Fall Quarter 2015

So I talked with her two nights ago and we pulled another all nighter last night. Two nights ago we cuddled and just talked about where she was, and I thought it was going somewhere. But last night when we talked, she was pretty sure she didn't feel the same way, at all. Which was super confusing because what the hell have we been doing for the past 5 weeks. It doesn't make sense to be that intimate and close with a person and not feel any affection at all towards them. She's pretty sure she won't feel anything, but I want to have done everything possible. She's had urges to instigate physical contact with me, but throughout these past 5 weeks, she's been suppressing most of them. So, I asked her, for the next 11 days, to let the urges flow, without filter, to see if it ignites something. And it probably won't, and she thinks it's only going to cause me more suffering, and she's probably right, but I just can't believe she doesn't feel anything, nor do I want to. This is more of a last goodbye than anything, a goodbye to a relationship that I never had. In a sense, I'm letting go of a lot, and since she probably won't find anything, even though I hope to God that she does, the process of breaking down, and having comfort, helps to ease into the transition of loss. I'll give her the necklace Tuesday.