Dolce Vita

Three months later

Roman couldn't honestly remember the last time he had been in a church, he couldn't remember the last time he had prayed and yet here he was; sitting in the back row of pews in a church, praying. He wasn't even sure what he was praying about, actually, he wasn't sure he would even call it praying. It was more like talking. He was just talking to no one in particular, in the comfort of his own head. Trying to make sense of his life now, trying to figure out where he went from here and how he got there.

When he had text Kim the night before asking for the name of the church she and Sloane had been going to since moving to Nashville he hadn't expected himself to actually go there. Yet here he was. He had deliberately taken a seat in the back where he felt the least uncomfortable, and he was currently leaning on his forearms against the pew in front of him with his head down. He was breathing slow, but he didn't have to focus on breathing anymore.

He didn't know how long he had been there. More than an hour, at least two he had to guess but maybe even more than that. It didn't seem to matter how long he sat here talking in his head to no one in particular, it didn't help him any. He had always heard that people felt like they weren't alone, they felt loved and like they finally found peace when they stepped inside of a church but for him it wasn't quite like that. He still felt alone, he still didn't feel at peace, at least not completely, but sitting in here talking to no one he felt a little bit closer to Sloane. This was a part of her life that he hadn't gotten the chance to experience with her, he always said he would but they never did go to church together, so maybe if he went now it could somehow make up for that. If that was even how it worked, it probably wasn't.

Somehow in the last three months while their season came to a rather disappointing ending Roman had found himself in a strange position. More than one actually. The first being that he found that some days he felt normal; it wasn't so hard to get out of bed and sometimes he could go all day without thinking about Sloane. He found himself letting go of all those emotions, he was no longer angry with her or the hand he was dealt in life, but he still had days that were harder than others. Sometimes he wanted nothing more than to hide away and stay in bed until the hurt went away but he was finding those days were becoming fewer and fewer. He was finding it easier and easier to breathe, it wasn't a chore anymore and it didn't hurt anymore.

The second strange position he was finding himself in was that for the first time in a long time he wasn't sure what to do next, where to go next. The season had been over for over a week, closer to two probably, and he was still in Nashville, still not sure of what he was doing. Normally, at this point after the season ended he was already home and with his family and friends, and he yet right now he didn't know what to do. As much as he wanted to get away from Nashville and away from the last few months part of him felt as if he was abandoning Sloane by doing that. He didn't know how to describe it, or how to explain it, but as much as people told him and as much as he knew he had to go back to 'normal' he wasn't quite ready for that yet. He sometimes wondered if he ever would be, but those days were things didn't seem as hard were proof that one day he would be.

He thought he had everything figured out. Four months ago everything was so incredibly clear and mapped out. He knew where his life was going, he knew where he and Sloane were going and things couldn't have been more perfect. Sloane was right, they did things a little bit unconventional and incredibly untraditionally, and yeah very backwards, but it felt right for them; doing it any other way wouldn't have given them the same things they had and those were the most important things.

Some days Roman felt guilty for even being upset; he got to experience things some people never, ever got to experience in their life. He got to fall in love with the most incredible, amazing woman he was sure existed in the world, and as he got to know her he got to fall in love with her over and over again multiple times in a day, he got to experience what having a family of his own felt like and most importantly he got to be loved by Sloane, which in his opinion made him the luckiest guy in the world.

He jumped when a hand landed gently on his shoulder, and upon sitting up straight and turning his head to his left he found Kim standing next to him with a small smile on her face. As his eyebrow raised she explained, "I figured you weren't asking about this place for nothing and I saw your car outside. Thought you might want some company."

He nodded slowly and scooted over, letting her sit beside him in the pew. He watched her as she sat up straight, hands clasped around each other in her lap and he simply slumped back against the back of fhe pew. They sat in silence for nearly half an hour, Roman nearly fell asleep twice before he finally straightened up and asked Kim, "How often did you guys come here?"

"Every Sunday for a few years and then we tried to make it twice a month after that when things got busy. But honestly I can't remember the last time we were here."

"Where did you sit?" He asked her curiously, watching as she glanced out over the rows of pews. He got up as she did and followed her up the aisle before she stopped in front of a pew and stared at it. Her hand hovered over the back of the pew, as if she was afraid to touch it and Roman reached out, putting his hand on the middle of her back. It seemed to be all she needed because a few seconds after that her hand touched the pew and Kim sat down. Roman glanced around, counting the rows, before smiling. They sad smack dab in the middle on the left hand side of pews. He took the empty spot beside Kim and wondered if he was sitting in Sloane's spot or if she was, but he didn't ask this.

After a few silent seconds Kim told him, "You know… I've gone to church since… probably since I was born. I did Sunday school and bible camp as a kid, I can't remember a time when I didn't have religion to fall back on."

"I've tried to see things the way she did but I can't. I've spent the last three months trying to get through this the way I know she would have but honestly… after all this I don't understand how someone could have so much faith in something like this." Roman admitted, surprised when Kim looked down at her hands and nodded.

"I've never been angry with God in my life and I've never struggled with my faith like I have the last three months." Kim told him in a soft, barely audible voice. Roman watched her clench her fingers around each other, her knuckles going white, and eventually he surprised her by reaching our and covering her two hands with one of his own.

Kim clasped both her hands around his as he told her, "I think that's okay. I mean, I don't understand this stuff but I'd like to think it's okay to not understand it now of all times, that it's okay to question it every once in a while."

"Sloane never did. I swear, this was the one thing she was so sure of." Kim told him, smiling gently at the thought.

"It's weird. Being here? I don't think I'll ever understand this whole thing but sitting here where she did, looking at the same things she did… I feel…" He didn't know how to finish what he was trying to say. In fact, he wasn't sure he even knew what he was trying to say.

As if reading his mind however, Kim knew, "You feel closer to her."

Roman nodded slowly and said, "Yeah… I feel like she's with me…is that crazy?"

Shaking her head Kim assured him, "Not at all. The only thing that's gotten me trough the last few months has been that I know she's here."

"She was… she had this way of making everything slow down. Did you feel that with her?" Roman asked her curiously.

"Like no matter what was going on in your life she could just give you a look or say like two words and it just felt like things were okay?" Kim asked with a grin and when Roman nodded she let out a small chuckle and said, "She was so good at that."

"Yeah she was." He mused.

After what felt like an hour of silence Kim looked at Roman and told him, struggling through her words, "I wanted to call you last week… but I just… I was going to but then I thought maybe you wouldn't want me to."

"It would have been okay but if I'm being honest I'm kind of glad you didn't." He told her softly, knowing she needed to hear that. He was being honest as well; he would have answered the call, he would have talked to her for an hour if she wanted to, but he was so incredibly glad that she didn't call and that he didn't have to talk. He had spent what would have, what should have been the happiest day of his life in the empty bedroom that had once been a nursery. Sometime in the three weeks he spent living at Shea and Riley's the guys had gone over and packed up the broken furniture, repaired the holes in the walls and even painted, something Roman had been so inexplicably grateful for. So he was able to spend the day he should have been experiencing a once in a lifetime thing in a room that didn't give him the same feelings of grief and sadness that it once did. He wasn't sure he could ever thank his teammates enough or express his gratitude the way he felt was appropriate for what they had done for him. In fact he wasn't sure they even knew what they had done for him.

With a sad smile Kim asked him, "I guess we have to start trying to move forward now huh?"

"Yeah… I guess so."

- - -

Five hours later Roman found himself sitting on the end of his bed, staring at the room before him. In front of him sat three boxes, ready and waiting to be filled. The whole time since he had gotten home from the church Kim's words kept ringing through his head. I guess we have to start trying to move forward now.

She was right and he knew it but it had never resonated within him until now as he looked at all her stuff and realized he couldn't start to move forward with his life until he took this step. Everything he had read told him this was an important step in moving on. He had also learned so many things about grief that he never knew before now; like that his emotions were normal, that grief is messy and he might feel like he was going crazy, that special days like birthdays, anniversaries and holidays will always be difficult and bittersweet and that he had to face the future eventually.

This is what packing up Sloane's things was for him; the first step to facing the future. A future without her wasn't something he expected, or prepared for, or wanted but he didn't have a choice now and he had to accept that.

It was never going to be okay that she was gone, but he had to start living his life again. He knew that. So he got up from the bed and walked into the closet to face her clothes. He filled her two suitcases with her clothes, filled up a box with her shoes, and then he picked up the folded jersey and tiny skates and stared at them in his hands. He thought about putting them in one of the boxes but he couldn't make himself do that, instead he slid them back onto the shelf they were sitting on and shut the light off in the closet.

He glanced around the rest of the bedroom, and spend two hours packing up little pieces of Sloane from the rest of the apartment. Once he taped the boxes shut he made a mental note to let Austin know her things were ready. He had asked her oldest brother if they wanted Sloane's things, and he couldn't deny that he felt relieved when he said they did. He didn't know what to do with it himself.

There was only one thing of Sloane's left not packed up and it was folded inside a picture stuffed into his wallet. He pulled the picture out, not even unfolding it all the way, he simply shook it until the cross pendant fell out onto the dresser. He picked it up and flipped the gold pendant over in his palm a few times before he pulled out the little bag that was in his pocket and dumped a chain out of it. He strung the cross through the chain and clasped it around his neck, closing his fist around the cross for a few seconds before tucking it safely underneath his tshirt.

One step at a time. One foot in front of the other. Slow and steady. Keep breathing.