Heartlines

“Mommy, why are we at the airport?” Emma tugged on the hem of my sweater as she looked up at me, her bright blue eyes locking onto mine as she scrunched up her face. “Mommy, we can’t go anywhere, I didn’t pack. I don’t have my favorite sweater… or my crayons!” The small girl threw her arms over her head as we stopped at the baggage claim. As my nerves started to shimmer under my skin, the small girl next to me kept going on and on about not wanting to go anywhere until people started pouring down the stairs and the elevator.

Her small eyes widened as she looked up at me. “Who… Who are we waiting for?”

I shrugged one shoulder and watched as the small girls annoyed features suddenly were drowning in pure joy. “Mommy come on, just tell me, its killing me!” She leaned into my legs and was about to continue speaking when she paused, her arms wrapped around one of my legs tightening as she gasped loudly.

“Daddy?”

Every inch of me was on fire as I looked up and watched as the brunette appeared on the stairs, his eyes scanning through the crowds of people. When he hit the floor, he took a few steps toward the conveyor belt until Emma’s loud squeal paused him.


Turning around on his heels, his eyes scanned over a few people until they landed right on mine. Swallowing hard, I parted my lips to speak, but instead pulled my hand up and sent him a small wave. As soon as Emma saw me waving at the man, she took off across the crowded floor, winding through a few people until she launched herself right into James’ arms. Kneeling down in time to catch her, he wrapped his arms around her and placed a few kisses to the side of her head as he stood up, keeping the girl in his arms.

While they talked and James kept all of his attention on her, I slowly made my way over to them, every step I took made my head spin. I swore i could smell his cologne from a few yards away. I swore I could hear his voice calling out my name, but as I kept my eyes on them, I noticed that neither of them had detected my presence.

When I was standing a few feet away from James, he smiled at the small girl and then went to look over at where I was when he noticed me awkwardly standing there, my arms tightly pressed to my sides, the toe of my shoes pressing tightly against the floor.

“Charlie.” James whispered as he set Emma down on the floor and then turned his body to me. “Char, you look great.” His lips trembled as he took another step toward me and then ran his fingertips down my arms, pausing at my hands, and then falling away.


“Thanks, Jay.” I looked up at him, my eyes wide as they met his. Studying his reaction closely, I felt my chest tighten when a wave of water crashed over his eyes, making the normal icy blue becomes glistening pools in the fluorescents hanging above us. I wanted to walk up to him, I wanted to put my hands on the scruff growing on his face and run my fingers against it.

Nostalgia washed over me. The smell of his tee shirt, the warmth of his body, and the soft hum of his voice infiltrated my mind and started over turning all of the sanity I had laid out early this morning after I checked into work. I had tried so hard to stay sane, tried so hard to stay level around Emma, through everything, but as James pressed his face into my shoulder, my walls crumbled.

Clenching my jaw, I grabbed a handful of James’ tee shirt and pressed my forehead into his shoulder, my heart racing as a few tears slipped from my eyes and soaked into the shirt beneath me. Trembling hands, I felt James adjust his grip on me, and then pull me against him as much as he could without snapping me completely in half.

It took a while before we spoke again. When James didn’t pull his arms from me, I felt Emma pull on my sweater, her giggling rushing through my head, disturbing the calm chaos inside of me. Biting down on my lip, I rubbed my eyes on James’ shoulder and then looked down at Emma, her bright eyes sparkling.


“I want in.” Emma flashed me a huge smile as she lifted her arms up and asked to be picked up. Smiling over at her, I went to pick her up when the brunette across from me quickly snatched her up and placed a kiss on her cheek. Squealing in his arms, Emma pressed her hands against his face and then smiled at him. “What are you doing here, Daddy?”

“Mommy didn’t tell you?”


“Tell me…”


“I’m moving to Nashville.” The smile on James face made my stomach knot uncomfortably. Staring at the daughter in his hand, he nodded at her and let his eyes flood with water again. Waiting for the new wall of tears to crumble, I sucked in a small breath and looked away, trying to recompose my sanity for a minute while I was alone.

A part of me, a very large part of me, couldn’t comprehend why I was here. I’ve been trying to play it off that it was a half-awake mistake. I tried to blame my words and actions on James calling me so early in the morning when my mind wasn’t thinking straight. It didn’t work though. I knew what I was doing, I knew what I was saying. It was so much harder to be cold when I heard his voice, heard the strain, the worry, and the pain.

I knew how much he loved Pittsburgh. I knew he fit well there and I knew he got along with all of the guys. I remember seeing him on HBO, seeing him drive around in his car and hang out with his teammates. I remember Emma telling me about his house in Pennsylvania, his friends and how nice they all were. She spoke about his teammates children, told me how much fun they were, and then told me how much daddy missed us.

Not just her.

Not just me.

Us.

Every time she said that to me, after every visit she had with him, I had to hold back the urge to scream. There was no reason that this had to crumble. There was no reason why James couldn’t have just picked up his cell phone and called me. He could have handled it better. I could have handled it better.

We were two idiotic, love sick, messed up, twenty-something year olds. Thrust into the real world right after college, trying to get along with a child, a mediocre job and a wavering NHL career. I always felt weak next to James, I always felt like I needed him in some way.

Maybe this all happened, so I could be happy.

My voice fell silent as James grabbed his bags from the conveyor belt. I trailed along loosely behind them, letting my eyes roam over everything in the room other than James. I didn’t want to see him look at me. The expression on my face was blank, my eyes were wide and dark, and it was evident that I was having some internal conflict by the lack of coherency.

James always had a way of guessing what was wrong before I even fully understood what was wrong. I just begged that after five or so years of being apart, not seeing my facial features contort in pain or hatred, he would have to learn them all over again.

I thought that maybe, just maybe, he lost the keen sense of my emotional states, but was proven wrong when we were halfway across the parking lot. Emma was trailing along next to James, a little in front of me. Her head was bobbing on her shoulders, her hair blowing in the wind. There was an evident spring to her step which let guilt flood into my system. She was so happy. She could have always been this happy if I didn’t over react. Everything would be so much different if those weeks never happened.

Did I want it to be, did I want to be who I was instead of who I am today?

Emma broke apart from James and I when we reached the car. Instead of hanging by the trunk, she skipped over to the back passengers side door and then pulled it open. Climbing into the car, she started humming to herself as she started to set up the seatbelt in her car seat.

Pulling open the trunk, I looked into the car and then turned to James, his eyes inspecting the vehicle before he turned to me and smiled. “You’re doing well?”

“It’s a Range Rover?”


“Fully loaded?” James asked as he set all of his bags in the back and then shut the latch. Once Emma’s door was shut, and we were fully separated from the car, the brunette looked at me and frowned. “If you didn’t want me to-“


“I never… I never said anything, Jay.” My heart ached as his nickname slipped through my teeth. “Do you see how happy she is with both of us here, getting along?” I swore I was crying again, but when I brushed my hand against my cheek, it was bear. “I’m barely able to function knowing I kept this from her for so long.”

James shook his head, slipping his large hand on the side of my face. Directing my eyes into his he took a deep breath and then let it out slowly, letting a shake rumble through his body before he spoke. “I fucked this all up, Charlotte. This is all because of me. I had no right to do that to you, to Emma. Please, don’t feel like you ever did anything wrong.”

Nodding, I sucked in a small breath and leaned forward, pressing my forehead into James’ shoulder before I started crying in front of him again. There was just something so comforting about him, something so safe about being in his arms that I had never fully felt with other men.

I had tried dating, I had tried finding someone who could put up with me. My schedule was schizophrenic, Emma took up ninety percent of my off time, and the rest was taken up by food shopping, cooking, cleaning, or watching James’ games with Emma, letting her fall asleep during the third period on my lap while I did work and she cheered on her father.

“I’m so proud of you, Charlie.”


“I’m… I’m happy you’re back.” I whispered and then motioned toward the car. When the brunette broke his stare with me and nodded, I turned on my heels and then walked over to the drives seat. Pulling the door open, I slid into the car, turned it on, and then looked over at James who had just buckled his seatbelt. Letting my eyes run up his bare arms, I felt a smile surface on my lips.

When he noticed my eyes soaking him in, he smiled over at me and leaned back in his seat, a smirk playing on his lips. “What’s so funny, Char?”


“Nothing is funny, James.” I huffed and swiftly backed out of the spot and headed toward the exit. “I wasn’t laughing.”

“You’re smiling.”


“Should I try to be more miserable?” I looked over at the brunette as the car rolled to a stop at a red light. Keeping my foot pressed firmly against the break pedal, I turned my head completely toward him and watched as he ran his eyes from the arm rest between us up to my eyes. Once there, he sucked in a small breath and then turned away from me.

By the way he exhaled, I could tell something was bothering him, but there was no part of me that wanted to get into an in depth conversation in front of Emma. For some bizarre reason, the small girl became freakishly protective over me. Every little raise in someone’s voice, even if it was just in telling a story, she would make her way over to me and listen closely to what was going on to make sure I was okay and there was no foul play going on.

“Daddy, are you living with us now?”

“For a little.”


“Avery’s parents live together, how come you and mommy don’t.” My breath caught in my chest as I looked out and begged foe the light to turn green so I could cut myself out of the conversation. One of the main regrets about doing this was that Emma was going to catch on to why James had never lived with us in her memory. When he played in Pittsburgh, I was able to lean on my job being in one place and his being in another, but now that we were all together, even living in the same town, excuses were running thin.

James struggled for a moment before he turned in his seat and took full control over the situation. Letting out a deep breath, I watched as the light flicked green above me and I hit the gas pedal. Navigating the car through the rest of the airport, I detached myself form James and Emma and focused on the road.

Silencing the thoughts in my head, I managed to adjust the rate of my heart beats just as James turned around and Emma kicked the back of my seat. Blinking a few times, I glanced up into the rear view mirror and watched as her smiling face reflected back at me. “What’s up, Em?”


“You think Dug will be home, I want to introduce Daddy to Dug.”


“Dug?” James’ eyes snapped over to me, making every drop of blood in my body grow cold. In the mess of the past few days, I had completely forgotten about the overly-friendly neighbor to our left. When Emma and i had first moved into the house, the brunette next door showed up and offered some help with loading the boxes from my car into the house. After accepting, we hit it off as friends. Every few weeks when he was home from business trips, or whatever he was on, we would all get together for some dinner. Dug would run around my house, Emma would chase him, and Shea and I would talk about absolutely nothing over a glass of wine.

It never lead to anything, we stayed strictly friends, but it was nice to have an outside perspective on everything once in a while. He seemed to get what I was going through without me explaining much. He knew my emotions really well, much like I knew his, but I never really spoke much about myself, which in turn left his occupation, background, and a lot of under things a mystery.

I wasn’t sure if that was part of the attraction or just a wall I put up in order to keep myself from letting any emotions toward him flourish. There had always been a flirty undertone between us, we had kissed here and there after too many glasses of wine on Friday dinners, but it was a loose bond. We went for weeks without speaking only to reconvene like no time had passed at all.

“He’s our neighbors dog.” I admitted after a moment of silence, letting guilt fill my stomach as I thought about Shea running his hands over me. I didn’t deserve to feel guilty about it, it was in a different mind state when I was sure I would never be face to face with James again.

Now, everything was different.

“Yeah!” Emma’s voice tore through my head intensifying the pulse behind my eyes, making it hard for me to focus on the road and her words at the same time. “Dug’s owner is Shea, he like tacos and country music.”

“Shea?”


“Yeah, he lives next door. He helped us move in a while ago, nice guy. He comes over for dinner here and there. Just nice to talk to someone that doesn’t talk about work.” I whispered and watched as James tensed up next to me.


“Interesting.”


“James, cut the-“

“Shea what?” James head snapped to the side, his big blue eyes burning into me as the question hung in the air. “What’s his last name, do you even know?”


Rolling my eyes, I tightened my grip on the steering wheel as I got off the highway and slowed the car to a stop at the first stop light on the exit ramp. Putting on my blinker to head the opposite way from the city, I crossed my arms against my chest and looked at him.

“Don’t pull this bullshit with me now, James. You think after everything I went through with you, I’d want to date anyone else?” I hissed and watched as the color in James’ face drained. The raging fire in his eyes withered away and the scowl on his face softened until the ends of his lips twisted into a frown. Once he nodded a little and licked his lips, he mumbled a sorry and let out a deep breath, turning his head to the side and looking out of the window.

As the car fell silent, I looked back up and watched as the light turned green. Following the car in front of me, I turned onto the main road that lead to out development. Nerves shaking under my skin, I went to speak when Emma gasped.


“I remember! It’s Weber!” Emma leaned forward and waved her hand between James and I to get out attention. “Dug’s dad is Shea Weber.”


“Oh right, We-“


“You’ve been sleeping with the captain of my team, are you kidding me?” James struggled to keep his voice low so he wouldn’t get Emma’s attention.


“I never slept with him, James, grow the fuck u-“, I froze as I turned down a long road and then slowed the car to around thirty miles an hour. Heart racing in my chest, I looked over at the brunette and watched as pain, anger, and resentment washed over his chiseled features. “Captain of your what…”


Nodding, James looked over at me, his big eyes locking onto mine as he rubbed the side of his face. “Shea Weber is the captain of the Nashville Predators.”

I nearly let the swirling thoughts in my head pull me into an unconscious state. My stomach was knotting and I felt like I was going to throw up. Out of all of the people in Tennessee, all of the people around Nashville, even all of the men on the Predators, how do I end up seeing him.

How does this happen, why does this happen? Why to me?

“Hey look, it’s Dug!” Emma squealed as we pulled onto my street. Biting down on my lip, I stopped the car in front of my house along the curb and felt my whole body consume itself in flames as I watched Shea throw a ball across the front yard and then turn toward me. Shielding his eyes, he gave us a small wave with a huge smile. Returning it, I looked over at James and watched as he sunk lower in his seat, disbelief and pure hatred battling to win his emotions over.

Without a word, the brunette next to me got out of the car and looked over at our neighbor. When Shea turned to look at him, he paused, his jaw unhinging as he shook his head and then pulled the ball from Dug’s mouth and headed over to James who was now standing in the middle of the front lawn.

Body shaking, I got out of the car and walked around to them, watching as Emma ripped her seatbelt off, pushed the door open, and then jumped into the grass and nearly tackled Dug. Large dog flipping over, Emma squealed and started to scratch his belly as I slowly made my way over to the men.


“Charlie, you never told me you knew James?”


“You never told me you played hockey.” I blurted out and watched as a smirk flashed onto Shea’s lips. As my cheeks started to beat red, I felt James tense next to me.

“You never asked.” Shea hummed and then turned to James. “So how do you know Char?”

I could see the fire in James eyes as Shea called me by my nickname. Since James, Shea had been the only other person I had let call me that. The brunette gave me some sick sense of safety that was similar to James’ but lacked in places where James excelled. Regardless, him calling me that made me miss James and realize I could replace him simultaneously. Now, it just made me sick.

“I’m Emma’s dad.”