Let's Just Fall in Love Again

When I rolled over the next morning I definitely did not want to get out of bed. I looked at my alarm clock noting that it was only 5:53. I knew there was no use in trying to get back to sleep, my mind was already racing about how the day would go.

I got out of bed and threw on an old tshirt and some shorts and made my way downstairs to make myself some tea. As I hit the bottom step I noticed that the light was on in the office. I gently pushed the door open and saw my dad asleep on my mom's desk chair, using her light blue cardigan as his pillow.

A few tears spilled from my eyes as I shut the door, guilt and pain coursing through me.

I continued to the kitchen and put the kettle on the stove and sat quietly until it was ready.

I hated myself for still being angry with my mom. I wanted nothing more than to think of the good times, like when we went to Disneyland for my 7th birthday or when she comforted me when I had my first breakup. But all I could think about was her reaction to my pregnancy and the fact that however far-fetched it sounded, I blamed her for my miscarriage.

I finished my tea around 6:30 and went back upstairs to get ready for the day. I put my phone on my dock and played my favorite playlist and turn on my shower. I let the water, as hot as I could stand it, pummel my tired body for as long as I could take it.

When I walked back into my room, clad in just a towel, John was sitting on my bed.

I didn't know what to think or say, I just stood in the doorway awkwardly, and waited for him to say something.

"Mornin' Charlie."

I couldn't say that I was entirely surprised to see him here, he was there for the worst of it all last year and he knew how hard this day was going to be for me. Well, he only knew part of it, but it was enough.

"John, what're you doing here? It's not even eight yet, and I know you're not a morning person," I joked lightly, hoping the heaviness that filled the room would soon dissipate.

He stood from his place at the foot of my bed and wrapped his arms around me. It was a strange sensation. So familiar, yet different somehow.

Still holding me close he whispered, "Because I knew you needed me."

The tears that had been welling, waiting behind my eyes finally spilled over completely.

"You have no idea."

***

John waited downstairs, making conversation with my dad as I finished getting ready. I applied minimal makeup, knowing it was basically pointless but a small part of me still felt the need to look good for John. It was silly, I knew, but I did it anyway.

When I finally made my way back downstairs, my dad stood and pulled me aside into the office.

"Baby, I just want you to know how proud of you I am for how you've handled yourself this past year. You and Mellie amaze me every single day with how resilient you are. I gotta say, it hurt when you left to go to Portland but I completely understand why you had to go. But I am so happy you're back. John is too," he grinned when he said the last part, and I could feel my cheeks heating up.

"Thank you daddy, it means a lot to hear you say that. I'm happy I'm back too, I'm here for good now, nothing's tying me to Portland anymore."

I knew that was enough for him to know that things ended with Sean, and I was thankful, because I didn't really have it in me to talk about that right now.

"Well, John's waiting, he wants to take you to breakfast, so I won't keep you any longer. I just wanted you to know that I love you. Keep your head up today baby girl."

I smiled at the childhood nickname and hugged him hard.

We said our goodbyes and I followed John out to his old truck. I was hit with a heavy dose of nostalgia when I slid into the passenger seat and couldn't help but smile at all the good times we'd shared together in here. Our first kiss, countless night of driving around aimlessly, nights of lovemaking in a nest of blankets in the bed of the truck. Actually, now that I thought about it, our would’ve been child was conceived in the bed of this truck. Upon that thought, I knew today was the day that I had to tell John the truth.

Lost in my own head, I hadn’t even realized that we’d pulled into the Waffle House parking lot. John always used to tease me about my love for this place, but today, he didn’t say a word. We walked into the restaurant silently and sat in the corner booth.

My favorite waitress, Phyllis took our orders and scurried away to grab our drinks.

“So, Char, what’s new?”

He knew I wasn’t good at talking through my emotions, so he was trying to start out with something not so heavy. I definitely appreciated that.

“Well, I’m moving into a condo this weekend, and Sean broke up with me last night.”

He looked uncomfortable about the last part, I knew he was internally grappling between a shit-eating grin and trying to be supportive. Instead, he just said, “Oh?”

I chuckled and rolled my eyes, “It’s okay to be glad about that. He was nothing but an asshole the whole time he was here, and he dumped me over the phone like it was nothing. Honestly, it was for the better,” I trailed off.

We made mindless conversation; about music he was working on, my photography, anything really, which flowed steadily as we ate our meals. As we finished, we just kind of sat there in a comfortable silence.

I glanced up him from where I was absentmindedly playing with the menu, he was looking at me patiently, almost lovingly.

I took a deep breath, deciding that if I didn’t tell him now, I was going to chicken out.

“John, I need to tell you something. Something I’ve been keeping from you for a year now.”

He nodded, signaling for me to go on.

“Before you hate me, I want you to know that I didn’t tell you because I was angry and upset at myself and honestly, I didn’t even tell anyone. Hell, I haven’t told a soul except for Mellie and that was just last night. So please don’t think that you’re the last to know because that’s the furthest thing from the truth.” Tears were already falling from my cheeks, and John looked absolutely confused.

“Charlie, you gotta slow down. What are you even talking about?”

I wiped my eyes with a napkin and then grabbed his hands in mine.

“Do you remember our last Valentine's Day?”

His eyes lit up at the memory as he grinned and nodded, and I couldn’t help but smile a little, because it truly was one of my favorite memories I’d ever shared with John.

He’d sent me on the most ridiculous scavenger hunt that led me to the bed of his truck parked in our favorite spot in the desert. He’d set up candles and blankets and rose petals, and dinner was our usual from In-and-Out and beer. As cheesy as it sounded, it was the most romantic thing he’d ever done for me. We ended up making love in the bed of his truck, like we had many times before, and slept under the stars.

“John, I got pregnant that night.”

I looked back at him, and I couldn't read his face which made me nervous, considering I could almost always tell what he was thinking. He didn’t say a word, he just sat there silently drawing invisible shapes on the table top. A few minutes went by and when he finally looked up at me, he was crying.

“Baby, how did you keep that to yourself? Seeing as we have no kid, that means you-” he stopped short, not wanting to say aloud what he already knew.

“Is that why you left me?” he asked, sadness dripping from his tone.

By this point, I was beside myself, almost sobbing. It was such a relief to get that off of my chest after all of this time. I was relieved that he knew me well enough to know that I’d miscarried and not opted for an abortion and I was thrilled that he didn’t get mad at me. If he had though, I would have completely understood. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down before speaking again.

“I was so excited when I found out I was pregnant. The thought of a little tiny human, a perfect mix of the two of us, was just amazing to me. I didn’t care that we were young, or that we weren’t married, I just knew that I loved you and I’d love this child. So I guess when I told you that no one but Mellie knew, I was lying. My mom knew. But I never told her, she just sort of figured it out. And we’d done nothing but fight about it until she was gone. A fight til the death if you will.”

John frowned at my attempt at dark humor, but looked at me expectantly to continue.

“I wanted nothing more than to keep the baby and start a life with you. She thought I was too young, and that it wouldn’t work out with your touring schedule, so she was pressuring me to get an abortion. I couldn’t do it John, you know me. But the day after the accident, remember how I snuck away for a few hours? I had a doctors appointment, and there was no heartbeat. I was completely heartbroken, beside myself, because the future that I’d mapped out in my head for me, for us, shattered in an instant.”

I looked at him, sitting there across from me with tear-stained cheeks, and waited for him to say something. Instead, he stood up, handed the waitress some cash and grabbed my hand, leading me out to the truck.

We sat in silence for a moment before he turned toward me and cupped my face in his hands.

“Charlie, none of that; your mom or the baby, was your fault. I know it sounds cliche, but darlin’ everything happens for a reason. Not that it makes it fair or alright but it’s the truth.”

He kissed my forehead before facing forward and continuing, “It’s all making sense now, why you left. And I don’t blame you for it, hell, if it was me I probably would have done the same thing. But what I don’t understand is why you ended us, why you didn’t tell me sooner.”

I sat for a moment, trying to figure out how I was going to be able to say this without hurting him.

“When I first moved, I did nothing but drink and feel sorry for myself. In some twisted way I blamed my mom for what happened, like she magically went to heaven and decided to take the baby away from me. And when I realized that that was as dumb as it sounded, I started blaming you. If I hadn’t been with you, I would have never even had a baby to lose. I would have never been fighting with my mom, and maybe she’d still be here. I started to resent you and feel extremely guilty about it, I wouldn’t want to answer when you called, I didn’t want to think about you because that would just make me think of everything else. So at that time, I thought I was doing you a favor. If I’d just broken up with you and never told you the truth, you’d never have to feel the hurt that I felt and maybe I could move on. But as soon as I saw you last week when I got home, I knew that wasn’t going to be possible. I love you too much.”

By the time I’d finished talking, we’d pulled back into my driveway. He got out of the truck and came over to open my door, and as soon as my feet were on the ground his arms were around me.

“I’m so sorry,” he cried into my shoulder, “It all makes much better sense now baby, and I’m so sorry that I’ve been nothing but an asshole since you’ve been back. I’m sorry that you had to go through that alone, even if you thought that it was for the best. I’m not gonna lie, it hurts to hear you say some of those things, but I feel like the old Charlie is finally back, and I’m gonna be here for you, whether you want me here or not.”