Seven Year Ache

It was nearing five in the morning, neither Shea or Riley had slept a minute in almost a full twenty-four hours. They spent the last five hours in their bedroom, Shea trying his best to console Riley, who seemed to have finally reached her breaking point. The dam had broken, so to speak, and it was only within the last forty minutes that she had stopped sobbing uncontrollably. They were currently laying on the isde, Riley tucked safely into Shea’s body, as if he had to protect her from herself, or perhaps maybe himself. The tears had finally dried, and she was running her index finger up and down the bicep of his arm that was laying across her body as she drew in a few shaky breaths.

Shea glanced down at her, her eyes were puffy and her face was red, she was still trying not to cry again, he could tell in the shaky breaths and ther way her eyes stayed focused on his chest, but all that was better than she had been even just an hour ago.

They were both exhausted, tired beyond possible belief and yet not all just from the last few hours. They had been exhausted for months, being around each other, living in the same house, the way they were for so long was exhausting them and it had come out into the open and exploded in their fight the night before. And yet, as tired as they were, neither one of them closed their eyes and gave their body to sleep. They laid together in complete silence, nearly every surface of their bodies touching as if that could heal the damage done hours before.

Shea leanded over, and kissed the top of her forhead so softly Riley almost missed it, and she leaned her head a little bit closer to his at the gesture. He tightened his grip around her, and tucked her head under his chin with his palm spread out flat against the middle of her back. Riley wanted to say something, she wanted so desperately to tell him something- anything but she didn’t know how, or even what to say and Shea had been dying to get more than a few words out for hours but he didn’t know how to articulate them so he kept his mouth shut and instead of speaking they laid in silence, in their own little bubble of a world.

And then suddenly there was a buzzing noise ringing through the silent room, Shea reached down to grab his phone through the pocket of his sweat pants and upon finding it wasn’t his he looked over at Riley. She made no motion to move, and let the call go to voicemail as she rested her tired head on the pillow below her.

Finally, after what felt like forever to both of them Shea whispered, “I’m sorry.”

Riley looked up at him in surprise and asked, “For what?"

“This…us… the last six months. Everything honestly.” He told her softly, his large hand rubbing gently on her back as she kept her eyes on him in surprise. When she didn’t say anything back Shea told her, “I know it might not seem like it, but I never wanted any of this to happen.”

“I know.” She told him softly, lifting her hand to his side and rubbing her thumb over his rib cage.

He nodded slowly and said, “I didn’t know how to fix it, and then I guess I just made it worse every time I tried.”

“Nobody’s perfect Shea. I’m certainly not, and you were right, none of this was just your fault. It was both of us and now we need to figure out what to do.” She told him quietly, glancing away from his eyes and down to where he took her hand in his and clasped their fingers together.
 
“I never knew how you felt, about all of this. I mean… I knew you were uncomfortable with it and I understood that… but I really had no idea it was that bad, and I should have. I should have seen that and done something to change it.” For a moment Riley wondered if he was just saying what he thought she wanted to hear, but then he leaned his forehead against the top of her head and spoke in the softest, lowest voice she had ever heard, “It’s so easy to just assume I know what you’ve been going through, and then you tell me what you told me last night and I realize I was so off base on it all.”

“It’s okay.”

He lifted her face up to look at her when he told her, “It’s not okay Riley.”

“Shea-“

He was quick to shake his head and interupt her, “It’s not. I’ve made you feel the way you feel. I made you so concious about my career and reputation that you’re afraid to share things with your friends, I’ve made it so that you can’t be yourself around the one group of people that understand what you’re going through the most.”

“You have your own stuff to worry about, you don’t need to be worrying about me too.” Riley told him quietly, smiling when he leaned over and shut her up with a kiss.

When they pulled apart he stated, “That shouldn’t matter. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize just how much you do for me, and how much you sacrifice for me. I’m sorry it took this to make me realize you give up a lot of your own happiness for me.”

She nodded slowly, and looked at him as she said, “I do.”

“I know that…now. I can’t go back and change that, but I want you to know that I’m gonna work on it going forward. I want to make this work for us, however I have to. We need to work on us, but you also need to work on you.” He told her, smiling when she raised her eyebrow at his statement. He brushed her hair from her forehead and told her, “Take the time to do things for yourself Riley, do things you want to do for yourself. If that means that maybe I have do my own laundry, or cook my own meal, or deal with you missing a home game or two so be it, that’s how it should be. I need to stop expecting so much from you.”

“But I like doing those things for you, I honestly really do love going to games and supporting you.” She informed him, watching as he nodded at her.

“And I love that, and I’m so lucky that you do but I want you to do some things for yourself. Whatever they might be. A night at home instead of at the rink, skip out on a charity thing once in a while, go to the spa, hell go visit Quinn in Pittsburgh again, take Kelly and make a girls trip out of it. Just start putting yourself, and your needs and wants and happiness first. I want you to do that Riley.” Her eyes welled up with tears as he told her this, and Shea was quick to reach over and wipe them away with the pads of his thumbs. He leaned down and kissed her lips softly, before he pulled back, looked at her and told her, “And whatever I can do to help, just tell me.”

“You promise that we’re gonna work on things? For real this time?” Riley asked him softly, almost afraid of his answer.

His smile was gentle, and soft, as he told her, “I am never going to let things get this bad again.”

“Okay.”

After a few seconds of silence, when Shea was sure she was feeling a little bit better about the road before them he told her, “I want the little things back.”

“Hmm?” She asked quietly, he could tell she was nearing sleep.

He however wanted to get this one last thing talked about so he told her, “When you first moved here, all the little things we did? Grocery shopping together, nights at home cooking together, taking the dog for a walk… date nights. I want to start doing all that again. I don’t know why we ever stopped.”

“Things got busy.” She told him, answering his rhetorical question anyway.

He smiled and nodded and then informed her, “That’s not gonna be an excuse anymore. I’m gonna make sure of it. I’ve had enough of never seeing each other and spending time doing anything but being with each other.”

“Yeah?” She asked him curiously.

Shea nodded, “Yeah… in fact… I’m taking you out on our next free night. I can’t remember the last time we went out and had dinner.”

“What… like a date?” Riley asked him in amusement, laughing when he cocked an eyebrow at the tone of her voice. She covered her mouth with one of her hands to stifle her laugh at his reaction, which made Shea’s eyes practically light up at the sound, god he loved her laugh.

Once she pulled her hand away and stopped giggling Shea told her with a nod of his head, “Exactly like a date. I mean, when was the last time we went on one? Years at least.”

She nodded, “It has been a long time.”

“I’m gonna plan everything, and we’re gonna start getting back to where we were Riley. I mean it.” He assured her as her eyes fell closed.

Just before falling asleep in his arms she told him, “I hope so.”

Shea laid in bed, wide awake, simply watching her sleep. Every so often he would reach out and tuck the piece of hair that kept falling in her face back behind her ear, he had pressed more than a few kisses to her forehead and was currentlly running his fingers through her hair. He knew he should sleep, but he just couldn’t, every part of him wanted to stay exactly like he was, watching her peacefully sleep as if the last twenty-four hours hadn’t happened. Distantly he was aware that he had practice at eight, and as he glanced at the clock next to Riley’s side of the bed and saw six fifteen displayed in red numbers he looked back at Riley and decided for the first time in a very long time, perhaps years, to skip practice. It was optional anyway, and he had more important things to do today.

He knew eventually he would need to sleep, and then maybe run to the grocery store to get at least enough food to cook dinner tonight, but all that seemed to pale in comparison to right now. He didn’t know how he was going to balance the team and all that came with the responsibility of being a captain, and being there for Riley on top of fixing their relationship but he was sure as hell going to give it a go, and one hell of one at that.

The most important thing was Riley, he had to make sure he never forgot that again. At the end of the day hockey was a game, sure it was his career and he worked hard for it and he loved it but it was a game. Riley was the real thing, she was his reason for living, not hockey. She would always come first, always and he wasn’t sure how he could have ever forgotten that in the first place.

- - -

Hours later Riley woke up in a cold and empty bed, and she was confused. She rolled over to look at the clock on the nighstand, it was nearly six in the evening, she had slept for twelve hours and though she should have been upset for wasting the day away she needed it. She slowly got up out of bed and wandered into the bathroom, turning the light on nearly blinded her but she stood at the sink while she got used to the light.

She nearly jumped when her eyes focused on her reflection; messy hair, red, puffy face, bloodshot eyes. She let out a sigh and turned away from the mirror and sink, she reached into the shower and turned the water nearly as hot as it would go before she pulled off her ratty old pyjamas and tossed them by the door. Stepping into the shower she let the hot water bounce off of her as she leaned against the wall of the shower.

Last night had not turned out the way she thought it would, but she was oddly glad that they had finally had it out with each other. They wouldn't have been able to start moving past it, and if they weren't able to do that she would probably be on a plane back to Kelowna to start over right now. Shea was right, they had to take the steps to fix things, they owed it to each other.

Once she was showered and a brush was through her hair she wandered back into the bathroom and put a fresh pair of pyjamas on, the pair Shea got her for her birthday. She made her way downstairs, following the sound of movement to the kitchen, where she found Shea cooking. She leaned against the door to the pantry and watched him for a few minutes before clearing her throat and catching his attention.

He turned around to face her and smiled at her, "Morning."

"Ha ha." She told him, walking around him to open the fridge. When she found it fill of groceries she turned her head to him and asked, "You got groceries?"

Nodding Shea told her, "And I washed both cars, and took Dug for a walk."

"How long have you been up?" She asked him curiously as she glanced around the kitchen.

"Few hours." He told her as her eyes went to the living room where there were piles of blankets and pillows on the couch. He followed her gaze and explained to her, "Dinner and movies. Just like in high school."

Riley smiled and wound her arm around his side before she asked, "What movies?"

"I rented a bunch on iTunes." He told her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and resting his head on top of hers. After a few seconds of silence he pulled away from her and looked down at her, his eyes warm as he told her softly, "I love you Riley. I know I don't say it enough but I really do."

She smiled up at him, leaned up on her tip toes and told him, "I love you too Shea."

As much as she wanted to believe this was a new start for them, that they really would take the time and make the effort to change things between her there was a part of her that wasn't so sure about it all. They had these moments before, where everything seemed to be falling apart and then the next minute the rugged ripped out from under them and they're back where they started. She wasn't sure how to feel anymore.