I Guess You Can Call These...

Where to start…
Let’s take this from the very beginning shall we? Let’s fast forward to 2011 one of my favorite bands was dropping their first album in just a few hours and I was about fifteen maybe sixteen. I was on Facebook checking out their page and left a comment along the lines of “I’m so excited!”. Within seconds I got a random message from some kid with a weird ass name. He asked me if I could download the album and give it to him. I, not really thinking anything of it, told him that I suck at techy things and would try. I then proceeded click on his weird ass name and scroll through his Facebook profile.
This guy was attractive and my age.
We continued to message each other a little. He added me on Facebook and I learned that he was Australian, we had a ton in common and that he thought I was cute. At that age, guys thinking of me as being attractive was like one in a million, plus I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend. I was much happier being miserable by myself. I also didn’t want the reasonability.
So our short friendship faded out and he never got the downloaded album. So, now let’s fast-forward to New Years Eve 2013.
I had my girls over and we were scrolling through my Facebook friends checking out all of the hot guys I met at Christian Camp. The Australian kid popped into my head and thought I’d show him to my girls just to show them. I thought about him often but never acted on it. Last time I looked him up he had a girlfriend and seemed to be really happy with her. Anyway, once the girls saw him they flipped. I say again, this guy was hot.
“He thought you were cute?” My best friend of “eighteen” years (let’s call her P) exclaimed as my other best friend (We’ll call her O) kept on scrolling through his pictures. “We should message him!” she said.
I panicked. I knew my friends and they were going to message him.
“No! He has no idea who I am. He friended me years ago, it’s not like we’re pals. Besides he has a girlfriend,” I said trying to regain control of my computer.
“He had a girlfriend,” O said smiling at P.
“Can we not…” I whined.
“Too late,” P said taking my laptop and started to type.
“Is he even awake?” I asked as O held me down.
“The green dot is next to his name,” P said as she typed. “Hey, we haven’t spoken in a minute, what’s up?” she read out loud then hit send.
“Oh my God,” I sighed as O let me go and we all gathered around the laptop and waited for what seemed like an hour. Finally, we say the little ‘seen at…’ pop up and my heart raced. He started to type and the girls started to get excited until he hit send.
“I’m sorry who are you?” was his reply.
“See?” I said.
“No, he fit to remember,” O said and started typing. “We bonded over Get Scared and Falling In Reverse a few years ago” she read out loud before hitting send.
The little ‘seen at…’ came up and he started typing again.
“I’m sorry I don’t remember you” was his reply.
This time P took over and wrote, “Well, we should get to know each other again”.
His reply was “Sure”.
I finally took over my laptop and started to make small talk with his random dude from Australia. After a while he said he remembered me and started to use smiley faces in his texts. The girls and I took that as our cue to start to flirt and he flirted right back. We stayed up until four in the morning before he had to go.
The next day, when he was awake, he messaged me back and we were snap chatting and texting. And that’s how we meet. So romantic right?
Anyway, he was my first good morning and last good night and I was his. It was obvious that we liked each other so we never really said it. It wasn’t something that had to be said. He told me I was gorgeous and he loved talking to me every day. He said that he wished he could be with me all the time. He called me funny, he cheered me up when I had car troubles, he told me stories about his drunken adventures, he told me about his band, he told me that he trusted me, he told me that he’ll always be there for me, he called me baby, Tay, his girl. I didn’t have to ask if he liked me… I knew.
One night in mid-February, I’d never forget it, he told me that he thinks that he was falling in love with me.
Now, let’s pause, we’ve only been talking to each other for a month and this dude is saying the L word like it’s free. So, I asked if he was serious and he told me he was. I believed him but kept my I love you to my damn self. He would tell me that he loved three more times before I finally said it in mid – March.
He never asked me out, he said that he wanted to wait to do it in person. He said he had something planed. He wanted it to be special.
Let’s fast forward to our first fight and for the normal person a red flag. I’ve been asking him to video chat me since we first started talking but every time there was a different excuse.
I’m busy, my family is home, I’m shy, my voice is silly.
So one day I said okay how about this weekend we Skype. He said maybe. The weekend came around and he blew me off for his brother. So, naturally, I lost it.
I told him that I couldn’t date a guy, I barely know, over the internet and never meet him. I told him that if he really cared about me he would make the time for me. He said that his brother was leaving for New Zealand. (Sidebar: he used his brother as an excuse all the time. “He’s moving away” “he’s moving out” “he’s been super busy with school so we never hang out much”. His brother is living with him at this very moment. All of that was just him putting me second.)
So, I told him that I didn’t want to speak to him. So I shed my first tear since like 5th grade and turned my phone off.
My best friend (We’ll this one G) was living with me at the time and we spent the night watching movies and eating whipped cream. Once I calmed down I turned my phone back on and was ambushed with messages from him.
“I’m sorry, I’m not good with this long distance stuff” “I know I hurt you I’m sorry. I’m not ready to Skype yet” “I love you”. I respond, I don’t remember what I said but I said good night and fell asleep.
I was awaken to my phone ringing. I hit the red button and noticed that it was my Australian. I quickly typed to him and asked him to call me back.
He called within seconds and we had our first conversation. I could listen to him talk forever. I loved his chuckle, his stutter, his accent, him.
After that we were stronger than ever. He finally Skyped me maybe a month after. G was lying on my bed room floor as moral support. Once I saw him I pulled my knees to my face and said “Oh God you’re real”. He laughed and said “Sup”.
We had so much fun on Skype, he was so funny, such a smart ass, he was really my best friend. I told him everything and he told me everything. We told each other we loved each, he told me that he was saving up to see me. He said I was his queen, his rock, his everything, his world, I was family, he said he’s mom couldn’t wait to meet me, he said that I was reason he woke up, he said I was his sun and stars, he said that distance was nothing because what we had was strong, he said that I was the One, he said that he needed me in his life, he said he didn’t want anyone else, he said I was his cupcake, his happily ever after. He said forever…
I was I stupid for believing him? Maybe…
I was just excited to share everything with someone. To plan and start a life with someone. I believed him because I love him. I was all of those things to him and he was all of those things to me.
No couple is perfect, especially with the distance we had between us but we were strong as odd as that sounds. We were eight months in and he told me that he was so happy that I was here and that he adored me and he couldn’t wait to start a life with me.
So now let’s get to the fun part…
We started fighting around the nine month mark. He was putting me second again and I wasn’t having it. I told him that I don’t think he cared about me and he told me that he did. With this in mind a month or so later he made a joke about not caring about what I said or thought. So naturally I got upset and we fought and I said we should take a break.
So one long heart breaking tear filled week later we got back together but he was distant. I asked him if he still loved me.
I don’t know was his reply…
I can’t describe the pain I felt that day, but I don’t wish it on anyone. Not even Isis….
I could literally feel my heart breaking.
He left me the next morning. He didn’t love me anymore and he wasn’t happy with the distance. He said that he had some demons that he needed to work out.
He gave me the “it’s not you it’s me” thing that you see in movies.
So let’s fast forward to now.
I’ve deiced to share my story because I’m a writer and I’m in mourning. This is just a part of my healing processes.
Do I want him back? Hell yeah! I would take him back right now. Why you ask?
Because I will always love him. I can’t turn off my feelings just because he stopped. I say to my friends, jokingly, that I will never love again. But I know I will. Of course I will. However I’ve decided that I don’t want to. The last thing I want is to recreate memories and connections and laughs and sexy time and stories and all that with someone else knowing that it can all be taken away. I can’t do that to myself. Not again.
I’ve deiced on one person, I’m like a penguin.
So now what do I do? Should I be like Miley Cyrus and become a slut and blame it on my failed relationship? Should I be like Adele and turn my sorrow into treasure gold? Should I be like Katy Perry and Taylor Swift and write love songs about it and get bangs?
Should I get the bastard back?
Right now the world seems to be falling apart when in reality my life is just starting. I know myself pretty well so I will probably be sad for a few years since literally everything reminds me of him. But I’m going to find a guy next year in Chicago and I’ll forget all about the guy with the weird ass name.
Will I ever stop loving him? I don’t think I will. There will always be a place for him in my heart.