Dolce Vita

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me.”

For what seemed like the hundredth time that morning Roman had to tune out of whatever the pastor was saying as he stood behind the while coffin. He was holding an open book but he wasn’t reading from it, and for a fraction of a second Roman wondered how many times a week he did this. Or was it daily?

He was hot and uncomfortable, they had been outside in a cemetery for nearly two hours, the sun was out he was in all black and his eyes were staring to hurt. Not to mention that aside from Kim he knew absolutely no one around him, he hadn’t even really been formally introduced to Sloane’s family. Yet as his eyes fell on the shiny white box a mere ten feet in front of him he realized he had absolutely no right to be complaining about how he felt.

Letting out a breath of air he stuffed his hands into his pockets as Kim slipped her hand discretely under his suit jacket and rubbed his back through his dress shirt. He wanted to reach out to her and offer her some sort of comfort but he didn’t. He stood still and quiet and staring directly ahead like he had been since they got here. It was the only thing he could do; if he focused on breathing it hurt too much, if he talked he cried, if he looked at her family he was struck with such guilt he could barely stand and if he even thought of Sloane’s sixteen year old sister who was a mere fifteen feet away from him it was like getting sucker punched in the gut. When she had first come downstairs when Roman and Kim arrived his legs nearly gave out underneath him and he couldn’t remember how to breathe. She was almost an exact replica of Sloane, maybe a little taller and with lighter hair but it was like looking at Sloane and it killed him.

He still wondered if it was best for everyone involved if he hadn’t come, but when he voiced this to Kim she looked at him with wide, sad eyes and told him that he belonged there and that he needed to be there for Sloane. When even that didn’t convince him she told him that she needed him there, lately it seemed the only way to get Roman to do anything was if she made it about what she needed. It was so much easier for him to focus on Kim and making sure she was okay than it was to really deal with his own problems. Out of sight out of mind, right?

Kim pulled him back to reality by rubbing his back again, gaining his attention. Sometime between the last time he had been attentively present and now the funeral had come to an end and people were leaving. He wordlessly followed Kim back to his vehicle, climbing into the driver’s seat and pulling away from the curb while following her direction. Halfway back to the house he pulled into a grocery store parking lot and put the car in park in the far back of the lot. He shoved his door open and turned sideways, leaning his elbows on his knees, head in his hands and closed his eyes.

He was vaguely aware of the passenger door opening and Kim getting out of the car but the only thing he could concentrate on was trying to get full breaths into his lungs. In and out. Nice and slow. Breathe. Breathe. Just breathe.

His heart slowed from its racing pace when Kim out her hand on his shoulder and spoke softly, telling him, “We don’t have to go back to the house. We can just go back to Nashville now.”

“That’s not fair.” He meant to her, she knew it but his words were cut short as his voice went up a few octaves and he shut his mouth quickly to keep himself from losing it completely.

“What about any of this is fair Roman?” She asked him, her own voice raised enough that he looked up at her in surprise. In the last week Kim had kept her cool, sure she cried a lot and always, always looked sad but she had never raised her voice or lost it. At least not around him. Still, instead of letting him say anything in response Kim continued, “None of this is fair. None of this is right. I mean did you see her mother? As per usual it’s gotta be the Karen show.”

“She lost her daughter Kim.” He wasn’t exactly Karen’s biggest fan, he was sure he had probably made that very clear by staying as far away from the woman as he could get but that didn’t mean he didn’t sympathize for her.

Kim however was having none of it and she shook her head violently and said, “You don’t know her like I do. After all she said and did and put Sloane through she doesn’t get to stand there and sob like she didn’t lose her daughter months ago. That’s not right and it’s not okay.”

Roman sighed, Kim was just saying what they had both been thinking. Sure, on some level he was sure Karen really was upset but Kim was right, she lost Sloane a long time ago and after everything she put Sloane through he wasn’t sure he could really ever forgive her. Then again, maybe it was different, maybe it wasn’t about losing Sloane. For a moment Roman thought about the few times Sloane had talked to him about her mother and her childhood and he wondered if maybe the reason Karen had been so upset was because it wasn’t on her terms. She had spent months perfectly executing this plan to get what she wanted only for it to end this way.

Before he could stop it a smile stretched across his face and when Kim raised her eyebrow, giving him a leery look like he might just be insane he told her, “Leave it to Sloane to go and die in a way that wasn’t on her mom’s perfectly laid out list.”

Kim let out a snort before she warned him, “Watch it. Sloane watched Ghost enough to figure out how to Patrick Swayze her way around the other side. She might just strangle you with your tie.”

Before either of them knew it they were both laughing loudly, Kim leaning against the side of the vehicle for support as Roman kept his elbows on his knees as their bodies shook with laughter. They probably looked crazy, or at the very least they looked as crazy as they felt, to passerby’s by what else was new?

They continued to laugh for nearly five minutes, it wasn’t even that anything was particularly funny either. IT was everything they had been through in the last week built up that came bubbling out in the form of laughter. Laughter so hard that they were crying and their stomachs hurt. But laughter seemed to be the only thing that made things better, made them forget why they were in the middle of a parking lot wearing black clothes in sixty degree weather even if it was only for a few minutes.

Finally, when neither of them could laugh any longer and they became silent Kim looked and him and told him honestly, “She really loved you. I hope you know that.”

He nodded slowly and spoke softly, “I hope she knew I felt the same.”

“She did.” Kim informed him, giving his shoulder a squeeze before walking around the front of the vehicle and getting into the passenger seat again.

As she was buckling her seatbelt Roman told her, “You’re gonna have to tell me how to get to the house again.”

She smiled and was glad he wanted to go to the wake now before they had to be back in Nashville and she pointed to the exit of the parking lot. It took fifteen minutes but eventually Roman pulled up to the curb by the sidewalk leading to Sloane’s parents house. They walked inside together, side by side and Kim gave his arm a squeeze to let him know she wasn’t going anywhere as she guided him through the house.

Looking up at Roman Kim asked, “When do we have to be back on the road?”

“By four.” He told her, watching as she reached out and grabbed his hand to look at his watch, it was quarter to two now.

“You’re not staying?” Tony asked in surprise, shooting Austin a look as the two brothers stopped in front of Roman and Kim. Austin immediately reached down and pulled Kim into a tight hug, before the tall brunette looked at Roman. The two stared at each other in silence for a few seconds before Austin reached out and half hugged him in that weird way guys do.

Roman didn’t know what to say to Tony, he had never felt more comfortable in his life. It was clear that Tony was less than impressed that Roman was just blowing in and out of town for the funeral as if it were a pit stop during his otherwise busy day. Roman had thought of that occasionally over the last day and a half as well. Kim, sensing his apprehensiveness saved him by saying, “I have to work tomorrow.”

“They didn’t give you time off?” Tony asked her in surprise, his eyebrow raised as if he didn’t quite believe her.

It wasn’t a total lie, she did have to work tomorrow but Roman had a team thing he had already agreed to and he felt uncomfortable asking for any more special treatment from the coaching staff and management. Plus, if he was being entirely honest, he didn’t really want to stay in Knoxville with Sloane’s family. In fact he wasn’t sure how much longer he could take of any of this.

“Yeah, something about it not being family. I’m sorry.” Kim told them, smiling gently as Austin wrapped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her into his side for a few seconds. Finally his eyes met Roman’s, and after a few seconds he motioned to the back deck and Kim gave Roman’s arm another squeeze before he followed Austin outside.

Here it comes. The blame speech.

Austin turned to him once the door was closed behind them and studied him for a long time as they stood across from each other in silence. Finally he asked, “I wanted to ask you something. You know… when no one else was around.”

Roman swallowed the lump in his throat and asked, “Alright?”

“Was she happy?” This caught Roman well off guard. He was expecting something completely different but that just went to show that clearly he didn’t know Sloane’s brother like he assumed he did. It took him a moment to process what Austin had asked, and when he didn’t respond right away Austin clarified, “I’ve just spent the last week feeling guilty for not really being there for her or talking to her, and it goes back further than this year you know? I mean it’s not like I was three states away, I could have visited her or called more. I should have. So I guess I just want to know if she was happy, and I know that’s a lot to ask you right now.”

“I mean… yeah she was.” He was struggling, unsure of what to say. Did he lie and say she was happy and nothing was bothering her or did he tell him the truth? That she was happy but that this situation with her mother and being so distanced from her family in a time when she was supposed to be sharing something incredibly special with them weighed harder on her than she ever thought he knew.

Austin sensed his apprehension and told him, “You can tell me the truth man.”

Roman sighed and pushed his fingers through his hair before saying, “She was incredibly happy but that came at the expense of having you guys around for the most important thing in her life. It wasn’t easy but if you ask me she did a really good job with dealing with that.”

“I thought I had a tomorrow.” When Austin said this Roman raised his eyebrow in both confusion and surprise. Catching this Austin told him, “Every time I wanted to call her but never had to the time or every time I wanted to visit but didn’t get the chance I always just told myself tomorrow. You can call her tomorrow, you can visit next month. I thought I would have those chances you know?”

“I know how you feel.” Roman stated honestly, leaning his forearms against the railing of the deck.

“I can see why she loved you so much.” Austin stated as he copied Roman and leaned against the deck railing as well. When Roman looked at him with a cocked eyebrow and a look of surprise on his face Austin explained to him, “You remind me a lot of my step dad, and he and Sloane had a really great relationship. She always said if she was ever gonna marry someone she wanted that someone to be exactly like William.”

Marry.

She would have married him. She told him that herself. All he had to do was ask. God he wanted to ask. He would ask her tomorrow if he could.

An hour and a half later, after Roman and Austin ran out of things to say to each other Kim stuck her head out of the back door and told Roman, “It’s almost four we gotta go.”

He nodded slowly and got up from the chair he was sitting in, giving Austin another half hug before he followed Kim inside the house. His stomach did a flip when she stopped in front of Sloane’s parents at the front door. He wasn’t ready for this, he wasn’t even remotely ready for this. While Kim spoke quietly with Karen Roman turned to William but nothing came out of his mouth.

Coward. He said to himself.

“Take care of yourself yeah?” William asked him, giving him a gentle hug. When Roman nodded he told him, “And don’t be a stranger. Any time you’re around come by.”

“Thank you for today, and for making me a part of it. I really appreciate that.” He wasn’t sure if he was articulating himself properly, he didn’t want his words to be taken in a less than sincere way right now.

William nodded and informed him, “You were important to her so you’re important to us.”

He nodded slowly and before he could say anything in response Karen leaned up and wrapped her arms around him, pulling him into a tight hug. Roman glanced at Kim in surprise and she shrugged, equally surprised as he was at the gesture. Still, he wrapped his arms around her and hugged her back, not wanting to seem rude.

Karen spoke softly and quietly so only he could hear her, “Thank you for taking such good care of her.”

He nodded as they pulled apart and she reached over to smooth out his suit jacket with a sad smile. They waved from the front door as Roman and Kim got into his car and pulled away from the curb. Once they were well into the drive Kim turned to Roman from the passenger seat and told him, “Thank you for today. I know you would have went anyway but I really needed someone today so thank you for being there and sticking with me.”

“I’m glad you were there too Kim.”

Three hours later Roman was unlocking the door to his apartment and forcing his legs to walk him inside. He tossed his keys onto the kitchen counter and closed the door a little loudly with his foot before shrugging out of his suit jacket and hanging it on the back of a chair at the kitchen counter. He let his eyes glance around the living room, nothing had changed yet everything was so different; he hadn’t yet been able to pack up her things and the entire apartment reminded him of everything he so desperately wanted to forget. The only difference in the apartment now from a week ago was the pillow and blanket in the couch where he had been sleeping because he couldn’t bear to sleep in the bedroom.

He walked down the hall, past the closed bedroom door and into the doorway of the nursery, or at least what would have been. He leaned against the door frame, arms crossed over his chest and let out a small sigh. Finally, after what felt like forever to Roman, he stepped inside the room and ran his hand over the blanket that was laying across the crib railing, closing his fist and balling the material up in his hand.

He had gone through what felt like every emotion within the human spectrum and yet as he stood inside this room and looked at all this stuff he still didn’t know what to do with he realized he was angry. No, not angry, he was pissed off.

Angry at the situation, angry at himself, he was really angry at whatever higher power was out there that allowed this to happen but what flooded him with such guilt and grief was that he was angry at Sloane. He was so incredibly, inexplicably fucking angry with her.

It welled up inside him, hammered against his chest and eventually made him grab a hold of the bar across the railing of the crib and rip the whole piece off of it. The broken piece of wood was discarded to the floor with a clamor and upon realizing how good that felt he kicked the bottom of the crib bed out, broke the sides off of it and then he turned his anger toward the dresser.

That stupid fucking changing piece on the top of it went right out of the door and into the hallway and the drawers were all ripped out and tossed to the ground as he continued his tornado of destruction throughout the room.

How could you leave and think I would be okay?