Let's Just Fall in Love Again

After a quick lunch at Chipotle, we looked at a few places that were definitely misses. One place was just too tiny, one place looked and smelled like someone may have died there, and the last had a creepy landlord. I only knew one of one other place to look and was hoping that would be acceptable. We pulled into a neighborhood that rented condos and townhomes. I really wasn't looking to take on that much responsibility right now, but I was feeling desperate.

I could tell Melanie was exhausted, with the party planning and her preoccupation with Garrett, and was starting to get a bit restless.

"I promise this is the last place for today. If I don't like this one, I'll have to take to the Internet to find something."

"Or you could just stay at home."

I shot her a warning glance.

"Melanie, you know I can't do that. Honestly I don't even understand how you and dad can stay there. I just feel haunted by mom everywhere I look. If it's not her absence, it's the fact that it looks exactly how it did when she was still here. Her writing still on the chalkboard in the kitchen, her records still sitting in the den, it's just too much for me. And living on my own in Portland was just so refreshing, I finally felt like an adult."

She frowned and got out of the car. I knew she didn't want me to move out, aside from the year we'd spent apart, our rooms had always been right next to each other and when she couldn't sleep or needed my opinion on an outfit or needed help with something, I was always right there. But deep down I knew she understood why I needed this.

We walked up the sidewalk to the leasing office and entered the building. A woman named Tracy greeted us from the desk and set us up with the realtor. Joan was a nice looking older woman, probably in her mid-fifties, who talked faster than she walked. She grabbed the keys to one of the available condos and led the way to it.

I walked through the front door and instantly knew this was going to be my new home. There was a large living room with a beautiful eat in kitchen directly behind it. Upstairs there was a master suite with two small bedrooms across the hall. I looked over at Melanie and could see that she was just as impressed with it as I was.

"I'll take it. When can I move in?"

We followed Joan back to the office to sort out the appropriate paperwork. I was moving in in just a week and I couldn't be more excited.

The drive home was a quiet one, the only noise being my iPod. When we pulled up to the house I noticed Kennedy sitting on the front porch with my dad. My father loved him, he always jokingly asked why it wasn't the two of us together rather than John, but he knew that we'd been friends for way too long to even consider it.

As I walked up the sidewalk to the front door, my phone rang; it was Sean. I answered and motioned for Kennedy to hold on as I went into the house to take the call.

"Hey baby, how's everything going?" I asked nervously.

"It's not looking good Char. She still hasn't woke up, she's been in a coma for over 24 hours. Apparently she has a really bad head injury, plus a few broken ribs and a broken arm. It was a fucking drunk driver, Charlie. I don't know how someone could be so stupid and careless to drive like that. God, I can't believe this." The sadness in his voice quickly turned to anger as he talked about what had landed his sister in the hospital.

I felt guilty, like somehow my relapse last night had something to do with this, but I knew that was ridiculous. I couldn't shake the feeling that he was still mad about it, but it wasn't really a big deal right now in the grand scheme of things.

After a few more minutes of distracted conversation, he told me he was going back to his parents house to take a nap. I reluctantly got off of the couch and headed back out to greet Kennedy.

Upon seeing me, the boy stood and wrapped me in a hug. At his touch, I let out a breath I hadn't even known I was holding. After a few more moments, we sat beside each other on the glider on the front porch.

"So tomorrow.." he trailed off. I didn't want to think about tomorrow. Tomorrow was the anniversary of my mother's accident. The day she left us for good.

"God Kennedy I can't believe it's been a year. I mean so much has happened in that time but it's still so surreal."

He looked over at me, a mix of concern and sadness on his features.

"What would you say to a jam session tonight, ya know to get your mind off of things.. I mean that's only if you're feeling up to it."

I contemplated this, on one hand I didn't want to spend the time with John, but I did miss singing and playing the guitar with my best friends and god knows I could use the distraction.

"When and where?"

Kennedy grinned, "Halvos, around 6:30?"

"Sounds great Ken, I think I'm gonna go take a nap before though. I'm exhausted from this morning."

"What happened this morning?"

"Oh you know the usual, early morning bike ride out to our spot, apartment hunting with Mel, signing the lease on a condo in town.."

Kennedy gasped and looked over at me excitedly.

"You mean you're back for good?! And you're getting your own place? Jesus Charlie, I'm so happy for you."

I walked Kennedy back to his car and promised he'd see me later. I went up to my room and climbed out to my roof. I lit a cigarette and sat on the warm brick soaking up the Arizona sun. When I had finished, I put out the cigarette in the little ashtray I'd set out here for occasions like this. I briefly thought back to the last time I was out here before I'd left. John and I had been avoiding the rest of the gang, I didn't want the company, and he wouldn't leave my side. We'd spent the afternoon in bed, enjoying each others company and each other's bodies.

"God, I could look at you like this forever," he mused.

I was wearing a ratty old Tom Petty t-shirt and shorts. My hair was piled on top of my head in a sloppy top knot. I scrunched my nose at him.

"John I'm a mess. Inside and out," I added quietly.

He scooted closer to to me and wrapped his long arm around my shoulder. He grabbed the half empty Jack Daniels bottle out of my hand and sat it on my windowsill.

"Babe you could wear a potato sack and I'd still think you were gorgeous."

I blushed and turned away from him. I felt terrible right now. The funeral was just a few days ago, I had been drinking to try to numb the pain but that wasn't really working, and I had just gotten word that the photography internship I had applied for had accepted my application and I'd be leaving in a little over two weeks. I'd told John I put the application in, but I still hadn't told him I would be leaving. I figured now was as good a time to tell him as any.

"Babe I need to tell you something."

He looked worried, but tried to cover it with a goofy grin.

"Go for it darlin."

"You know that internship I was telling you about? Well, I got accepted and I leave in about two weeks."

He looked absolutely bummed and that made me feel even worse. I reached out for the bottle of Jack but he blocked my hand.

"Well darlin I'm happy for you if this is what you want."

I could tell deep down he didn't mean it. He'd been so worried about me that these past couple of weeks, and I was sure he didn't like the idea of me being hundreds of miles away from my friends, family, and him. After a few awkward moments of silence, he sighed before continuing.

"I just wish you didn't have to go by yourself. I don't like the idea of you being alone. And I really don't like the idea of being without you. But I do know us, and I know we'll make it through this."

Not wanting to talk about it anymore, I leaned in to connect our lips.

I shook the thought away, not wanting to think about how great things were with John. I knew that it was for the best, but it was hard. Plus I had Sean, and things were pretty good with him. I climbed back into my room and into bed, and tried to think of something other than the men in my life.

***

I rolled over around 6pm and decided I'd go ahead and get ready to make my way over to Halvo's. I glanced at my phone and saw a missed call from Sean, but no message so I decided it could probably wait. I felt a little bad, he was probably looking for support, but I was really in no place to give it right now.

I walked into my closet to pick an outfit for tonight, and once I was satisfied I grabbed my guitar and headed downstairs.

"Well don't you look pretty?" my dad mused from the couch.

I smiled and leaned down to give him a kiss on the cheek.

"Thanks daddy, I'm headed to Halvo's, I probably won't be back before you go to bed."

We said our goodbyes and I headed out the door.

The drive to Eric's was a short one, and by the time I arrived, most of the guys were already there.

"Charlie! I've missed jammin with you," Halvo greeted with a hug.

I found a free spot on the loveseat in his cramped living room and messed around with a few melodies on my old guitar. I hadn't realized it, but I hadn't picked up my guitar once when I was in Portland. Maybe it was too hard, seeing as my mother inspired my love for it and John had taught me to play.

I found my fingers strumming a familiar tune, it was John and I's song. I abruptly stopped playing and Nick glanced at me.

"He's on his way." he said, reading my mind.

I didn't know how to feel about seeing him after last night. I didn't know whether to feel angry or sad. On one hand, it was heartbreaking to hear those words - to know that my leaving had caused him that much pain. But to put all of that out there in front of all of our friends was pretty ballsy and honestly felt like a low blow.

I went into the kitchen and grabbed a beer. I could definitely use the liquid courage right now, and I could control myself. As terrible as I felt to thinking it, it was nice to be able to do this without being under Sean's disapproving gaze.

I heard the front door open and instantly knew it'd be John walking through the door. My suspicions were verified when his lanky frame made its way into the kitchen.

"Hey Charlie." John said, avoiding my eyes.

"John." I said curtly, deciding anger was the route I was going to take after last night. I brushed past him and returned to my spot next to Nick who was singing Free Fallin'. I picked up my guitar and when Nick finished the song, I began to play an acoustic version of one of my mom's favorites.

"I keep a close watch on this heart of mine, I keep my eyes wide open all the time, I keep the ends out for the tie that binds. Because you're mine, I walk the line.

I find it very, very easy to be true, I find myself alone when each day is through. Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you, because you're mine, I walk the line.

As sure as night is dark and day is light, I keep you on my mind both day and night. And happiness I've known proves that it's right, because you're mine, I walk the line.

You've got a way to keep me on your side, you give me cause for love that I can't hide. For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide, because you're mine, I walk the line.

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine, I keep my eyes wide open all the time, I keep the ends out for the tie that binds, because you're mine, I walk the line.

Somewhere in the last chorus I started to cry, and upon finishing I rushed out to Eric's backyard. I lit a cigarette and willed myself to calm down.

It was crazy to think that it'd been a year without her. I constantly thought about the real reason we'd fought that day. Only her and I knew the truth. I hadn't told John or even Melanie. It was too hard. She'd been angry with me because she figured out that I was pregnant, she said it was mother's intuition, and she thought I should get rid of it.

At the time, we'd been arguing about it for almost a week, I couldn't fathom the thought of getting rid of the tiny cluster of cells that was partially John and partially me. I was excited and I welcomed it, which yes, looking back at it, it was terrible timing but it still hurt terribly to think back to the doctor's appointment, ironically the day after moms accident, where I was told there was no heartbeat.

Nobody knew that at Moms funeral I was not only mourning her, but the life that should've been but never was.

I snapped out of my thoughts when I heard the door click open, silently praying it wasn't John. Thankfully it was Mellie, but seeing her I started to sob.

She hurried to the spot next to me and wrapped her arms around me. "Oh my god, Charlie, what's wrong?"

I sat for a few minutes in my sister's arms, contemplating my next move. Did I lie and just pass it off as missing mom, or do I tell her the truth? I took a deep breath and decided to tell her the truth. She held my hand as I spoke, the only sounds coming from her being gasps, "oh my gods," and "I'm so sorrys."

When I finished, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I lit another cigarette when Melanie stood up.

"You've got to tell him, Charlie. He deserves to know."

I knew she was right, but it was so hard for me to even come to terms with it myself, much less tell her.

"I know I do. But I can't right now. I'm so emotionally drained between last night, Sean leaving, and the anniversary coming up. I promise I will tell him soon."

"Well okay. I'll go in and try to distract the boys so you can clean yourself up and join the party!"

I took another long drag from my cigarette and decided that I needed to call it a night. i wiped my eyes and prayed that my face wasn't a total mess before making my way back into the living room.

I knew nobody was going to question me, they all probably thought that I was just getting emotional about tomorrow because of mom.

"Guys, I think I'm gonna call it a night, I promise I won't be this lame next time," I said with a half-hearted smile.

I said my goodbyes and gave hugs, but when I got to John he was avoiding my gaze. I really couldn't handle anymore heartache today, so I just let it go.

Upon getting into my Jeep I realized that I'd left my phone plugged into the charger. I had two missed calls and a message from Sean. I pressed play on the voicemail preparing myself for what he could have to say.

"Charlotte, it's me. Sarah passed away earlier this evening, call me as soon as you find the time."

He sounded completely lifeless and pissed off.
I mean I really couldn't blame him, I wasn't available when he needed me. I felt terrible, but listening to that voicemail made me realize that I just didn't have it in me to be there for him. I felt like a horrible person, but I knew I needed to put myself first.

As I dialed his number I felt my stomach drop, I wasn't prepared for his reaction. It rang twice and losing my nerve I was about to hang up but then he answered.

"Oh you've finally found it fit to call your boyfriend back?"

I couldn't help but roll my eyes.

"Sean, I'm sorry I accidentally left my phone in my car. How are you doing?"

"Well let's see Charlie, I just lost my sister and my girlfriend couldn't be bothered to make sure she had her cellphone on her. You were with John weren't you?"

I couldn't believe that he was taking the time to be bitter right now. He knew that I of all people knew what it was like to lose a family member, it was absolute hell. I tried to understand, he was just lashing out because he was hurting. And I was about to make it worse.

"That's not fair Sean. I went over to Halvos because Kennedy thought it would help get my mind off of tomorrow. I know exactly what you're going through, I lost my mom exactly a year ago. You don't have to take it out on me."

"God Charlie, it's always about you isn't it? You can't just be here for me, hell I thought you'd come back to Portland to be with me but you're too preoccupied with yourself to care. I can't do this anymore, we're done."

Before I could say anything else, the line went dead.

Tears immediately sprang to my eyes, despite the fact that this was what I wanted. I didn't understand how he could be so cruel after everything we'd been through. I almost turned back around to go back to Halvos and talk to Mel but decided it could wait and I parked my car. I headed to my room and collapsed onto my bed, I was more than ready for this day to be over.