Years

It’s been years since I’ve seen him. I wish I was exaggerating but I’m not. Two years have passed since the Battle of Hogwarts and I had to go into hiding for a whole year before that. Not being able to prove my Wizarding blood status made it too dangerous for me to hang about. The worst part of it all though? Leaving him. Leaving my best friend behind at Hogwarts and not knowing when or if I’d see him again.

*

“No, no you’ve got to stay! You can’t leave. Can’t leave me here,” Seamus choked, staring up at me in disbelief.

“You don’t think I would leave if I had any other choice, do you?” I said miserably.

Because there really wasn’t any other choice. Staying here at Hogwarts was no longer an option.

“What am I supposed to do without you?” Seamus asked.

“What am I supposed to do without you?” I replied.

*

Seamus had been my best friend as soon as we’d met in first year. And I’d been in love with him since I’d realised what my feelings meant. There was no-one else like him to be honest. His unashamed laughter, his beaming smile, his handsome face, his fierce loyalty – all of it sent shivers down my spine, made butterflies erupt in my stomach. Even the memory of his voice makes my skin tingle. And that’s all it is now, just memories.

Even though I’d returned to Hogwarts for the Battle, against everyone’s better judgement, I couldn’t find him. And Merlin, did I try. I knew he’d fought, people had seen him, but I hadn’t even been able to catch a glimpse of him. My worst fear was that I would stumble across his motionless body, his bright eyes now vacant and lifeless, or that I would see him too far away only for him to be torn away from me. Every spell I cast, every Death Eater I fought, I tried to ignore the growing knot of despair in my stomach, the rising lump in my throat, the fear that I was too late and I would never see him again.

He promised me that we would see each other again.

*

“You’ll stay safe, yeah? Promise me you won’t take any risks,” Seamus said softly.

I smiled sadly, moving to sit down next to him on his bed. I knew I had to run, and I knew I couldn’t promise anything like that. But for Seamus…

“I’ll do my best,” I said as sincerely as possible. Because I did mean it. I will try. “But only if you promise me that we’ll see each other again,”

Seamus choked a laugh, a watery smile attempting to crack onto his face.

“You’re not getting rid of me that easily, Dean. Of course we’re going to see each other again,”

*

In all the chaos and devastation left behind after The Dark Lord’s defeat, I still hadn’t been able to find Seamus. I’d frantically searched through survivors and the fallen, but had been unable to find him anywhere. I can remember the hot burn of the tears in my eyes even now, how despair had left me weak at the knees, how the empty ache of my heart had throbbed.

Of all people, Luna Lovegood sat by my side, her tiny pale hands wrapped around my arm, her tinkling voice making soft reassuring noises. Because that all I can remember from after – just noise. Noise which faded into sorrow and numbness. I couldn’t find Seamus anywhere, so what was the point? I didn’t stick around much longer after that, to be honest. How could I stay, when I couldn’t confirm whether the boy I love was dead or alive, and neither could anyone else? Instead I went back home to see my mother. My sweet muggle mother. I hadn’t told her much, hadn’t wanted to, but she could tell that right then I was done with it all, and she welcomed me with open arms.

And for a while that was good enough for me. For six months I stayed in solitude, living as a muggle; in mourning I suppose. Six months living as a muggle (other than casting an anti-tracking charm right when I arrived) cleared my head, and I needed it. Everything to do with magic reminded me of him. Every time I even looked at my wand, a fresh burst of pain spread across my chest. It was too much to bear and I wasn’t ready to deal with anything. Loneliness and isolation became my survival strategy – without Seamus, nothing else seemed worth it.

In the seventh month after the Battle, Luna found me. Apparently Hermione was organising a centre for students who’d dropped out of Hogwarts due to the rising darkness – a place where those who couldn’t face going back to Hogwarts could complete their education. I didn’t want anything to do with it at first, but Luna had been persistent. She insisted that I’d been ridiculously hard to find, and she wasn’t going to take ‘no’ for an answer. She said that I owed it to myself, if nothing else, to finish my final year.

How could I argue with that?

The centre was run by retired Hogwarts professors, and only had a couple dozen students, but the only person I knew was Luna. The only person from the Wizarding World that I truly talked to for a long time was Luna, as strange and sudden as our friendship was. I guess I’d just latched onto her when she found me at the end of the Battle – and I was grateful. Without her, I would’ve given up on magic completely. And without her, no-one else would ever have known how Seamus and I really said goodbye.

*

“I’m going to miss you so much, Dean,” Seamus mumbled, words muffled into my shoulder.

I squeezed him harder where my arms were wrapped around him, trying desperately not to cry. He has no idea, not a bloody clue how much that means to me.

“I’ll miss you more,” I whispered, my voice cracking.

Seamus pulled back wearing a frown, his mouth parting in surprise when he saw how upset I was.

“Dean…” he murmured, his words trailing off.

I can’t leave like this. I can’t leave knowing that I never said anything, that I never did anything about my feelings. I could die within days. I could get caught within hours. I could never see this beautiful boy again. I have to do something.

“I’m sorry, I…I need to…”

Damn it.

“Dean?”

If that was the last thing he said to me, if my name was the last word I heard pass his lips, I could die a happy man. So I did the only thing I could think of – I leant forward and kissed him. Just a soft press of my lips to his, but Merlin it was wonderful. I let the kiss linger for a second or two, before slowly pulling away. For once, he was silent. I didn’t know what that meant.

Eventually, Seamus looked at me, eyes unreadable.

“All this time…and that’s all you’ve got?”

What? All this time…surely he didn’t mean that? He can’t have harboured the same thoughts and feelings as me for this long too?

“Kiss me again, Dean,” Seamus grinned.

It was all I could do to whimper, hands reaching to clutch at his body as my lips descended. This time Seamus kissed back; his mouth moved with the ferocity in which he lived. His lips were hot and wet against mine, our tongues sliding as he moved to straddle my waist, bodies pressing tight. He kissed me desperately, like he had been wanting to do this for years. He kissed me like it was goodbye.

But eventually our kisses slowed, until our foreheads pressed together, our breath panting and mingling.

“You come back to me, you hear?” Seamus demanded.

*

And that was the last time I saw him.

Luna was the only person I had ever told about Seamus, about all my feelings for him. She’d listened with no judgement, she still does. And I know she hasn’t asked anyone else about him either – I asked her not to. I can’t face the knowledge of him being dead even more than the knowledge of him being alive.

Two years on, and here we are. Today was the day I’d be seeing most of my old friends again – Harry was getting married to Ginny. Luna said the proposal had been lovely. She still spent time with our old classmates but I could never bring myself to. All I could ever think about were the memories of Seamus when I thought about them. I just wasn’t ready. Luna never told me anyone’s news, and I didn’t ask her to. It was better that way. This wedding reception invitation was the first thing I’d accepted. Something inside of me seemed right – it was time.

At first, everything seemed like a weird dream. Faces that I hadn’t seen in three years, voices that I hadn’t heard, were suddenly all around me. Hands shaking mine, arms hugging me tight, smiles all around me – it was all so overwhelming. Lucky for me, my constant rescuer was at my side, and she guided me to an empty table, allowing me to sit down while I calmed myself.

“If this is all a bit much, I’m sure Harry would understand,” Luna said kindly.

And she was right – Harry would understand. But I should my head anyway. “I can manage one day,”

After that, people came over in singles or pairs. Apparently I was one of the only people who no-one had heard from after the Battle – only a few people knew I’d survived through Luna. I was glad of that though. Keeping myself away from magic had been the only reason I’d been able to get through the aftermath.

“Oh my,” Luna gasped,

I frowned, snapping out of my thoughts. “What?”

But Luna just shook her head, looking over my shoulder. So I turned around…and everything froze. It felt like a dream, or a nightmare, I couldn’t quite tell. Because he was standing behind me.

“Dean…” Seamus whispered.

I could feel people staring, but I didn’t care. Merlin, even his voice sounded the same. I must be dreaming.

“There’s an empty room just around the corner. I’ll explain the necessary to the few it matters to,” Luna murmured.

It was all I could do to nod. I couldn’t do this here, in front of so many people. I didn’t even know what ‘this’ would be – I could barely control my breathing let alone my thoughts. So I turned and stumbled in the direction Luna had told me, hoping that Seamus was following.

As soon as I entered the room and the door closed, I turned around. Seamus immediately threw his arms around me, his body shaking. It didn’t take me long to realise that he was shaking because he was crying and it didn’t take me long to realise that I was crying too. He was here. He was real. He was alive. So I hugged him back, gripping onto him tightly.

“I thought you were dead,” he choked, “No-one knew, so I thought…”

“Same,” I interrupted, my voice dry and rasping, “I couldn’t find you anywhere at the Battle and I couldn’t bear the thought of you being dead so I never asked Luna to find out,”

“Luna?”

I smiled wryly, unwrapping my arms only enough to look at him properly.

“Luna found me at the end of the Battle, when I couldn’t find you. She’s been my only friend ever since – I stayed out of contact with everyone else and I would’ve given up on magic if it wasn’t for her,” I explained.

“I can’t believe you were at the Battle,” Seamus said softly.

“You told me to come back to you,” I mumbled.

How could I forget those parting words?

Seamus jus choked a sob, hands shaking as they reached up to cup my face. A flicker of hope sparked in my chest.

“I was found unconscious in the rubble after the Battle, and my family took my straight back to Ireland. I’m such a coward for not trying to find out, for not knowing…”

“Ssh, no. That’s not important. I’m here now and you’re here now and that’s all that matters,” I insisted.

Seamus nodded, sniffing with a laugh.

“I know we’ve got so much to talk about, and to catch up on. And I know we still need to talk. But Merlin…I love you Dean,” Seamus blurted.

The flicker of hope burst into an all-out fanfare, a grin spreading across my face. I haven’t smiled like this in years.

“And I love you,” I said, almost giddy with it.

Seamus made a noise, half-sob half-laugh, before he leant up and pressed his lips to mine. I couldn’t help the moan that came out of my mouth, my arms sliding to wrap around him, my lips meeting his kiss for kiss. I know there’s a wedding reception going on outside but I don’t care. It’s been three years since I saw the boy I love and I’m not going to waste another moment.