Heartlines

The apartment was in boxes when James walked in. As I stood in the kitchen feeding Emma her bottle, I heard a heavy thud and the faint sound of keys clattering against hardwood floors. For the first few seconds, the air in the rooms stay vacant, but after a series of heavy footsteps, and a loud exhale, the silence shattered. Hand hitting the doorframe, the brunette let out a deep sigh and called out my name.


“Charlie, what the fuck is going on?”

I didn’t turn around to face him. I kept my eyes on Emma, trying to keep myself calm as I thought about the new apartment I had put a deposit on. As his words kept filling up the background, I blinked hard, letting the thoughts in my head scream as loud as they could to block him out. I didn’t want to hear his excuses. I didn’t want to see the anger and confusion in his beautiful eyes. I didn’t want to feel his hands on my skin or hear his deep voice purr my name.

This was the end.


“Charlie!” My body spun around before I had time to react to his arms on my arms. Gasping, I stiffened my muscles, keeping Emma close to me as I watched the brunette steady me and force his eyes onto my own. Looking into them, I felt my heart start to break. There was a thin sheet of water covering his brightly colored irises. I could tell, just by the look in his eyes, that he knew what was going on.

He knew what he had done, and he knew this was the repercussion of his actions, or lack there of.

Shrugging his hands from my arms, I took a deep breath and walked passed him, watching the small girl in my arms yawn and then curl into my skin, smiling as her small eyelids blocked her bright colored eyes that were nearly exact replicas of James’.

When I had made it to her room, still painted a pale yellow but now vacant of all the small childish decals and toys that once covered the floor, I set Emma down carefully in her crib, placed her teddy bear near her, and then wrapped her in the bright blue blanket that James’ mother gave to us the first night at the hospital.

“What the hell is going on, please, fill me in?” James begged me to answer as I shut Emma’s door and leaned against the sheetrock to the right of it, my nerves bursting under my skin as James set his fingers down on my hands, trying to work his fingers into the spaces between my own.

When I clamped my hands together and broke our stare, the brunette turned from me, running his hands through his long, messy, brown hair. “I found an apartment.”


“An apartment?” James echoed, the loud desperation that had smothered his words disappearing as reality started to set in. “You mean…”


“It’s over.”


“We… Us… Charlie, hold on a second.” James was shaking as he tried to grab onto my arms to pull me into his embrace. As I kept avoiding the contact, I could see it getting harder and harder for the man to breathe. By the time we had reached the hallway that head to the living room, he was nearly hysterical as he begged me to explain what was going on.

I knew he had figured it out, but I also knew he needed me to say it just to solidify the reality.

“I’m not moving to Pittsburgh with you, James.”

“No, No, Charlie, you… You can’t stay here. Emma, you and her can’t stay here. You’re so far away. What the hell are you going to do? How are you going to pay for shit and live here without me.” Tears started to build up in another wall against his eyes. Lips trembling, he shook his head a little and went to speak when I slammed my fist back into the wall and let the pain radiating through my body calm the thoughts in my head.

Breathing unevenly, I licked my lips and then focused my eyes onto the wide hardwood floorboards beneath our feet. Running up and down the stained wood grain, I sucked in a deep breath and nodded my head. “I don’t need you to support my daughter, James.” I roared, my heart exploding in my chest as anger rushed through my veins. “You got traded and didn’t speak to me for three weeks.” My voice shook from the pain and hurt swelling in my stomach. “Don’t preach to me about taking care of my daughter when you ignore your family.”

The walls of water covering his eyes crumbled. Small beads of water started to rush down his cheeks as he shook his head, his trembling fingers reaching out to me like if he didn’t feel my skin he would fall away to nothing in front of me. “I love you and Emma more than anything in the world, Charlie. I got caught up in everything, I-“


“Missed being able to go out and mingle with all of the girls, right?”


“No!” James exclaimed, his bright eyes locking onto mine. “No, Charlie. I would never do that to you, you… You know that, don’t you?”


“Three fucking weeks, James.” I could feel tears start to create waves that rumbled and crashed down against the back of my eyes.


“It’s been such a transition, such a-“


“That doesn’t give you a fucking excuse to abandon us like that.” I screamed, my eyes wild with fire as I suppressed the urge to slam my fists into the drywall again. The burning sensation behind my eyes was getting worse with every inhale, and I knew that I was going to lose it in front of him soon. “You can’t make excuses for this, you can’t justify not answering my texts or calling me back. Nothing you ever say can make that okay. Nothing you can ever say can make this work. If hockey is so important to you, then I wouldn’t want me and my daughter to come between that.”

James tried to talk to me as we walked into the living room. The keys to his rental car were still lying on the floor near the front door. Piles of boxes replaced the open space and all of the shelves that held timeless knick-knacks and photos were now all empty and showing just how much dust built up on them in the past year. Running my eyes around the empty room, I looked back up at James and felt the urge to push the tears away from his eyes.

Then I stopped.

I could still feel the burn in my heart when I would wake up at four in the morning to check my cell phone. I could still feel the sinking feeling in my stomach when he didn’t answer the phone. I could still taste the salty tears that fell against my lips as I cried myself to sleep every night, my mind running wild with thoughts about what James was doing or what had happened to him that was so important that he couldn’t even make the effort to send his fiancé a text message.

“Charlie, I’ll do absolutely anything to make this up to you. I… I-“


“Leave.” I whispered, my stomach knotting at the thought of never seeing the man in front of me again. “If you want to make it up to me, if you want to fix everything between us, then just leave.”


“I can’t fucking leave you two, Charlie!”


“Oh you can’t?” I screamed at him, our eyes locking, making it five hundred times harder to spit my words out from between my teeth. “You didn’t have a problem doing it before? Out of sight, out of mind, right?”


“Fuck, I made a mistake, what do you want me to say?” James yelled desperately.


“Nothing.” I whispered, my heart beat slowing as my shaking hands worked together until I had prayed the engagement ring from my finger and held it tightly in my right fist. “There’s nothing left to say.”

Shaking his head, James ran a hand through his hair as he pressed his hands against my shoulders, his body trembling as he tried to talk to me, fumbling over his words as his eyes anxiously watched my every move. When I finally found it in me to hold the ring out to him, I watched as the brunette crumbled in front of me, his shoulder slumping forward as he bowed his head down and let more tears rush form his eyes.

“I love you so much, Charlie.”

“I love you too, James.” I whispered and watched as he looked up at me, his shaking hand held out as I placed my hand in his, and let the small platinum ring in my grasp press into the palm of his hand. “But, I’m not going to let you control my life, James. I’m not going to wait around and hold my breath for you to show up.”

Nodding, James sucked in a deep breath and looked down at his hand, the silver ring he had bought me months ago sitting against his pale skin. Holding it between his fingers, he shook his head and then turned away from me his hand slipping the expensive jewelry into his pocket.


“I’m… going to head out, then.” His voice was hollow, making every inch of my body to grow cold. Guilt crept into my stomach and started to poison me. Within a minute, I felt sick to my stomach, so sick, that I was afraid to even open my mouth to speak from the fear of throwing up.


“Goodbye, James.” I whispered, tears rushing from my face as the brunette nodded, his body slowly moving to the front door. As he pulled the panel open, he paused for a moment, and then turned around, tears flooding his cheeks.

Swallowing hard, he took a shaky in hale and locked his eyes onto mine. “Tell me I can have another chance one day, Charlie. Tell me this isn’t it.”


Placing my hand over my mouth, I shook my head and then nodded, watching as James let his head bob on his shoulders as he looked at me for a moment, then turned toward the door, took a step into the hallway, and disappeared.

I don’t need you, James Neal.

I’ll prove it.