Cleave

I went to school a week after it started back after the Christmas break. My family “generously” let me take the week that everyone else went back to school to settle in at my Aunt’s house. I hated that, because it meant that I was pretty much under constant supervision and I couldn’t even think about leaving the house without getting the third degree. I was also the recipient of a number of lectures about homosexuality being a sin and disgusting and how I should be ashamed of myself, so lucky me!

Things got a little better when I went to school. It was a public school, because the only Christian school in the area (which is the one my cousins used to go to) is a private one and would have cost a fortune to send me to it. It was at school that I met Mason, Alex and Kyle.

I met Alex first. She was assigned to show me around, and I was glad, because she was actually really cool. The only people I had spoken to before her in this stupid town were the office manager at the school, my Aunt, Uncle and my two cousins, Hallie and Jeremy, and they’re all annoyingly straight-laced and religious – well, I don’t know about the office manager, but my Aunt and Uncle are even more religious than my parents. Hallie and Jeremy are okay, but we’re definitely not close cousins.

Anyway, Alex was pretty much the opposite. With her piercings, two tone hair and badass attitude, she really reminded me, with a pang, of Angel and his friends back at my old school.

The first thing she said to me once we left the office was, “Ya know I’m not actually gonna show ya ‘round, right? I only turned up ta get ya cause I was forced to. You can hang round me if ya want and maybe you’ll find your classes eventually or you can try an’ find your way on ya own.” She chuckled as she started to walk down an empty hallway; classes had already started for the day. I didn’t want to be left alone, so I fell into step with her.

Alex’s accent was strange; I couldn’t quite put my finger on where it was from. She pulled a cigarette out of a pack that she had in her pocket and lit it and looked at me as she took a drag. “Why’d ya start at such a weird time of year?” she said, exhaling the smoke. I watched it disappear, wondering if anyone would care that she was smoking inside of a school building.

“Um, I got sent away and they let me have a week to settle in to the new place before I started,” I answered.
“Whatcha do?” she asked curiously, cocking her head slightly. I wasn’t sure if I should answer her, so I remained quiet. “Oh, come on, it can’t be that bad. You’re talkin’ to the queen of doin’ bad shit.”
“My mom found out I had a boyfriend,” I said quietly, hoping that she couldn’t actually hear me.
She had heard me, though. “Is that all?” she said, surprised.
“Isn’t that enough?” I replied, slight anger lacing my tone.
“Calm down, mate. Didn’t mean anythin’ by it. How’d she find out?”
“She caught me in bed with him,” I answered, surprising myself with how easily I let that information leave my mouth. It didn’t seem to faze her, though.
“And she sent ya away for that? Man, homophobes suck,” Alex said, and I looked at her in curiosity. Was she… “I’m not gay or anythin’,” she answered my silent question. “But my best friend is.”
“Ah,” was all I could think of to say. Alex led me down another hallway and out into a small courtyard. There, two guys came into view.

They were both blonde and fairly tall. Alex walked up to them and wrapped her arms around the one with a nose piercing and another piercing above his top lip to the side, kissing him. She pulled away after a few seconds and hugged the other one and then turned back to look at me. The boy Alex only hugged was looking at me.

“This is Kyle, my boyfriend and Mason, my best friend,” she said, showing my which was which with her hands. “And guys, this is… it was Micah, right?”
“Yeah,” I said softly. Kyle smiled at me and Mason nodded, clearly checking me out. I blushed, not being used to someone other than Angel looking at me like that.
“Take a seat,” Kyle suggested, gesturing to the benches closest to our little group. I sat down and the others followed suit; Mason sitting very close beside me and Kyle next to him with Alex on his lap.

The others began chatting about someone in their class while I stayed quiet and concentrated on taking in my surroundings. The courtyard was nice. The trees were quite bare since it was winter but I could tell they would be absolutely stunning in spring. The courtyard had winding gravel paths with large stone benches placed evenly along them and a couple of small gardens here and there that would be bright with flowers once winter was over. It was surrounded by school buildings but it didn’t have a roof, so it was chilly with the winter breeze that was flowing in. I shivered slightly as a particularly strong gust came in and Mason, who was still practically sitting on my lap, noticed and put an arm around my shoulders, rubbing the top of my arm with his hand. I glanced at him and noticed he was looking at me. I recognised the look; it was one Angel wore often – one of desire. It made me uncomfortable.

I shrugged off his arm. “Don’t,” I said, catching Alex and Kyle’s attention too. “I have a boyfriend. H-had. Had a boyfriend… Shit,” I mumbled at the end, trying to contain my emotions. They all looked at me in concern as I fought with my tear ducts not to spill over. Even though Angel and I hadn’t officially broken up, I knew that we couldn’t be classed as boyfriends when I had no way to contact him and he probably had no idea where or why I went away. He probably hated me for leaving him without even a goodbye. The thought made me feel like my heart was getting torn to shreds.

“What happened, Micah?” Alex asked quietly after a few moments of silence. I looked at her, wondering if I should tell them or not, but then I just decided to. What else could I lose?

I told them about my whirlwind romance with Angel. I told them how annoying I thought he was when I met him, how I ended up with a girlfriend for a little while and how Angel hated that. I told them how I gradually began to realise I was developing feelings for him even though we hadn’t known each other long and I knew that being gay was wrong, but finding myself not caring a whole lot about that. I told them about our ups and downs and about the worst down of all – when my mother found out about us and sent me away. Alex already knew about that but Kyle and Mason didn’t so it was a small shock for them. It was upsetting talking about it all and the others could tell. Mason put his arm around my shoulders again but this time it was to comfort me, not to flirt with me. I didn’t shrug him off this time.

Over the next few weeks at school, I got closer to Alex, Kyle and Mason. Especially Mason. I still missed my other friends, and Angel, like crazy but my new friends made things easier. I was able to talk to them about pretty much anything and they didn’t judge, and they were there for me when I needed to vent about the lectures my Aunt kept putting me through. When I couldn’t sleep, which was often, I was able to call Mason, who always stayed up late, and he would listen to me cry long into the early morning, and then do it all again the following night. He quickly became one of my best friends.

I attended a few parties here and there; sneaking out of the house, of course, because I never would have been allowed to go otherwise. The loud music and drinks were enough for me to forget about things for a little while but I always made sure to stay fairly sober. I know what I’m like when I drink too much – I turn into a bit of a slut and I didn’t want to find myself in a situation I didn’t want to be in.

But all of that changed after I found out that Angel had moved on. My mother told me about his new boyfriend on a Friday afternoon a few months after she sent me away. I cried the entire night that night. The next day, I went to Alex’s, where I filled her and Kyle and Mason in on what I had found out. They were all shocked and upset for me and did what they could to try and make me feel better. We already had plans to go to a party at some guy in our year’s house that night. I almost decided not to go because I was so upset, but at the last minute, I decided to just go and let loose. And let loose I did.

I drank a lot that night. I also smoked a cigarette for the first time. Alex almost didn’t let me have it but I begged her and she realised that she would have been a bit of a hypocrite if she didn’t. I choked on the smoke and it made my mouth taste disgusting but it made me feel somewhat relaxed and I kind of enjoyed knowing that I could potentially be destroying my lungs. They could match my broken heart.

At some point in the evening, a girl I didn’t recognise came up to me and started talking to me. She probably told me her name but I didn’t retain the information. In all honesty, I didn’t really care. But she was a good looking girl, she was interested in me and I needed a distraction. I woke up the next morning with her snoring lightly beside me in a bed I didn’t recognise. I remembered quickly what we did and, even though I really enjoyed it, I felt terrible. I felt like I had somehow betrayed Angel, even though he had betrayed me first. I left that morning without waking the girl up. I still don’t know her name.

I wish I could say that I came to my senses and that that evening was just a one-time thing that happened, but I can’t. I kept partying hard. I kept smoking. The same thing happened twice more during that month; once with a different girl and once with a boy. It was around that time I realised that I was bisexual. I felt like I couldn’t really call myself anything other than that because I really enjoyed sex with both genders, although I think I preferred guys. I guess that’s how things with Mason started up. We were hanging out at his place alone the day after I fucked the guy, and I had just told him how I came to the conclusion that I was bi. Somehow we ended up kissing, then touching, and then we ended up in his bed together. Then it just continued on. I didn’t bother with one-night stands anymore. Mason and I never discussed our arrangement. It seemed to be just an unspoken agreement.

Of course, I didn’t just magically forget all about my pain at Angel moving on without me. I feel it most when I was alone; when I’m about to fall asleep. It’s like a dull ache you might get after a broken bone has healed that never really goes away, but gets worse when it’s about to rain. Sometimes the pain will flare up at random times. I’d see someone whose hair was the same colour as Angel’s; or a car that looked like Drew’s and I’d inwardly collapse, break. And then, once I picked myself back up, I would find a way to distract myself – usually it was Mason or alcohol or both.

I sometimes find it hard to believe how long it’s been since all of this started. It’s been more than a year since I’ve seen my friends from back home, and I’ve only seen my family a few times. I always hate it when they visit. I fall into a depressive state for a few days after they leave. Seeing them just reminds me so much of what I’ve lost and I struggle to come out of it. But I manage. My new friends – Mason, Alex, Kyle, Alcohol and Cigarettes – always help.