Gin and Juice

It was a bad decision. A very, very bad decision on both of our parts. Wanna know why? The little fucker didn’t tell me that he still had a girlfriend, that’s why! Stupid little cocksucker, I swear to god I’m going to kill him if I ever see his butt-ass ugly face again! Curse him and his damn pillow talk and all his fucking promises that he never comes through on! If all of his little fan girls knew what a dirty scum bag he was, then I bet he wouldn’t have any left.

I can’t believe I let him fuck around with me until the day he fucking left…and I didn’t know until I saw her bony-ass walk up to him and give him a big wet one before getting on the bus. I was going to kill the fucker if Matt hadn’t stepped in like always.

“How long?” he asked when we were a good distance from the bus and he could tell that I had calmed down slightly.

“Two weeks.”

His eyes grew dark as his jaw clenched. His arm muscles bulked up as he looked to his band mate.

“No, Matt,” I said firmly, my hand on his bicep. “He’s not worth it. He never was.”

Matt’s eyes flicked back to me, softening almost instantly. “Do you really believe that?”

“I have to,” I shrugged. “It’s the only way… Look, just forget about it, okay? Have fun. Don’t beat him up too much.”

Matt smiled down at me. “I can’t make any promises.”

“Danni Tamberelli,” Kale sung out as he entered the house. Yes, house…I haven’t given it up yet.

“In the living room,” I called, not really caring if he had heard. I was watching “Are you Smarter than a 5th Grader.” Apparently, I’m not smarter than one.

“Name the adjective in this sentence: The dog ran quickly to his bone.” Jeff Foxworthy said.

“The.” I answered.

“Incorrect. There are no adjectives in this sentence,” Kale said from behind me. I looked up at him and smiled. “The is an article.”

“Which is a sub-genre of an adjective. It modifies “dog.” What dog? The dog.” I reasoned.

Kale shook his head and plopped down next to me. “Danni, they’re not looking for that complicated of an answer.”

“But, I’m right!”

“Incorrect. There are no adjectives in this sentence, because neither the dog or the bone are being modified.” Jeff said on the TV.

“WHAT?! Give me the damn phone. What’s the number?”

Kale took the phone away from me. “No. Danni, just drop it, ok? The world hasn’t stopped because you got an answer wrong.”

“But…that’s the fifth question in a row that I got wrong!” I whined, crawling into his lap like a small child.

“ Just, take a chill pill. Most of the time, the simplest answer is the correct one. Stop over analyzing every little thing.”

I hung my head and didn’t respond.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry! Dannni,” he wrapped his arms tightly around me and began rocking from side to side.

“Can we get a little human pet?”

He laughed at me. “And where are we going to find one?”

“The mall. I hear that scene kids are easy to keep. We need a good one, though…so, they need to already be housebroken, don’t mind cleaning, and doesn’t mind me dressing them up.”

“No.”

“What?! They’re so cute and cuddly! You know you want to play Barbie with one.”

“No.”

“Why the hell not? I’ll take care of them. You won’t have to lift a finger!” I pulled out my infamous puppy dog look that no one can deny.

“For starters, they have guns now! Second, you’re very irresponsible. Sure, you’ll take care of one in the beginning, but then you’ll grow bored of it and I would have to take care of it. thirdly, you’re going to scare the poor thing by dolling it up every second of everyday then taking embarrassing pictures of it. And besides, humans are not pets. And, no, you cannot use them as a sex slave, either. It’s illegal in all 50 states.”

I scoffed and through my hair back dramatically. “We’ll make him a resident…and I won’t use any whips and chains.”

Kale gave me the ‘hell, no. drop the subject’ look.

“Fine then! Make Shea bisexual.” I spoke of his current “boyfriend”- in reality, they were just fuck buddies.

“No! He’s mine! I refuse to share him.”

“Well then, I’m all out of ideas.”

“Don’t worry about it. I-”

“Hold that thought! I have to piss like a mo-fo,” I said, quickly scrambling out of his lap and ran to the nearest bathroom. When I came out, Kale was talking on the phone. I hung back and listened to the one-sided conversation.

“Yea, man, she’s great… nah, all I have to do is keep her distracted… really? That’s weird, but nothing compared to her… she asked me if we could get a human pet… I’m not kidding! It was a great conversation ending in whips and chains.”

A small giggle escaped my lips as I remembered what Kale and I were discussing not five minutes ago.

“Hey, man, it seems I have an eavesdropper. Do you still want to talk to her?” My cover blown, I ran and launched over the back of the couch. I landed on Kale’s knee, making him curse loudly, and reached for the phone.

“Helllooooo,” I greeted after grabbing the phone. “Kale’s lesbian hut, how may I help you?”

“Hey, Danni.”

“MATTHEW! It’s been months! When did you get Kale’s number?”

“Danni, look at the phone.”

I did, my cheeks going scarlet. Kale cackled next to me. “Don’t you dare say a word, Sanders…you, too, Kale.” I pushed my best friend/ roommate, causing him to yelp and scream “abuse”

“Hey, no domestic violence,” Matt warned.

Kale stuck his tongue out at me.

“But, he’s sticking his tongue out at me!”

“No.”

“Can I punch?”

“No.”

“What about kicking?”

“No.”

“A little push?”

“No.”

“What about tying him up and forcing him to watch the Teletubbies for hours on end?”

Kale paled and ran out of the room.

I could almost picture the gears in Matt’s head turning. “Sure, why the hell not? You have to find Kale first.”

“No problem. He’s in the blue section of his closet, right next to his purple platform shoes.”

“I didn’t want to know that.”

“Well, now you do.”

“Ok, now that I have you alone-”

“Uh-oh, better tell Val.”

“I’m trying to be serious, Danni.”

I crossed my legs and turned off the TV. “then speak.”

“Brian’s going nuts over here.”

“I don’t care.”

“He’s so depressed. All mopey and shit. He has no energy on stage.”

“Honestly, I don’t care, Matt. He’s finally got what was coming to him.”

“Danni, please. Will you at least talk to him?”

“And what could I possibly say to him? That he was an idiot? That he deserved what he got? He made me the other woman, Matthew.” I looked around to see that Kale was standing in the doorway. His eyes were soft and welcoming as he walked over. “Listen, I’ll talk to you later. Bye.” I turned off my phone and nestled into Kale’s arms.

“I could a change of scenery is in order. What would you say to moving?”

“Why?”

“Because I was talking to Jared earlier and he wants us to run the New York branch.”

“What New York branch?” I asked, moving off of his lap so that I could actually see him.

“The one that’s being built right now.”

“Sounds fun. When do we start?”

“Next month is the grand opening.”

“Let’s get packing, then! I’ll call the realtor tomorrow!” I jumped off the couch and ran into the hall closet. I grabbed half of the suitcases and started throwing clothes into them.

“Danni! Food first, then celebrate.”

“Good plan.”