Let's Just Fall in Love Again

As I walked into my house, a surge of emotion hit me. Everything eerily looked the same as it did when I last left. The living room still had the oak rocking chair in the corner with mom's favorite sky blue cardigan slung over the back. I continued through the house making my way back into the cramped home office.

“Charlie! I didn’t think you were going to be home until tomorrow, how are you my love?”

He looked the same as he had when I left. Same crooked spectacles, a few days worth of beard, and a silly t-shirt. Considering everything that’s happened in the last year, he was doing unbelievably well. I looked in the direction of the desks, and spotted one of the stark differences; one of them was completely bare. And that was the way it’d been ever since mom passed away.

“Yeah, well I finished packing the apartment yesterday, so I decided to catch an earlier flight. But hey, continue what you’re doing I just wanted to come say hello. Mel upstairs?”

He nodded and wrapped his arms around me in a hug. With the near desperate way he clung to me, I could tell that his heart was breaking. I’d been the one everyone said looked like mom; and that fact helped me make my decision to take the photography internship I’d been considering right before the accident. I couldn’t take the stares he’d give me. He looked at me as if he wished I could just turn into her. I broke away from the hug and walked back out of the office.

I walked up the stairs and mused at the various photos of our family growing up. There were probably over 100 pictures cluttering the walls; conveying everything from my first loose tooth, to Melanie’s birth, to my 15th birthday, to our family vacations to Mexico. I opened the door to Melanies’ door I was shocked to see Garrett, Kennedy, and Mels’ friend Avery along with my sister.

“What the fuck are you doing here?! You’re not supposed to be home until tomorrow.. We were planning a surprise party.”

“Not much of a surprise now, huh?”

I smirked, and my sister was grinning from ear to ear despite her irritated tone. I knew she missed me as much as I’d missed her, if not more. I sat down on the bench at the end of her bed next to Kennedy. He bumped my shoulder and whispered in my ear.

“What the fuck happened with John?”

I pulled our faces apart and threw him a warning glance. I knew that I’d have to discuss this with him, but I didn’t feel that this was the time. I turned instead to my sister.

“You don’t need to throw a party, I just came home; it’s not like I graduated.”

“Oh whatever Char, you know you love to party. We’ll have one anyway!”

I rolled my eyes at my sister. She was right; I liked parties as much as the next twenty something, but I was scared of facing John. I didn’t want to have to own up to what I’d done. He tried so hard to make things work when I left for Portland, but I’d given up. I didn’t want to end up hurting him, but Kennedy and Melanie had made sure that I always knew he was crushed by my move.

Turning my attention back to the people in front of me, I noticed Avery and Melanie had left the room, probably to work out all the details of my “coming home” party. Kennedy and Garrett were still sitting in the room with me, and Gare decided to break the silence.

“Charlotte Eileen Griggs! You’ve got some explaining to do. You need to help me understand why you broke things off with John.”

Why was this all anyone could focus on? I had just gotten home, this wasn’t the time to talk about my issues; this was the time to share funny stories from my time away and to catch up on lost time.

“Gare, I don’t really want to talk about that right now. Kennedy already asked and got the same response. Can’t this wait?”

The mood in the room had drastically changed after the question left my mouth. Kennedy glanced at Garrett out of the corner of his eye and Garrett looked away from me. I instantly felt sick to my stomach; I could tell I wasn’t going to like whatever was said next.

“Char, he’s going crazy. All he does is write songs in his room, go on drives late at night, and eat. He doesn’t hang around with anyone. He’s been a complete introverted wreck since you broke up with him.”

I felt extremely guilty. No one understood that I didn’t break up with John because I didn’t love him; I did it to protect him. Everything I touched turned to shit, and I couldn’t let myself ruin him too. I thought about telling them this, but I still needed to tell them about Sean.

“You guys know that I didn’t mean for that to happen, I did it to protect him from. I don’t want to bring him down. But I’ve got to tell you guys something before he gets here and things get awkward. I’ve kind of got a boyfriend.”

I trailed off hoping it’d lessen the blow of what I’d just admitted. I realized that what I just said sounded extremely backwards and hypocritical, but it had to come out eventually. Garrett glared at me like I’d just told him I ran over his dog.

“Please do explain, Char.”

“I know it sounds stupid to get with someone else after breaking up with someone with the reasons of not wanting to ruin them, but Sean and I just sort of happened.”

I thought back to the first time we’d met. I was on my lunch break on a Wednesday of my second month in the city and I was miserable. I’d finally gotten up the nerve over the previous weekend to end things with John and I’d isolated myself to my tiny studio apartment for any free time I had. But there I was, sitting at a table in this little café I frequented down the block from the office I was working at. The café was oddly crowded for a Wednesday afternoon at that time, and a striking redhead approached me and he asked if he could sit with me. I agreed and we got to talking, and then soon enough we were on a daily schedule of meeting for lunch. And then eventually it turned into more, and then finally a relationship. I wasn’t in love with Sean, but I loved him and he was a great support system.

Kennedy and Garrett just sat staring at me, seemingly at a loss for words. I knew they had to be pissed, but being some of my best friends they were trying to politely hide their disdain.

“Is he coming into town? I mean are we going to get to meet him?”

“Actually he’s coming in on the flight I was supposed to be on. I figured it’d be better if I got home first, ya know?”

Kennedy finally spoke up, “Yeah, I get you. But do you know what I think you need to do? I think you need to go tell John what you just told us. You can’t just spring this kind of thing on him. He knew you were coming home and he’s been really excited. We were hoping that we could convince you to get back with him, but obviously that isn’t going to happen. He’s planning on being at your party, and he’s got a new song for you. You know how inspiring you’ve always been to him.”

I felt a pang in my chest at Kennedy’s words. He was completely right though; I owed it John to tell him myself, but the thought of seeing him made my stomach churn. And a song for me, I didn’t know how that should make me feel. I loved Johns’ music, and when it came to being about me, it was usually sickeningly sweet. But I had a feeling that this song wouldn’t be.

“Alright, I’ll go now. Better sooner than later right?”

Before either of them could say another word, I exited the room. Walking back down the stairs and towards the garage, my heart was beating way too fast and my head was pounding.

I got in my car and began driving the way too familiar way to my ex-boyfriends house. I rolled the windows down in my Jeep and connected my phone. The first song that came on shuffle was Listen to Your Heart. Hearing John’s voice calmed me down quite a bit, which I majorly resented, I needed to be okay without him and I just wasn’t. I pulled into his driveway and put the car in park. As I waited for the song to end I looked at myself in the mirror one last time before I exited the car.

The walk up the sidewalk to his house seemed like it lasted for miles. Dread filled my body and my stomach sank further as I got closer to the door. I felt like I was about to give a presentation in speech class; I had sweaty palms, I couldn’t catch my breath, and I almost swore I was starting to sweat. I rang the doorbell and a few moments later, Johns’ mother, Jenny opened the door.

“Charlotte! Oh my god, honey it’s so good to see you! When did you get back in town?”

She seemed unfazed by my presence. Did he not tell her we broke up? She seems so happy to see me; I honestly didn’t think I deserved this kind of hospitality.

“It’s good to see you too Mrs. O’Callaghan. I actually flew in this morning, so I’m a little tired. Is John home?”

I smiled awkwardly, still trying to figure out if she knew what happened.

“Oh yes of course. Ever since you ended things he’s been an unproductive slug!”

My face turned cherry red. The words stung, it was clear that no one was happy with my decision to end things with John. She must’ve read my face, and hurriedly began explaining herself.

“Honey, I’m not blaming you for anything. It was your decision to break things off, and I’m sure you had a good enough reason. He’s choosing to act this way; no one made him. I just wish he’d start doing more, ya know? He just stays here and drives me nuts.”

She smiled sweetly trying to make me feel better, but I wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole.

After a few more minutes of excruciatingly awkward conversation, I walked up the stairs and down the hallway to John's bedroom. I knocked on the door, which felt so weird considering I was used to just barging right in.

“Mom, I’m writing, can it wait?”

Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea; I probably should have called before I just decided to show up. What if he freaks out? Or if he cries like he did that night in December? I took my hand off the knob and started walking towards the stairs.

“Charlie?”

John had yanked the door open before I’d been able to successfully get away. I slowly turned around afraid of what I was going to see. And terrified of what I was going to feel.

“Um hi.. I was gonna leave. I don’t know what I was thinking just coming over unannounced. You’re busy, we can talk later, if you want..” I trailed off awkwardly.

He just stood there. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t make a face; he didn’t do anything. I felt like I was going to be sick. My head was spinning, and a few tears slid down my cheek. I wanted to run down the stairs and never look back. But I knew I needed to do this.

“Say something please?”

“What do you want me to say Charlie? Hey, how ya doing? Done anything fun lately? There’s really nothing I have to say to you. I just have a bunch of unanswered questions that I’m sure you won’t answer for me. I don’t think we need to talk right now. I still need time. I thought I was ready, but obviously not.”

The sarcastic ring to his voice took me by surprise. He was usually charming and sincere, but obviously I’d tainted that part of him.

“That’s fair, I guess. But there is one thing you need to know before I leave.”

He actually looked at me for the first time since I’d been here. When our eyes locked I felt like everything was alright again. But I knew that it wasn’t and I still had to tell him about Sean.

“I have a friend coming into town tomorrow. Well, he’s kind of like my.. boyfriend.”

I looked down at my feet and toyed with the hem of my dress, avoiding his gaze. I didn’t think I could take the look I knew he’d be giving me.

“A fucking boyfriend? Seriously Charlie? I gave you three fucking years of my life, I was there for you when your mom died, and I really thought that you were going to be the one. So what, you drop everything here and run off to Portland and decide you want someone else? You just went ahead and dropped me over the phone like it was nothing. I guess I was wrong, I think we do need to talk now. Cause I need to fucking understand where <i>my</i> Charlie is, because this tramp standing in front of me is not the girl I’m in love wi—was in love with.”

If there were something I could do to erase the last 10 minutes of my life, I would do it. I was expecting him to be mad, I even expected him to yell, but to say all of that wasn’t even close to what I had mentally prepared for. I was sobbing now, the words had brought on an immense emotional pain, as well as a physical one, I felt like my heart was breaking all over again.

“John, I’m the same girl you’ve always known. You were my rock, my best friend, my support system, my love, and yeah, I was sure you were the one too. For what it’s worth, I’m not in love with Sean, and I didn’t start dating him until about a month or two after we split. He was a friend I made after the breakup. I get that you’re mad, and I hear that you don’t love me anymore, but I still love you more than anything. I just couldn’t stay with you after the accident; I didn’t want to put you through any kind of pain. I just didn’t want to end up hurting you. After all, everyone knows I’m the reason she’s gone. ”

John looked taken aback by my words. His expression softened a bit and he softly grabbed my hand, startling me, before he continued.

“That was not your fault. Yes, you two were arguing. Yes, she wasn’t paying the best attention, but you couldn’t do anything about that. She called you that day. She could have waited until she got home to discuss whatever it was with you. I swear Char, if that’s really why you ended things, it doesn’t have to be like that. I would take you back in a heartbeat. You couldn’t hurt me, I just wouldn’t let you, and I love you too much to let you go. We can fix this Charlie. I know we can.”

I knew deep down that he was right. I had always taken the blame for the accident because I liked that explanation a little bit better than she was distracted when she’d called me, yelling and screaming about me being a failure, had ran a red light and collided with a semi. I didn’t like the truth. Blaming everything on us arguing was the burden I’d taken on to somehow help me cope.

“I don’t think we should fix it John. We don’t know what it’s like out there without the other. The last few months being with Sean have been good. Not that what we had was bad, it’s just different. It’s not as intense as we were. It’s just easy. He’s good to me, and I think it’d be good for us to experience new things, if not for good at least for the summer.”

He still looked a little upset and took me by surprise when he finally nodded and said, “For the summer.”