Chasing Stars

By the time I had loaded the dish washer and put the left overs in the refrigerator, Lindsey and Bandit had left and Gerard was sitting at the counter again, this time working on his computer. I dried my hands and looked at Gerard. My mom was right, I looked just like him. There would have never been a chance that he would have doubted me being his child.

"Can I go back to bed now?" I asked wanting nothing except to let my head rest on a pillow.

"What did you not get enough sleep last night?" Gerard asked, not looking up from his computer.

"Apparently not because I'm getting pissed off just sitting in a room with you," I muttered to myself attempting to calm my anger down. I wasn't even sure as to why I was angry this morning other than the lack of sleep.

"What's that?" he asked, honestly not hearing.

"Apparently not," I said louder. "I'm going to bed."

"No, we've got to get going soon," he said still focused. I groaned.

"When I said not go to school, I meant stay home and watch crapy tv and eat popcorn, not hangout with you at the studio," I complained while plopping myself down on the stool next to him.

"Well you should have thought about that before you asked," he muttered. I laid my head on the counter and watched him intently work on the computer. Silence engulfed the two of us and for once that morning I felt calm. That of course ended when the phone rang. His eyes darted to the irritating device, he reached for it answering the phone.

"Hey mom," he said into the receiver. I continued to watch him as he answered his mom for a few moments. I had never met the lady, only heard about her. Gerard had me meet Mikey but no one else. I'm not sure why but I didn't mind. "Yeah she's doing good," he said as his eyes darted to me. I continued to watch him. His mannerisms were so much like mine. It was hard to believe that I hadn't grown up around him. It was also hard to know why my mother could have disliked him so much but still loved me. I mean, we would argue but this made me wonder how much she could have loved me if I was so much like him. My facial expression must have given away what I was thinking since he suddenly stroked my hair. "Mom it's not that… Yes you will meet her… Eventually." She must have been asking about me. "I should probably get going…Yes… I will… Okay… Love you too." with that he hung up the phone.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked as he set his phone down, I shrugged, sitting up causing his hand to rest on my back. "Ry, what was it?" he asked.

"Please don't call me that," I muttered softly.

"It's your name," he said as if it were that simple. I looked at him for a moment and then turned away. "Well, go put some clothes on and we'll take off." I stood up and lazily walked to my bedroom. I changed into jeans and a sweatshirt. I pulled my hair up into a ponytail and through on some makeup. All in all, it was probably the most effort I have put into what I look like in a long time. I closed my door tightly behind me.

Gerard was standing near the door twirling his keys. I grabbed my shoes and slid them on. "I'm ready," I muttered still tired. He nodded and opened the door. I don't remember the majority of the car ride since I had fallen asleep. I awoke to Gerard's hand on my hair, cooing me awake. I slowly fluttered my eyes open to see him starring back at me.

"Come on we're here," Gerard said stepping back from the car to let me stand. I groaned and clumsily pulled myself out of the car.

"I just want to sleep," I whined slowly walking forward. Gerard chuckled and shut my door behind me. We walked the familiar path to the studio he worked in. After he unlocked the door, I stumbled toward the couch in the room. I collapsed with a gleeful sigh. It wasn't long before I was woken but the noise of voices talking. My eye lids fluttered open and I saw Mikey standing in the room.

"I don't know what's up with her other then she lost her mom, was forced to live with people she doesn't know and she hates school," Gerard said to him. I heard them shift and I quickly shut my eyes.

"Gerard, I hate to say it but I think Mom is right, you should take her back to Jersey. At least to see her friends," Mikey said quickly as he was cut off by Gerard groaning.

"She's making friends here and besides every time I bring up her friends she shuts down. I don't think she wants to go back."

"And how much do you honestly know about her? What's her favorite color Gerard?" Silence engulfed the room. "Exactly, you don't know anything about her except that she is sad and depressed." The words that Mikey said struck hard. He wasn't completely off base. I did shut them out, all the time. I shut everyone out. Gerard was just caught in the middle. I felt guilty for causing the friction between the two brothers. It was never my intent to make their lives hard. I shut down because I never wanted to talk about it. Any of it, who I was, who I had become, what I had done.

"I know enough to not push her to do something she doesn't want to."

"Fine let's just… let's just listen to the track," Mikey finally said in defeat. It was in that moment after hearing Mikey's rant that I realized how much I was affecting everyone around me and most of all Gerard. I wanted to hate Gerard, I wanted to be mad and angry at him. I wanted to blame him for everything that had gone wrong in my life.

After a few minutes had passed I opened my eyes to find both men looking over the computer. I sat up and stretched, Gerard turned to look at me giving me a half smile.

"I want breakfast," I said startling Mikey.

"You just had breakfast," Gerard stated turning back toward the computer.

"No I didn't eat it," I muttered looking down at my shoes.

"Because you were to busy glaring at people?" he asked not diverting his eyes.

"Yup," I said with sass. This made him smile and turn toward me.

"Are you being serious?" I nodded. "Ahh, fine, give me three minutes and I'lll go take you for food," Gerard said.

As promised Gerard saved him file just moments later and we exited the building for food leaving Mikey to alter the file on his own.

"There is a place not far from here, we can walk," Gerard said as he pointed in a direction opposite of the car. I nodded indicating that I didn't mind and we began to walk toward the restaurant. I pulled my sweatshirt off with a sigh. My mind was running a million miles a minute, every word my mother had ever been uttered about Gerard playing back through my mind. Right on down a photo I found of her and Gerard in school together. "Where did all the paint come from?" Gerard asked as he tried to rub the flacks off of my arm. I looked at him not saying a word.

"There was this photo… a photo of you and Mom," I said squinting in the bright light.

"From when we had dated?" Gerard asked.

"I think so, Mom always said it wasn't but I think she just didn't want to talk about it. You were in a basement I think," I explained trying to imagine the photo. "You were ah… you were drawing on an easel. Mom was, well Mom was being Mom, she had her arm wrapped around you, it looked like she was bothering you."

"You're mother and I went to school for a long time together and through college," Gerard said. "The majority of the time we were just friends and being such, she liked to drive me nuts," he stated.

"Did you love her?" I asked out of the blue. I'm not really sure where the question came from. I could tell, I took Gerard by surprise. "Never mind, don't… don't answer that."

"No Rylynn, I will. I'm just… You caught me off guard. Your mother was an amazing women. She was very talented in everything she did. At one point in time, yes I loved her."

"And then one day you didn't right?" I asked simply. My mother never told me specifically what happened or when, just that it was before she knew she was pregnant. I never understood how they broke up, what had happened. Every time I had asked, she would change the subject or refuse to answer.

"It wasn't like that, it was complicated," Gerard said rubbing his neck. I was making him nervous.

"Did you cheat on her?" I asked.

"Rylynn," Gerard said shaking his head. "Did she tell you that?"

"No, never mind, is this the place?" I asked walking toward what looked like a diner. I wanted to know about them, I had since I was a little kid but in someway, I was scared. I was scared it would make me hate Gerard or even my mother.

"Yeah that it," Gerard said with a shy voice. We walked in and grabbed a booth. I could tell I was asking all the wrong questions regarding my mother and him. I needed to change the subject but for some reason, I just couldn't.

"She wasn't fond when I spoke of you, which in turn made we want to talk about you all the time," I said with a smirk.

"That's not a nice thing to do," Gerard said looking at me in a parental way.

"I know, doesn't mean it not fun to mess with people," I admitted, only do receive a disapproving look from him. The waitress appeared and took our drink orders. I looked through the menu, picking out something I'd eat. "Maybe Mikey's right," I mentioned while glancing at the menu.

"About what?" Gerard asked.

"Maybe you know nothing about me and should ship me off back to New Jersey," I said not able to contain my anger. Gerard looked speechless for the second time that day. Just then the waitress came back.

"Can I take your food order?" she asked with a sweet smile.

"Yes, I would like the eggs benedict and a side of strawberry pancakes."

"Alright and for you sir?" she said looking toward Gerard.

"Umm, just a side of hashbrowns," he said simply. The waitress smiled and walked toward the kitchen.

"Rylynn where you awake when I was talking with Mikey?" Gerard asked swirling his coffee.

"Yeah," I said looking down at my drink.

"And why didn't you say anything then?" He asked. I could feel him starring at me intently. I didn't know what to say. "Rylynn, why didn't you say anything?"

"Because what would I have said? He isn't completely wrong, you should just get ride of me now."

"Well that's not happening. Mikey was out of line by even saying anything," he said with force. "Don't pretend to sleep while adults are talking, alright?" He said looking at me.

"Yeah okay," I muttered while I was still starring at my glass.

"You never said where all the paint came from," He said while pointing at my arm. He was trying to change the subject. I gaged him for a moment debating on if I should even say anything, if I could trust him. "That big of a secrete?"

"When I was little, Mom used to say how much like you I was when I would piss her off. It was the only way I knew anything about you," I mentioned looking down at my cup and playing with my straw. I felt venerable. "When I found the photo, I decided to join the art club and boy did that piss her off. One thing led to another and well, it turns out, I don't mind art." I assumed he would continue to press the situation or tell me it was inappropriate to push my mother like that. Maybe he would even tell me to be nothing like him or to not use him as a role model. Instead, a smirk can to his face.

"You must not dislike me as much as you let on," he said.

"I never said that," I quickly retorted. The waitress returned with our food, setting it down in front of us. I grabbed my fork, digging in with hunger.

"I don't think you had to say it. Come on am I really that bad of a father?"

"Yes," I said with a smirk and a full mouth of food.

"So is that what I kept hearing last night?" Gerard asked still smiling at me.

"What are you talking about?"

"Were you painting last night? I kept hearing you moving around," he asked. I reached across the table grabbing the syrup.

"Where you listening at my door?" I asked. There where two rooms between us. There was no way he heard me from his bedroom. His checks turned slightly red.

"I check on you at night, I ah… I worry about you," he said softly. Shock erupted inside me. He checked on me at night. He check on me at night even through he never knew me until 2 months ago.

"The pancakes are awesome," I said changing the subject. This conversation was to intense.

"Yeah the food here is pretty good. So the paint…" he said not allowing me to back out of the conversation. I looked at him for a moment, holding his gaze. This was something he wasn't going to stop asking. I groaned and took another bit.

"Yeah okay, yes I was painting last night, that's why I am tired," I said in between bits. Gerard smiled. "What are you smiling about?" I asked. I knew for a fact, I would hate the answer.

"I'm happy to hear you like to paint, that's all," he said finishing his hash-browns and pushing the plate away from him.

"It's not as big of a deal as you are making it," I said simple.

"But it is. Rylynn, you and I have something in common. That is something to be happy and excited about. You know Lindsey also paints," Gerard said attempting to draw lines. In some way, I appreciate having something besides me to talk to Gerard about but I didn't want to be compared to Lindsey at all. "She's not a bad person you know," Gerard said. He must have read my silence well enough to know I was thinking of her.

"Yeah I know," I muttered after a few bits.

"So you wanna talk about why you were so mad at her?"

"Nope," I stated popping my the last syllable as I set my fork down and leaned back in my chair. I grabbed my water and played with the straw. Gerard gaged me for a moment.

"Okay, if you do want to talk about it, I'm here," he said with kindness in his voice. I nodded. The remaining time in the restaurant was quite. Gerard paid for the food and we exited the building.

"So can I know what you're painting?" Gerard asked as we walked down the street. I shrugged.

"It's nothing special."

"Come on tell me," he begged. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. He had a smile beaming from ear to ear. I still wasn't sure how much I wanted to share with him. I was a private person, I didn't like to share with anyone.

"No," I said simply placing my walls up yet again.

"Fine but please think about it," he said still smiling.

"Fine," I said in the exact tone as Gerard which made us both laugh a bit. He wasn't horrible, In fact half the time he was a nice guy, I can see why my mom fell in love with him. The problem I have, is my inability to let things go. My demand to live in the past or in a fictional world. I can never just exist and be content in my surroundings. "So your mom really wants to meet me huh?" I asked as we approached the studio.

"Yeah she does," Gerard said rubbing the back of his neck in a nervous manner.

"Why not just have her come out with Frank and I can have one horrible week. You know get it over with. All the smiling and faking and pretending like I am perfectly fine," I suggested as he opened the door for me.

"Faking huh?"

"Well or you could just ship me off to the Ward in Jersey," I suggested selecting the elevator number.

"Stop it, we already talked about that," He said in a stern manner. I eyed him for a moment before exiting the elevator.

"Keep it in your back pocket, you never know when you have to play that Ace," I said walking into the studio door.

"Where do you come up with this stuff?" he asked grabbing a seat next to Mikey and the new gentleman in the studio. "Oh my god," Gerard suddenly yelled with a gigantic smile on his face. I looked up to see another person in the studio with Mikey. It wasn't anyone I had meet before, which told me it must have been one of Gerard's friends from out of town. Gerard stepped forward and hugged the man which was the moment I caught a good look at him. That's when I realized just who was standing in from of me. Grant Morrison.

"Man what are you doing here?" Gerard asked pulling away.

"Well I flew in to meet do a speech in VanCouver. I figured, well bloody hell I should just take my layover here and stop by," Grant said in his famous accent.

"Well I'm glad you did. Hey Grant this is my daughter Rylynn, Rylynn this is my good friend," Gerard said but I quickly cut him off.

"Grant Morrison," I said sheepishly taking a step slightly behind Gerard. This was Grant Morrison, The Grant Morrison. I was a huge fan and couldn't believe he was standing in front of me. Gerard, Mikey and Grant were all looking at me in surprise.

"You know who Grant is?" Gerard asked looking at me. I reached out and grabbed the back of his shirt not taking my eyes off of Grant.

"Gerard," I muttered "Gerard that's Grant Morrison," I said yet again. A smile broke out across all of their faces.

"Yes it is," Gerard said turning around even through I was still gripping his shirt. He swung an arm around me and rubbed my back. "I think we have a fan here Grant," Gerard said with a chuckle.

"I guess so," Grant said with a smile stretching across his face. Grant outstretched his hand to shake mine but I couldn't move. This was Grant Morrison as in Batman, The invincible and JLA. I felt Gerard rub my back in encouragement. It gave me enough strength to extend my hand to accept the hand shake.

"It's great to meet you," I muttered softly, my nerves getting the best of me.

"Oh the pleasure is all mine, Gerard can't stop talking about you," he said bringing a smile to my face.

The rest of the day was spent talking about Grant's newest work with Gerard getting barely any work done. By the time we made it back to the car I was exhausted from the adrenaline rush. Can you blame me, it was Grant Morrison.

"Did you have fun today?" Gerard asked after we pulled out of our spot turning on the headlights as it was dark at this point. We had stayed with Mikey and Grant for not only lunch but dinner as well. I wondered what Lindsey would say when we finally made it home.

"Yeah, actually I did." A small smile came to my face. "I can't believe I just hung out with Grant Morrison," I said allowing a small chuckle to escape from my lips. My mom would have never let this happen. Not after the Becky Cloonan incident. "For like eight hours," I said with enthusiasm.

Gerard chuckled. "So you never told me what comics you read of his. I'm assuming that's how you know him."

"Like all off them. Anything with his name on it, I've read. God he's such a fucking genius," I said resting my head against the head rest. "Oh sorry, I didn't mean to," I quickly said referring to me cussing.

"Yeah sure you did," Gerard said smirking. "I'm glad you had fun today, hopefully it was worth not sitting on the couch all day eating junk food and watching crapy tv."

"Yeah I think it was," I muttered followed by a yawn.

"Tired?" he asked.

"Yeah I didn't really sleep last night." I rolled my head to look at him. "Thanks, I needed a break from my thoughts," I admitted to him. A small smile came to his face. "Grant Morrison," I muttered again and looked the other way. It wasn't long before we made it home. Lindsey was already home when we pulled into the drive, I sighed when I saw her car. Gerard turned off the car and reached for my hand to prevent me from getting out of the car. I turned and looked at him questioningly.

"What's going on?" he asked in a slightly annoyed voice. Part of me wanted to shed my feelings to him, my frustration and confusion. I even wanted to talk to him when it wasn't forced and I'm sure he could see that.

"No matter what, I am here for you," he said looking into my eyes.

"Yeah until you play your ace," I said with an irritated voice and pulled my hand away. I climbed out of the car and shut the door.

"Rylynn, I'm not going to do that and I thought we already talked about this?" He stated clearly not wanting to end this conversation. I slammed the door and looked at him. I didn't want to talk about this with him and I didn't want to deal with the people in the house.

"No you talked, I listened," I retorted.

"Hey," he said quickly the moment I turned away. "Stop walking," he said simply. I obeyed and waited while he walked to my side of the car. "You said earlier you had a good day, do you really want to end it by storming off with an attitude?" he asked. I was silent. He was right yet again. I didn't want to ruin it but a part of me just wanted to freak out. Gerard reached forward and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.

"It would be easier to send me away," I muttered looking down at my feet.

"Good thing I don't take the easy road," Gerard said. He lifted my chin forcing me to look him in the eye. "Whatever it is Rylynn, I'm here for you, even if it's about Lindsey and Bandit. You are still my daughter." He spoke with honesty in his voice. It left me no room to debate. Instead, I nodded. "K, let's go inside," Gerard said stepping aside and we walked toward the door. The remainder of the night was uneventful mainly because it was already 9 by the time we got home.