Seven Year Ache

“You know you can always come home.” Riley rolled her eyes at her fathers words. He had called an hour previous and she had tried so hard to skirt around any questions about Shea and she was clearly very unsuccessful in trying to keep this a secret. Even her father, in another country, knew and she wondered how many other people did.

“It's not that bad.” She lied, pulling the blanket from the back of the couch over her legs.

She heard him sigh on the other end of the line and then he told her, “You keep saying that but every time I call you sound more and more miserable Ry.”

“I don't know what you want me to say.” She told him truthfully, running her hands along the soft blanket that had been a gift from Shea's mom many years ago.

“I want you to tell me that you'll come home when things get really bad. Not just stay there living the way you have been. It's not right Riley.” She sighed when he said this.

“I just... I'm twenty seven years old. Starting over completely and living with my dad isn't exactly the dream you know?” She asked, stretching her legs out onto the coffee table. Dug got up from his bed and walked over to her, putting his head on her lap so she would pet him.

“Any father would rather have their twenty seven year old daughter move back in with them than have her being treated the way he's treating you lately.” He told her, and she could tell by the tone of his voice that he wanted her to stop arguing with him.

However Riley wasn't about to do that and she told him, “It's not just him though. I push him when I know I shouldn't. I'm just as much to blame for this as he is.”

“Maybe so, but it still doesn't mean you have to stay there.”

“Can we talk about something else?” Riley asked, glancing to the table beside the couch as her cell phone beeped. She unlocked it, expecting it to be Shea, no matter how bad things were between them he still let her know when they arrived or were leaving each city on a road trip. However it wasn't Shea, it was Quinn.

Thought you might be lonely with the boys on the road and I could use your advise.

“Alright I saw Lindsay the other day.” Her dad told her, and Riley was surprised. She and Lindsay had a falling out in high school, had reconnected during university and then lost touch again, Riley hadn't talked to her in years. Her dad added, “She said to tell you hi. She got married last year, having a baby in March.”

That hit her harder than she expected it to. It wasn't like she expected her and Shea to have gotten married and had kids by now, neither of them wanted that so soon, but before all their problems developed this year she thought maybe this was the year she might get a ring. She understood why he never asked the last few seasons, it wasn't right for either of them, but even before this season she was starting to have doubts that he ever would.

“You still there?” Her dad pulled her from her thoughts.

“Yeah, that's great for her.” Riley stated, hoping she was doing a better job at hiding how she really felt than she thought she was.

She sent a reply to Quinn, telling her to give her twenty minutes and she was all hers as her dad told her, “Just come home kid.”

“Why do you keep pushing that?” She asked him curiously.

“Because I don't even have to see you to know you're miserable. Just come home, it can't be worth it.” Riley let out a sigh when he said this, and she looked down at her phone when it beeped again. It was just Shea telling her they were getting ready to head to the airport.

“I don't know if I'm ready to give up yet, I mean this is pretty much twelve years of my life isn't that worth trying a little longer for?” Riley asked him, hoping it came off as more than her trying to justify why she was staying still. It was the truth, she really did want to just throw in the towel yet, no matter how bad things were, but it didn't mean she didn't still wonder about getting on a plane and leaving. She heard her dad yawn on the other end so she told him, “Get to bed old man.”

He let out a loud chuckle and tell her, “I could say the same to you, it's two hours later there.”

“I'll call you before the end of the week okay?” Riley asked, getting up off the couch. She was yanking the laptop that was tucked away in a cubby under the TV in the entertainment stand when she heard her phone beep three times.

“Alright, talk to you then.” There was a pause before he told her softly, “I love you kiddo.”

“Love you too dad.”

There was a huge, long winded text from Quinn waiting on her phone that made her chuckle as she settled back onto the couch to read it. It was about Quinn wanting to surprise James at the end of the month by bringing the dog and herself for a visit but not knowing his schedule or if he'd even like the surprise. Riley could remember a similar time, many years ago, when she had been trying to plan the same thing for Shea.

She opened the laptop, logged on with Shea's password and nearly shook her head at the fact that they had many arguments about him using the same password for everything. She opened up the internet and went on the United Arilines website before she picked up her phone and responded to Quinn, telling her she would email her their schedule in a few minutes.

She set the phone done beside her and found the search for flights option, typing in Nashville to Kelowna before hitting search. The earliest was tomorrow, and there were flights nearly every day after that, she could literally be gone in hours. She wondered how long it might take her to pack her things, probably not very. Then it hit her.

She had nothing.

No money, no belongings, she didn't even have enough to rent an apartment even if someone would be crazy enough to rent to her. She didn't have references, she didn't have past living experience and everything she owned was in Shea's name. The only job experience she had was a part time job in high school.

She glanced around the house, feeling like she was going stir crazy alone in here. It was too big for one person, actually it was too big for the two of them but Shea's reasoning was because eventually it would be filled up and they might as well just build it now. Once upon a time she loved being in this house, Shea had literally built her dream house for her which she knew not a lot of women got the chance to have. Now though, it was always quiet, and cold, and it felt like the walls were closing in on her most days.

She threw the blanket off of her, and walked to the door, shoving her feet into flip flops she grabbed her keys and left the house. Sitting in the car, in the garage, for nearly fifteen minutes Riley didn't even know where to go, Shea would be home tonight and she didn't know yet if she wanted to be there when he was. She went through the list of people she knew, a long one yet there was only one name that stood out; Kelly. She would go to Kelly and Craig's, she wouldn't need to explain anything to her and she wouldn't have to worry about everyone in the wives room knowing by the next morning.

She was pulling up to the stop sign on her street when Kelly answered the phone, “You're lucky I wasn't in bed yet.”

“I'm sorry.”

“What's wrong? You sound like you're crying.” Figures she'd pick that up.

Riley let out a mixture of a laugh and a cry, reached up to wipe her cheeks and told her, “I'm like 4 houses down.”

“I'll unlock the door, just come on in. I'll get some hot chocolate on.” When the call was ended and Riley was pulling into the driveway she let out a sigh, looked in the rear view mirror and sighed again. Reaching up she tried to wipe up the black mascara under her eyes before she decided she was only making it worse and got out of the car.

She walked into the house, barely having time to take her shoes off before she was greeted by Max, their two year old Lab. She bent down and even let him lick her face as she gave him a good pet, glad he didn't get aggressive at the smell of other dogs. She looked up when she heard feet on the floor to find Kelly standing at the entrance to the kitchen holding two steaming mugs.

“Does this require Kahlua?” She asked with a smile.

As they were walking into the living room Riley told her, “More of a straight tequila night.”

“How very John Anderson of you.” Kelly stated as they sat on the couch. Riley curled her feet under her and stared at the space between them which was when Kelly asked, “So what's going on?”

“I don't even know where to start.” Riley admitted, suddenly so unsure about her decision to come here in the first place. The smarter part of her knew she should have waited until Shea got home and had this conversation with him but then again the smarter part of her knew if either of them had done that before now she wouldn't be here.

“How about with what caused the mess on your face?” Kelly asked, and she was surprised when Riley let out a chuckle at the comment about the mascara under her eyes.

Riley took in a deep breath, took a sip of her hot chocolate before she set it on a coaster on the coffee table and told Kelly, “I was looking up flights back to Kelowna.”

“To visit?” Kelly asked, and Riley shook her head.

“I was looking up flights and when they left and I was trying to figure out how long it would take to pack my things and then I realized I don't have anything.” Riley said, shaking her head when Kelly gave her a look. She explained, “I don't. My vehicle? Shea's. The house? Shea's. Fuck even my phone is in his name. Everything I have is his.”

“It's not like you don't contribute, everyone knows Shea would crash and burn without you.” Kelly told her in an attempt to comfort her.

“I haven't had a job since I was 19, I have a business degree I never got to use. Who would rent me an apartment? Who would hire me when I haven't worked in seven years?” She was full on crying now and Kelly had no idea what to do other than give her hand a pat. Riley just continued her rant slash freak out, “My options are to move home and live off my dad until I get on my feet or to stay here with Shea and continue this until he decides he's over it.”

“You can always move in here.” When Riley shot her a look Kelly told her, “Craig and I could adopt you and then I don't have to have any babies.”

Riley let out a laugh, which Kelly was surprised with, and then as she was wiping under her eyes Riley told her, “I'm older than both of you.”

“We'll just drop the two and say you're seven.” Kelly assured her, before she got more serious and asked her, “Have you talked to Shea? Maybe if he knows all this he'll figure his shit out.”

“I can't talk to him without him blowing up and lately if it's not him blowing up it's me and I really don't know how much more I can take of this. Does it make me a bad person if I hate him right now?” Riley asked quietly, unsure of what Kelly might think. Kelly was, as far as Riley was concerned, the most normal out of all of the other wives and girlfriends. She worked, she was around for Craig but she didn't think his career was the be all end all and she wasn't afraid of telling him that but that didn't mean Riley didn't worry that she might judge her for thinking that.

“Not at all, but can I ask where that came from?”

“I'm all over the place right now. One second I want to fix things and then I want to leave and then I'm having a meltdown and I want to stay again.” Riley told her as a sort of apology. Kelly nodded in understanding, a lot of people got laughs out of their lives, sometimes she did as well, but no one really understands how hard it is being the significant other of an athlete. It's an up and down roller coaster ride that had a lot of rewards but it also had it's tough moments. Riley then explained to her, “It's just like he begs me to move here, which was my choice 100%, and he's doing so great right now he's playing amazing and his career is doing great and I'm here with nothing and it feels like he's just leaving me behind and I really want to hate him right now, I think I might actually.”

“I get it. You feel like his life is going up and yours is going down and it's hard to watch the person you love doing so well when you feel like you're drowning and they don't even seem to notice.” Kelly told her, glancing at her phone as it buzzed. She frowned and told Riley, “Not to push you or anything but Craig just text me saying they're in.”

“I should get going.”Riley stated, bringing her empty mug into the kitchen.

She was putting it in the dishwasher when Kelly told her, “Or you can stay and I'll get the guest room ready. Your choice.”

She contemplated it for a moment, before shaking her head and telling Kelly, “I should go.”

Kelly nodded and walked her to the door, where she told her, “I was serious about the guest room thing, any time you need it.”

“Thank you for that, and for tonight.” Riley told her, giving her a tight hug, petting Max quickly before she was out the door and getting into her vehicle.

It was a twenty five minute drive from Kelly's to her own house, which was filled with a pros and cons list. The pros of leaving was a small list, the only thing it comprised of was that being here was draining both mentally and physically, and she did wonder how different her life might be if she got the chance to be something other than the captains girl. The cons list was much larger and she realized that the starting over with nothing was at the bottom of the list. At the top was Shea, despite all she had said to Kelly and all she had thought over the last few months she was so incredibly in love with him it almost hurt and the idea of leaving him, and the way it would affect him, the tiniest possibility that it might hurt him if she left was on the top of the list.

As she put the car in park in the driveway, not bothering to pull into the garage after seeing all the lights were on in the house, Riley looked over at the house they had spent over a year designing and building. It wasn't huge, there were so many other houses she passed on a daily basis that were much larger, in fact their house was the smallest on their street. It was just the right size for a family, with big huge windows and a huge backyard that Shea at one point talked about building a swing set and a sand box in. It appeared to be the perfect family home to everyone else but to Riley it felt like a castle. A great, big, empty castle that she felt locked inside sometimes.

Shea was sitting at the dining room table when she walked in the house, he looked up when he heard her feet on the floor, and then looked back down at his phone. She set her keys in the bowl above the dishwasher and leaned her back against the counter, watching him while he stared at his phone. Finally she cleared her throat and asked him, “How was your flight?”

“It was fine. Craig mentioned you were at his place.” Shea stated with an edge to his voice, but he still didn't look over at her.

“Am I not allowed to see friends now?” She asked him in annoyance, and before he could say anything she exclaimed, “What am I supposed to do Shea? Sit around this fucking house all day with no contact to the outside world? Is that what you'd prefer?”

He blinked a few times slowly before he set his phone down and told her, “No I'd prefer that my teammates don't know my personal business. I'd like to be able to go on a road trip and not have one of them ask me if I knew why my girlfriend was at their house having a meltdown.”

“Guess he figured that you of all people should have known why.” Riley muttered, opening the fridge door. She wasn't hungry or thirsty, but she needed to look at something other than Shea.

“I don't know what the fuck is going on with you Riley but keep my team out of it. I don't need this shit dragged into the locker room.” Shea told her, and he watched as she slammed the fridge shut and whipped around to look at him with hard eyes.

She was fuming and she knew he knew it, “Just so we're clear then I'm not allowed to have friends. Okay, thanks for the clarification I get it now.”

“I don't even know what the fuck to say anymore.” He mumbled, pushing his hands through his hair.

“That makes two of us.” She said under her breath, grabbing a glass from the cupboard. Shea watched the glass slide right out of her hands and onto the counter, she cursed as it broke, and the ruckus caused Dug to start barking. Eventually, when he wouldn't stop she yelled, “Shut up Dug!”

He whined, but stopped barking and Shea stated, “That's nice, freak out at the dog Riley.”

“Just stop.” She was trying to warn him that she might just explode if he kept pushing her.

He clearly didn't get the message though as he told her, “Maybe you should go visit your dad or something. Go on a trip, get away from here. This is too much for both of us right now.”

She was trying to gather the broken glass into her hands when he said that, and instead of bringing it to the garbage can she tossed it all back onto the counter and told him, “God you're so fucking infuriating sometimes.”

He rolled his eyes as she said this, but instead of responding he simply walked up beside her and started to pick up the broken glass. Riley simply watching his hands, her entire body was vibrating, all she wanted to do was freak out. She wanted to scream at him, she wanted to cry, and what surprised her the most was that she wanted to hit him. She wanted to ball up her tiny fists and hit him as hard as she could, but there wasn't an ounce in her that could really do it.

When the mess was cleaned up she left the kitchen without a word, and Shea listened to the door close in their bedroom. He sat down at the table again, head in his hands and all he could do was think of was her telling him you're so fucking infuriating and the way she looked while he was cleaning up the glass. They couldn't keep doing this to each other.

Riley paced the floor of the bedroom, her hands wringing through her hair as she bit down hard on her lip and tried to keep the tears from spilling over onto her cheeks. She had half the mind to go back down there, but she wasn't sure if she would get angry or not again. That wasn't her, she wasn't an angry person, she wasn't a yeller and she definitely wasn't the kind of person that wanted to hit someone let alone Shea. She had never felt that way, that angry before and it scared her.