Weight of Living

Why has his lungs given up? Why is there no air? Where has it gone?

These were the questions that Alex asks himself as he stumbles into a wall, sliding ungracefully down it to sit on the pavement that’s questionable clean. He knows that it’s a panic attack, and that it will pass. But right now he can’t fucking breathe and dear God, he’s going to die.

He can feel his hands sweating as he clasps them behind his neck in a shaky attempt at calming himself the fuck down. It doesn’t work. He already knew that would happen. It doesn’t stop his heart from racing as though he’s ran a race in the past minute.

A few minutes later, Alex surfaces from his confused thoughts, which were bouncing from needing to get back to his house to the cold hard fact of his boyfriend had cheated on him. Like Alex isn’t good enough.

Alex wants – wants – to call Jack, and tell him what’s happened, but he isn’t sure if he could live through it again. He dislikes how helpless he feels, but he can’t help it. He isn’t good enough for his (now ex) boyfriend; why should Jack have to put up with his constant panic attacks?

He pushes himself up off the pavement, ignoring the people who were staring at him, and begins the short walk back to his house. Whether they recognised him from the band or not, it is humiliating to have a panic attack in front of people. The only person who Alex can deal with seeing his panic attacks is Jack.

Jack is Alex’s rock – sometimes literally – and there’s nothing Alex would like more than have Jack as his boyfriend. As he turns down his street, Alex feels sure that Jack would treat him how he wanted to be treated.

He should ask his best friend.



The next day, Alex goes to Jack’s apartment and rings the doorbell. After a minute, the intercom crackles to life.

“Hello? Who’s there?”

Alex is nervous, but he smiles anyway, saying, “Jack, it’s me. Let me up.”

“Sure thing Alex.”

The door buzzes open, and Alex opens it, going straight to the elevator and pressing the ‘up’ button. He waits patiently for the elevator to come down to the lobby, and while it does, he thinks about what he’s here to do. He’s here to ask his best friend out on a date, and if that’s a success, he’ll ask Jack to be his boyfriend. Simple really.

Alex firmly ignores the voice in the back of his head telling him that this is a bad idea.

The elevator arrives, the metal doors sliding open, and Alex steps inside, pressing the button for the fifth floor as he does so. It takes a few moments to start and then the elevator is off, taking Alex where he wants to go. A couple of minutes later, Alex is stepping out of the elevator on Jack’s floor.

When he knocks on Jack’s apartment door, it swings open almost immediately to reveal Jack, who’s wearing checked pyjamas pants and an old Nirvana t-shirt.

“Hey.” Alex says, smiling.

“Alex, come in dude,” Jack replies, stepping to the side to let Alex past the doorway, “Why you here?”

“I want to ask you something.” Alex says as he toes his shoes off without undoing the laces.

“And what’s that?” Jack raises his eyebrows.

He gulps, remembers that nothing can possibly go wrong (lies), and asks, “Jack, will go out with me?”

Jack stares at Alex, his mouth wide open and his brown eyes almost coming out of their sockets. After a few moments, Alex’s best friend regains the power of speech.

“A-Alex, what brought this on?”

Alex shrugs, “Nothing much. I feel like it’s time to move on from my ex now. We had a good time together, but I want you now.”

“Ok, wow. Um…”

“Please say yes to one date.” Alex says. He’s not begging though, he’s merely…influencing Jack’s decision.

“Ok. One date.”

“Cool!” Alex smiles widely, “I’ll call you later yeah?”

“Sure.”

With that, Alex spins around and begins to walk out of Jack’s apartment, shoving his shoes on and calling out “Bye Jack!” as he exits through the door.



“So, this is a…date?”

Alex laughs quietly before taking a sip of his drink. Jack sounds so hesitant to call it a ‘date’, and all Alex knows is that it is a date. He can feel it in his bones.

He’s brought Jack to a little corner place that he found by accident a few years ago. Since then, Alex has been hooked on their Mongolian beef, chow mein, and egg rolls. His only regret is not discovering it earlier.

“Yeah Jack,” Alex replies, spearing a forkful of the chow mein and popping it in his mouth, “It is.”

“Ok then.” Jack says, “But I still don’t understand why you moved from your ex to me so quickly.”

Alex shrugs, “We’re going on tour tomorrow, and I figure, who better to have a relationship with than my best friend?”

“Seriously?”

Alex nods and then waves for the bill.