Seven Year Ache

"Do you have a minute?" Riley asked as she leaned against the door frame of their bedroom.

Shea glanced up at her from unpacking his suitcase from their latest road trip and asked, "I've got a team thing in a bit but what's up?"

She shook her head and told him softly, "I just thought we could talk."

"Is everything okay?" He asked her, pulling his suits out of the garment bag and walking them over to the dry clean section of their closet.

Riley caught his attention when she said, "No everything's not okay Shea."

"What's going on?"

She stared at him incredulously when he asked this. Did he really not get it? She sighed, pushed her hair out of her face and asked him, "Are we really just gonna act like the last six months never happened?"

"That's what this is about? You picked now of all the times you could have to want to talk about our problems?" He asked her and she could tell by the tone of his voice that he was annoyed with her.

She didn't care. She was quick to tell him, "Yeah I did because I'm done acting like this never happened."

"Can we please talk about this tomorrow when I actually have time?" Shea asked her exasperatedly.

"Oh yeah sure because I don't have a life so we can just wait until you're free because I couldn't possibly have anything to do tomorrow, right?" She exclaimed, surprising both of them with her outburst.

He took a not so subtle glance at his watch, only further infuriating Riley, and then told her, "That's not what I meant."

She scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest before asking, "Really? Then what did you mean? Because I'm tired of doing everything and then getting pushed aside when I actually need something from you."

"You always need something from me Riley!" He exclaimed, tossing a pair of dress shoes into the closet without even looking.

"I'm sorry? I don't ask you for a god damn thing." Her voice was calm and even but when he looked at her she was furious and it almost looked like she was struggling to contain it. Her jaw was clenched, she looked at him as if she could kill him with one look and Shea couldn't remember the last time he had seen her really, truly angry.

He sighed, pushed his hands through his hair and told her, "But you do. You may not voice it but you do. Every time I go on the road I worry about you, I worry about us and I worry about what kind of state you'll be in when I get home. I go to practice and all I can think about is you and what the hell is happening to us. Home games make me nervous now because I'm worried about whether you decided to show up or if I'll have to answer a hundred and one questions from the guys about where you went."

"That sounds more like you need to figure your own shit out to me." The way he just so calmly and easily spoke and acted like this wasn't a big deal was infuriating her and he knew it even before she spat this at him with a harsh tone.

"I don't know what you want me to say anymore. This is going nowhere." Shea stated with a loud sigh.

Riley rolled her eyes, "Why don't you just say it?"

"Say what?" He asked in confusion.

Again she rolled her eyes, she stayed glued to her spot in the doorway of the bedroom. She was on fire and every part of her wanted to go into the closet and pack a bag and go home. Yet she knew deep down they were getting nowhere and would continue to get nowhere unless they told each other how they really felt. So she told him, "That I'm just a big burden to you."

"What?" He was genuinely surprised to hear her say that and the look of surprise on his face only added fuel to the fire at this point.

"You said it yourself; you're too worried about me and us to do your job. That's kind of the definition of a burden Shea. This is exactly what I was afraid of when you left Kelowna." She told him, her voice getting quieter and quieter with each word.

"That was almost eight years ago Riley. We're different people now, we've grown up and we know how to handle things better."

She scoffed again and said bitterly, "Obviously not."

He took a few long strides toward her and he slipped his hands around hers, looking down at her with soft eyes. She was caught between wanting to keep arguing with him, getting out all of the anger and frustration she had been holding in for months and wrapping her arms around him and forgetting this whole thing happened.

"I don't want to lose you Riley." He told her softly, taking one hand off of hers to reach up and run this thumb across her jaw and then tuck a piece of hair behind her ear.

She spoke quietly, barely above a whisper as if she was afraid of saying it out loud, "I'm afraid of what's happening to us."

He didn't know what to say to that, what could he say to it anyway? Instead he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulled her into him tightly and she slowly put her arms around him as well. She didn't know what else to say, so instead she held onto him tightly, as if he might disappear at any given moment. Shea was too afraid to speak, he didn't even want to breathe on the off chance it might upset whatever balance they had right now.

She pulled back just enough to tell him, "I don't need anything but you. That's all I've ever wanted Shea."

"Sometimes I don't know how to balance it all. I know I've been doing a shitty job lately but it's hard. Trying to find a way to be here for you but also be there for the guys, fans and management. I feel like I can't do it all anymore." He admitted softly, looking away from her eyes, his own eyes staring at her shoulder.

"I haven't made it any easier this year for you either." Riley stated softly, and Shea pulled back from her, shaking his head. Instead of letting him tell her otherwise Riley also shook her head and told him, "I haven't. We haven't made this year easy on each other Shea."

"I don't know how to fix this." He said sadly, and Riley reached out, rubbing his side gently.

"You don't." She told him, and when he looked over at her with a mixture of surprise and anger on his face she smiled and told him, "We have to. We both need to fix this and figure out how to make it work."

His phone beeped from the pocket of his jeans, and Shea glanced at his watch. He was late. He let out a sigh before looking at Riley and saying, "I'm late."

"Seriously?" Just like that all those warm fuzzy feelings were disappearing and being replaced by annoyance.

"It's a team thing I have to go." He told her, watching as she chewed on the inside of her cheek and avoided his eyes.

Finally she looked at him and said, "It's a dinner."

"It's a team bonding thing. It's important Ry."

For some reason she couldn't pinpoint she felt herself fill with anger and she couldn't stop herself from saying bitterly, "And there it is; the subtle dig about your career."

"What are you talking about?" Shea asked in confusion.

"What was that a whole twenty minutes without one? Wow that's impressive." She muttered, pushing past him to leave the bedroom. He caught up to her when she was at the top of the stairs, grabbing her wrist to stop her from moving.

She stopped but she kept her back to him even as he asked, "What's the problem now? I need you to just tell me what the fuck to say or do to fix this because I'm lost."

"That's exactly it! You don't even understand how you make me feel or how the things you do or say might hurt me." Her knuckles were going white with the grip she held on the railing of the stairs but she didn't continue down them. She simply stood on the top stair and stared at the bottom of them while Shea stood behind her and stared at her.

"I can't do this anymore." He mumbled.

"That makes two of us." Riley stated.

"I can't stand living the way we've been living but I don't know what you want anymore." Shea told her, watching as she whipped around to face him again.

"What do I want? I want you to stop treating me like a doormat. Like some piece of your life that doesn't matter. I'm not a fixture in the life of Shea Weber and I'm tired of you acting like I am." Her voice was raised, she was still gripping the railing of the stairs, and she had her firey eyes fixed on him as she spoke. When he didn't respond she continued, "You're telling me you don't want to lose me and you don't know how to fix things well here's a tip: stop making me feel like I'm your last choice."

"I don't do that Riley."

"Really? Because you just spent an hour insulting me like it was nothing." She spat, making him raise both eyebrows.

"When did I do that?"

"You can't stand there and tell me how bad I am for your career and how you can't focus on your job because of me and what's been going on and then think it's okay. My life is you and your career so for you to tell me I'm bad for your career and imply I don't support you enough is beyond fucking insulting Shea." She had to stop, if she kept talking she was going to finally lose it and say things she really didn't mean. She had to stop.

"What's stopping you from going out and getting this life you talk about wanting?" He wasn't trying to make her angrier, he wasn't trying to insult her, he wasn't trying to upset her but as she looked up at him with those angry eyes he knew he had done just that.

"Let's see. I have to there for all your home games, I have to organize charity stuff and be involved with the other wives during road games. I do the laundry, I clean the house, I have dinner ready when you come home from the road and I do all of this without a single complaint while dealing with you and your moodiness throughout the season." She informed him, taking a deep breath before she added, "The money and the lifestyle doesn't change anything for me. I miss you when you're gone and lately I miss you when you're right here."

"Looks like you have a pretty damn good life to me." He mumbled. He wasn't sure why he even said it, he really didn't mean it but it just came out before he could stop it.

Rikey stared at him for a few silent seconds, surprised by his comment. She didnt expect it from him, but it just went to show that he had no idea what it was like to do all those things and not get a thank you even once. She couldn't stop her mouth from running, "Is that really what you think? You think my life is perfect? You have no fucking clue Shea. I don't have anything of my own, do you have any idea how hard that is for me? Do you know how much I struggle with the fact that I don't have a life of my own? That I'm just the captains girlfriend?"

"You're making a bigger deal about this than you need to Riley. Do you really think I care that you don't work? I like providing for you." His voice was soft and he was being genuine but it did nothing for her.

"That's not the point!" She exclaimed to him.

"Then what is the point?" He asked curiously.

"I gave up everything for you and you don't even seem to care." Shea let out a sigh as she said this. Her anger and annoyance was gone, her body seemed to deflate and lose the edge she had moments previous. Her eyes filled with tears and her voice was so soft he almost didn't hear her when she asked, "Do you have any idea what it's like to give up your dreams so you can be there for someone else's?"

"Do you regret coming here?" Shea asked quietly, unsure if he wanted to know the answer.

Riley shrugged her shoulder and admitted, "I don't know."

"You chose to come here, I didn't force you to." He had a bit of an edge to his voice but she knew it wasn't directed at her.

"I know that! I just didn't think we would turn into what we are. I never thought this would happen." She didn't like saying this, it felt like they were admitting defeat. Throwing away years of their lives seemed silly up until now.

"So what now? What do we do now?" They were both reminded of that night in her childhood bedroom when the world and the adventures they were about to embark on seemed so scary. If they had only known what was waiting for them.

She admitted quietly, "I don't know."

"What do you want Riley? Don't tell me what I want or what you think I want. What do you want?"

She looked down at her hands as she told him, "I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired of fighting with you."

"Me too."

There was a moment of silence where they simply stared at each other. They had no more energy left in them to argue and fight anymore, and they weren't even sure it was really worth it at this point anyway. They couldn't keep doing this to each other, it wasn't working and it wasn't right.

Riley dropped her eyes from his first and Shea felt like all the air left his lungs when she asked quietly, "Why didn't you ask me to marry you?"

"What?" He had to at least try, even knowing that pretending he didn't know what she was talking about wasn't going to work.

"Last season, when you took me out for dinner. You were going to propose, why didn't you?" She looked up at him finally to find him staring at the floor. She wasn't surprised.

He cleared his throat and asked, "You knew? All this time?"

Nodding Riley explained, "I was hanging your jacket up that night and the ring box fell out of your pocket."

"Why didn't you say anything?" He asked curiously, he had honestly always assumed that she didn't know about any of that.

She raised an eyebrow and countered back with, "Why didn't you?"

"I don't know. When I bought the ring it felt right and I couldn't wait to do it. I spent months planning it out so it would be perfect and then we were there and I keep grabbing it but I just couldn't do it. The timing didn't feel right." He told her, watching as she nodded slowly.

"But you wanted to…" She didn't know how to finish what she was saying and Shea didn't know what she was trying to get at.

So instead of asking he told her, "I've wanted to marry you since high school Riley."

"And now?" She asked him, and when he looked over at her she added, "Has that changed now?"

He let our a gentle sigh and told her softly, "I'm worried that it would just be a big mistake."

With that he turned away from her and made his way back down the hall and into the bedroom. While he did whatever he was doing in there Riley turned back around to face the stairs. She took three steps down them before she sat down on one of the steps, leaned against the side of the railing and tried not to make a sound as her eyes filled with tears and they spilled out onto her cheeks.

She felt like she couldn't breathe, she felt like something was sitting on her chest keeping air from getting into her lungs. She pulled her knees to her chest and squeezed her eyes shut tightly, holding her breath for as long as she could, hoping that would keep her silent.

When she heard the shower turn on she let out a sound; more of a whimper than anything else, but that was it. She spent the next hour leaning against the railing of the stairs quietly crying while Shea sat on the floor in the closet rotating a dress shoe in his hands and a diamond ring sliding back and forth inside it.