Status: Story contains self harm. Read at your discretion
Adrenalize
Adrenalize
It was my first encounter with the monster in a week and it had already taken over me. The spectral image of the monster stared back at me in the mirror fiercely, with toxic eyes. I couldn’t do anything. I was trapped. A scream bubbled somewhere inside of me, but I couldn’t find the voice to let it out. What was happening to me? I was going to die. My breathing was silent but pounding in a rhythmic pattern as I continued to stare blankly in the mirror. I took a deep breath, allowed my eyes to flutter closed, and gasped a little upon opening them again. I looked sickly. My once voluminous and colorful almond hair was now dull and flat, thinning at a fast rate. Once bright, hazel eyes were now droopy as if I was suffering from lack of sleep. This is what the monster has done to me.
My name is Harmonee Walker, I’m 19 years old, and I’m a drug addict.
***
I’m from a very small town in Nebraska called Elwood. My older sister Bethany and I were born and raised on a small farm in a barn style house. We didn’t have any neighbors. My high school had less than 200 people total, so everyone knew everyone. I was the good girl. The one who got good grades, took advanced classes, and never got in trouble for anything. My sister was the same way. Our parents were the kind of people that thought that success was everything; if you were good at school and excelled, you would have a good life and make a lot of money. That pressured me to get good grades. I graduated high school with a 4.0 GPA and honors.
I thought college would be easy. I did well in high school, and I knew that college was going to be harder and there was going to be more work, but I thought that I would get through it the same way as I did high school. I didn’t know exactly what I was getting into.
Miami isn’t Nebraska, that was for sure. The small town where I was from had only a gas station and a small grocery store. My high school was in the next city over, about 45 minutes away. It was a big move, to say the least. So big, that my boyfriend from high school decided to break up with me because he was going to school across the country. But when you’re offered a full academic scholarship to the University of Miami, you don’t exactly say no. When I finally got to the college I was in awe at how many people were wandering the campus. It was like the whole state of Nebraska in one college campus. I knew no one, no one knew me. Buildings the size of skyscrapers were all around me. After looping around in circles a couple times and bumping into random strangers, I finally found my dorm. I fumbled with my keys before walking in. Upon entering the room, I found a petite blonde laying on one of the beds, reading. She looked up from her book to meet my eyes.
“Hi.” I greeted quietly. I wasn’t much of a people person. In fact, people often scared me. It was hard for me to go up and talk to someone. I was shy, introverted, reserved. I didn’t usually approach people first. Overpowering social anxiety didn’t exactly help, either.
“Hi!” Her voice was chipper. “I’m Ashley.” She stood up and made her way toward me. She held out her hand.
“Harmonee.” I plastered a smile on my face.
I examined her. She was a similar build to me, only a little bit shorter. She had golden blonde hair that just touched her shoulders, which framed her heart shaped face perfectly. Pool blue eyes were accented with a pair of rectangular glasses. I could tell she probably worked out. She was clad in a grey long sleeved top and skinny jeans. She was incredibly cute.
Ashley looked down at her watch. “Well, I gotta go to work. It was nice meeting you.”
I took a glance at my phone. “You work at 7 o’clock at night?”
She shrugged my comment off. “Night shift. I’ll see you later.” She grabbed her purse and a big duffel bag, and just like that, she was off.
I never liked the first day of school. My anxiety level was at its peak, only because I knew we would have to do introductions and speak in front of the class. I didn’t mind meeting people, actually, I quite enjoyed meeting new people, I just couldn’t talk to them. My first classes passed fairly quickly, and I managed to survive my first day of college, only to find that the work load was excessive and not at all what I expected. I was exhausted. When I got back to my dorm Ashley was sitting at her desk doing schoolwork.
“Hey.” I greeted with a smile. I was used to her after living with her for a week, so my anxiety level toward her had subsided a little bit.
“Hey.” She greeted, not looking up from her work.
“So, I need a job. And I don’t even know how to begin looking for one, and since you work a lot, I was thinking you’d be able to help me out?” She did work a lot, I noticed.
This time she looked up at me. “We’re always hiring. Come in with me tonight and I’ll talk to management for you.”
It had just dawned on me that I actually had no idea what she did for a living, only that she left late at night and came back early in the morning. “What is it that you do?”
“I’m a dancer.”
Her reply caused me to turn my head. “What?” I was confused.
“You know, like shake your booty for dollars.”
I paused. “You’re a stripper?”
Ashley shrugged casually. “I prefer the term ‘dancer’.”
“I’ve never…I mean I don’t know if I could…” My voice trailed off.
“It’s all teachable. And you get used to it. I’ve been dancing for a little over a year now.”
“Do you think I could do it?”
She stared at me and I could tell she was mentally examining me, which only made me feel a little uncomfortable.
“You’re cute.” She finally said. “You could do it.”
I never classified myself as ‘cute’. Average looking, maybe, but never cute. I was awkwardly tall, with long almond colored hair and hazel eyes to match. Nerdy may have been the more accurate word, for that was what my big square glasses would infer. I’d been meaning to get contacts for some time now. I thought for a moment. It might not be a bad idea, and it would get me closer to Ashley, which was the end goal all along. After spending so much time with her, I’d began to develop a crush on her. At the same time, I’d never danced before, only alone in my room and rarely even that. My hometown didn’t have any clubs so I didn’t know what one was like. I didn’t know what I was walking into, I didn’t know what to expect. I thought for a moment.
“Well there’s no harm in trying, is there?”
This was how I got introduced to the monster.
I was never impulsive. I was always the goody-goody rule follower of my group of friends in high school, which did get me made fun of from time to time. Anytime they wanted to do something drastic, I’d either try and stop them or stay out of it all together. I ran by a schedule, and because of my minor OCD whenever I was out of schedule I would be thrown off completely. I was ordinary. Boring. Something about college changed that about me. I went to my first college party where everyone was fifty shades of messed up on either alcohol or drugs, and I somehow agreed to be a stripper with my roommate. It could’ve been my new location, maybe it was the fact that I was finally away from my very religious and strict family, but either way, that part of me had changed. I couldn’t decide if this was a good thing or not.
I’d never worn heels before. The closest I’ve ever been to wearing heels was one time in 9th grade where I wore those wedge flip flops that made you look an inch taller. When Ashley brought me with her to her work the first thing she did was hand me a pair of 4 inch stilettos. Being my compliant self, I put them on reluctantly. I was already pretty tall- 5’7”-and the heels easily made me look 6 feet tall. I hesitantly took a few steps, wobbling like a baby duck.
“You’ll get used to them.” Ashley laughed. “You’ll need a name.”
I never knew that stripper names were a thing. But to be fair, my stripper knowledge up to this point was fairly minimal. I instantly thought of your typical cliché stripper names. Cinnamon. Diamond. Brittany.
“What’s yours?” I asked curiously.
“Nadia.”
I thought for a moment. “Jade.” My double life had begun.
Bright lights blinded my eyes as the next dancer was announced onto the stage. I watched as a petite brunette came out on stage and made her way toward the pole. Loud rock music that I barely recognized but sounded pretty good blasted from the speakers. I could only watch in awe as she began to spin and do some tricks. I leaned over to Ashley, who was sitting next to me at the bar.
“Will I learn how to do that?” I asked.
She chuckled. “We’ll teach you the basic stuff first.”
Later I found out that the ‘basic stuff’ consisted of twisting and turning my body in ways that I didn’t even know was possible. The next day I was so sore I could barely move my legs or arms.
That’s when I saw him.
He couldn’t have been much older than me, maybe in his late 20’s, clad in a black t-shirt and jeans. Dark sunglasses shielded his eyes from view, which didn’t make any sense to me because we were inside. He wasn’t bad looking by any means.
“Go talk to him.” Came a whisper in my ear. She must’ve noticed me staring at him.
My gaze switched over to Ashley. “I’m shy. It took me a week to warm up to you.”
“I was really shy at first, too. You get over it fairly quickly doing this.” She gave me a little nudge.
I stood up nervously, took a deep breath, and waddled over to him.
“Hi.” Was my timid greeting. Funny, I thought, a shy stripper.
He looked at me and smiled. “Hi there. Have a seat.” He patted the barstool next to him, and I sat down.
“What’s your name?”
I hesitated. “Uh, I’m Jade.” I was still getting used to the whole fake name, double life thing.
He held out his hand. “Nice to meet you, I’m David.”
We talked for a long time while watching the dancers on stage. We talked about the most random things. He asked me so many personal questions, I wasn’t sure how to answer them. The very first rule I was told by Ashley was to never give out personal information, by any means. When it was my turn to go up we said our goodbyes and I made my way toward the back to get ready.
Apparently he really liked me, for David became my regular, a term I wasn’t familiar with until I started working at the club. He came and saw me every night I worked, and easily spent a couple hundred dollars each time. I was rolling in the money.
“Hey.” I greeted Ashley as I walked into my room. “Are you working tonight?”
She looked up from her computer. “Yes, why?”
“Just wondering.”
Today was the day. Today I was going to tell Ashley how I felt about her. I was scared out of my mind, as usual. I’d never done anything like this before. I sat down on my bed and stared at her. She was beautiful. Breathtaking, actually. Every time she looked at me I got butterflies, I wanted to be around her all the time. I felt like we could be good together. I started to fiddle with my fingers nervously.
“So how do you like working?” She asked after a couple minutes of silence.
She snapped me out of my trance. “I like it, actually. I can actually afford stuff and not have to rely on other people for money as much. It’s nice.”
“That’s good. You’re doing really well too for a first timer.”
I smiled. “Thanks.”
Ashley looked down at her watch. “Well I’m going to get some coffee then head off to work. I’ll see you when I get back.” She got up and headed for the door.
I got up from my bed and followed her. “Wait.”
She turned around to look at me. I was standing right in front of her. My impulsivity must have kicked in, for the next thing I knew my lips crashed against hers, kissing her gently but with force at the same time. I pulled away after a couple of seconds and looked at her. She looked dazed and confused.
“What was that?” She finally said after a while.
I hesitated. “I’m sorry…” My voice trailed off. Only I wasn’t sorry. I was far from sorry. I would do it again if I could.
“Are you…? I mean, I’m not…” She stammered, looking as if she were searching for what else to say. She took a moment to compose herself. “I’m not into girls like that.”
I figured. “I’m sorry.” Was still all I could manage to say.
Ashley turned back around so her back was facing me, and opened the door. “Don’t ever do that
again.”
She moved out and into an apartment soon after that. That was the last time she had ever spoken to me.
As the school year went on, I was working a lot, I began to neglect my schoolwork. I thought, since I was making so much money, I didn’t really need school. I was skipping my classes to go hang out with David, which was a big no-no in the dancer world, you’re not supposed to hang out with customers outside of work, and usually I wouldn’t, but I used my best judgment and decided he was a safe person to be around. He was nice, and he treated me like a lady. Being around him so much I found myself slowly but surely becoming a different person. He made me branch out, actually talk to people, and he made me a lot more comfortable in public. Eventually, because I just didn’t care anymore, I dropped out of college.
He invited me to his apartment one day, which I thought was a little sketchy at first, but I trusted him.
“Let me show you what I do.” He said.
***
The monster took hold of me, grasped me by the arm and pulled me in. It laughed, cackled at me as it began to take complete control. I could barely breathe, but I needed more. I wanted more. Sweat dripped down my face and seeped into my clothing. Was this the end? I was on the ground, writhing in pain as my eyes began to close. The last thing I remember was loud sirens coming closer to me.
I never thought I’d get arrested. I’d never been that type of person. I’d never even gotten a parking ticket before. But when I woke up in a daze, I was laying in a hospital bed in a small cubicle of a room, with my hands tied in handcuffs behind me. Disregarding the current situation, the handcuffs were a fine accessory to my normal black t-shirt and skinny jeans ensemble.
I quit my job about a month ago. The monster had taken over me completely, it was as if we were the same person. And I figured I had made enough money to last me a while, and I always had a little bit extra to feed my addiction with the monster. I got kicked out of my college dorm since I had dropped all my classes, and moved into a low class, sketchy apartment complex.
I’d never thought I would have to be in rehab, either. I always thought I was too good for it. Not that I thought that people in rehab were bad people, I just thought my life was too ordinary for it to ever come to this. When I walked in I was half expecting a rundown wing, filled with noisy addicts who smelled like pee. Instead, I walked in to the main wing, escorted by a big bulky police officer, and found that the main hallway was empty. There were rooms on either side of the hall, all with the doors wide open. We made our way to the receptionist’s desk at the end of the hallway. The police officer told her my name, and then the receptionist opened a big filing cabinet to take out a manila envelope. She fiddled through some papers.
“This way.”
She led us down the hallway again, and this time we stopped in front of one of the rooms. I peeked inside. There were 3 beds. I didn’t like roommates. The beds were small, so there was no room for tossing and turning at night. They were clad in old, brown paisley sheets that looked like my grandma’s, and it smelled a little like her in there, too. There was a girl laying on one of the beds, reading.
“My name’s Jen. If you need anything, just ask.” And with the blink of an eye, they were both gone.
I took a step into my room and made my way toward the bed closest to the window, my favorite spot. I could feel the other girl staring at me.
“Hi.” Her voice was rather chipper. “I’m Kayla. What’s your name?”
I looked up at her. “I don’t have one.” Came my smart reply.
She was silent for a moment. “I think you’re lying.”
“Maybe I am.”
She didn’t say anything else after that, just continued to read her book. I sighed. I guess I should at least try and be nice, I thought. I stood up and sauntered over to the bathroom. There wasn’t a lock on the door, which made sense, but it instantly made me feel uncomfortable. The hot water on my skin stung, but was soothing at the same time. There was only one thing going through my mind at the time; I wanted to dance with the monster. I craved it. Tears mixed with water streamed down my face, so I didn’t know which was which. I stuck my arm out of the shower to reach into the pocket of my jeans. I pulled out my little blade. I examined my right wrist, staring blankly at the scars that were already there. The blade slowly made its way to my wrist and I gradually added more and more pressure against my skin. Not long after I saw a little dot of red liquid emerge. I cringed.
More. I needed more.
I slid the blade across my wrist, watching as the little red dot turned into a crimson stream. The only thing I could do was watch as blood trickled down my arm and fall onto the floor of the shower. It mixed with water and swirled down the drain. I stood there for a moment, not quite knowing what to do. I’d hit my lowest point. I tossed the blade back into the pocket of my pants, finished my shower, and got dressed in the pale blue scrubs that I had been given upon first arriving to the facility. They were paper thin and could probably rip at any moment, but at least the color looked good on me. It felt good to finally be in clean clothes. Kayla was still reading her book when I got out of the shower.
I didn’t have many friends, mostly because I shut them all out shortly after the monster. The monster was my only friend. And David, of course, but he had stopped talking to me soon after I got arrested. I guess he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. Visiting hours at the facility were every night, after dinner. I didn’t expect anyone to visit me, I didn’t think anyone knew that I was even there. I was sitting in the main room, writing, while watching all of the visitors pour into the room. Everyone was hyped up for visiting hours, but I didn’t really see a point. Why would you want someone to see you at your lowest point?
“Harmonee?”
I turned at the sound of my name. Jen the receptionist was standing at the door with a clipboard in her hands. She looked up from her papers and then up at me. I stood up and walked toward her.
“You have a visitor.” She said, looking back down at her clipboard.
I shot her a confused look as she let me out of the room and across the hallway. I saw a familiar head of blonde hair. Ashley. I hadn’t seen her in what seemed like years but was only months. I was too busy flirting with the monster to talk to her and even begin to fix our relationship.
“Hey.” She greeted. Her voice sounded hesitant as she walked toward me and pulled me in for a hug. She wrapped her arms around me protectively. I pushed her away.
“What are you doing here? I didn’t call you.” The only person I called was David, to let him know I was in this place. He didn’t answer me.
“David came to the club last night and talked to me, said he was really worried about you. I thought something had happened to you.”
“Well something did happen to me. They took me away, put me in this hellhole.”
“You need to get better and-“
I cut her off. “I’m fine.” I said, even though I knew I wasn’t. I knew there was something wrong with me. I knew that I probably had to stop, the only problem was I didn’t exactly know how. The monster had been a part of my life for a while now, I felt like it was a part of me, like it defined me somehow.
“You’re not though.” Her voice sounded genuinely concerned, and I knew that she probably meant well, but I just wanted her to leave. “Let’s just talk.”
“What is there to talk about? You left under the impression that you never wanted to see me again.”
“I’m rooting for you.” She completely ignored my comment.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“It means I know you can fight this. I know you can get better. I believe in you.”
“That means nothing to me.”
Ashley sighed. “I’m trying to help.”
“Well I don’t need your help!” I snapped. “You’re no better than me.”
“I never said that-“
“But that’s what you meant. I want you to go.” I said calmly. She looked at me with sad eyes. I didn’t know what else to say to her. Did I really want her to go? Not really. But I certainly didn’t want her to see me like this. I saw her walk away from me, and watched as she walked down the hallway and out the door.
I stood there for a moment, not quite sure what to do next. After a couple minutes of standing awkwardly in the hallway I went back to my room. Kayla was laying on her bed, staring up at the ceiling. She turned to look at me without saying anything.
I sighed deeply. “Harmonee.”
I was there for a week. They thought I was clean. Hell, I thought I was clean. But when I got out the very first thing I wanted to do was dance with the monster. I called David.
“Hey, I’m coming over.” I said. My voice was urgent.
“Hell no you’re not coming over. You almost got me caught!” He sounded pretty pissed off. I probably would be too given the current situation.
“What?” I was confused.
He hung up on me after that. That was the last time David ever spoke to me.
I was officially on my own. I didn’t know anyone here anymore, and I was pretty much done with people to even think about going and meeting somebody new. There was only one thing on my mind now, and that was when I would get to have the monster again. I needed to find someone new, and fast. I knew just how to, too.
Loud hip hop music blasted in my ears as soon as I opened the door. The bright lights were blinding, but I felt at home, as if I never left in the first place. All eyes were on me as I took a step inside, and a blonde walked up to me.
“It’s you.”
My name is Harmonee Walker, I’m 19 years old, and I’m a drug addict.
***
I’m from a very small town in Nebraska called Elwood. My older sister Bethany and I were born and raised on a small farm in a barn style house. We didn’t have any neighbors. My high school had less than 200 people total, so everyone knew everyone. I was the good girl. The one who got good grades, took advanced classes, and never got in trouble for anything. My sister was the same way. Our parents were the kind of people that thought that success was everything; if you were good at school and excelled, you would have a good life and make a lot of money. That pressured me to get good grades. I graduated high school with a 4.0 GPA and honors.
I thought college would be easy. I did well in high school, and I knew that college was going to be harder and there was going to be more work, but I thought that I would get through it the same way as I did high school. I didn’t know exactly what I was getting into.
Miami isn’t Nebraska, that was for sure. The small town where I was from had only a gas station and a small grocery store. My high school was in the next city over, about 45 minutes away. It was a big move, to say the least. So big, that my boyfriend from high school decided to break up with me because he was going to school across the country. But when you’re offered a full academic scholarship to the University of Miami, you don’t exactly say no. When I finally got to the college I was in awe at how many people were wandering the campus. It was like the whole state of Nebraska in one college campus. I knew no one, no one knew me. Buildings the size of skyscrapers were all around me. After looping around in circles a couple times and bumping into random strangers, I finally found my dorm. I fumbled with my keys before walking in. Upon entering the room, I found a petite blonde laying on one of the beds, reading. She looked up from her book to meet my eyes.
“Hi.” I greeted quietly. I wasn’t much of a people person. In fact, people often scared me. It was hard for me to go up and talk to someone. I was shy, introverted, reserved. I didn’t usually approach people first. Overpowering social anxiety didn’t exactly help, either.
“Hi!” Her voice was chipper. “I’m Ashley.” She stood up and made her way toward me. She held out her hand.
“Harmonee.” I plastered a smile on my face.
I examined her. She was a similar build to me, only a little bit shorter. She had golden blonde hair that just touched her shoulders, which framed her heart shaped face perfectly. Pool blue eyes were accented with a pair of rectangular glasses. I could tell she probably worked out. She was clad in a grey long sleeved top and skinny jeans. She was incredibly cute.
Ashley looked down at her watch. “Well, I gotta go to work. It was nice meeting you.”
I took a glance at my phone. “You work at 7 o’clock at night?”
She shrugged my comment off. “Night shift. I’ll see you later.” She grabbed her purse and a big duffel bag, and just like that, she was off.
I never liked the first day of school. My anxiety level was at its peak, only because I knew we would have to do introductions and speak in front of the class. I didn’t mind meeting people, actually, I quite enjoyed meeting new people, I just couldn’t talk to them. My first classes passed fairly quickly, and I managed to survive my first day of college, only to find that the work load was excessive and not at all what I expected. I was exhausted. When I got back to my dorm Ashley was sitting at her desk doing schoolwork.
“Hey.” I greeted with a smile. I was used to her after living with her for a week, so my anxiety level toward her had subsided a little bit.
“Hey.” She greeted, not looking up from her work.
“So, I need a job. And I don’t even know how to begin looking for one, and since you work a lot, I was thinking you’d be able to help me out?” She did work a lot, I noticed.
This time she looked up at me. “We’re always hiring. Come in with me tonight and I’ll talk to management for you.”
It had just dawned on me that I actually had no idea what she did for a living, only that she left late at night and came back early in the morning. “What is it that you do?”
“I’m a dancer.”
Her reply caused me to turn my head. “What?” I was confused.
“You know, like shake your booty for dollars.”
I paused. “You’re a stripper?”
Ashley shrugged casually. “I prefer the term ‘dancer’.”
“I’ve never…I mean I don’t know if I could…” My voice trailed off.
“It’s all teachable. And you get used to it. I’ve been dancing for a little over a year now.”
“Do you think I could do it?”
She stared at me and I could tell she was mentally examining me, which only made me feel a little uncomfortable.
“You’re cute.” She finally said. “You could do it.”
I never classified myself as ‘cute’. Average looking, maybe, but never cute. I was awkwardly tall, with long almond colored hair and hazel eyes to match. Nerdy may have been the more accurate word, for that was what my big square glasses would infer. I’d been meaning to get contacts for some time now. I thought for a moment. It might not be a bad idea, and it would get me closer to Ashley, which was the end goal all along. After spending so much time with her, I’d began to develop a crush on her. At the same time, I’d never danced before, only alone in my room and rarely even that. My hometown didn’t have any clubs so I didn’t know what one was like. I didn’t know what I was walking into, I didn’t know what to expect. I thought for a moment.
“Well there’s no harm in trying, is there?”
This was how I got introduced to the monster.
I was never impulsive. I was always the goody-goody rule follower of my group of friends in high school, which did get me made fun of from time to time. Anytime they wanted to do something drastic, I’d either try and stop them or stay out of it all together. I ran by a schedule, and because of my minor OCD whenever I was out of schedule I would be thrown off completely. I was ordinary. Boring. Something about college changed that about me. I went to my first college party where everyone was fifty shades of messed up on either alcohol or drugs, and I somehow agreed to be a stripper with my roommate. It could’ve been my new location, maybe it was the fact that I was finally away from my very religious and strict family, but either way, that part of me had changed. I couldn’t decide if this was a good thing or not.
I’d never worn heels before. The closest I’ve ever been to wearing heels was one time in 9th grade where I wore those wedge flip flops that made you look an inch taller. When Ashley brought me with her to her work the first thing she did was hand me a pair of 4 inch stilettos. Being my compliant self, I put them on reluctantly. I was already pretty tall- 5’7”-and the heels easily made me look 6 feet tall. I hesitantly took a few steps, wobbling like a baby duck.
“You’ll get used to them.” Ashley laughed. “You’ll need a name.”
I never knew that stripper names were a thing. But to be fair, my stripper knowledge up to this point was fairly minimal. I instantly thought of your typical cliché stripper names. Cinnamon. Diamond. Brittany.
“What’s yours?” I asked curiously.
“Nadia.”
I thought for a moment. “Jade.” My double life had begun.
Bright lights blinded my eyes as the next dancer was announced onto the stage. I watched as a petite brunette came out on stage and made her way toward the pole. Loud rock music that I barely recognized but sounded pretty good blasted from the speakers. I could only watch in awe as she began to spin and do some tricks. I leaned over to Ashley, who was sitting next to me at the bar.
“Will I learn how to do that?” I asked.
She chuckled. “We’ll teach you the basic stuff first.”
Later I found out that the ‘basic stuff’ consisted of twisting and turning my body in ways that I didn’t even know was possible. The next day I was so sore I could barely move my legs or arms.
That’s when I saw him.
He couldn’t have been much older than me, maybe in his late 20’s, clad in a black t-shirt and jeans. Dark sunglasses shielded his eyes from view, which didn’t make any sense to me because we were inside. He wasn’t bad looking by any means.
“Go talk to him.” Came a whisper in my ear. She must’ve noticed me staring at him.
My gaze switched over to Ashley. “I’m shy. It took me a week to warm up to you.”
“I was really shy at first, too. You get over it fairly quickly doing this.” She gave me a little nudge.
I stood up nervously, took a deep breath, and waddled over to him.
“Hi.” Was my timid greeting. Funny, I thought, a shy stripper.
He looked at me and smiled. “Hi there. Have a seat.” He patted the barstool next to him, and I sat down.
“What’s your name?”
I hesitated. “Uh, I’m Jade.” I was still getting used to the whole fake name, double life thing.
He held out his hand. “Nice to meet you, I’m David.”
We talked for a long time while watching the dancers on stage. We talked about the most random things. He asked me so many personal questions, I wasn’t sure how to answer them. The very first rule I was told by Ashley was to never give out personal information, by any means. When it was my turn to go up we said our goodbyes and I made my way toward the back to get ready.
Apparently he really liked me, for David became my regular, a term I wasn’t familiar with until I started working at the club. He came and saw me every night I worked, and easily spent a couple hundred dollars each time. I was rolling in the money.
“Hey.” I greeted Ashley as I walked into my room. “Are you working tonight?”
She looked up from her computer. “Yes, why?”
“Just wondering.”
Today was the day. Today I was going to tell Ashley how I felt about her. I was scared out of my mind, as usual. I’d never done anything like this before. I sat down on my bed and stared at her. She was beautiful. Breathtaking, actually. Every time she looked at me I got butterflies, I wanted to be around her all the time. I felt like we could be good together. I started to fiddle with my fingers nervously.
“So how do you like working?” She asked after a couple minutes of silence.
She snapped me out of my trance. “I like it, actually. I can actually afford stuff and not have to rely on other people for money as much. It’s nice.”
“That’s good. You’re doing really well too for a first timer.”
I smiled. “Thanks.”
Ashley looked down at her watch. “Well I’m going to get some coffee then head off to work. I’ll see you when I get back.” She got up and headed for the door.
I got up from my bed and followed her. “Wait.”
She turned around to look at me. I was standing right in front of her. My impulsivity must have kicked in, for the next thing I knew my lips crashed against hers, kissing her gently but with force at the same time. I pulled away after a couple of seconds and looked at her. She looked dazed and confused.
“What was that?” She finally said after a while.
I hesitated. “I’m sorry…” My voice trailed off. Only I wasn’t sorry. I was far from sorry. I would do it again if I could.
“Are you…? I mean, I’m not…” She stammered, looking as if she were searching for what else to say. She took a moment to compose herself. “I’m not into girls like that.”
I figured. “I’m sorry.” Was still all I could manage to say.
Ashley turned back around so her back was facing me, and opened the door. “Don’t ever do that
again.”
She moved out and into an apartment soon after that. That was the last time she had ever spoken to me.
As the school year went on, I was working a lot, I began to neglect my schoolwork. I thought, since I was making so much money, I didn’t really need school. I was skipping my classes to go hang out with David, which was a big no-no in the dancer world, you’re not supposed to hang out with customers outside of work, and usually I wouldn’t, but I used my best judgment and decided he was a safe person to be around. He was nice, and he treated me like a lady. Being around him so much I found myself slowly but surely becoming a different person. He made me branch out, actually talk to people, and he made me a lot more comfortable in public. Eventually, because I just didn’t care anymore, I dropped out of college.
He invited me to his apartment one day, which I thought was a little sketchy at first, but I trusted him.
“Let me show you what I do.” He said.
***
The monster took hold of me, grasped me by the arm and pulled me in. It laughed, cackled at me as it began to take complete control. I could barely breathe, but I needed more. I wanted more. Sweat dripped down my face and seeped into my clothing. Was this the end? I was on the ground, writhing in pain as my eyes began to close. The last thing I remember was loud sirens coming closer to me.
I never thought I’d get arrested. I’d never been that type of person. I’d never even gotten a parking ticket before. But when I woke up in a daze, I was laying in a hospital bed in a small cubicle of a room, with my hands tied in handcuffs behind me. Disregarding the current situation, the handcuffs were a fine accessory to my normal black t-shirt and skinny jeans ensemble.
I quit my job about a month ago. The monster had taken over me completely, it was as if we were the same person. And I figured I had made enough money to last me a while, and I always had a little bit extra to feed my addiction with the monster. I got kicked out of my college dorm since I had dropped all my classes, and moved into a low class, sketchy apartment complex.
I’d never thought I would have to be in rehab, either. I always thought I was too good for it. Not that I thought that people in rehab were bad people, I just thought my life was too ordinary for it to ever come to this. When I walked in I was half expecting a rundown wing, filled with noisy addicts who smelled like pee. Instead, I walked in to the main wing, escorted by a big bulky police officer, and found that the main hallway was empty. There were rooms on either side of the hall, all with the doors wide open. We made our way to the receptionist’s desk at the end of the hallway. The police officer told her my name, and then the receptionist opened a big filing cabinet to take out a manila envelope. She fiddled through some papers.
“This way.”
She led us down the hallway again, and this time we stopped in front of one of the rooms. I peeked inside. There were 3 beds. I didn’t like roommates. The beds were small, so there was no room for tossing and turning at night. They were clad in old, brown paisley sheets that looked like my grandma’s, and it smelled a little like her in there, too. There was a girl laying on one of the beds, reading.
“My name’s Jen. If you need anything, just ask.” And with the blink of an eye, they were both gone.
I took a step into my room and made my way toward the bed closest to the window, my favorite spot. I could feel the other girl staring at me.
“Hi.” Her voice was rather chipper. “I’m Kayla. What’s your name?”
I looked up at her. “I don’t have one.” Came my smart reply.
She was silent for a moment. “I think you’re lying.”
“Maybe I am.”
She didn’t say anything else after that, just continued to read her book. I sighed. I guess I should at least try and be nice, I thought. I stood up and sauntered over to the bathroom. There wasn’t a lock on the door, which made sense, but it instantly made me feel uncomfortable. The hot water on my skin stung, but was soothing at the same time. There was only one thing going through my mind at the time; I wanted to dance with the monster. I craved it. Tears mixed with water streamed down my face, so I didn’t know which was which. I stuck my arm out of the shower to reach into the pocket of my jeans. I pulled out my little blade. I examined my right wrist, staring blankly at the scars that were already there. The blade slowly made its way to my wrist and I gradually added more and more pressure against my skin. Not long after I saw a little dot of red liquid emerge. I cringed.
More. I needed more.
I slid the blade across my wrist, watching as the little red dot turned into a crimson stream. The only thing I could do was watch as blood trickled down my arm and fall onto the floor of the shower. It mixed with water and swirled down the drain. I stood there for a moment, not quite knowing what to do. I’d hit my lowest point. I tossed the blade back into the pocket of my pants, finished my shower, and got dressed in the pale blue scrubs that I had been given upon first arriving to the facility. They were paper thin and could probably rip at any moment, but at least the color looked good on me. It felt good to finally be in clean clothes. Kayla was still reading her book when I got out of the shower.
I didn’t have many friends, mostly because I shut them all out shortly after the monster. The monster was my only friend. And David, of course, but he had stopped talking to me soon after I got arrested. I guess he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. Visiting hours at the facility were every night, after dinner. I didn’t expect anyone to visit me, I didn’t think anyone knew that I was even there. I was sitting in the main room, writing, while watching all of the visitors pour into the room. Everyone was hyped up for visiting hours, but I didn’t really see a point. Why would you want someone to see you at your lowest point?
“Harmonee?”
I turned at the sound of my name. Jen the receptionist was standing at the door with a clipboard in her hands. She looked up from her papers and then up at me. I stood up and walked toward her.
“You have a visitor.” She said, looking back down at her clipboard.
I shot her a confused look as she let me out of the room and across the hallway. I saw a familiar head of blonde hair. Ashley. I hadn’t seen her in what seemed like years but was only months. I was too busy flirting with the monster to talk to her and even begin to fix our relationship.
“Hey.” She greeted. Her voice sounded hesitant as she walked toward me and pulled me in for a hug. She wrapped her arms around me protectively. I pushed her away.
“What are you doing here? I didn’t call you.” The only person I called was David, to let him know I was in this place. He didn’t answer me.
“David came to the club last night and talked to me, said he was really worried about you. I thought something had happened to you.”
“Well something did happen to me. They took me away, put me in this hellhole.”
“You need to get better and-“
I cut her off. “I’m fine.” I said, even though I knew I wasn’t. I knew there was something wrong with me. I knew that I probably had to stop, the only problem was I didn’t exactly know how. The monster had been a part of my life for a while now, I felt like it was a part of me, like it defined me somehow.
“You’re not though.” Her voice sounded genuinely concerned, and I knew that she probably meant well, but I just wanted her to leave. “Let’s just talk.”
“What is there to talk about? You left under the impression that you never wanted to see me again.”
“I’m rooting for you.” She completely ignored my comment.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“It means I know you can fight this. I know you can get better. I believe in you.”
“That means nothing to me.”
Ashley sighed. “I’m trying to help.”
“Well I don’t need your help!” I snapped. “You’re no better than me.”
“I never said that-“
“But that’s what you meant. I want you to go.” I said calmly. She looked at me with sad eyes. I didn’t know what else to say to her. Did I really want her to go? Not really. But I certainly didn’t want her to see me like this. I saw her walk away from me, and watched as she walked down the hallway and out the door.
I stood there for a moment, not quite sure what to do next. After a couple minutes of standing awkwardly in the hallway I went back to my room. Kayla was laying on her bed, staring up at the ceiling. She turned to look at me without saying anything.
I sighed deeply. “Harmonee.”
I was there for a week. They thought I was clean. Hell, I thought I was clean. But when I got out the very first thing I wanted to do was dance with the monster. I called David.
“Hey, I’m coming over.” I said. My voice was urgent.
“Hell no you’re not coming over. You almost got me caught!” He sounded pretty pissed off. I probably would be too given the current situation.
“What?” I was confused.
He hung up on me after that. That was the last time David ever spoke to me.
I was officially on my own. I didn’t know anyone here anymore, and I was pretty much done with people to even think about going and meeting somebody new. There was only one thing on my mind now, and that was when I would get to have the monster again. I needed to find someone new, and fast. I knew just how to, too.
Loud hip hop music blasted in my ears as soon as I opened the door. The bright lights were blinding, but I felt at home, as if I never left in the first place. All eyes were on me as I took a step inside, and a blonde walked up to me.
“It’s you.”