Last to Know

“No, you are not going to force me to date, I refuse” Zack and Johnny had been trying to convince me to date for a few months, and I tried to convince them I wasn't ready to put myself back out there.
“It's been three months Matt, you need to at least start looking before you become a miserable old man” Zack looked so sure of himself that it bothered me. Who was he to say that I'd be happier with someone?
“I don't want to date right now, I want to focus on the band” I had been writing more and more lately, the creative juices were flowing.
“Matt, you've been saying that for months now, you need to get interaction with women again” Zack's voice was stern and determined, I wasn't going to listen to one word he said though.
“If I wanted to date I would go out and find dates, I'm sure I could find a date without a problem” Granted I'd most likely be bombarded by fans than women that were interested. What the hell was I thinking? I didn't need to fucking date!
“Alright let's make a bet then, if you can either get a girls number or get a girl to go on a date with you in a day I will lay off, but if you can't then you have to go on a date with someone we choose” Zack smirked and looked over at Brian and Johnny, I was going to strangle him when I got the chance.
“Fine, can we get back to work then?” I crossed my arms over my chest now more annoyed than I had been.
“Fine” Zack imitated my position and tone and glared over at me. He's such an asshole.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You sure you want to go through with this?” Brian and I had been sitting in his car in front the mall where I had to try and get a date.
“I don't, I just know that Zack would give me hell if I tried to skip out on it” I had cleaned myself up so I didn't look like a total douche.
“I can ask my friend to agree to the date so Zack thinks you found a date here, well it's Michelle's friend” Brian had pulled out his phone and looked at me eagerly.

It was a tempting offer, I'd definitely rather go on a date with someone he knew than someone Zack picked for me any day. Except I wanted to see how hard it was to actually get a date these days, especially since I had spent so much time with a woman who was just going to break my heart.

No, no time for thinking about her.

“Let's go inside, I'll at least give it a try before I agree to the date” I mumbled annoyed, Brian nodded and pulled into a parking space. It was now or never.

There were a lot of younger women when we went inside the main entrance to the mall, unfortunately they were either with a group of friends or with a boyfriend. This was a lot harder than I expected, and dragging Brian here with me was only going to make me more paranoid.

“I can't do this, I don't even know where to start” I started to turn around to leave but Brian grabbed my arms to prevent me from getting out the door.
“Come on big boy, just relax and you'll do fine” Brian started to walk down the long hallway keeping an eye out for any girl that seemed like she was single.
“Brian I was with her for over twelve years, I'm not as young as most of the girls here” I pulled my arm out of his grip and walked with him.

I was a twenty eight year old single man whose job was a singer, most girls would laugh at me and walk away before they realized who I was. It was always funny to see the reactions of the girls who would either scoff at me or act like I was garbage until they saw my face on a magazine or saw all the fans excited to see me. I didn't want a woman like that though, I wanted someone who didn't care about the fame and was more interested in getting to know me for who I was, not who I was on stage.

“Forget it Brian, I'll just agree to Zack's date” My tone must of caught him off guard, it didn't sound defeated. It sounded depressed.
“Matt? Are you okay?” Brian stopped and turned to look at me, I wanted to lie and tell him I was fine, I just knew he'd see right through it and call me out.
“I don't want to find someone here that's just going to know I have money and try to become a gold digger” I felt worse now than I had when Val and I had our first real fight. Things were just not looking up in my favor.
“We'll go back to my place and have a couple beers and forget this even happened” Brian patted my arm and walked back out of the mall, I was going to need a lot more than two beers to forget this even happened.

The drive back to his place was short so no conversation was sparked, I was slightly thankful for that. The less questions people asked me about anything the better.

Zack had been trying to get me to go out more and hang out with him and Johnny, it just felt wrong to leave. That was the reason Val and I had broken up. I wasn't home enough to please her and now she was gone, and I was hopelessly single. I could've done everything different, I would've stayed home more often, I would've proposed if I knew it kept her home. I fucking lost the only woman who ever gave me a chance when I had nothing in my pocket. The woman I gave my heart and soul to, only to have it ripped to shreds before my eyes. What had I done to deserve any of this? I was always faithful to her, I was there when she needed me most and yet it was never enough.

“Matt?” Brian's voice was filled with worry and panic, I didn't understand why he was saying my name until I felt the wetness on my cheeks. I was crying. No, I was crying in front of my best friend who never saw me cry.

I shook my head and wiped my eyes roughly, I wasn't weak. I was the strong one, the one people came to for support and advice. And yet, I couldn't even get over someone I hadn't seen in months. She was probably shacked up with her new boy toy enjoying life while I was miserable.

“Just drop me off at home please” My voice was scratchy and thick. I couldn't stop the tears as hard as I tried.

Brian frowned and pulled into his driveway, was he seriously going to embarrass me in front of Michelle?

“Michelle's not home, you can come inside and rest in the guest room for now, I'll go get Bella so she can play with Pinkly” Brian shut the car off and got out, not even sparing a glance at me as he went to unlock the door. I just wanted privacy more than anything.

I stepped out of the car and went inside, Pinkly quickly abandon her dad and ran over to me while pawing at my legs so I would pick her up. I smiled and picked her up, she yipped excitedly and licked every part of my face she could reach. She was such a little hyper dog, must've been why Brian decided to get her.

“Guest room's all set whenever you want to go in” Brian's eyes were wary, although he refused to look at me and kept his eyes on the small dog in my arms instead.

I knelt down and set Pinkly back onto the floor so she could run over to Brian and attack him for treats. I thanked Brian and went down to the room, dread began to fill my body. I hadn't felt this depressed since we had found out Jimmy passed away. It was like I was reliving that day all over again, except I had Val by my side to help ease the pain. Except the only person I had was myself, Zack had his wife and Johnny, well he didn't deserve to be dragged down with me. Brian had Michelle who was by his side through thick and thin, they were the dream couple. The ones that people who were single looked up to. Brian had given me advice back when Val and I had gotten together since I was scared shitless that I was going to ruin it. Except it didn't take one date, it took twelve years to ruin it.

I plopped onto the bed and kicked off my shoes, I felt like I needed to hit something, or someone. I couldn't do that though, this was Brian's house and I wasn't going to break anything that was his because I was a selfish bastard. I should've just gone back home and let out my rage there. I could hear the front door slam shut, Michelle must be home finally. That was my cue to take a long nap and go home when they were asleep that night.

I pulled off my shirt and jeans and curled up under the blanket, the bed was a lot more comfortable than mine was, or maybe it was the fact I had spent the last few months sleeping on my couch. Sleep began to slowly take over my body, and soon enough my mind.

When I woke up everything was dark, the guest room door was open just the slightest. Brian must've been checking up to see if I was awake or not. I stretched my arms out and felt all the joints begin to crack and pop, I needed to get a new bed to sleep in. I sat up and pulled on my jeans, as I reached to grab my shirt I noticed it wasn't where I had left it. Searching the room I noticed it was gone, Pinkly must've dragged it out of the room or something and thought it was one of Brian's.

I groaned and walked out of the room and headed to the kitchen, the quicker I could find my shirt the better.

“Brian, have you told him?” Michelle's voice was quiet, as if she could hear me walking out of the bedroom.
“Of course not! He'd rip me apart, you know things have just been getting worse for him” Brian kept his tone low, were they talking about me?
“He's your best friend, you just need to tell him” Michelle rubbed his shoulder soothingly and smiled, they were talking about me and I was going to figure out why.
“He cried in the car today when we drove home, he's more broken than he's letting on and I think Zack forcing him to find a date is fucking him up” Brian looked at Michelle with a frown, why did he have to tell her that?!
“He doesn't need to do anything he doesn't want too, and if Zack can't respect that I'll go and beat him up myself” Michelle stood up and posed as if she was wonder woman, it was quite funny to see.
“I just want him to be happy, he deserves it more than she does” Brian clenched his fists and sighed. So Val was doing a lot better than I was, I should've figured.
“I know he does, he needs time away from everyone, no dating, no dealing with Zack trying to cheer him up, just him and Bella” Michelle sat down next to Brian and took his fists into her hands, she could calm that man down in seconds if he was becoming angry.

I stepped away from the doorway and went back down to the guest room, I needed to find my shirt and leave now. I looked under the blanket at the edge of the bed and sighed with relief, Pinkly had taken it to cuddle with, she was definitely like her dad. Once my shirt and shoes were back on I began to think of a way to sneak out without Brian or Michelle seeing me. My options were very limited. I decided in the end that sneaking out the side door to his house would work best, neither of them would be able to hear the door opening and it was out of the way so I could get home without a hitch.

I snuck out of the room and kept an ear out for Pinkly, she'd give me away in a heartbeat. Michelle and Brian were cuddled together on the couch watching a movie as I walked past, neither noticed me. I shut the door as quietly as I could, unfortunately a loud click could be heard as I turned the knob so that it was shut. I could only hope that at least Michelle didn't notice the noise since I knew Brian would just assure her it was something else in the house. He tended to do that when any of us heard a noise. I started on my way back to my house when no move was made to come to the door, I'd just explain the situation to Brian when I had the chance to charge my phone. I shivered slightly and rubbed my arms to warm them up, it did very little good. Cars would honk at my while swerving to the other side of the road, I was on the sidewalk so they couldn't claim I was in the road. I stopped dead in my tracks when I heard an all too familiar voice, they were talking to someone it sounded like.

“No the roses are perfect, thank you” I swallowed thickly and backed away from the voice, it couldn't be true, it just couldn't!

I turned to walk away, hell I was more ready to run at that point if it weren't for that voice calling out my name.

“Matt! Wait!” I stopped and shoved my hands deep into my pockets, I couldn't tell her the reason I was walking the streets at night was because I had slept at Brian's and was heading home.
“Hey Val” I turned around to face her and felt my throat become dry, she looked stunning, her hair was dark once again and it was longer. She also seemed to be holding her hands awfully close to her belly. Oh god.
“What're you doing out here? It's almost eleven thirty” She looked up at me and squinted as if the sun was in her eyes.
“I had really bad writer's block, so I had to get out of my house and find some inspiration” The lie sounded worse coming out than it had in my head. Luckily enough she seemed to believe me.
“You used to do that all the time, you'd leave for hours and come back and just write non stop” She smiled and hoisted her bags higher up onto her arms.
“I'm hoping it helps tonight, we're supposed to be going into the studio next week and I only have a few songs written right now, and Brian has a couple too” My palms were sweating worse than I had ever felt them, she wasn't a stranger for christ's sake, she was my ex.
“I'm sure it will, well I have to head home before Ryan freaks out that I'm not home, I've been planning for our wedding” My heart shattered at those two words. She had moved on and was getting married to someone else and I was sitting in my best friend's guest room crying like a child.
“Well I won't keep you then, I'll see you around” I smiled sadly, tears pricking my eyes in the slightest as I turned away from her, she didn't need to see how broken I was inside.
“Bye Matt” She called out as I headed down the path to my house, her car pulling away once again.

I felt utterly hollow inside, I was a pathetic excuse for a man and she was living her life as if nothing ever happened between us. I tried to drink away my sorrows for months, I slept with so many women that I lost count. They never meant anything to me, they were just there to fill that hole for a few hours and then they were gone. I was always alone in the end, no matter the situation I would always end up alone while everyone else had someone they could call theirs. They would always pity me for being alone, I could see it in their eyes when thy looked at me. Fans didn't know of the breakup because I had refused to put it out there, I didn't need girls coming up trying to hit on me that weren't even eighteen yet.

“None of them will fucking understand this bullshit” I growled out and headed into the closest package store.

I knew I shouldn't of been drinking but it was the only thing that helped erase her memory, even if it was only for a little while. The cashier wasn't surprised to see me in there again, I knew that he knew who I was seeing as he was an avenged fan, he just gave me the privacy I really needed at times. Now all I would have to do is not pop open the bottle and chug it before I at least made it home.

I walked inside carrying the three bottles of whiskey and headed up to my bedroom, first I had to change into sweats, lock the doors, and then drink myself into oblivion. Once I had a clean pair of sweat pants on and my bedroom door was locked I cracked open the first bottle, the aroma brought back so many memories, some good, and others depressing. The first bottle was gone before I was fully drunk, I had a nice buzz burning through my body instead. I looked up into the mirror that was across the bedroom, the same one that Val had begged me to buy her for months on end. I slowly watched myself turn into a zombie in front of that mirror, a piece of shit zombie who was turning into an alcoholic. I glared and threw the empty whiskey bottle at the mirror and watched it shatter. It felt kind of funny, if Val could see what happened behind closed doors she'd probably say I had a problem and needed to get help. I wouldn't go though, I'd assure her I was alright and continue to drink until my liver completely shut down and it began to kill me from the inside.

The second bottle was gone as quickly as the first, except this time I felt completely relaxed and at ease. I could put the third bottle aside and drink it at another time, but I didn't want to even remember my own name. I twisted off the cap and threw the bottle aside, my vision was too blurry to focus on much of anything in my room. I drank half of the third bottle before I blacked out for a few seconds, this is exactly what I had wanted. I finished the rest and tossed the bottle aside along with the other two. I could barely see three inches in front of my face and it was perfect. I couldn't even remember why I had wanted to get drunk in the first place. I was on a cloud where nothing mattered and I was alone to do whatever I pleased.

I woke up the next day with a pounding headache and my stomach turning, I was afraid to move or else everything would come right back up and end up on the floor that I'd have to clean. My phone was going off on the bedside table near my head, who the hell would be calling me this early. I reached over and grabbed it quickly answering.

“You better have a good fucking reason for calling me” My voice sounded like I was sick with the flu, maybe they'd leave me alone.
“Jesus christ Matt! I've been calling you all damn day and you just decide to answer? What the hell have you been doing anyway?” Brian yelled into the phone so loud I had to pull it away to prevent my headache from becoming worse.
“I was asleep, what'd you want anyway?” I sat up slowly to make sure I didn't get sick.
“Val talked to Michelle and said she ran into you last night, what happened Matt?” His tone changed suddenly from anger to worry. I'd have to make sure he wasn't bipolar.
“We talked for a few minutes and I went home, and I was sleeping until you woke me up” I rubbed my eyes and yawned, maybe if I went outside for a few it'd help get rid of the nausea.
“Your neighbors called the cops last night and said they heard you yelling, they were concerned about your well being since you didn't answer the door” I'd have to apologize to them when I got the chance, I just really wanted Brian to leave me alone.
“I just let out some frustrations is all, I'm fine” My voice trailed off as I noticed the blood across my hands, did I cut myself on the broken mirror when I was drunk?
“Matt, screaming and causing yourself to bleed is not fine, I'm coming over and that's final” I couldn't get another word in before Brian hung up, this wasn't going to end well if he saw how horrible I looked and the entire mess that my room was in.

I cleaned quickly while trying to be careful not to cut myself any worse than I already had, next thing I had to do was shower and wash all the blood off my hands and arms. God I really did a number on myself.

The water helped soothe the cuts that were strewn across my arms, except when I put the soap on to clean them it burned like someone had lit me on fire. Okay Matt, you can do this just calm down. I took a few deep breaths and cleaned the rest of the cuts on my arm which proved to be a lot more difficult than I would've imagined. Now all I had to do was get dressed and unlock the door before Brian arrived, only problem being I had no more clean clothes. I'd make due with whatever was cleanest, Brian would just have to deal with that.

Once I was dressed and there was no more shards of the mirror lodged in the carpet in my bedroom I went down to the den to unlock the front door since I knew Brian would storm in either way.

“Matt!” And he was here a lot earlier than I was expecting, he probably drove over one hundred miles an hour just to see if I was alive.
“Calm down Bri I'm coming” Once I had opened the door Brian stormed in, nearly knocking me over in the process.
“It's five a clock at night Matt, there's no way in hell you slept this late because you were tired, I want the goddamned truth” Brian was fuming, his eyes were locked onto me, and then they were locked onto my arms.
“Brian I can explain” I pulled my arms up to try hide the cuts, his eyes widened. He was going to assume I was self harming and have me put away.
“What did you do?” Brian walked over and grabbed my wrist, checking the skin closely. I really wished I had just ignored his call now.
“I got into a fight with a mirror, and the mirror won” I pulled my arm out of his grip and pulled the sleeves of my shirt back down. I didn't want to start with him.
“I'm sorry Matt, I should've just taken you home yesterday” Brian mumbled softly and cleared his throat.

I felt terrible now, it wasn't Brian's fault that I ran into Val last night, it was completely my fault because I didn't want to stay at his house. I didn't want to be around couples that were happy while I was so depressed.

“Don't be, it's my fault I ran into her, so please don't apologize for being a good friend” I held my hands on his shoulders and tried my best to get him to at least smile.
“Fine, I just wanted to see why you ran away last night” The hurt laced in his voice caused me to wince, I didn't mean to seem like a dick last night.
“I just need to be away from happy couples is all” It was straight to the point, and last night rubbed more salt in my wounds than I could handle.
“That's all you had to say, I won't force you to stay if you need alone time” Brian smiled and shrugged out of my hold. At least he wasn't going to hold it against me.
“Thanks” I smiled back and went to my kitchen, Michelle's words were nagging at the back of my mind. What did Brian need to tell me?

I hoped he would tell me soon.