Never Too Late
Regrets
John's Point of View
It’s kind of crazy how in a split second your whole world can change for the worst. I mean, maybe not totally come crashing down, but almost. It could become twisted and turned, and you could lose people who you loved most in the world in a matter of moments. I’d already lost one person, and based on the look on Lacey’s face, I was about to lose another.
“What the fuck was that, John?” she demanded. If looks could kill, I would be six feet under, probably from burning to death under her seething gaze. She’d been pissed off at me plenty of times before, but this was different.
“How was I supposed to know that Lucy was gonna come over here?” I countered, though even I knew that that wasn’t the biggest issue at hand. It was the catalyst, sure, but it was a miniscule part of the problem; what really mattered was everything that we’d all said, Lucy blowing through and upsetting things like a fucking hurricane. But based on previous fights I’d had with Lacey, Lucy’s rage was only the eye of the storm. Things could, and would, only get worse.
“That’s not the point, and you know it!” she exclaimed, and then dropped her voice to mimic mine. “You’re not gonna tell Taylor, right? Fuck Taylor, all you do is complain about her anyway!”
“Can you lower your voice, please?” I begged, thinking of my mom sitting downstairs. I was pretty sure she knew that I had Lacey up in my room (not that she ever paid much attention), but as far as she knew, Taylor was the only girl I was seeing. I’d already gotten an earful from Lucy, I was getting one from Lacey, and I didn’t need it from my mom, too.
“You are really something else, John,” Lacey continued at the same volume as if I hadn’t said anything. “What do you need two girlfriends for anyway?”
“Lacey, we’re not even dating,” I said, and then immediately wished I could take it back. But I kept going, digging myself deeper and deeper into shit. “Look, we make out and fuck, and that’s cool and everything, but you’re not my girlfriend.”
She looked like I’d just slapped her in the face. “That’s all I am to you? Someone to fuck?” She shook her head furiously. “You know what? Lucy really was right. Obviously you don’t give a fuck about me. No one does.”
“Why are you always so fucking overdramatic?” I complained through gritted teeth, fighting the urge to slap my palm to my forehead. “See, this is what’s different with Taylor – she doesn’t say dumb shit like that to me.”
It wasn’t fair to compare them, and I knew it. Furthermore, Taylor did say a lot of emotionally volatile stuff. It was why I kept her at an arm’s length away, never letting her all the way in, but not necessarily pushing her away either. And I was doing the same thing to Lacey. God, why was I such a shit?
“I’ve got an idea,” Lacey said, heading towards my door. “How about you just focus on Taylor then, and you can fuck yourself. I’m done.” She rested her hand on my doorknob and shook her head, and I wasn’t sure if she was talking to herself or me. “God, I can’t believe I hurt Lucy over someone like you.”
It was bad enough hurting Lacey, but I didn’t want to hurt Lucy either. I’d kind of always known that she’d had a crush on me, but I’d never acknowledged it or done anything about it. She was pretty, yeah, and we got along, but I’d just never felt romantic towards her and I didn’t see any point in leading her on; it was easier to just pretend I didn’t know. Besides, Lucy was a spitfire and all, but I could only see her compromising that for me and changing herself, and that was one thing I could never see Lacey doing. We fought and it hurt, but it was exciting. But this felt like the fight to end all fights. We’d gone too far with hurting each other – scratch that, I’d gone too far. And this felt irreparable.
I should have stopped Lacey. I should’ve never let her walk out the door, but pride got in the way and I let her leave without a word. No apology, no explanation, nothing. When she was gone, I rested my head on my pillow, trying not to think about what we’d just been doing not even fifteen minutes earlier. I shut my eyes tight and willed myself to fall asleep despite the thousands of thoughts and regrets mocking me in my mind. But somehow I managed to fall asleep, only to be woken up by a text message from Lucy in the middle of the night.
I should have stopped Lacey from leaving.
It’s kind of crazy how in a split second your whole world can change for the worst. I mean, maybe not totally come crashing down, but almost. It could become twisted and turned, and you could lose people who you loved most in the world in a matter of moments. I’d already lost one person, and based on the look on Lacey’s face, I was about to lose another.
“What the fuck was that, John?” she demanded. If looks could kill, I would be six feet under, probably from burning to death under her seething gaze. She’d been pissed off at me plenty of times before, but this was different.
“How was I supposed to know that Lucy was gonna come over here?” I countered, though even I knew that that wasn’t the biggest issue at hand. It was the catalyst, sure, but it was a miniscule part of the problem; what really mattered was everything that we’d all said, Lucy blowing through and upsetting things like a fucking hurricane. But based on previous fights I’d had with Lacey, Lucy’s rage was only the eye of the storm. Things could, and would, only get worse.
“That’s not the point, and you know it!” she exclaimed, and then dropped her voice to mimic mine. “You’re not gonna tell Taylor, right? Fuck Taylor, all you do is complain about her anyway!”
“Can you lower your voice, please?” I begged, thinking of my mom sitting downstairs. I was pretty sure she knew that I had Lacey up in my room (not that she ever paid much attention), but as far as she knew, Taylor was the only girl I was seeing. I’d already gotten an earful from Lucy, I was getting one from Lacey, and I didn’t need it from my mom, too.
“You are really something else, John,” Lacey continued at the same volume as if I hadn’t said anything. “What do you need two girlfriends for anyway?”
“Lacey, we’re not even dating,” I said, and then immediately wished I could take it back. But I kept going, digging myself deeper and deeper into shit. “Look, we make out and fuck, and that’s cool and everything, but you’re not my girlfriend.”
She looked like I’d just slapped her in the face. “That’s all I am to you? Someone to fuck?” She shook her head furiously. “You know what? Lucy really was right. Obviously you don’t give a fuck about me. No one does.”
“Why are you always so fucking overdramatic?” I complained through gritted teeth, fighting the urge to slap my palm to my forehead. “See, this is what’s different with Taylor – she doesn’t say dumb shit like that to me.”
It wasn’t fair to compare them, and I knew it. Furthermore, Taylor did say a lot of emotionally volatile stuff. It was why I kept her at an arm’s length away, never letting her all the way in, but not necessarily pushing her away either. And I was doing the same thing to Lacey. God, why was I such a shit?
“I’ve got an idea,” Lacey said, heading towards my door. “How about you just focus on Taylor then, and you can fuck yourself. I’m done.” She rested her hand on my doorknob and shook her head, and I wasn’t sure if she was talking to herself or me. “God, I can’t believe I hurt Lucy over someone like you.”
It was bad enough hurting Lacey, but I didn’t want to hurt Lucy either. I’d kind of always known that she’d had a crush on me, but I’d never acknowledged it or done anything about it. She was pretty, yeah, and we got along, but I’d just never felt romantic towards her and I didn’t see any point in leading her on; it was easier to just pretend I didn’t know. Besides, Lucy was a spitfire and all, but I could only see her compromising that for me and changing herself, and that was one thing I could never see Lacey doing. We fought and it hurt, but it was exciting. But this felt like the fight to end all fights. We’d gone too far with hurting each other – scratch that, I’d gone too far. And this felt irreparable.
I should have stopped Lacey. I should’ve never let her walk out the door, but pride got in the way and I let her leave without a word. No apology, no explanation, nothing. When she was gone, I rested my head on my pillow, trying not to think about what we’d just been doing not even fifteen minutes earlier. I shut my eyes tight and willed myself to fall asleep despite the thousands of thoughts and regrets mocking me in my mind. But somehow I managed to fall asleep, only to be woken up by a text message from Lucy in the middle of the night.
I should have stopped Lacey from leaving.