Nothing Really Matters

It was overwhelming, there really wasn’t any better way to describe what I felt for him. Question was, if it was too overwhelming for me to handle. I could deal with my own feelings, but it was a whole other thing to handle his feelings for me. I had always been good at pushing away from people when I got too emotional involved, but with him there was no way out. I had fallen so damn hard for him and the crazier thing was that he was just as in love with me as I was in him. Not that I had been able to show him or tell him that yet. He knew, but no way near how bad it really was. He of course was an open book for me to read, displaying his feelings for me in every little thing he did. It was overwhelming to take in and to process that someone like him could feel that way about me. John had told me every single day that no one else would ever touch me or look at me. Who the hell wanted me? When told something like that every single day for five years, you start believing it. I had chose to shut away my feelings in a tight little box deep inside my heart and brain for a long time and I had no plans to ever opening it again. But he had stripped me down to the bone. I wasn’t even sure I was happy about it yet. A normal person should be happy, ecstatic, to have Norman Reedus falling in love with you, but I was too fucked up and confused to realize most women would give up an arm and an leg to trade places with me.
We had found a hotel right outside Harrisonburg to stay at over the night. He was almost asleep as I crawled down next to him after finishing in the bathroom.
“How are you?”
He sighed heavily before opening his eyes to look at me. His mood was hard to read at the moment and I felt the insecurity coming creeping. I moved away from him to sit up with my back to the bedpost and wrapped my arms around my legs.
“I’m fine, Lo.”
“Alright.”
“Why you ask?”
“I guess I’m not use to you not talking…”
He sat up suddenly and watched me intently. I would normally just drown in those eyes. But at the moment I was too confused and worried about his weird mood.
“I was just thinking about what you said.”
“What part?”
“That you should never walk out on your family. I’m just trying to understand how you… I just don’t get it.”
“I just meant that I really love you loyalty and its part of who you are and something you shouldn’t change because of me. Family comes first, right?”
“Yeah, but… You never had a family. You don’t have any references to what’s it like.”
“I’ve you. I’ve seen what it means to you. With Andy and your son and…”
“How the hell have you been able to see that in two weeks?”
“I like to watch you. I listen and observe even when you don’t think I do. I told you, I notice everything. After John I got extremely… paranoid I guess, so I liked to study people from afar first. I got pretty good at reading people, their relationships and what they wanted.”
“So what about me?”
“What about you?”
“What am I like? What do I want?”
“Well, your first and most important priority is your son. There’s nothing you wouldn’t do for him and even though you have a pretty good relationship with his mother, you wish she would keep out of your business and let you raise him on your own. I know you’re fearing him growing up too fast. I know that you love Andy like a brother, he’s the first one you turn to when you need advice or an opinion on something. I know that what he thinks of this, whatever this is, between you and me, matters more than anything to you right now. When I told you what happened to me, I know you tried very hard to stay in control but all you wanted was to cry your eyes out. You don’t want to let your guard down in front of me, always putting on this brave and protecting face, cause you don’t want me to see you weak and vulnerable. I know that you’re terrified every single second that I’m going to leave. And I know that you… I know that you love me, you’re just not sure you should tell me, cause you’re afraid it will scare me away.”
“Will it?”
“I don’t know.”
“Where did you pick up on my relationship to Helena?”
“Just the way you talked to her when she called. Your words said one thing, but your body a whole other thing…. I find you very interesting when you talk, you use so much more than just your words when you talk. Like right now for instance, your words tell me that you really don’t care that I listen to your conversations, but your body says a whole other thing. It might not bother you that I listen, but it bothers you that I knew this much just by watching you.”
“I really don’t mind that you listen to my conversations to other people but it bugs the hell out of me that you are able to read me like you do. It’s freaky you know so much about me just by watching me.”
“So you’re saying it’s all true…?
“Pretty much all true.”
“Wow, I didn’t even know I was that good.”
“You’re missing out on one crucial thing though.”
“If you mean your erection I’m way ahead of ya.”
“Damn, girl. I thought I did a pretty good job keep that from you.”
“You’re kidding, right? Your whole body is just screaming at me to blow you right now.”
“Sorry…”
“Don’t be.”
He willingly laid down underneath me when I gently pushed him down to the bed.
“I just don’t want you to do thing you really don’t want to.”
“Trust me, if I didn’t want to do this, I wouldn’t do it.”
“London?”
He grabbed my face between his hands as he spoke and I knew what he was going to say before he opened his mouth.
“I love you.”
“Thank you.”
I gave him one soft kiss on his lips before tracing his gorgeous body downward with my lips. He was panting even before I closed my mouth around him and I realized this wasn’t going to take long. It was probably a mixture of both sexual and emotional exhaustion that made him so breathless once I crawled back up to him.
“What the fuck are you doing to me…? I’m a fucking mess.”
I noticed then that he was actually crying and I couldn’t quite understand why he would be crying now.
“Why are you crying?”
“I don’t know.”
“I told you to stay away from me if you wanted to keep your sanity.”
“That’s not gonna happen.”
“I know.”
“You’re still here.”
“Where the hell would I go?”
“I just told you I love you.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“And you’re still here….What the fuck, you’re making me fucking cry like a little bitch.”
I actually started to laugh when more tears escaped his eyes. He really did look like a mess and he really didn’t have a reason to cry. I had managed to break him. He had expected me to run out the door once the words were spoken. Now I was still there and I realized that it probably meant a whole lot more to him than it did to me. ‘I love you’ was just a phrase to me. It had never meant anything before.
“Should I go? So that you can pull yourself together again?”
“Hell no! If you walked out that door I would never recover again.”
“Fine…. I know you want me to say it to but it’s not…”
“I get that, Lo. You don’t have to say it back.”
“I want to able to, one day, but it has just never had a meaning to me before. I’m more like action speaks louder than words type of person.”
“I can give you all kinds of action.”
“You sure can… Are you done crying or do you need a hug?”
“I should hate you for doing this to me. You have no idea how fucking hard you have me wrapped around your finger right now. It’s insane.”
“I thought you weren’t anybody’s bitch.”
“Na, that’s just Daryl. I’m your bitch, baby.”
He wrapped his arms around me so tightly I forgot how to breathe for a second. He pressed his lips to my hair and loosens his grip. I placed my head to his naked chest and listen to his racing heart. It took him a good ten minutes to get back to normal but once he had, it didn’t take me long to fall asleep.
I sleep a solid 12 hours that night, a first in my life I believe. He was still asleep when I woke, lying on his side, facing me. I laid there just watching for what felt like forever. I could’ve stayed there all day, just watching him. He stirred after a while.
“You’re staring.”
“Yeah, I know, I can’t help it. You’re pretty fascinating when you sleep too. Dreaming a lot?”
“More than usual for some reason. You’re in my dreams most of the time.”
“I’m honored. If they’re good dream there is…”
“Most of the time but very confusing.”
“Yeah… Everything about this is confusing.”
“Amen to that….Damn, what time is it? It feels like we’ve been sleeping for days.”
“11:20. I’m starving.”
“I’ll order some breakfast. You want pancakes?”
“Scrambled eggs and toast.”
I told him as I left the bed and headed to the bathroom. I heard him make the call to the reception. When I removed the towel from my face after drying it, he was suddenly there right behind me, watching me through the mirror.
“What?”
I should’ve seen it coming, but this time he actually caught me by surprise as he grabbed me by the waist, turned me around and lifted me up to the sink. His lips find mine easily and naturally. A knock on the front door interrupted his plans and I could hear him curse under his breath. I laughed a little at him and intended to pull away from him when he suddenly called out to the front door.
“Leave it by the door!”
I raised my eyebrows at him as we could hear the door open. The door to the bathroom was open and one had a pretty good view from the front door. He kept staring at me whoever and I couldn’t take my eyes away from him.
“Room service.”
“Just leave it by the door.”
“Yes, sir.”
Behind him I could see a young man dressed in white eyeing us quickly before leaving the room again.
“Now, where were we?”
“I don’t know what you had planned, but I’m hungry.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“Yeah…”
I grabbed him by his hair and pulled him close as he entered me.

We arrived at his Georgia home late Saturday night, after driving all day. He had filled me in on all his fellow cast members along the way and I was amazed how tight they seemed to be. They really were a family and even though I knew what it would mean to him if I tried, I wasn’t sure I would be able to meet all of them, let alone become part of that family. I wanted him, I needed him, not anyone else. His house stood alone at the end of a road in one of the many suburbs to Atlanta city. It was quite and not too many neighbors around. I loved it immediately even though it was too dark to actually see all of it. He parked the car and as I grabbed my pack from the backset he sneaked his hand into mine and guided me inside.
“Welcome home.”
“It’s gorgeous.”
“Yeah, I love this place…. I bought it only last year but it’s been a great this far. I hope you will like it too.”
“Is that why everyone freaked out, when you moved, because they thought Daryl had died?”
“I guess…I like it better out here, not too close to the city. I mean, I live in New York the other half of the year, when’s a man going to have some quite time?”
He walked around and turned on a few lights.
“Would you like a tour?”
“I rather eat something then just got o bed. I’m pretty tired. You should be too, after driving all day.”
“Yeah I am… If you want your own bedroom, you can take Mingus’s upstairs when he’s not here. If not, the master bedroom is down the hall.”
“Why would I like my own bedroom?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you want me to have my own bedroom?”
“Fuck, no. I would just be checking on you every other hour or so if you had and I wouldn’t get much sleep.”
“And you really do need your beauty sleep.”
“Yeah, exactly.”
“I’m sleeping with you… You know, like in the same bed not…”
“Yeah, yeah I get it, what were the words you used? Fucking your brains out? Do I really””
“Yeah, you really do.”
“Will it ever stop?”
“What will?”
“I mean you seem to want me just as much I want you and I know I sure as hell can’t control that right now. Will that ever stop?”
“I sure as hell hope not.”
“Good.”
“Do you have any food?”
“Yeah. I asked some of the crew to fill the kitchen up before I got here so there should be packed.”
“Great. Can I make dinner then?”
“You cook?”
“I kinda had to, both before I left Boston and after and I’m addicted to the Food Channel, so yeah I think I can put something together.”
“In that case, be my guest. I couldn’t cook to save my life.”
“It hasn’t been that bad.”
“Now you’re just kissing ass, missy…. I will leave you to it then. I’m gonna go unpack our stuff.”
I went through the entire kitchen before deciding on doing chicken with pasta. I heard him moving about in the house, checking closets and hanging cloths. He returned to the living room which was combined in an open floor plan to the kitchen, to turn on some music.
“What do you listen to?”
In the background I could hear some rock starting to play but it wasn’t familiar to me.
“Whatever is on the radio, I guess…. I was madly in love with Bryan Adams when I was younger. “
“What are you making? It smells really great.”
“You will see… Have you actually used the kitchen before? Most of these things look brand new.”
“I usually don’t have that much time over for eating, at least not here alone.”’
“I thought you enjoyed single life.”
“I did, it just always sucks to come home to an empty house and cook for yourself and no one else so I always ate somewhere else then came home here just to sleep.”
“So you’re not single anymore?”
“I’m not sure. Am I?”
“You’re asking me?”
“Yes, London I’m asking you. What do I tell Andy tomorrow when he asks if I’m still single?”
“What do you want to tell him?”
“I thought you knew everything about what I wanted.”
“Just making sure you know what you want. So, I’m asking you right now. Are you still single, Mr. Reedus?”
“No, I’m not single anymore.”
“Ok, good to know…”
“It feels weird to say it. I’m not single anymore.”
“You better practice then.”
“What about you? Are you single, miss Richardson?”
“Nope.”
“Good. Glad we could finally figure something out instead of fucking things up even more… Do you want me to unpack your backpack?”
“No, leave it, I will do it later, thanks.”
“Alright then. I’m gonna jump in the shower real quick, let me know when you’re done.”
“Yes, sir.”

I felt at home. For the first time in my life I wanted to stay at one place. I had been on a constant move for the past 3 year. It had been a good life in some ways, unbounded and a feeling of being completely free. I had no one to answer to. It was me, myself and I in everything I did. But I would be lying my ass of if I said I had never wanted this. A place of my own, well, sort of anyway, and someone to share it with. It had been a very long time since I had felt any joy in making something for anyone else. My mother's face came to mind when I finished up the cooking. My first memories of her were of a carrying and loving mother. She had protected me when my father had become violent but it changed. I even remember when and why and the memories still haunted me at night sometimes. The family next door had a 12 years old son. I was 6 and he had tried to force me to jerk him off. I remember I had gotten scared and ran straight back home to tell my mother. She had just starred at me for what felt like forever to a 6 year old. The hand across my face had been so hard I fell to the floor. She had shouted a lot at me after that, calling me a whore among other things. I was a disgrace to the family. The words from my mother had been worse than anything my father ever did. She had abounded me that day and I had never, would never, forgiven her. Alex had been my family after that. Him and I against the world. He had done the right thing, betting up the kid to a bloody mess.

"London!"
A loud cry suddenly woke me up and at the same time my mind returned to the present, a sharp pain went throng the palm of my hand. He was there right beside me and quickly grabbed the knife from me. I hadn't even realized I had squeezed the blade into my hand. I was only drying it off on the towel. When I looked down however the towel was in my other hand and the blood dripped on to the counter.
"Are you alright...? Hey, look at me. Are you ok?"
He wrapped the towel around my hand and held it upright at the same time as he searched for my gaze.
"I'm fine... Son of a bitch...! I'm sorry, I was just..."
"Don't apologize, stupid. Let me take a look."
The towel was already soaking red with blood as he gently removed it to take a closer look at the long cut in my palm, of course at the same place as I had already cut it just days before. He ran my hand under the water and it mixed with the redness.
"I'm taking you to the ER."
His words felt like a whip hitting me across my back and I quickly snatch back my hand from him and pressed the towel to the cut to stop the bleeding.
"No you're not!"
"You need stitches."
"I'm not going to a fucking hospital! I can do it myself!"
"You're not stitching yourself back together!"
"Why the hell not? I've done it before!"
"Well you're not doing it now! Not when I'm around...! Could you at least let me call someone then and they could get here?"
He compromised and it caught me a little of guard. I didn't comprise, did I? But he looked ready to force me into the car and drive anyway if I didn't listen. I knew he could do it and I also knew, somewhere very, very deep inside at the moment, that he did it because he loved me.
"Fine!"
"Thank you... Sit down and I will make a phone call."
"I'm not done with dinner."
"Fuck the dinner, sit your ass down and keep pressure on that cut!"
Damn, he was hot angry! I rolled my eyes at him but did as he told me. Once he had turned his back at me however and was to occupied with his phone, I finishing up on the last details of the dinner. He glared at me when he turned back and found me at the stove.
"Fuck, Lo do you ever do as you're told?"
"No."
"Of course not, why would you..? Let me do that."
I had tried to life the boiling pasta with one handed but noticed with a frustrated groan that I wouldn't be able to lift the saucepan with one hand. He took over and I leaned to the counter to watch him, keeping a tight hold over the still bleeding hand.
"Come here..."
His anger subsided when he turned back to me. When he held out a hand to me, I grabbed it with my good one. He kissed my wrist gently before lifting my injured hand up above my head and held it elevated.
"You have got to chill, Lo. I'm not going to hurt you or let anyone else hurt you."
"Don't make promises you can't keep."
"I never do."
"Who's coming to patch me up?"
"We have an on call nurse. She will be here within half an hour."
"You have an on call nurse?"
"Yeah. Accidents do happen even in the world of the Walking Dead."
"Why do I get the feeling she has patched you up before?"
"It's a dangerous job playing Daryl Dixon, baby... But most of the times it’s just me being a really moron, running into doorposts and stupid shit like that."
I burst out laughing when the angry, but hot as hell, glare was back.
"Sorry..."
"I'm glad you find me so funny."
"I'm sorry... Are we gonna stay here for half an hour or what? Can't we eat while we wait?"
"Keep your arm up...! I'll get it. Sit down."
"Wow, you can be bossy."
"I don't want you losing too much blood."
"Fine."
Once I was seated by the table and he was contained with me staying there he began to plate up the food for the both of us.
"I'm never letting you leave ever again... This was fucking great."
"Am I suppose to take that as a promise or a threat?"
"Your choose."
I watched I fascination as he helped himself to a third plate of food, wondering where the hell it would fit, when the doorbell rang.
"She won't hur... Well, she will but not..."
"Oh, just let's get this over with!"
To my surprise I found myself walking to the door, but I waited until I felt him close behind me to open the door. She was a rather pleasant older woman and she was extremely light on her fingers but quick. Once the anesthesia had kicked in, she was done in less then 15 minutes.
"Change the badge every other day or if it gets dirty."
She told me as she wrapped the gauze around my hand.
"I should be able to take the stitches out in 2 weeks or so. I guess you're staying here with Mr. Reedus?"
I gave the man beside me a quick look before nodding my answer.
"Good. I trust you'll look after this young woman then."
"I'll do my best. Thank you Mrs. Smith."
"I really hope I won't have to see you that often this season, Mr. Reedus."
"Me too."
He bid her good night before closing the door behind her and then walked back to the couch where I had taken a seat.
"Well, welcome to Georgia."
"Thanks... This place really is great, I might actually enjoy living here. "
"Good... Do you want desert?"
"Dessert or desert?"
"I really love where your mind is heading but I was actually talking about desert, like ice cream or something."
"Oh.... Yeah, I could go for some ice cream."
"Why did you cut your hand?"
He asked the question like my answer really didn't matter but as I watched him walk over to the fridge I could see him tens, waiting for me to speak.
"Flashbacks..."
"To what?"
"Just back to my early days in Boston."
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
He handed me a container of ice cream and a spoon before sitting down next to me with a spoon on his own.
"Not really..."
"Ok."
He helped himself to some ice cream and I was really thankful that he accepted my answer without hesitation and not a thought in the world to pressure me further. He really was the greatest man I had ever come across.
"What's your favorit movie?"
He asked, flipping through the channels on the TV.
"I'm a sucker for any Disney movie or musical. Grease is an all time favorite."
“Lion King it is.”
He started one of my favorite movies and crawled into his arms, feelings pretty damn good about where my life seemed to be headed for the first time ever.