Dolce Vita

It had been four full days since anyone had seen or heard from Roman. Everyone was worried, but no one knew what to do or how to express that without feeling over bearing. Roman had stopped coming to optional practices, he wasn’t answering his phone and he hadn’t answered the door when Colin had gone by his place the day before. No one knew what to do so when they cornered Seth after practice that morning he agreed to go over there and see what was up.

Now however, he was wishing he hadn’t just agreed. You should have kept your big dumb mouth shut Seth. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be there for his teammate and friend, no of course that wasn’t it. It was just that he didn’t know how to be there for Roman right now and he didn’t know how to deal with what he found behind the heavy door to his apartment.

The apartment looked unlived in, the place was a mess but at the same time it looked as if nothing had been touched in days, maybe even in weeks. There was a pizza box sitting open on the counter and it was empty, as well as a container of food he was sure one of the guys had brought over and Seth was glad Roman was at least eating. He closed the door quietly behind him and set his keys on the table by the door before wandering down the hall. He knew he wasn’t going to find Roman in a good state of mind when he had to step over several broken pieces of baby furniture on his way to the nursery, which was the only room down the hall that had a light on.

Roman was asleep, half on the floor and half propped up by the wall, next to a pile of broken furniture. There were holes in the walls, though from a quick glance at the defensemans hands Seth was relieved to know they weren’t from punches, but it was the state of his teammate that surprised him more than the state of the would be nursery. He was still in a suit, the sleeve of the suit jacket was ripped and his tie had been discarded on the floor but his dress shirt was missing the first three buttons. His hair was standing up on end, and Seth wondered when the last time he had gotten real sleep was.

He almost didn’t want to wake him up, but he bent down and gave Roman’s shoulder a shake, causing the older of the two to wake with a start, nearly clocking Seth in the face in the process. Once he was sure he was a good enough distance away from any flying fists Seth asked, “Jeez do you great everyone like that or just me?”

He wanted to laugh, Roman wanted to laugh because laughing at a joke meant he was normal and he so desperately wanted to be normal. Still, he simply looked up, eyes slightly narrowed at Seth, before glancing around the room and his cheeks pinked in embarrassment.

Sensing this Seth did his best to get his mind off the state of the room Roman had spent days assembling and asked him, “When was the last time you ate man?”

He shrugged, using the wall for support to stand up, a little wobbly on his feet, and told Seth, “Yesterday… maybe the night before that.”

It was nearly two in the afternoon, which mean at the very least it had been nearly a full day before he had anything to eat if not longer than that. Seth sighed, and then took in Roman’s appearance again before telling him, “Go shower.”

“What?”

He rolled his eyes and told him, “You need to eat, we’re going for lunch but you need to shower first.”

He didn’t argue, in fact he didn’t even make a face at Seth. Instead he simply walked past him, across the hall and into the bathroom, the door closing a little bit louder than normal. Seth waited outside of the bathroom until he heard the shower turn on before he walked into the living room and pulled out his cell phone. He debated calling his mother for advice, but he wasn’t sure if Roman would appreciate her knowing his business, so he called the next best person that he could think of in a situation like this.

Riley picked up Shea’s phone after the third ring, “If you’re calling for advice about a girl sorry we’re fresh out.”

He chuckled quietly and said, “I’m calling about Roman.”

She was silent on the other end of the line for a few moments before she asked, “What’s up?”

“Honestly I don’t know. He trashed the nursery, like… American Psycho style. I don’t think he’s left that room since the he got back from the funeral.” Seth told her, glancing down the hall to make sure Roman was still in the shower. The last thing he wanted was for him to overhear this conversation.

She let out a sigh before telling him, “Bring him here.”

“You sure?” He asked wearily, he didn’t want to interrupt his captains down time but he had to admit he was relieved to hear that. He didn’t know how to handle this situation at all.

“I’m sure. I’ll start making some food, he could probably use some.” She told him and he heard moving around from her end of the line, he listened to her whisper to who he assumed was Shea, before she told him, “You think he’ll come here?”

“Yeah I told him we were going for lunch. He’s in the shower right now but we’ll be there as soon as he’s out.” He told her, glancing down the hall for a second time. He heard the shower turn off and was quick to say, “Thanks Ry.”

“Anytime.”

He slid his phone back into his pocket as the bathroom door opened and Roman stepped out in a towel. Seth watched him stare at the bedroom door, which Seth had only now noticed was shut, and instantly he felt guilty again. He cleared his throat and asked, “Want me to grab you something?”

As if embarrassed to even ask Roman nodded and went back into the bathroom as Seth pushed the bedroom door open slowly and turned the light on. He understood why Roman couldn’t go in there, it even smelled like Sloane. Her clothes were still in the closet when he grabbed a pair of sweat pants, he accidentally opened her underwear drawer looking for a t-shirt before he found one in the drawer next to it and when he went looking for a sweater all he found was a tiny folded up jersey underneath a pair of baby skates sitting on a shelf in the closet next to the sweaters. He could barely be in here, so he couldn’t imagine how it felt to be Roman.

He gathered the few items and got out as soon as he could, knocking on the bathroom door and receiving a barely audible response back. He pushed the door open and set the clothes on the bathroom counter, telling Roman, “Whenever you’re ready man.”

Fifteen minutes later Roman walked out of the bathroom looking almost like the Roman Seth was so used to seeing. Almost.

His eyebrow raised as Seth pulled into Shea’s driveway, and surprising him Roman didn’t demand to go home or make a big deal about it. Instead he simply got out and followed Seth inside, the smell of food was much more enticing than he expected and he found himself sitting at the kitchen table only seconds after walking into the house. Shea exchanged a look with Riley, but Riley followed Seth to the door, catching him before he left the house.

“You should stay, there’s enough food for you too you know.” She told him with a small smile, trying to make him smile as well.

He simply shook his head and told her, “He’s probably gonna want to be alone.”

“He’s gonna be alone a lot, I think right now he needs his friends.” Riley told him, stepping aside from the door to let him walk past her.

- - -

It was three o’clock in the morning when Roman found himself pacing the floor in the guest room of Shea and Riley’s house. After lunch he couldn’t bring himself to go back to his apartment, he knew at some point he needed to go through her things and pack things up but he didn’t even know what to do with it all. Maybe her family wanted it? Then again maybe they were like him and didn’t want anything to remind them of her, at least not yet. He wanted all of this to disappear, actually no he wanted to disappear. Not in the literal sense, but he just wanted to be left alone and to deal with things the way he had been, not that he was getting anywhere with that anyway.

Finally, when he couldn’t take the four walls anymore he went downstairs as quietly as possible, Dug looked up from his bed by the patio doors at him before he went back to sleep and Roman started pacing the floor of the dining area instead. It was easier if he was moving, he didn’t feel so heavy, thinking didn’t make him want to rip his hair out and breathing didn’t seem as difficult.

He wasn’t sure how long he had been pacing back and forth when the lights in the kitchen turned on and he whipped around to find Riley standing by the fridge in a pair of baggy pyjamas. She sent him a soft smile before she asked, “Do you want some hot chocolate or something?”

He couldn’t open his mouth, he was afraid that with her standing in front of him, he might just lose it. He wanted to say something, anything, but his mouth stayed glued shut so Riley simply pulled two mugs from the cupboard and heated up the kettle. He stood by the kitchen island and watched her measure out the powder into their mugs and he was hit was a sudden wave of an unexplainable emotion. He had been feeling it a lot lately, when he felt like he was reaching his breaking point of crazy. It was not quite anger and not quite sadness but he felt that if you added up every angry or sad emotion in the book you’d have whatever it was that he was feeling.

Riley watched him walk over to the corner of the wall by the patio doors, sit down on the floor and lean against the cool window as the kettle whistled. She turned the stove off and moved the kettle to a different element before she made her way over to him and took the spot against the wall adjacent to him. Curiously she asked him, “Did you get any sleep?”

He shook his head and with his elbows against his knees he put his head in his hands and spoke softly and as slowly as he possibly could in an attempt to keep his emotions under control, “I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep, and I can’t think and I can’t even figure out how to function right now.”

“I know.” She didn’t know what else to say to him, so she just reached over and grabbed one of his hands, making him shift his head to the other hand and look at her.

His eyes were bloodshot, he looked exhausted, and Riley was sure she had never seen someone look so broken, and so sad in her life before. She gave his hand a squeeze as he closed his eyes, drew in several shaky breaths, and told her, his voice breaking each time he felt a wave of tears flowing to his eyes, “It hurts to breathe.”

Riley scooted over to be closer to him, wrapping her arm around his shoulder as Roman leaned into her and put his face against her shoulder that was opposite of him. She reached around and clasped her hands to be around his shoulders as his body shook with sobs, she rested her chin on the top of his head and closed her eyes, squeezing them shut tightly to keep herself from crying. He was crying and mumbling incoherently against her shoulder and all she could do was hold him and rub her hand up and down his back slowly.

Finally, when he seemed to calm down a little bit he pulled away from her, used the inside of his shirt to wipe his face before he looked at Riley and said, “I feel guilty.”

“This was not your fault.” Riley told him firmly, grabbing his face with both of her hands so that he was looking her in the eye and she repeated it again, “This wasn’t your fault Roman.”

“If she never met me, if she hadn’t gotten pregnant she wouldn’t have… she would be here. I can’t even be around Kim right now because every time I see her I feel guilty. I couldn’t wait to leave after her funeral because I couldn’t stand being around her family… I feel guilty all the time. Every second of the day and I don’t know how to change that.” He told her, barely able to keep himself together. Riley watched him in silence, her hand still on his back, as he took in a breath of air, let it out and then wiped his face once more before turning to her and with the most heart breaking expression and the most grief filled voice he told her, “I’m angry with her.”

“What do you mean?”

He took in another breath before telling Riley, “Sloane. I’ve never been so angry at someone in my life and I feel so guilty for it because I can’t turn it off. I’m furious, and I just want to scream at her and I can’t… I can’t understand why.”

“Why what?”

“Why she thought I’d be okay if she left? Why she didn’t fight harder. Why her and why now and-and I can’t stop being angry with her for going and fucking dying on me.” He was talking about anger but all Riley saw was pain. He could barely breathe anymore, his chest was heaving and his body was shaking, but his eyes were filled with tears and he was so incredibly broken up over what he was saying.

“It’s okay to be angry. You can be as angry and furious as you want Roman, that’s okay.”

She ran her fingers through his hair as he exclaimed, “It’s not okay! None of this is okay!”

The dam had broken, Riley was wondering when he was going to finally break down. She knew he was trying to be there for Kim, and a part of him probably felt better being there for someone else and not having to feel what he was really feeling but now he was feeling that. She wasn’t sure if it would make him feel better, at this point she thought it was probably only hurting him but at least he was feeling it.

“Everything hurts.” He whispered, his voice shaking and his knuckles were going white as his hands grasped the fabric of his sweat pants. His whole body felt like it was on fire, and his head was pounding but it was nothing compared to the hammering in his chest. He wasn’t sure he could handle this anymore, if this was what grieving was like he was done with it, grieving could go fuck itself. He didn’t need to cry, or scream, or move on and feel better. No, what he needed was to shut it all off. He needed an off button to turn his emotions off so he didn’t feel like he was being torn apart. He didn’t want to feel a damn thing.

His entire life was flipped upside down in a matter of three hours, and he couldn’t figure out how to put it all back together. He couldn’t figure out how he was supposed to move on. It was like all those articles online just expected him to pick himself up, slap on a smile and go back to normal. What the fuck is normal anyway? How could he go back to normal when he didn’t even know what normal was anymore? Was he really supposed to just act like this never happened? It was all such bullshit, all of the online articles and anything else he had read over the last two weeks. He was never going to just forget this happened.

If there was some kind of higher power out there he was sure he deserved this. He deserved all of this, the pain and the sorrow and the anguish and most importantly he deserved the guilt that practically ripped him apart. That was his punishment for being angry with Sloane for dying.

As he leaned into Riley again he couldn’t stop repeating, “It hurts to breathe.”