Seven Year Ache

“Riley?” Shea called out as he walked down the hallway upstairs in their Kelowna house toward the master bedroom. He didn't want to be too loud, there was a house full of guests downstairs that Shea was sure didn't need to know Riley was hiding out upstairs. He approached the master bedroom doors, pushing only one of the French doors open, he leaned against the door frame and watched her for a moment. She was sitting on the side of the bed, her back to him, running a brush through her hair, completely unmoving. He spoke, his voice low but soft, “Ry.”

She didn't turn to him but the brush paused midway through her hair, which told him she heard him. The brush finished through the last half of her long hair as she asked, “What?”

“You gotta come downstairs.” Shea said, pushing away from the door frame he pulled the door closed before he walked into the bedroom and stood in front of her. She looked down at the floor and pulled the brush through her hair again as Shea told her, “Everyone's asking for you.”

She shook her head and told him, “I can't... I can't go down there because that makes this real.”

Shea let out a small sigh, it took everything he had in him to keep his eyes from welling up with tears as he watched her own spill out over her cheeks. He stepped forward and sat on the edge of the bed beside her, reaching out he grabbed her hand, taking the brush from it he set it beside him before he gathered both of her hands in his and told her, “I know, but you have to.”

“I don't think I can.” She admitted quietly, her voice shaking as the tears began to spill down her cheeks even faster. She hadn't cried much in the days since Dave's death, she hadn't even really cried at the funeral earlier that morning, but it seemed now the dam had finally broken. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her into his side, and when she was resting against him, her head tucked under his chin she said, “I don't know how to do this.”

“I know, it's hard and it's gonna suck but you have to Ry. You can't hide up here forever.” Shea told her, his voice firm but gentle, as it so often had been lately when talking to her.

“Why not? Here is nice.” She told him, letting out what he assumed was supposed to be a laugh.

He rubbed her arms and told her, “Because you need to go downstairs and be with your friends, and talk to people. You have to get through today, and then things won't seem so hard.”

“Promise?” She asked quietly, staring down at his hand in his lap.

She reached out and grabbed it with both of her hands and Shea squeezed one of hers with it as he told her, “I promise.”

“Okay.” She said, letting go of his hand and straightening up. She let out a breath of air, reached up and wiped at her face before she stood up and smoothed out her dress. Shea stood, looked at her and reached out, smoothing out her hair and tucking a piece behind her ear before he slipped his hand into hers and they left the bedroom together.

Pekka was waiting at the bottom of the stairs, and the moment Riley stepped off of the last step and into the living room he reached out and pulled her into a gentle hug. She leaned against him for a moment, before she stood up on her tip toes and told him quietly, “Thanks for coming.”

When they pulled apart he nodded down at her, leaned forward and kissed her forehead, before Quinn stepped into the spot beside him. She smiled gently at Riley, and reached out to grab her free hand, giving it a squeeze, but she didn't say anything. Riley didn't need words, they both knew that, so they stood like that for a few moments before people began to stop to express their condolences, which was when Quinn and Pekka mingled with other people. Shea stayed by Riley's side, much as she had done years ago for him, his hand on her back to remind her that he was there if she needed him.

It wasn't until the wake was nearly over that Riley finally got a moment to herself, where she leaned against Shea and told him, “Thank you for being here.”

He nodded his head, leaned down and kissed the top of her head as Pekka and Quinn joined them again. Quinn rubbed her back for a moment, a comforting gesture to let her know she wasn't alone, and Pekka glanced at Riley before he looked over at Shea and asked, “Is there anything I can do?”

Shea shook his head and all four heads turned toward the door as it opened and closed, a blonde woman walking inside the house. She met Riley's eyes, and despite it having been twenty years since the last time she had seen her Riley recognized her immediately. She hadn't changed at all, she looked exactly the same as the last time Riley had seen her; in the kitchen of her childhood home making pancakes for dinner. The next morning she woke up to Dave in the kitchen, and her mother gone. As Christina started walking toward them Riley pulled herself from Shea's grasp and turned around, making a beeline for the kitchen before she had a complete meltdown in front of their house full of guests.

Pekka and Quinn turned to Shea, who glanced back toward the kitchen before he looked at them and Pekka asked him, “Who's that?”

Shea sighed, pushed a hand through his hair and told them, “Riley's mom.”

Pekka made a face of surprise, Quinn simply turned back to look at the woman, and Shea turned around and followed Riley's trail into the kitchen. She was pacing the floor, wringing her hands through her hair so fast and hard Shea was surprised she wasn't pulling it out. She looked over at him, her bottom lip quivering as she told him, her voice shaky and out of breath, “You need to tell her to leave. I can't deal with this, I can't do this. I can't I just... I can't Shea.”

He stepped forward, wrapping both arms around her tightly as she shook from trying to get air into her lungs, he had never seen her like this before in the years they had known each other. She felt like someone was sitting on her chest, her head was spinning and she had that feeling like she was in a lake and couldn't keep her head above water. She was having a full blown panic attack in the kitchen during her dead father's wake. Not exactly the best way to get through the day.

Not knowing what to do Shea simply rubbed her back and held her tightly until she slowly started to calm down, her body stopped shaking, she wasn't gripping his suit jacket as tightly, and she was able to get air to her lungs again. She spoke against his chest, “I can't do this today of all the days.”

He kissed the side of her head and pulled her away from him enough to look at her, and he said, “I'll talk to her.”

“Riley?” They both froze when they heard a female voice ring through the room, Riley had no doubt who it belonged to. She liked to say she had forgotten everything about her mother, but she hadn't. She had never forgotten the sound of her voice, even her laugh, she had never forgotten what she looked like, and every time Riley looked in a mirror and saw her own big brown eyes she was reminded of all of that all over again.

Shea turned and glanced over his shoulder at Christina, who stood on the inside of the swinging kitchen door with her hands in the pockets of her blazer. Their eyes met, and she smiled gently, but Shea simply looked away from her and down at Riley, who puffed her cheeks full of air for a moment before she let the breath of air out and tucked her hair behind her ears. She stepped around Shea, and looked at her mother for a moment, maybe two, but no longer than that and told her, “I'd like for you leave.”

“Honey...”

She nearly rolled her eyes. Instead she clenched her jaw for a moment and then said, her voice flat and emotionless, “You don't get to call me that.”

Christina sighed and asked her, “How are you?”

Shea put his hand on Riley's lower back, reminding her that they weren't alone in the house and to try to control her temper, it did very little for her. She stared at Christina, and asked, “What are you doing here?”

“Your father and I might not have gotten along very well but he was still an important part of my life.” She told her, taking a few steps forward. Riley didn't move, she stayed where she was beside Shea, who was looking down at her, watching her to make sure she didn't go postal and grab a knife or something of the sort. When it was clear Riley wasn't going to answer Christina told her, “I'd really like to sit down and talk with you sometime.”

“I have absolutely nothing to say to you. Ever.” Riley informed her with a harsh voice that was foreign to even her, let alone Shea, who looked at her in mild surprise.

Christina nodded slowly, but Riley's response didn't keep her from responding, “I don't blame you for that, I was just hoping you'd at least listen.”

“Why?” Riley asked her, and before Christina could respond Riley kept talking, “I don't owe you a damn thing, let alone five minutes to talk to me. This conversation is longer than you should have gotten ever.”

“Don't you want to know why I left?” Christina asked, and when Riley didn't fire back and immediate response she knew she had her attention, so she told her, “You might have been too young to remember the fights Dave and I used to have, at least I hope you were. I couldn't stay Riley, not like that, in a relationship like we had-”

Riley was quick to interrupt her, her voice angry and venomous, “Don't you dare. Don't you dare come to my house today of all days and do this. You left, you chose that on your own don't you dare stand here and try to blame him for it. It was your choice. He gave up everything for me, he raised me by himself with no help and he never complained about it. You chose to leave, don't you dare try to tell me it was his fault. Not today of all days.”

“He did good with you Riley, but it was different for me.”

Riley simply told her, “You don’t think he told me all of this? About your relationship? That you guys used to fight? He did, I know all of it and guess what? It still doesn’t make what you did right, or okay. If you really thought you were in that much danger, which by the way is bullshit, why would you leave me there?”

“Because I had nowhere to go, and I didn’t want to drag you through that.” Christina told her quietly, and Riley didn’t particularly care to hear it. Dave had told her everything many, many years ago, including the way they used to fight and the fact that while he didn’t make it easier on her that Christina had no desire to be a mother. It had been a hard pill for Riley to swallow, knowing that she hadn’t been planned and that seven whole years of her life was a big lie, that her happy family memories were all fake.

Shaking her head Riley told her, “I haven't needed you for twenty years, I don't need you now, and I sure as hell never needed you growing up. I had the only parent I needed growing up.”

“Riley I know that you-”

Interrupting her Riley stated, her voice flat and void of any emotion aside from mild annoyance, “You really need to stop talking, now please get out of my house.”

Shea cleared his throat, and instead of letting this conversation continue as it was clear Christina wanted he walked toward her and guided her out of the kitchen and ultimately out of the house. The minute the swinging door stopped moving Riley pressed her palms into her knees and she leaned against them, sucking in difficult breath after breath, unaware that Pekka had come into the kitchen from the dining room entrance.

He watched her for a moment before he walked toward her and put his hand on her back, surprising her and making her nearly fall to the floor. She let out a chuckle at herself and straightened up, tucking her hair behind her ears again as she took one last deep breath in before letting her breathing go back to normal. With his hand still comfortingly on her back Pekka asked her, “You okay?”

She nodded and asked, “What are you doing in here?”

“Saw Webs escorting the bottle blonde out of the house like a bouncer at a club and I figured you might need someone to swoop in and make you feel better.” He told her with a small smile, grateful when she let out another laugh, this time genuine and real.

She leaned against him for a moment before straightening up and asking him, “You are very good at being the comedic relief you know?”

“I know.” Pekka told her with a nod and a wide grin. Shea came back into the kitchen, glancing between the two of them and Pekka joked, “This is our room, get your own.”

Shea rolled his eyes but smiled gently, and then he glanced at Riley and asked, “You okay?”

“Working on it.” She told him softly, leaning back against the counter top. She looked down at her feet, let out a breath of air and then asked, “Guess I should go say goodbye to people, huh?”

“Everyone's already gone, I kind of corralled them out of the place during your little show down. Figured you'd want some privacy after.” Pekka informed her, and when she gave him a grateful smile he told her, “Quinn's out there cleaning up and I think I'll go help her.”

She reached out and grabbed his hand, giving it a squeeze to silently say thankful, and he smiled and nodded before disappearing the way he came in. Shea glanced at her and asked, “You sure you're okay?”

“No, but I think that's gonna take time.” She told him honestly, and he nodded his head slowly.

“Why don't you go upstairs? Lay down or something.” Shea told her, placing his hand on her back as he tried to lead her out of the kitchen.

“I can help clean, I should.” She stated, being stubborn and trying to keep him from steering her toward the stairs.

“Riley we got it, just go rest. Please.” Shea told her softly, leaning down to kiss her cheek before he gave her a gentle push toward the stairs.

She sighed but went up them anyway, and walked down the hall toward the master bedroom. She closed both the doors behind her and leaned against them, hands on her knees as she took in a few deep breaths of air. She waited until she could confidently breathe without it getting stuck in her throat before she pushed off of the doors and walked over to the bed, kicking her ballet flats off she crawled onto the king size and laid her head on the pillow.

Staring at the ceiling she felt tears spill out from her eyes, running down her temples and into her hair but she didn't bother to wipe them away. She wasn't sure she could move, even if she wanted to right now. Her whole body felt bruised, and it felt as if it might fall apart if she moved even an inch.

A few hours later Shea gently knocked on the door before he pushed it open and walked inside, closing it behind him. Riley was asleep on the bed, still in her clothes, on top of the covers, he slipped out of his shoes and changed from his suit into a pair of sweat pants and when he came out of the closet she was sitting up and awake.

“Did I wake you?” He asked softly, watching as she shook her head. He walked over to the dresser and grabbed her a pair of pyjamas, before he sat down beside her and pushed her hair over one of her shoulders, unzipping her dress and pushing it off of her shoulders. When the dress was around her waist he unclasped her bra and pulled it off, and pulled a t-shirt over her head. Riley shifted enough to push the dress past her butt and down her legs, neither of them bothered picking it up off the floor as Shea knelt down in front of her and put both of her legs through the pjyama bottoms.

He kissed her forehead again before he turned the lights off and laid down in bed, pulling her back down beside him, he laid one arm over her middle as the other tucked itself underneath her pillow. Riley tilted her head to lean against his and she tangled her fingers with his as she said, “I'm sorry.”

“For what?” He asked in confusion.

She shrugged, played with his fingers on the hand that was tangled with hers and explained, “Just... not being here today I guess. I just... you did so much today and I'm sorry.

Shaking his head Shea told her, “Don't ever apologize for that. I wanted to do those things. Riley you did all those things for me, let me do them for you now. You kept me from completely falling apart, I'm gonna do all that and more for you.

“I love you.” She told him, tilting her head long enough to kiss his lips softly before she returned to her former position

He squeezed her hand and said, “I love you too Ry.”