Chasing Stars

By the time we reached home, I was ready to do my homework and go to bed. I exited the car and pushed open the heavy door. Gerard and Bandit had beat us home which meant Gerard was waiting for me the moment I passing through the threshold. He was leaning against the counter. His arms crossed. I let out a small sigh as I placed my backpack against the wall and took my shoes off. I heard the door reopen and Lindsey enter the room. The silence was overwhelming.

“I take it I can’t go do homework?” I finally asked looking at Gerard. He raised his eyebrows but only for a moment.

“No we need to talk,” Gerard said simply. I rolled my eyes and leaned on the counter across from Gerard and crossed my arms. Silence fell over the room again.

“Well are you going to talk?” I asked as Lindsey came into view. Gerard looked gaged me for a moment.

“How was your ride to school?” he broke the silence. It was not the question I anticipated but one that didn’t surprise me. I did through the information on him last minute and didn’t give him a chance to object.

“It was fine. Made it to school on time,” I stated simply.

“Yeah, I’m really not comfortable with you riding to school with a guy I don’t know. You’re not doing it again,” Gerard stated not taking his eyes off of me.

“Are you sure you’re not just doing that to punish me for not listening? Or not agreeing with everything you have to say?” I accused.

“I think you both need to take a breath,” Lindsey spoke up quickly. “Gerard, I met Jeremy when I picked up Rylynn and he’s actually a very nice kid. Rylynn, we need more than a 30 second notice if you want to ride to school with a friend. We need to make sure you are safe.”

“Safe?” I asked Lindsey. Looking at her briefly before turning back to Gerard keeping my arms folded. “Maybe I’d be safe if Gerard wasn’t leaving for a year,” I said my words in anger, in near hatred.

“I can keep you safe even when I’m out on tour. I do the tours to make money for this family. That school you go to, that phone you carry around, the food on the table, that all comes from me going on these tours Rylynn,” Gerard stated forcefully removing his folded arms.

“Have you ever thought if I even want any of that?” I asked bluntly.

“Damnit Rylynn, I can’t change the tour now. The papers are already signed,” Gerard yelled.

“Fuck the contract. I’m your daughter aren’t I? You keep saying that I matter but look around. I don’t need school. I don’t need a fucking phone. I don’t need any of it. I need my dad. I’ve always needed my dad,” I yelled back. Silence fell over the room. Bandit walked in to the kitchen looking concerned. My eyes feel on her and her’s on mine. “You want my reasons?” I asked holding up one finger to count them off. “This family. This home. You. You Gerard. My dad. But go ahead, leave. Leave us.”

“You’re leaving?” Bandit asked looking at Gerard. His face quickly changed from frustration listening to me to concern. I knew she wasn’t aware yet but she deserved to know. She was going to have to say goodbye to him. She was going to not have her dad here, the same way I wasn’t going to.

“B, I’m going on tour but it’s not until April. It’s a short one, I won’t be gone too long,” Gerard said softly bending down to her level. Bandit looked concerned.

“He’s lying. It’s not short,” I interjected catching the girl’s eyes.

“Rylynn,” Lindsey corrected.

“I’m not going to do this. I’m not going to stand by while he lies to her. She’s deserves more,” I said to Lindsey indicating Bandit. “We both deserve more,” I added looking at Gerard. Bandit pulled back from Gerard and walked over to me, reaching for my hand. I let her grab it.

“I don’t want you to go,” Bandit said looking at me.

“Bandit she’s not going anywhere,” Lindsey interjected.

“If Dad goes then Rylynn goes back to New Jersey right? I don’t want her to go,” Bandit shouted.

“Ok,” Gerard said raising his hands in the air. “You are both blowing this way out of proportion. Go sit in the living room and we’ll talk all of this out.”

Without thinking or missing a beat, Bandit and I both said a forceful, “No.” “Come on B. We don’t need this,” I said quietly so only Bandit could hear and we both walked out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

“What just happened?” Gerard echoed in the distance.

I reached Bandit’s room and walked her in. I had passed her room many times and saw it from a glance but this was the first time I had been in the room. It wasn’t a frilly pink mess. In fact there where many colors, mainly pale in nature. She had a bookshelf overflowing with books. Like every child, she had a lot of stuffed animals, mainly piled on her bed. I sat down on the floor leaning against her bed. Bandit pulled a toy with her, sitting next to me.

“Can we be friends now? I don’t want you to go,” Bandit stated.

“Yeah we can be friends,” I answered accepting the transformer toy she was handing me. Only a minute had passed before Gerard’s shadow loomed in the doorway, followed by Lindsey’s.

“You guys need to come downstairs,” Lindsey said placing a hand on her hip.

“We don’t want to go downstairs,” Bandit stated.

“We don’t care. You need to come downstairs,” Gerard stated in an identical tone. Bandit let out an upset sigh and looked at her father. He stared back before raising his eyebrows. It was a look he pulled on me a lot. Clearly it was one of his parenting tools. “Now,” Gerard added. Bandit stood up and walked towards the door. Lindsey grabbed her hand and lead her down the hall. “You too,” Gerard said to me. I rolled my eyes and stood up, walking out of the room.

We all sat down in the living room and waited for Gerard to start. A few minutes of silence passed before anything happened.

“I’m going on tour, starting in April. I’ll be gone for a few weeks,” Gerard spoke trying to explain the situation. I let out a huff of disbelieve. “I think we’ve heard enough of that attitude Rylynn.” I locked eyes with Gerard. He looked pissed off and hurt. I throw my head back and continued to listen to his speech. “I will be gone for a few weeks before you guys get out of school and come visit where I’m at. It looks like it will be New York so we’ll get to see Grandma. You guys will stay with me for a few weeks and then we’ll all come back home. I will have to go back out for a week here and there after but it won’t be a long tour. When I go to Tokyo, most likely we’ll all fly out together,” Gerard explained. Bandit was happy about the news of going to New York. Realization finally hit me. Gerard was never intending on leaving for a long time. I didn’t realize we’d be going and staying with him for part of the tour. I didn’t realize he wouldn’t be gone for a long time.

“We get to see Grandma? Yea,” Bandit yelled and hugged Gerard. Gerard laughed and hugged the child back. “Can I pack now?” Bandit asked.

“No sweetheart, it’s only November, we have some time,” Lindsey laughed.

“I need to go plan if Mr. J or Mr. M will come on the plane,” Bandit informed me before running off. She was referring to her stuffed animals. Lindsey stood up walking in the wake of Bandit.

“You need to hear him out,” Lindsey stated before planting a kiss on my forehead. Silence engulfed the room as Gerard and I sat there.

“It should only be four weeks that I won’t be here before you come out to New York,” Gerard reiterated. I was speechless on a reply. I laid my head on the back of the couch, starring at the ceiling. “Tokyo won’t be long and you’ll be there the majority of the time. I do have a short tour in the UK but Lindsey wants to fly out with you guys when I reach France.” Gerard’s voice moved closer as I assume he had moved closer. I had overreacted, I had been in the wrong, he wasn’t leaving for months on end. I felt a rush of emotions fall over me. “Rylynn,” Gerard said softly touching my arm. I leaned my head up and finally looked at him.

“I’m sorry,” I said softly. His hand came to my face brushing away the tears that where starting to fall. I leaned into him and he wrapped his arms around me. “I don’t want you to go,” I cried out. He stroked my hair calmly and let me cry on his shoulder.

“I know…but I have to Ry. If I didn’t have to, I wouldn’t. Look at the bright side, we’ll get to see your friends in New Jersey this summer. I know it’s not as soon as you wanted to but it’s the best I can do right now. Ry we can talk on phone, we can FaceTime. You aren’t losing me,” he whispered into my ear. I calmed my breathing and pulled away.

“What if something happens?” I asked softly looking at my hands. Gerard’s hand fell over them. I swallowed and looked up at him.

“I’m not going to lie to you, what happened to your mom could happen to any of us. The likely hood, is a lot less than you think. Except for Mikey, he’s not the best driver.” I laughed at Gerard’s statement. “What I will promise, is that I will do everything in my power to come home safe.” Silence set in between us. “Do you have any questions about the tour?” He finally asked. I paused for a moment thinking. Brushing the tears from my face I looked up at him, shaking my head. “If you do, please just talk to me or to Lindsey about it. Don’t bottle this up. We can also try a counselor again,” he suggested.

I knew his heart was in the right place. I knew he wanted me to feel like I had someone to talk to about everything. It’s moments like this that remind me of how great a parent he was trying to be. “I really don’t want to,” I muttered looking back down at my hands.

“Ok. The offer is always there. Now, about the ride to school,” he began. I let out a groan and turned my head towards him indicating I was listening. “It’s not happening again Rylynn.”

“Oh come on. Nothing happened,” I said adamantly.

“The answer is no,” he said in a fatherly tone.

“Come on Dad. He is just a friend and it’s just a ride to school,” I added.

“Rylynn four months ago, you where in an accident that almost killed you. That was with an experienced driver. I don’t want you in his car.” I rolled my eyes. Silence fell over us for a moment. “Do you have homework to finish?”

“Yeah I do,” I stated.

“Ok, go do it. It’s already getting late,” he added standing up. I stood up after him and followed him to the kitchen. Picking up my backpack, I let out a sigh. “Hey Ry?” Gerard stated grabbing my attention as I approached the doorway.

“Yeah?”

“Aside from everything else tonight, I’m glad you find us good enough to be your reasons. I hope you don’t forget that,” he stated leaning against the counter. I nodded and walked upstairs. I never finished my homework. I reached my room and decided to write instead. Write about all of it. The realization that I didn’t want to leave here. Write about not wanting Gerard to leave here. I wrote about needing this family. Needing to be so loved, they worried. I must have fallen asleep at some point during my writing. I had awoke to Gerard’s hand through my hair.

“What’s happening?” I asked with a raspy voice.

“You fell asleep while writing.” That statement made me try to sit up fast. Gerard’s hand came to my shoulder urging me to not. “It’s on your night stand and no I didn’t read it.” His hand stroked through my hair again. “Why don’t you put some pajamas on,” he said softly standing up to exit the room. When he pulled the door shut, I swung my legs over the edge of the bed. I flipped the cover of my book open to see my book still intact. I grabbed a shirt and pajama pants quickly throwing them on. I pulled my hair down looking at the bags under my eyes. A knock came to my door and I muttered a ‘come in’. Gerard reappeared leaning on the door way. I pulled away from the mirror and walked back towards my bed.

“You could have told me I looked like shit,” I stated as I climbed into bed. Gerard followed in my wake. He pulled my covers up and sat on the edge of the bed.

“You don’t look like shit,” he stated stoking my hair. I gave him a questioning look. He let out a small laugh. “You don’t.” We were silent for a moment gazing at each other. His eyes told me he wanted to say something but that he wasn’t sure how to phrase it. “You remind me a lot of your mom,” he finally said softly.

“Where you sad? When you found out she was dead?” I asked watching his eyes for truth.

“Yeah I was,” he said leaning back slightly. “She was a great person, even with her faults. In another life, I’m sure we would have been great together. Either way, I sure am glad that she had you. Get some sleep, you have school tomorrow,” Gerard added before leaning down and kissing my forehead.