24 Floors.

Getting up early to follow the guys to a meet & greet was not on my agenda of the day, but when Jack practically tumbled into my bunk shouting "GET THE FUCK UP! WE'RE GONNA GO SIGN THINGS!", I didn't really have a choice. I ended up being designated to hold the box that would eventually contain the fan gifts they got.

Even though we ate on the bus, lunch was waiting for us inside the small music store in which the meet & greet and combined acoustic show was held. The guys, of course, dug in, but I wasn't hungry enough to eat anything. I opted instead to go outside and check out the crowd. Jack forced me to bring Jeff along, since he had absolutely nothing to do, but he didn't mind because he was so bored.

A few girls recognized us right away, and as soon as word spread through the moderately sized line, we were swarmed. A large circle had gathered around us. In seconds Jeff had engrossed himself in a conversation about lighting with a few girls with bright hair, leaving me to deal with the masses alone.

Anxiety closed my throat as I waited for the insults to start, the "you don't belong here"'s and "there's no way you’re Jack's son"'s, but the never came. The atrocious names and words on Twitter were replaced in real life with "Can I have a picture?", "What's it like touring with the guys?", and even a few "Fuck me Jayden!"'s sounded around the group. Nearly everyone treated me like I was an actual member of All Time Low, simply wanting to be as close to me as possible while I gave them my utmost attention. I tried to reply as best as I could to the questions that weren't too invasive, dodging the ones that asked me how I got here in the first place and how often Jack and Alex fucked. After almost an hour of smiling for pictures and my hand cramping through signatures, Jeff and I both got a text saying it was time to start. We sent the girls back to the line and Jeff took me back inside before heading back to the bus - apparently Rian was worried I would get groped and Jack was worried I would get hit.

The band only played about four songs for their acoustic show; they were trying to save energy for the night's concert and they wanted to leave plenty of time for the meet & greet. I took a seat at the very end of the table beside Jack - who insisted on sitting next to me - and watched overjoyed faces turn into bundles of nerves as they approached the boys. It was interesting, almost comedic, to see how these guys change people. Some of the same confident people who were the first to talk to Jeff and I outside were rendered speechless, some even to the point of tears. Others compensated by being louder than Jack when he was drunk. It didn't take long for me to start accumulating presents, most of which for Alex and Jack, although Rian and Zack did get their fair share. I blushed when a girl handed Jack a bright blue vibrator before smiling at me and leaving.

I stayed mostly quiet, observing and letting the guys interact with their fans, only really doing anything when I needed to take their gifts. Before the line was even halfway through, my mind was spinning.

Offhandedly, someone had mentioned before we came in that there was somewhere between 150 and 200 people attending. And I know it was probably less frequent than my brain imagined, but it seemed like every few people, another person would come up that caught my eye. It was most females, as was the crowd as a whole, but there were a couple of males in the mix, too. It wasn't how they looked or what they said that caught my eye, though.

It was the way their long sleeves rolled up just enough, and the way they crossed their arms in a feeble attempt to hide. It was the way the rest of the band's face fell when they noticed the same thing I did. It was how they whispered an "are you okay?" to their likely trembling frames, and it was how Jack reached for a rubber band off his own wrist to hand to them, saying there were better options. I didn't quite understand how the rubber band factored into anything, but I waited until later to ask, in the hour after the meet & greet and before sound check. There wouldn't be any other time in the day, as after sound check we would record Full Frontal until the boys had to go to their Hustler Happy Hour, which I was also invited to. I insisted I wasn't coming unless I was allowed actual champagne.

"Can I ask you something?" I pounced nearly the second he came out of the bathroom. "In private?"

He furrowed his eyebrows, but nodded hesitantly. "Let's go get ice cream. I think there's a nice shop not too far from here."

I asked him only once we were seated in the lofty, parlor with our double stacked cookie dough ice cream in large waffle cones. "Why do so many of your fans hurt themselves?" I cut straight to the chase.

It was almost like he was expecting the question. His eyes held no surprise, instead taking on a weary sort of quality. "Remind me to show you some of the fan letters I've gotten when we get home. A lot of them have been through so much, and I guess for some reason our music makes them happier. Don't get me wrong, I love that they support us and I'm glad we've been able to be there for them, but sometimes seeing person after person going through that...it's a lot to handle. Especially when you meet people you know must be absolutely amazing in real life, like that Hannah girl we met at the restaurant? It's just...frustrating to me. I can't stop them from doing it no matter how great we are at what we do."

"What about the rubber bands? Why do you give them to them?"

"It's an alternative, usually. They can snap the band against their wrist instead of cutting it." He rolled one off his wrist and handed it over. I looked at it in confusion before sliding it on my arm.

***

"And welcome to Full Frontal!" Alex started off the podcast. We were on the bus, but nearly everyone who wasn't needed for the show was in the venue or in Zack's case, making some fangirls' dreams come true with a surprise visit to the line. We were all scattered around the back lounge: Jack and I on the couch, Alex on the chair opposite of us, and Jeff and Rian in their own little corner, laptops at the ready. "This week we have a special guest host with us!" Alex sounded excited, but his body language said something entirely different. I tried to ignore it and lighten the almost unbearable tension between Alex and literally everyone else.

"Damn right we do! It's my child! Tell 'em who you are, Jayden."

"Um, I'm Jayden, I guess? I like breaking peoples' moral compasses and sex."

"Those two go hand in hand, don't you think?" Alex asked. It was the first time he'd said something toward me with no malice.

"Depends how good you are...and how bad you want to be."

Jack laughed and cautiously put an arm around my shoulder, looking for any sign of discomfort. When he saw none, he continued. "I think you can really see my sperm in him."

Alex cringed at the same time I did. "I don't think that's how people say that, Jack."

As they bickered between how to properly tell people their child resembled them, I looked at Rian and Jeff. They were shaking their heads and laughing, shooting me a thumbs-up sign. "Look, I don't care how you say it, I just don't want anything related to Jack's reproductive organs in the same sentence as my name." I shivered. "Parent sex is gross."

Alex nodded in agreement. "I concur. Strangely enough, parent sex brings us to our first news story of the week..." Alex read the news stories, with Jack and I, and occasionally Jeff and Rian, adding our input and anecdotes. He continued reading what I would consider the most diverse, explicit, disgusting news report I'd ever had the pleasure of listening through until Rian gave him a signal. Alex shuffled through some papers with a smirk. He'd clearly been saving his favorite for last. "Alright, and our final story of the week is for all the Orange Is The New Black fans and LGBT folks."

"So basically the same people." Jack concluded.

"Exactly. So, Ruby Rose-" Jack moaned, and Alex stood up to reach over and slap him. "Save your orgasms for later. Anyways, Ruby Rose lauded for promoting genderfluid movement at MTV EMAs."

Did he just look at me?

All I could worry about while Alex explained how the actress welcomed "ladies, gentlemen, and everyone in between," was that he knew. Jack caught on, too, frozen stiff at my side. Jack had to have told him. Surprisingly, I wasn't mad in the slightest. He must have had some more emotion than what he showed me, and it made sense that Alex was the first he would go to to vent. What did upset me was Alex, and how he was using it against us. Against me.

However, that upset was nothing compared to what he said next, shit-eating grin splitting his face.

"Rose said 'I'm not a guy; I don't really feel like a woman, but obviously I was born one.' I bet you can relate to that Jayden, can't you? With you being genderfluid yourself and all. Do you ever wish you didn't have a dick?"

The room went absolutely silent - so quiet, that we could hear the chatter of the fans out in front of the venue, while we were behind it. Jack trembled beside me, and I could feel the rage radiating off of him in thick, heavy waves.

I couldn't answer without screaming, crying, or hitting him, so I didn't. As calmly as I could, I stood up and walked away. It only took me seconds to realize there was nowhere for me to go but my bunk, so that's exactly where I went.

"Stop the episode, Rian." Even from my bunk, I could tell Jack was speaking through his teeth, waiting for his explosion to be unrecorded. "What the fuck is your problem? You don't fucking out someone like that, and you know that goddamn well! I don't care if you want him 6 feet under, that's a line you don't cross. You're such an asshole, Alex, and I'm sick of this! I'm done with you. I'm officially single. Don't say a fucking word to me or my child until you get your damn head straight. You broke my trust and I can't just forgive you for this." If possible, it got even quieter than it had been before Jack spoke.

I needed to do something. I was angry, furious. I needed to hit something, hurt something. Throwing my hands over my face, I caught sight of my wrist.

And the rubber band still around it.