Seven Year Ache

“How are you feeling today?” Shea asked Riley as he sat down on one of the chairs on the balcony off of their bedroom in the Kelowna house. She was seated next to him, still in her flannel pyjama bottoms and long sleeve top, her hair pulled up into a neat pony tail that hung down half of her back, her eyes not quite as red and puffy as they had been the day before.

She didn't turn to look at him, but she accepted the cup of hot tea he placed in her hands gratefully, as she looked out at the mountains before them she told him, “Okay. I think.”

He reached out and gave her thigh a gentle squeeze and told her, “You'll be okay.”

She nodded slowly, brought the cup up to her lips and took a drink before she rested it in her lap again. She tore her eyes away from the breathtaking view in front of her to look down at her hands, wrapped around the cup of tea and she told him, “You're gonna get sick.”

He glanced down at his outfit, socks, sweat pants and a t-shirt, before he looked at her and said, “You too.”

It was minus five, not too cold but still not very warm, there was snow all over the ground, Shea had taken a shovel to the balcony the first morning they were here and thankfully it hadn't snowed since. Riley smiled gently and told him, “I miss the snow.”

He shook his head, amused, and said, “You're weird.”

She chuckled and shrugged, “Maybe.”

Curiously Shea asked her, "What about everything with Christina...?"

Riley shrugged her shoulders but she didn't have an immediate response for him. They hadn't talked about her since her little appearance the day before, but then again they hadn't really talked about much of anything since. Finally she told Shea, "I don't know how to feel about that whole thing yet."

"Are you gonna talk to her again?" Shea asked her, watching as she shook her head.

"I meant it when I said I wanted nothing to do with her, she doesn't get to leave and come back twenty years later to try to be a mother. It doesn't work like that." Riley stated, and when Shea nodded she added, "I needed her when I was seven, not twenty-seven."

"What about what she was saying... about her and Dave?" He had wanted to ask the question way before now, but it never felt like the right time. He knew how this period of time was, what it was like and how it worked, so he chose to keep his mouth shut until it seemed like an okay time to ask.

Riley glanced at him for a moment, she knew he was curious and that's exactly why she told him, "When I was... fourteen I think we had a conversation about it. He always kind of skirted around the subject whenever I asked so I knew it was more than what he said it was originally. She was right, they did have some pretty awful fights, I actually remember a few of them, but he didn't force her to leave and she never wanted to stay anyway. I was a total surprise, one that Dave adjusted to because that's what you do, Christina never wanted to be a mom, and I guess she tried and that counts for something but her never being around vs her taking off when I was old enough to remember it... I'd take her never being around every time.

He tried to get her to stay, or to to at least stay in my life even if she did leave but it didn't work. You can't force someone to stay when they didn't want to and even if he had and she did stay what kind of childhood was that setting me up for? I've just never seen the point in wanting her around when she never wanted to be in my life, you know? I meant it when I said I've done fine without her and I don't need her anymore. She left and now I have a serious affliction for pancakes."

Shea raised his eyebrow and asked, "Pancakes?"

Nodding her head Riley told him, "Yup, can't even think of them. The last meal we had as a family was pancakes for dinner."

"I always just thought you didn't like them." Shea told her, surprised by this. He had found it weird that she didn't like pancakes, but he never thought much into it. All this time to him it was just Riley didn't like pancakes and he was okay with not making them.

Her cheeks flushed and she said, "I just... don't like to talk about... all of that. I don't want anything to do with her but it doesn't mean her leaving didn't hurt. You know?"

He nodded and they sat in silence for a long time after that, simply staring out beyond the balcony. Finally Shea glanced down at his socked feet and cleared his throat, bringing up what he had been avoiding for the last day he had in Kelowna, “I have to leave tonight.”

“I know.” Riley told him, and just as he was about to ask she said softly, her voice barely above a whisper, “I don't think I can go with you.”

“Now or ever?” He asked her curiously, he knew this would come up eventually during this trip home, but he had hoped that sinking feeling he had about her not coming back with him was just him being insecure.

“I don't know.” She admitted honestly, tightening her grip on the mug in her hands as she dug her nails into the ceramic. Shea nodded slowly, and Riley turned to look at him as she asked, “I'm just not ready for that right now, there's so much I still have to do here and I just don't know when I'll be ready to come back there. Is that okay?”

It wasn't, not to him, but he didn't tell her that. He smiled softly and nodded, reaching out to run his thumb down the side of her face as he told her, “That's okay. I get it.”

“I'm sorry.” She told him, and he shook his head at her again.

“Stop saying that, you don't have to. Riley, believe me, I get all of this, everything you're going through right now. What's going on in your head, I get it. Just please don't push me away because you need someone right now.” He told her gently, reaching out he pulled one of her hands away from the mug in her lap and clasped his hand around it.

“Thank you, for being here for all of this. For me.” Riley told him, she pulled her hand from his and carefully picked up the mug again, standing up she told him, “It's cold. Let's go inside.”

He smiled and followed her inside, tightly pulling the door closed behind them. Shea followed her downstairs and into the kitchen, where Quinn and Pekka were attempting to make breakfast, their laughter slowed to a stop when they saw Shea and Riley walk in and Pekka asked Shea, “Wanna take over before we burn your nice house down?”

Shea shook his head in amusement and grabbed the spatula from him, immediately turning the element down from an eight to a three for their eggs. He adjusted the heat on the element holding the pan full of bacon and breakfast sausage and turned to glance at Riley, who stood by the counter and stared at the pattern on the counter top. She was pulled out of her thoughts when Pekka grabbed the orange juice from the fridge and set it on the table. She reached into the cupboard and pulled down four glasses, bringing them over to the table, filling them all.

While Pekka wandered further into the kitchen to talk to Shea Quinn looked at Riley and asked, “Did you get any sleep?”

She shrugged as she finished filling the last cup and told her, “A little. What about you? Did Shea grab you an extra blanket? That room is always the coldest in the house.”

Quinn nodded, “He did. You sure you're okay with me staying? I can leave Riley.”

She shook her head vigorously and told her, “No, please stay. I'd like the company honestly.”

Quinn smiled and nodded, asking, “You want to have a movie night tonight after we take them to the airport?”

“That sounds great.” Riley told her, giving her a smile.

The four of them enjoyed breakfast together, the table was loud even though Riley didn't do much of the talking, she enjoyed the noise and company. She and Quinn cleaned the kitchen while Shea took Pekka with him to get more groceries so that Riley didn't have to worry about food for a while. When they got home Riley was sitting on the bench by the door with a jacket and boots on, her hair hidden underneath a tuque and mitts pulled over her fingers.

Shea gave her a weird look and joked, “It's cool in here but not that bad.”

She shot him a look, “Ha ha. I wanted to go for a walk, wanna come?”

Pekka interrupted to tell Shea, “We'll put the food away, you guys go.”

He nodded slowly, grabbed a hat and some mitts of his own, swapping runners for a pair of old boots that barely fit anymore. He held the door open for Riley and they walked side by side through a path behind the house between sections of trees where they took Dug for walks in the summer, creating their own path in the still untouched snow.

After a few seconds of silence Riley told him, “Dave hated this house you know.”

Shea raised his eyebrow at her in surprise, “He did?”

She nodded her head and explained, “He said there was too much privacy, and all the woods behind us was just a recipe for disaster.”

Shea let out a soft chuckle, lifting a low branch on a tree for them to step under without hitting it before he said, “I never thought of that.”

“He spent weeks trying to convince me to convince you not to buy it.” Riley told him, a smile on her face as she thought of that. She then told Shea, “I think that's part of the reason why he refused to live here instead of downtown.”

“When I flew him out to Vancouver to ask him if I could ask you to marry me he asked me something that I've been meaning to tell you for months but I couldn't figure out how to.” Shea started, before he stopped, unsure of how to finish his statement.

Riley reached out, clasping her hand around his she told him, “I know. He told me.”

“He did?” Shea asked in surprise.

She nodded and told him, “And I really appreciate that, but I would so never let you.”

Shea smiled gently and said, “That's what I love about you.”

“Oh yeah? What else?” She asked curiously, wondering if his answers had changed in the years since he had told her.

He thought about it for a moment before he told her, “I could tell you but then we'd be here for a week.”

She rolled her eyes and Shea pulled her into his side, he stopped walking, so did she, and he leaned down, pressing his lips against her for a soft kiss. After a few seconds they pulled apart and Riley told him, “Just so you know, I totally have more things I love about you than you have about me.”

He let out a booming laugh at her statement, leave it to Riley to make that into a competition. He reached down and pinched her butt, making her jump in her spot and narrow her eyes at him. Something occurred to him as they started walking again and he mused out loud, “I wonder if he ever knew about all those times I climbed into your bedroom window at night and then snuck out before he woke up.”

“He did.” She stated easily, and when he raised his eyebrow at him she explained, “You're not exactly Tinkerbell you know. A six foot something two hundred plus pound teenage boy climbing through a window? Not exactly quiet.”

He chuckled and shrugged, asking curiously, “Why didn't he ever come in and kick me out? Or at least mention it?”

Riley shrugged her shoulders and told him, “Probably because he liked you, and trusted both of us.”

“You think?” He asked her curiously.

“That and he knew neither of us would have the balls to mess around with him down the hall.” Riley stated, making them both laugh. When they fell into silence she added, “That would have been suicide. I can totally picture him coming into my bedroom and throwing you outside without your clothes on.”

Shea's cheeks pinked and he asked, “Thank God we we're smart enough to wait until he wasn't home to mess around, huh?”

“Amen.” Riley stated, again making him chuckle.

After a few seconds of silence Shea told her quietly, unsure of whether he should even bring it up, “I'm sorry I didn't get there sooner Ry.”

She nodded and said, “I know, and it's okay. I'm just glad you did get there. Truthfully I wanted you to come with me I just couldn't ask.”

“I knew, you have an awful poker face.” He told her, lightening the mood for a moment, and when she smiled he told her, more serious, “Every sacrifice you make for me and my career... I hope you know I see them and I really appreciate them, and you for making them.”

She nudged his bicep with her shoulder and said, “You're just trying to suck up to me.”

“Caught me.” He joked with a smile on his face.

Hours later they were standing in the airport, and Riley was reminded of years ago when she saw Shea off for his first official pro hockey season. She had given Pekka a hug, thanked him for coming and promised she would text him at least once a day to let him know she was okay, and now she stood in front of Shea. She could tell he was disappointed that she wasn't getting on that plane with him, but she was thankful that he at least understood why, even if he didn't like it.

He shifted from one foot to the other, his boarding pass and passport tucked into the kangaroo pocket of his hoodie. She reached out, grabbing his wrist in an attempt to steady him, so he stopped moving and she stepped closer to him, they were nearly completely touching now. She let go of his wrists and looked up at him, telling him, “I'll see you.”

He smiled and nodded, leaning down to kiss her softly. Riley reached up, her hands on either sides of his face, and she pulled herself tightly against him as his arms lazily wrapped around her waist. When they pulled apart she wrapped her arms around his neck and rested her chin on his shoulder, which was how they stood for a few moments of time. Shea wondered when the next time he would get to do this was, and Riley wondered what she was going to do, and where she was going to go after this.

Finally they pulled apart, Riley dropped back onto the heels of her feet, she pushed his passport further into his pocket so that it didn't fall out, before she tangled their fingers together and she asked, “You'll call when you get in?”

He nodded his head and told her, “I'll call.”

“I love you.” She told him firmly, making sure he heard her and he knew it. She couldn't fix the fact that she wasn't ready to go back to Nashville, to go back to their life, but she hoped that reminding him that she loved him would be enough to get him onto that plane and to not be angry with her for not going with him.

“I love you too.” He told her, leaning down to kiss her quickly once more before he cleared his throat and asked, “Promise you'll come home eventually? When you're ready.”

She nodded but she couldn't speak, so Shea gave her hand one more squeeze before he turned around and followed Pekka into security. Riley and Quinn waited until they could no longer see the two hockey players before they turned around and left the arena. Riley drove them home, and once they got home Quinn ordered pizza while Riley picked out a movie for them to watch.

Once their dinner arrived Quinn brought it and two filled wine glasses over to the couch where Riley was sitting, they spread blankets across their laps and ate dinner in relative silence while watching some kind of old TV show they barely paid attention to. Once they were both done eating Quinn asked, “You sure you're okay?”

Riley shrugged her shoulders and told her, “Not really, but I'm working on that. Some minutes are better than others, you know?”

Quinn nodded her head and told her, “I know, but you'll figure it out and you'll be okay.”

“I hope so.” Riley said softly.

“Besides, if I moved to Nashville and you never come back that is so not okay.” Quinn joked, chuckling when Riley's head snapped over toward her in surprise.

“You moved to Nashville?” Riley exclaimed in both surprise and excitement.

Nodding her head Quinn told her, “Moving. Our place in Pitt is almost all packed up, and baring any major issues I'll be there by the end of the month.”

“James must be ecstatic.” Riley said, knowing how much the new winger hated living in a separate state from his girlfriend. Riley could sympathize with that one easily.

“He is, and so am I. I was a little nervous at the idea at first, because I wasn't sure where we stood, but if there's one thing that has always made sense in my life it's James. I didn't want to throw that away or lose that just because I was afraid of what might or might not happen if I left Pittsburgh to be with him in Nashville. You know?” Quinn asked her, taking a sip of her wine.

Riley nodded and told her, “I definitely get that.”

“He really loves Nashville and the Preds, and he's so happy there... and I love it there too. It's nice to finally be a part of a team that I don't feel like I'm being pushed out of you know?” Quinn stated, making Riley nod her head.

“I'm really sorry you had such a shitty experience there, but I'm glad you like Nashville and our team. Because we all really like you guys so...” Riley told her with a small smile as she took a drink of her own wine.

Quinn grinned and said, “Yeah, I didn't know what to expect when he first got traded... honestly I didn't expect for the fan base to be so big, or so great.”

“Yeah, it surprised me too.” Riley said, taking another drink before she added, “But there's no better place to be than Nashville.”

“Yeah?” Quinn asked, clearly making a point.

Riley nodded and said, “Yeah, I just need some time to be by myself... away from Shea you know? Just for a little bit. I've never gotten the chance to be anything but the captain’s girlfriend, so I need to take some time for myself and make sure I'm 100% ready to go back. Because right now I'm not, and I know if I went back with him all the work we've done to fix things would go right out of the window again, and I really don't want that to happen ever again.”

“Ever since I met you guys, even though I could tell there was something going on, I’ve been so jealous of what you two have.” Quinn told her.

“Really? Why?”

Quinn shot her a look and said, “I told you before that he looks at you like nothing I’ve ever seen before. It’s really something special to see you two together, you can just tell that you have this really great love and probably a pretty incredible story to go with it.”

Riley smiled gently and said, “I promise, that when I’m ready I’ll come back to Nashville.”