24 Floors.

When we arrived back at the bus, Jack immediately went about telling everyone that I was staying until the end of tour. It was already expected I would but it hadn’t been made official until now. No one had too bad of a reaction except for, of course, Alex, who stomped off to the back room, slamming the door behind him. Jack was pissed, and when he followed Alex back, we could all hear yelling for a solid 20 minutes.

It made me more than a little uncomfortable, the strain I was putting on their relationship. No one said it, but it was obvious by how tense everyone acted that this fighting between them wasn't common until the past week. I excused myself from the group, claiming tiredness. My day had been long between the arguments and Jack's sudden change of heart, and my mind was still spinning over the new people in my life. Jenna, Hailey...Hannah. I had never met anyone to my knowledge who self harmed, and it made me sick to think about it. How did anyone ever get to that point?

Rian gave me a look. I turned away before he could say anything, but I heard him following me. “Hey. How was tonight?” He asked once we escaped the prying eyes of the crew.

I think he expected some drawn out, difficult answer, judging by the hesitance on his face. “It was really nice, actually. We had a good time. The food was good and the only people who recognized Jack were this really nice lesbian couple.”

“That’s like a record for him. Usually half the restaurant notices him. We stopped going out with him when he dyed his hair and now we have to leave Mr. Bluberry at home, too.”

“I heard that, asshole!” Alex shouted from the back room.

“You were meant to! Go back to your make-up sex!” Rian yelled back, rolling his eyes.

“You’d hear us if we were having make-up sex.” Jack pointed out.

Rian didn’t even answer him, putting his attention back on me. “You’d tell me if he was an asshole, right?”

“Yeah, I promise I would.”

“Okay…”

I shook my head as he walked away slowly, almost begging me to tell him something went wrong. “Goodnight, Rian.”

I could barely make out the couple's angry whispers from behind the closed back door as I got situated in my bunk.

I pulled out my laptop once I was settled, since I hadn't checked my emails or social media in a few days. Opening the screen, the first thing I was met with were the LGBT articles I had researched the last time I was online. I scanned over the most recent article, and twenty minutes later I found myself on tumblr, drawn towards the transgender tag. I couldn't put a reason as to why I was there; when I first started my research, this specific topic was the least of my worries. Now, though, I couldn’t get the new terminology out of my mind. Genderqueer, non-binary, androgynous, and many other terms referring to gender identity flooded my brain. I found myself on ten different Wikipedia pages and various articles about the topic. I couldn’t stop reading.

Eventually, I came across an article titled in loud, glaring letters: AM I NON-BINARY?

That was where I found it.

...Identity that changes with time and/or situation...

...Not a fix sex-role…

It hit me. It hit me harder than a two ton weight and I couldn’t breathe.

Was this really me?

Yes. This was real and I knew it was me the second my eyes read the words.

I was gender fluid.

“Jay? You okay? I know you heard all of that.” Jack voice scared me out of my stupor.

“F-F-Fine.” I blurted, trying not to give away how out-of-breath I was.

He paused for a second. “What are you doing?”

I couldn’t let him know yet. We had only just gotten on speaking terms and my brain hadn’t even truly comprehended my epiphany yet. “Jerking off!”

It was the only thing I could think of to get him away from me, and it worked instantly, even though inside the bunk, I cringed. I didn’t even want to think of using my dick at the moment, due to my recent revelation. “Oh...my bad. I’ll just go, then. Don’t get come on my sheets, though!”

“Fuck off!” I groaned, acting my part.
“I believe that’s what you’re doing.” I was glad Jack had the same type of humor as I did. My mom always got angry when I make a dick joke or she walked in on me, either alone or with a girl.

Oh my god, was I gay? At least sometimes?

My head was pounding at all of the new information. I couldn’t deal with it, nor did I want to try.

Footsteps made their way past my bunk. “Hey!” I whisper-shouted.

“I don’t want to see your dick, Jayden. I’ve seen your dad’s enough.” Zack grumbled.

“I just want medicine. I have a migraine.” I whimpered, putting on my most pathetic face and peeking out of my curtain.

“I thought you were masturbating?” He looked suspicious.

“I finished.” I dismissed, shrugging.

Zack rolled his eyes, returning to the kitchen and grumbling something about how the Barakats were all alike. He returned with the bottle of Aleve. Perfect. “Keep it for the night because I’m not going back out there. Jack and Alex are glaring at each other across the room and everyone else is getting drunk.”

“Thanks, Zack.”

“‘Night, Jayden.”

I opened the bottle and let four pills roll into my hand. Something about pain medications made me tired. Usually it only took one to make me tired, and two to totally knock me out. But tomorrow, I didn’t have to leave my bunk if I chose not to until the show, and I had no intentions of doing anything I didn’t absolutely have to.

I didn’t want to think anymore.