“And you’re using me to ease your guilt.” I shot back.

“At least I’m dealing with my guilt! Goddamnit! I don’t know what to do with you anymore!”

“Just leave me the fuck alone.” I seethed, walking away from him.

I felt a strong arm wrap around my waist and another across my chest, pulling me to a warm body. My hands shot out and I tried to push Dom away. I wouldn’t admit to myself that I desired these arms; it would be almost like a betrayal. I continued my blows hoping that this longing in me would disappear as soon as the arms did. They stood for what I had been resisting for so long, what I had punished myself with by distancing myself. I stopped fighting and melted into his embrace as I fell to the floor with him. The intimacy of his body pressed against mine reminded me of what I once had with another man, yet I did not feel the romantic pull of his touch, just the desperation of a friend that didn’t know what to do.

“Please don’t punish yourself.” Dom whispered tenderly into my ear, his voice breaking.

I felt wet tears on my back that mirrored the own running down my cheeks. I turned around awkwardly in his embrace and threw my arms around him, savouring his touch. He rocked me softly as I cried on his shoulder.

“I miss her so much.” I sobbed.

“I know honey, its okay. I’m here now.” Dom squeezed me tightly, pulling me closer to him.

We sat there, together. Suddenly the whole world shifted...

... And I forgave myself.