Chasing Stars

Since the girls drank a bit to much the night before, the day was not filled with tons of chaos. There was no pool, no party, just a relaxing day in which we sat outside on the deck. It wasn't to terrible since it was the beginning of November. I had just laid my head on the table when a sweatshirt was tossed next to me.

"What?" I complained making eye contact with Lindsey.

“It's getting cold," she stated. I groaned and put on the sweatshirt. Lindsey sat down next to Gerard. He wrapped his arm around her giving a genuine smile towards her. It was quite obvious how much they really loved each other. They really did make a great couple. It made me wonder if my mother and he where ever like this. Did they ever love each other the way he loved Lindsey. Did he ever look at her the way that he looked at Lindsey? These thoughts where to much. I quickly turned my head and in the process caught Mikey's eyes. I looked down ashamed that maybe he knew what I was thinking. My mother dated occasionally but never for long and rarely anyone I ever met. Seeing Gerard in this aspect made me question how a relationship can go from something great to never speaking again. Then again, look at me and my friends. One stupid drive home pulled me away in a heartbeat. Quite literally. Suddenly, I was pulled back to reality when everyone stood up. I wasn't sure what was going on at first until I heard Jamia shouting for the kids to come inside since it was raining.

We all walked inside, the group heading towards the dinning room with words of a card game. I however stood at the sliding door. The rain was falling hard to the point where I was remembering that night. A great loud crash sounded causing me to spin around in an involuntary reaction and found myself face to face with Mikey. He popped his head down in an attempt to gain my eye contact only to fail. Gerard's name echoed from Mikey's mouth almost in a cartoon way.

Her hands where cold and wet. The red liquid covering it.

Mikey's hands came to my shoulders.

"Mom, Mom it's going to be okay. Mom you are going to be okay. Mom can you hear me."

Gerard's name echoed in the distance as Mikey place my hand on his chest.

"Rylynn… Rylynn I’m so sorry I never told you."

A loud crash sounded again and I let out a scream as I quickly stepped back.

"What didn't you tell me?" I spoke quickly. Her eyes began to close.

Gerard quickly appeared pulling me into his chest. "Mikey what happened?" he questioned quickly.

I shook her body causing her eyes to open quickly.

“I… I don't know she was spacing and then she started screaming," Mikey stated quickly.

"Shuuuush, Rylynn it's okay," Gerard cooed as he held me tight against his chest. Another cracked echoed in the house and I let out another scream.

"You are so much like him," she said softly as she coughed, sending blood onto her chin. "Don't ever stop, don't ever… don't stop."

"Gerard, Gerard please, Gerard," I cried into his neck as I wrapped my arms around him. I found myself clutching onto him for life. “I don't want to be here, I don't want to be here," I repeated to him praying that his existence would pull me out of the memory in my mind. I suddenly felt my legs being lifted.

I quickly found the blood coming out of her side. I pushed my hand over the wound to attempt to slow the blood. "Mom don't leave me, DON'T" I yelled at her as her eyes slid shut again.

"Mom, I’ll do anything, I’ll be anyone just please don't leave me. I can't do this on my own. I don't have anyone else," I pleaded with my mother. She began to cough again as her eyes shot open in what looked like pain. "Please don't leave me alone."

"You have to trust him. You have to give him a chance," she muttered in a pleading way I had never known before. Her cold hand came to my cheek pushing my tears away. “I am so proud of you… You are my best creation Rylynn. You are my biggest accomplishment and nothing …. nothing could change that." Her hand began to fall away.

The cold sensation of water hitting me made me inhale deeply. My eyes shot open and I pulled my head back enough to meet Gerard's eye contact. His eyes where full of fear. He let go of my feet placing me to stand on my own. My face was tear stained and my arms still wrapped around his neck.

"Rylynn," he said barely audible. He was searching my eyes for any type of recognition.

“I don't want to remember. I don't want to feel like this. I want to be better. I want to be safe. Don't leave me," I cried to him. My hands griping his collar tightly. I swallowed closing my eyes for a brief moment. It was just long enough for Gerard's hand to come to my hair, pushing it back in the water.

"You're ok. You're going to be okay and I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. You're safe," he stated, his voice pouring with compassion. He was who she was telling me about. I just hadn't realized it. Slowly the tears reduced to nearly nothing, my breathing resuming to a small shutter occasionally and the sounds of the storm had faded away. Gerard reached down near my leg and the water stopped. I wasn't until then, that I had realized I was standing in his shower, clothing soaked.

“I’m sorry," I spoke softly, looking down at the mess I had created. Gerard's hand came to my chin forcing my eye contact.

"There is nothing in this world, in this moment for you to be sorry about." With that he stepped through the bathroom kicking his shoes off in the process.

I wrapped my arms around my midsection. In the doorway a figure appeared, I didn't turn my head knowing by the scent who it was. They shut the door before walking towards me with a towel. Her touch was gentle as she pulled me from the shower and to the tiled floor. Her fingers played at the zipper to my sweatshirt. The weight was a relief to have removed and in that moment, I found myself grateful of Lindsey. No words where spoken as she assisted me in my moment of need. Nothing needed to be said, she was doing what any mother would do, she was being kind and not judging my actions.

We sat in the bathroom for what seemed like hours. I slipped on the shirt and pajama pants she had for me. She brushed my hair and cleaned my face. When it was over, I stood up reaching for her hand. She stopped her approach for the door to look at me. Suddenly, my words where no where to be found.

"You don't have to say anything," she spoke gently. “I know." Lindsey turned slowly and exited the bathroom, leaving the door open. I slowly walked towards the door and eventually in to their bedroom. Lindsey had a vanity that sat near her dresser on one side of the room while Gerard's dresser and closet on the side closes to where I stood. I walked over to Gerard's dresser allowing my eyes to graze over the items that occupy the surface. There was a photo of Lindsey and Bandit, his deodorant, little star wars knick knacks and at the very end was a photo of me. I picked up the picture frame. My hair was still long, I must have still been in middle school. On any other day, I would have questioned where he got it from. I placed the frame back on the dresser allowing my gaze to pass over one more time.

I finally turned around leaning my hands on the dresser behind me when I hear footsteps. Gerard slowly walked in, hair mostly dry. His eyes instantly fell on me, making me feel more venerable than ever. I dropped my eyes down instantly. He walked up pushing my hair out of my face. Eventually pulling my chin up. His eyes contained a compassion.

"Am I broken?" I asked him. He shock his head in response.

"No, you're not, you're just a surviver," he said. His hand wrapped around to the small of my back pushing it slightly to direct me forward. I followed his command until we reached the bed. He pulled the covers back and indicated for me to climb inside. Once in the bed, he pushed the blankets around me tightly.

"Do you want me to stay?" he asked me pushing my hair back gently.

"No, I can go in my room," I muttered looking down at the bedspread.

"No, I want you to stay in here." He leaned down and kissed the top of my head. “I am just downstairs if you need me, okay?" he asked. I nodded in response before he stood and left the room, closing the door behind him.