24 Floors.

"Jayden? Can I come in?" Even on the bus, it was scorching. The air conditioner for whatever reason wasn't working and the dry, scorching climate we were traveling through made it hard to breathe or do anything that required moving. I used that and the fact that I couldn't sleep last night - I got a look from Jack for that one - to excuse me staying in bed all day. In reality, my bruise was more than visible in my muscle shirt, and I couldn't risk anyone seeing it.

Especially Jack.

I peeked out of my bunk curtain. "Why?"

"I want to talk about yesterday."

My face turned sour. "Or we could just forget everything that happened and pretend like you know nothing."

Rian laughed. "I like my idea better. Come on, move over or I'll send Jack back." Instantly I scrambled away from the opening and let him climb up. I pulled my blanket towards me and covered my arm with it just as his head poked through. "That's better...Jesus, Jayden. It's like a hundred degrees in here! Why don't you open your curtain?"

I shrugged. "Heat doesn't bother me." Lie. I couldn't stand hot weather, but even more so, I couldn't stand letting myself be Jack's problem anymore than I already was. He would probably - no, definitely - blame himself for giving me the damn band in the first place.

"I think you're just hiding from us." Rian stated. True, but not entirely for why you think. "You realize that none of us care, right? If we're upset with anyone, we're upset with Alex, but I think you've figured that part out by now. We get that it's something you can't control. All Time Low is a family, and families support each other even when it's hard."

"Not mine, apparently." I muttered. My mom was the only family I knew of before I came here.

"Hey. Don't talk like that. We're your family now, and we wouldn't want that to change for the world." He adjusted the pillows behind him. "Even if your bunk is a goddamn mess. Do you ever clean up in here?"

My laugh broke the tension. "Not really. It's not at the top of my list of priorities, I guess."

"What is, then? Fucking everything human?" They way he asked held no malice or hostility. It was an honest question. Maybe he was used to this; they did say Jack was a whore before he had Alex.

"I guess Jack told you about last night, didn't he?"

"Yeah, but he just confirmed what I already thought. I saw Jenna walking out of your room."

I shrugged again. "I guess so, then. I don't really have too much going for me right now that I can prioritize. I think one of my priorities is figuring out this gender shit to the best of my ability."

"How are you coping with that?"

"I don't know, honestly. Like, I've always felt kind of uncomfortable in my own skin, but now that it has a name, it feels stronger, somehow."

"Is the dysphoria really bad?" He looked like he didn't even want to know the answer.

I nodded. "Yeah, sometimes."

Rian continued straightening up the small bunk, and I laughed.

That is, until he went for my blanket. "Leave it." I urged.

He raised an eyebrow. "You can't possibly need this right now." He pulled it away before I could hold on to it and I pulled my arm into my torso. And suddenly, his face went grave. He knew the signs; just like Jack, I'm sure he had seen it in countless fans. "Why are you hiding your arm, Jay?" When I didn't answer, he reached toward me, resting a hand on my knee instead of going to my wrist like I expected him to. "Please show me. I'm not judging you, I just need to see how bad it is." Rian whispered, pleaded.

He bit his lip as he gingerly held my arm, examine the deep purple bruise. Now that I was looking at it more closely, I could see a few places where the skin had broken. "It was only last night, I swear."

"Doesn't matter." He didn't look up at me. "Is it clean?"

"Yeah." I lied. I could take care of it myself later.

"Is this what you used?" He rolled the rubber band between his fingers.

"Yeah."

For the first time since he saw the bruise, his eyes met mine. "Please don't get into this, Jayden. I don't want to see another person go down this path."

"Okay." I answered. It was noncommittal, and Rian saw right through it.

"Just...try and talk to someone next time? Me, Jack, Zack, the crew, Jenna, I don't care. Venting helps. We all care, and we want to see you happy." He patted my knee. "Now, enough with that for now, and onto the reason I actually came here."

"What's that?" I asked hesitantly.

He stayed quiet for a minute, eyes tracing the pictures on the wall as he figured out how to put his words together. "Jack mentioned something about pronouns? I kind of spaced out while he was talking, like usual, but I remember hearing your name and something about pronouns. So, what I'm asking is, how would you like me to refer to you as?"

I stared at Rian's hand, still sitting on my knee like he was scared to move it. "I like 'they' right now. I'm still trying to figure it all out, so gender neutral sounds good to me. If that's not too much trouble." I hated when I got like this - whenever I was unsure in the slightest, I either turned into a huge pushover or an overcompensating asshole. I liked Rian, so the former seemed more acceptable.

"Of course it's not. Any pronouns you feel are right are what we're going to use. If they change, let us know. Obviously, we won't be perfect, but we'll try as much as we can."

I met his eyes and found nothing but pure earnesty. "Can I give you a hug, Ri?"

His answer was holding out his arms and smiling his 1000-watt smile.

***

"I don't know why we have to go hiking. I'm perfectly comfortable sleeping in bed until showtime." I groaned as we started up the third hill on the trail. Rian and Zack had organized a group hike for the day. It was only a twenty minute car ride from the venue, and they promised to go for food after. I had been complaining since we started hiking almost and hour and a half ago, and by now everyone had figured out that I wasn't going to stop anytime soon. They tried their best to ignore me, but I still caught the glares of the crew every few minutes. We were only about halfway through the trail, and I was already ready to collapse. How was no one else out of breath?

"We told you not to wear long sleeves!" Rian called back, once again pointing out my clothing choice. I gave him the finger, which he ignored. "Watch out for these rocks, guys." He was at the front of the group, so he warned as we approached a small pile of boulders. Surprisingly, I held back all noises of discontent.

"I wouldn't have to watch out for anything if I was sleeping right now..." I muttered. The only people behind me were Jack and Alex. Jack wanted to make sure I was safe - I was what he called an "amateur" when it came to hiking - and Alex took up the rear simply because everyone was still ignoring him. He had earbuds in and every once in awhile I could hear him humming to Green Day. Of course he would be jamming out to my favorite band. I probably would have talked to him about them if he wasn't such an asshole.

When my turn came to climb over the small mountain, I stuck my foot in between two relatively stable-looking rocks and hoisted myself up. I thought I would be fine.

Until I took my next step up.

My shoe stuck under one of the larger boulders, I tried twisting my foot to get it out. I did end up getting it out, but not before losing my balance and landing on the dry, unforgiving forest floor. "Fuck." I whined, this time entirely justified.

"Jay? Shit, are you okay?" Jack was instantly at my side as I coughed on the dirt my fall had sent into the air.

"Fine, fine. Just dirty." I brushed myself off as best I could and drank some of Jack's water - I was definitely not used to dry climates like everyone else had grown somewhat accustomed to, and had downed all my water in the first hour of the journey - before standing up. Dirt stuck to my sweaty body and, in places, my old shirt and shorts, damp from perspiration. I felt grimy and disgusting.

I felt uncomfortable, and not just because I needed a shower.

For the first time today, I realized everyone here was a man. Usually there was a girl around the venue to help with merch and set-up, and even if that failed there were security guards and the majority of the fans. As we continued forward, Jack took a place in front of me in attempt to survey my every step before I took it. Almost everyone was in front of me, and I watched them. The way their bodies - my body - were sturdy strength and defined muscles. Their bodies were lean and straight, unlike the curving, soft features common in females. I found myself comparing my appearance to theirs and that of a usual girl, and although just this morning I felt comfortable in my masculinity, there was now the undoubtable feel of being female.

Like a switch, my entire demeanor changed. I wanted to shed my skin, find a different body and be someone else. I put my head down in trying to keep my eyes off the guys in front of me. I couldn't look at them right now, I couldn't be reminded of everything I had and everything I wanted. Before the tour, this was the kind of day where I would stay home from school and lock myself in my room until I felt normal again. I thought it was depression, and I always pulled through it so I didn't worry. I missed a lot of school due to it, but it wasn't like my attendance record was exactly perfect to begin with. But now I knew; I could feel the rugged claws of dysphoria caging me in and locking me up.

God, I wanted to sleep.

I was silent the rest of the way up the hill, tugging at my shirt and trying to find some way to be at least vaguely comfortable with myself. We still had quite a bit of time before we were headed back to the venue and I could change.

"For God's sake..." Alex mumbled behind me. It was the first time he had said a word today. "Jack! Come here."

"Fuck you, Alex." Jack scoffed back.

He huffed, but didn't give in. "Seriously. You can ignore me for the rest of your life after this. This isn't about us. I just need 30 seconds." Even though he still sounded irritated, there was no denying how he was begging for Jack, and everyone noticed. I had never heard Alex beg before, not even when Jack broke up with him, and judging by the way everyone was looking back at him, neither had they.

Jack rolled his eyes, but obviously sensing the importance, gave in. "Alright, alright. We'll catch up with you guys."

"Wait, Jayden." Now even I was frozen in shock as my head whipped around to meet his. "Stay here, please." His voice had gone soft, as if he was...nervous.

What the hell?

Alex watched the group disappear behind trees before turning his attention to us. "Your 30 seconds starts now." Jack growled as soon as they locked eyes.

Instead of speaking to Jack, he spoke to me again. "You're uncomfortable right now, aren't you?"

"Of fucking course they are." Jack interrupted. His face was red with anger. He could barely even stand here, his feet shifting and wanting to run.

"Can you shut up for two seconds and let hi-them talk?" Alex hissed back. Jack crossed his arms, but they both looked at me.

I turned my eyes to the ground. "I don't understand."

"Something made you feel troubled. You stopped complaining. Actually, you stopped talking at all. You keep pulling at your clothes like they're too tight for you, or like you're trying to hide yourself."

"So?" I wasn't going to tell Jack. I just wasn't. He would feel bad and make everyone go back to the bus so I could change and I wasn't going to ruin everyone's day just because I was a little down.

"You know what I think happened?" He kneeled down to look me in the eyes. For once, there wasn't only hatred in them. There was a hint, just a little speck, of worry in his otherwise emotionless orbs. "I think you started to feel a bit dysphoric. I think these clothes aren't cutting it for you right now. What do you think?"

He was smart, I'd give him that. "I agree." I whispered back, a soft breeze in the still forest.

"Jayden, why didn't you tell me?" Jack asked, his voice now much softer, less stern than when he spoke with Alex.

"It just started, and I didn't want to ruin the guys' day or something."

"You've been doing it for at least the past half hour, Jayden." Alex pointed out. Had it really been that long?

"Alex, go catch up with everyone else. We'll be there in ten minutes." Jack told him, using the same voice he had on me. And then, much quieter: "Thank you."

Alex smiled softly, patting my shoulder as he walked by and sneaking a kiss on Jack's cheek. As much as he tried to hide it even after Alex had gone, the blush rising on his face was quite evident.

Jack dropped his backpack on the ground and opened it up. "What are you doing?"

"Proving that I can be a half-decent parent." He replied, pulling out his water and snacks he had brought along to reveal a small drawstring bag. "Ever since you came out, I've been a bit worried something like this would happen. We haven't left the bus too much since then, but I figured that since we would be gone the whole day today, you might get like this..." He was rambling on, and I just wanted to know what was in the bag.

"Jack." I stopped him. "You could just give me the bag."

He laughed at himself and did as I said. "Right. Here." Inside was a shirt - I couldn't believe my luck; it was long-sleeved too - I remembered buying, but looking back, I had never seen it with my stuff. Lifting it up, I saw a bra, pair of skinny jeans, and underwear. "You'll probably be hot, but we're almost done with the hike and then we'll be in air conditioning the rest of the day. I'll cover you if you want to change now."

The hug I tackled him in was so sudden that he fell over, not that either of us cared.

Should I say it?

Fuck it. I'm gonna say it.

"Thanks, dad."

His eyes went wide; he knew as well as I did that this was the first time I'd ever called him dad. Now that I said it finally, I didn't want to stop anytime soon. "O-Of course, Jayden." He stuttered as we stood up again. I gave him one more hug before I found a suitable bush to change behind.