My Mouth Is Dry

He screamed out every lyric that he scribbled down in his notebook, he was blunt in his opinions, he loudly shared sarcastic jokes if he had any, and he swore constantly. Oliver Sykes was well aware that he had a voice and he made sure it wasn’t taken for granted. That’s why he didn’t understand the people who kept quiet instead of speak their minds. Why the hell would they keep things in? Why not just be honest? Nothing good really came out of being quiet. All that could come out of it was regret from not saying anything.

“If you have something to say, then just fucking say it,” he’d tell people, expletives included. “Don’t be a coward.”

Cue his brother Tom bringing a hand up to smack him upside his head because Oli was a fucking hypocrite who needed to take his own damn advice. He couldn’t even retaliate because as always, Tom was in the right and there was no getting past him. Oli was keeping quiet and he had been keeping quiet for way too long. This had to change.

Oli had something to say, alright. He had a lot to say. Perhaps way too much. The words had built up inside of him to the point where they overflowed. They were up to his neck and pulled him down further so he couldn’t breathe. These words consumed him and cut off any air that was left, leaving him to drown while they surrounded him. But there was a way out and he knew what it was. All he had to do was open his mouth and just fucking say it. And yet, he chose to drown because he had become the very person he tried not to be. He was a coward who couldn’t just go and tell her.

It frustrated the fuck out of him that he couldn’t tell her. In any other situation, the words would easily pour out. He was usually so confident and clever, expressing his thoughts in such a way that it was almost as if he was reciting poetry. But it was a different story when it came to her. So many times he had gotten very close to admitting his feelings. They played backward and forward, sitting on the tip of his tongue just waiting to escape...only for him to lose all focus and functionality the moment she looked at him. The brain and the suave he thought he had diminished once he was in her presence.

She didn’t even need to try. One look into those radiant green eyes and his intelligence faded into obscurity, barely spitting out actual coherent sentences. Her laughter was contagious and he had grown so addicted to it, finding her joy possibly more intoxicating than any drug he had ever encountered. The smile that came with it was just as enticing, freeing him of any dark thoughts that threatened to engulf him. Her long orange hair fell over her shoulders, vivid and fiery like the passion she had for music and caring for others. Most would consider her short, but for a small person she managed to make a big and bold statement. Not only was she beautiful, but so was her personality.

Whenever she was around, nothing was ever bleak and he could practically feel her pulling the bitterness and negativity out of him. He was always filled with euphoria after spending time with her and he couldn’t get enough. Whether it was her singing softly into a microphone while an acoustic guitar played in the background or her shamelessly dancing to 90s pop songs on the radio or just her sitting down with him and enjoying his company, he kept wanting more. Her aura was warm and comforting, strong enough to brighten the mood of anyone, no matter how upset they were. He wanted to become a better person because of her and she let him know that he was a better person. Her positive outlook on life was admirable and it was a power that not everyone had, but what everyone needed. Even with the harshness of reality constantly tainting the world’s idealism, she still chose happiness. She could’ve easily gone the other direction, but instead of spiraling down, she rose up.

He had noticed how he was changing. He smiled more, he laughed more, he worried less. The gaping hole in his chest was filled with the blissful feelings she gave him and he realized that he was also choosing happiness because that’s what he wanted. He especially wanted happiness with her.

Oli was in too deep.

What started as a fun, harmless friendship turned into something far beyond what he expected. His knees weakened when she gazed up at him, the spark in her eyes making the pounding of his heart escalate. Even when she wasn’t around, he still saw her. His thoughts all had a face and it was hers, making him grin widely because he liked thinking about her. He liked her. He had fallen for her.

In the time he’d known her, Oli had fallen for Hayley Williams.

“So are you ever going to tell her?” Tom asked him one day, leaning against the door frame of Oli’s bedroom.

He was in the process of packing his duffel bag, stopping when he heard his brother’s question. “What?”

“Are you going to tell her?” Tom repeated. “And don’t act like you don’t know who I’m talking about. You’re an idiot, but you’re not stupid.”

He just stared at Tom, wishing his brother didn’t know so much and that he wasn’t so easy to read. Tom had caught onto Oli’s pent-up feelings for a long time, even before Oli himself and after yet another failed attempt at telling Hayley how he felt the other night, he was wondering if he was ever going to do something about it.

There was a voice in Oli’s head screaming “Yes, I’m going to finally tell her” but once again his cowardice wouldn’t let him say it out loud. Instead, he just sighed and shook his head. “It’s complicated.”

Tom rolled his eyes. He was very close to calling bullshit on that answer, but chose to spare Oli that day. So he took a deep breath and replied, “Complicated how?”

“I-I’m busy right now,” Oli said, pretending to be preoccupied in folding his clothes and putting them into his bag. As he did so, he could feel Tom’s eyes burning the back of his head and attempted to say anything that would make him drop the subject. “It’s not the right time to tell her, okay?”

“Will there ever be a right time for you?” Tom scoffed. “You’ve been saying that for months. It made sense the first time, but now? You’re not with SJ anymore and as far as I know, she made it clear to Chad that she wasn’t interested in him. You guys are always talking on the phone, always fucking flirting, putting up all these signs that clearly show you guys are into each other, but you won’t even spit it out. Come on, it’s getting old. You have to tell her, Oli.”

Oli frowned and sat on the bed, burying his face in his hands. Tom was right. Again. He was running out of excuses. He couldn’t give all the obvious bullshit answers like it “not being the right time” or “he didn’t want to date anyone”. Those were all lies and he was crying wolf. The reason was that he was scared. Scared of losing her because what he felt for her was different compared to all the other girls he’d dated. Hayley had become an important person in his life and it was terrifying to think that it could all change from this. He could be rejected and they’d never be the same again, but there was also the possibility of them becoming something more.

And he would never know by keeping quiet and being scared.

Fuck it. It was time to take his own advice. He was going to tell her.

But when was that going to happen? They hadn’t seen each other in almost a year and he still wasn’t sure when he’d see her again. He was heading to Warped Tour in a few days while she was touring with No Doubt. It could be another few weeks, months even.

No. No, that was another excuse. Enough of those. He was going to take the very first chance he got and come to her, look her in the eyes, and tell her.

“I will,” he said and he actually meant it. From the way Tom just nodded at him, it seemed his brother believed him this time.

About two weeks later, he finally told her in July 2009 and felt her lips against his for the very first time.

It took him a year, four months, and eight days to do that. He stumbled on his words a fuckload of times, he shared a lot of personal things with her that not many people got to hear, and she gave him way more happy memories in the span of that year than he ever had in his life.

He endured quite a journey to get to that point but not a moment of it was wasted.