Miles Away

If Johns mother was there to see how he was staring off the edge of this building as though it were a simple diving board, she would surely be in tears. Just like the first time she found out her oldest son was struggling, if you will. He had assured her - assured everyone, really, that things had gotten better, that his mind was more than clear. He was happy now. He was living the time of his life, and he was grateful for every bit of it. So how could he have ended up here again?

Although he knew better than to actually give in to the self destructive thoughts (he’d written a whole song about it, after all), he found himself standing with the tips of his shoes just inches away from walking off the edge.

John ran a trembling hand through his unwashed hair and let out a shaky breath. He let his eyes slip closed as he counted out ten long breaths, and ten steps away from the edge of the building. He shook his head at himself, pulling out a pack of cigarettes from his back pocket and shoved one into his mouth.

He collapsed on the concrete building top, elbows resting on raised knees as he lit his cigarette.

He hadn’t slept in days, it was made obvious by the red circling his eyes and he found himself wondering how things were worse this time around. He had made so much progress, none of it made fucking sense. He almost hated himself more for it. He took a long puff of his cigarette as he watched the sunrise.

Maybe he was doing worse now because of the whole mess with Audrey a couple months back. He was never one to put happiness in a single person, but Audrey was full of life. She was so light hearted and so opposite from him. He admitted, he missed her.

John had never been good with girls, anyone who knew him knew that. Which is why it wasn’t a shock to anyone when he had decided to call it off with Audrey, waving his hand saying ‘it just won’t work out’. They never thought anything of it. They never thought it was a direct response in dealing with his issues. It’s just what he always did. Audrey had been different though, he had never felt so consumed by a girl before - and that was exactly the problem.

That, and John hadn’t been doing so well. His mind had become a dark place again and he couldn’t have Audrey right now. It wouldn’t be fair to her. When John was in this mindset, he needed to take time to figure things out but he had finally thought he was stable again and it killed him when the demons he had fought off seemed to resurrect and set up camp at the front of his brain.

He took another deep breath and closed his eyes.

If he concentrated, he could still remember the way her lipstick looked when it was wrapped around the butt end of a borrowed cigarette (she had never bought her own). He still remembered the way her fingers shook after she drank coffee, how they trembled through her hair when she combed it back from her face. He even remembered the way her hipbones felt when she lay across him. Images of her flashed through his mind and he began to think that maybe she was the missing piece. He had let her go because he had given up but she had so much life in her. He knew it was his fault she wasn’t with him now, he knew he had hurt her (which was something because Audrey wasn’t heartbroken easily). But maybe she could forgive him. Maybe she could breathe some of her life into him and he could start to feel whole again.

Maybe he just needed to get away. Maybe he just needed to have her again.