Dolce Vita

He was breathing but it didn't feel like oxygen was getting to his lungs. His body was shaking and as he pushed his way through people and objects in hallways he felt his legs get weak. He had tunnel vision as he raced toward the exit of the hospital, the cool air shocking his system but not enough to pull him back to reality. His feet carried him around a corner before he collapsed against the concrete sidewalk and he emptied the contents of his stomach onto the road.

Once he was certain his stomach was done flipping and pushing it's contents out to the surface Roman leaned down and put his head on the concrete sidewalk, his hands on the back of his neck as he focused on his breathing. In and out. Nice and slow. In through the nose out through the mouth. Focus. Breathe. Calm down.

The moment he lifted his head his stomach lurched again and he was puking for a second time. After a long time he made sure his heart wasn't racing, his stomach wasn't betraying him and he could stand on his legs without feeling like Bambi as if he might fall over at any given moment before he walked over to the bench by the entrance and put his head in his hands.

Inside the hospital Kim was sitting with Riley and Shea, none of them spoke a word to each other. They all looked up as a group of the guys walked into the waiting room, Seth at the front of the pack. Kim got up and walked over to him, she had yet to stop crying and it only got worse as she walked toward him. All she did was shake her head before practically collapsing into his chest, and all he could do was wrap his arms around her and run his hand over her hair. He shook his head at the look Colin was giving him, and then glanced at Shea and Riley. Shea had his eyes closed, leaning forward on his knees while Riley rubbed her hand on his back and tried to keep her tears at bay.

"Where is he?" Seth asked softly as Kim pulled away from him and used her sleeve to wipe at her face.

"I don't know. He just took off." She told him, turning away from him to wipe under her eyes and push her hair from her face.

She dropped into her chair as Riley told them, "I think he needed some air."

Seth nodded slowly, and took the empty chair next to Abby as the rest of the guys found their own seats as well. He slid his hand into Kim's, giving it a squeeze as if to silently say he was there.

Fifteen minutes later Roman walked back into the waiting room and Kim jumped from her chair and practically ran across the room. His eyes were bloodshot, his hair was standing up on end and the knees of his jeans were covered in dirt. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him into her, and he wound his own arms around her waist, pushed his face into her neck and they both clung to each other while the rest of the waiting room watched them.

They stayed like that for several minutes, before Kim pulled back and asked him, "What happened?"

"I don't know. I just I couldn't stay in here I needed… I just…" He couldn't talk, his words sounded weird and his voice sounded foreign.

Kim located Sloane's Dr and pulled Roman along with her toward him, instantly asking him, "What happened?"

He glanced at her wearily and then over to Roman, who nodded as an approval that he could speak in front of Kim. Roman was afraid to hear this without Kim there, he wasn't sure he would even hear half of what the Dr said let alone retain it.

"The baby went without oxygen for too long, he was already gone by the time we even got in there." He was looking directly at Roman when he said this, probably hoping it would comfort him somehow.

"And Sloane?" Kim asked, her voice shaking.

Roman put his arm around her as the Dr told them, "She lost a lot of blood and we weren't able to stop the bleeding. Despite numerous efforts we were unable to resuscitate her."

Roman felt her deflate against him, a loud breath of air slipping past her lips. He didn't give himself the chance to react to those words, it was easier for him to shut his emotions off and roll through the motions than to break down and be useless for the people around him. Once Kim found her voice again she asked, "Why did this happen? I mean there has to be a reason right? This doesn't just happen at random does it?"

"We believe that there was a significant decrease in amniotic fluid which can often lead to placental abruption." He told them, and when Kim reached for Roman again he pulled her against his chest, wrapped both arms around her and the Dr told them, "This is not a common complication of pregnancy, and there's no way you could have seen it coming."

Roman nearly scoffed, as if that was supposed to help them make sense of all of this. Like knowing those two things would make it better, would make this okay. This wasn't okay, it wasn't going to be better and he was never going to understand this.

Across the waiting room Seth asked, "What do we do?"

Shea spoke softly, "I don't know. What can we do?"

Riley was the only one to offer up a solution, "We are going to make sure they're okay, and then we're going to get in our cars and go home."

"We're just gonna leave?" Colin asked her in surprise as the rest of the guys turned their attention to her, including Shea.

She nodded, "They need time to process this and to go through their emotions and learn to deal with it. The best we can do right now is be there for them, but not here and not now."

"So what? Do we check up on him? I mean how long do we… what's the right time frame for this? How do we be there for him without being over bearing and making it worse?" Colin asked her, and everyone watched as she sighed and pushed her hand through her hair, unsure of how to answer that.

Finally she told them, "He's gonna need time to himself. I think the best thing for any of us to do is let him figure this out himself. This isn't gonna be something he deals with over night, this is gonna be something he carries with him for the rest of his life. He's gonna struggle a lot and he's gonna need a lot of support but he needs to be with Kim right now. The two of them will help each other."

"How do you know what to say?" Shea asked her curiously, impressed by her words.

She shrugged and said, "I've just been thinking. About what I'd do if I was in his position. If it was you and I wouldn't want to be around lots of people I'd want to be able to figure out how to breathe again on my own."

As Roman and Kim approached them again everyone got up. There were hugs, condolences offered, Roman watched as Seth hugged Kim and she clung to him tightly and in a pathetic attempt to distract himself from his life he wondered when the two of them had gotten so close. Had he really been so wrapped up in his own life with Sloane and the baby that he never noticed their growing friendship?

He clenched his jaw as Riley and Shea stood before them. While Riley comforted Kim Shea and Roman stared at each other, neither of them comfortable in this situation. Finally Shea reached out and pulled him into a hug, telling him firmly, "I'm around, don't hesitate to call."

Roman nodded and he was aware that his emotions were going to be harder to keep at bay when Riley stood up on her tip toes and wrapped her arms around him in a tight, comforting hug. He was slow to hug her back but eventually he did, and as he rested his forehead against her shoulder she spoke softly to him, "Don't go through this by yourself okay? We're all here for you, and any time you need anything our doors always open okay? Even if you just need a meal or a place to crash when you're feeling a little overwhelmed."

"Thank you." He hoped it sounded sincere, that his voice didn't betray his emotions. He wasn't sure how to put words together to form a sentence right now let alone express his feelings of gratitude in the midst of all the other emotions he had been feeling.

Riley nodded as she pulled away from him, she rubbed his forearms and told him, "Anytime."

Once they left and Kim and Roman were alone again he looked over at Kim, who was looking up at him, and asked, "Where do we go from here?"

She shrugged her shoulders and said, "I don't know… home I guess."

"I meant that…" He couldn't finish his sentence. He meant it metephorically. He didn't know how to go on, how to move on, how to live now.

Kim nodded, "I know. I just don't know the answer to that question yet."

They were interrupted by a nurse who walked over carrying a bag of stuff, she approached them apprehensively and said softly, "I just wanted to make sure you got this before you left."

It was all Sloane's belongings. Her clothes, phone, a few pieces of jewelry and whatever else she had on her at the time she walked into the hospital. It was another sucker punch to the gut that reminded Roman that she wasn't coming home with him, that he was leaving by himself.

Kim looked away from the bag and to Roman as he said, "Her family."

It had just dawned on him that he didn't know how to contact them to tell them this. Not that he knew what to tell them in the first place. How did you just pick up the phone and give people you don't know the worst news of their life?

Kim grabbed his hand in a show of comfort and told him, "I'll call them."

"You shouldn't have to do that."

She shook her head, "It's okay. I want to. They should probably hear it from me… I'm sorry."

"It's okay. You're right, they know you." He told her gently, forcing a smile on his face as he gave her hand a squeeze as they slowly walked toward the elevator together.

"Are you gonna be okay tonight?" Kim asked him as they stepped off the elevator and walked through the halls to find the parking lot.

Roman looked down at her and nodded slowly before telling her, "I'll be fine."

"It's okay if you're not, you know." She said, watching as he looked away from her.

They walked in silence, Roman walking Kim to her car. They stood outside the drivers side door in silence for a long time before he asked her softly, "You'll be okay?"

"I don't think I'll ever be okay, but you don't have to worry about me right now Roman." When he shot her a look she gave him a smile and told him, "Really you don't. I'm just gonna go home and call her parents and then try to get some sleep."

"Okay." He said with a nod and as she opened the car door to get inside he told her, "Just… call if you need anything."

"You too." With that she got into her car and Roman stood in front of it as she backed out of her spot and left the parking lot.

Slowly he walked to his own car, and sat in the passenger seat. He put his head down on the steering wheel and for the first time all evening he left himself go. His entire body shook as he gripped the steering wheel, for the second time that evening it felt like air wasn't getting to his lungs and his chest felt like it had an elephant on it. He couldn't stop the tears, and his in an attempt to do something other than cry he started to bang his fists against the dashboard of his vehicle.

He had never wished so much that he could turn back time. He would take never getting to know Sloane the way he had been to losing her the way he did today. He could wrap his head around the why. Why this? Why now? Why them? Why her?

Mostly he couldn't stop himself from thinking this was all his fault. It was he who had gotten her pregnant in the first place and if she hadn't been pregnant this never would have happened. None of this would have happened. She would still be here.

His eyes moved over to the bag in the passenger seat, where her possessions sat zipped inside. He ripped the bag open and emptied the contents into his lap. He tossed her phone back into the bag first, then there was the ring she always wore on her index finger, and the chain with the cross she hung around her neck, her wallet which was stuffed full of receipts and appointment cards Roman didn't even want to touch and finally there was a folded up picture. He unfolded it and felt his chest heave.

Sloane was sitting between himself and Kim, both of whom had their hands on her large stomach, smiling widely at the camera. It had been taken only a week previous, he knew it had been Riley who took the picture at the end of the baby shower and it was Roman who demanded that Kim got in on one of the pictures as well.

They all looked so happy, especially Sloane, who was looking down at the tiny jersey sitting on her stomach with a content smile on her face.

Roman was suddenly aware of the fact that he would never touch that stomach again, he would never feel the baby kick against his hands, he would never spend hours late at night sharing life wisdom with the life inside the beautiful girl sleeping next to him.

He was also suddenly aware of the fact that while all those things hurt nothing felt as awful as the fact that he would never see her smile again, he would never kiss the beauty mark on the side of her nose again, or hear her giggle, that he would never look into those brown eyes or tell her he loves her. If he could do one thing over again it would be to tell her he loved her every waking second of every day.

He grabbed his phone, and called her cell phone. It rang from the bag on the seat beside him and he waited patiently until he heard the line click and her voice say, "You've reached Sloane. Leave a message or...whatever."

He hung up and called again and he did that for nearly twenty minutes. He couldn't stop himself from calling, listening to the message, hanging up and then calling again and repeating his steps. He needed to hear her voice.

He did that until eventually he hung up and hurled his phone out of the empty drivers side window of his vehicle. He watched it shatter as it hit the pavement before he turned the car on and drove home. Not that it was much of a home now anyway.

It dawned on him as he drove that he would have to go through her things. Her belongings, her car, all the baby stuff… he didn't know what he was supposed to do with any of it.

He couldn't stop thinking of her in the moments before everything crashed down around him. Her words, the way she sounded, did her nose wrinkle when she laughed like it usually did?

I love the little life that we've made no matter how backward, unconventional or untraditional we did it.