Nothing Really Matters

I wished for the first time in my life that I could be as comfortable as he was in situations like this. I wanted what he had. I wanted to be able to keep up a conversation and laugh at a joke over a glass of wine and good food. Now I mostly just watched. Him generally. He was close by, even a bit too close at times, he bumped his elbow into mien a few times while we ate. But he just smiled and kept moving closer. By the time Mrs. Lincoln served desert I was practically sitting on his lap, his arm wrapped around my shoulder. He was so in his right element, he was among friends and family, where he belonged. Where he was loved. Where I wanted to be, but had so long to go. I wanted to crawl out of my own skin as he leaned in to kiss my check lightly. I really tried not to just run towards the front door, but it took every ounce of control I had. He must have felt me froze but he couldn’t understand why. Hell, I wasn’t even sure why I freaked out at that piratical moment, I just felt smothered by his closeness when there were other people around. I did manage to ask for the bathroom as I hastily got to my feet. They all starred at me for a second before Mrs. Lincoln spoke.
"Down the hall behind you, last door to the right."

I had started to hyperventilate when I slammed the door behind me and sank down on the floor leaning to the back if the door. I closed my eyes and tried to get my breathing back to normal. This was going too fast. I wasn't ready for him to show his love for me in public yet. Not even if it was only Andy. He wanted so much more, so much faster. I lost track of how long I was sitting there but when the knock came I rose to open the door to let him in. But it wasn't Norman behind the door. Andy stepped inside without waiting for an invite. He closed the door behind him and sat down in the same space I had vacated. When I watched him he patted the place behind him and I sat down, but leaning against the counter farther away from him.
"Do you love him?"
"Pass."
"Do you want to love him?"
"Yes."
"What happened? Why'd you run?"
"I don't feel comfortable to let him touch me in front of others."
"Why?"
"I'm just....Fucked up."
"You've fucked him up pretty good too."
"That wasn't a question."
"Are you going to hurt him?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"It's just who I am. I'm too messed up for him. I'm not cut out for his world."
"Do you think you ever will be?"
"Maybe. If he gives me time. If you do."
"Do you want to be part of his world? Of this?"
"Yes."
"What are you most afraid of?"
"Of actual physical pain."
"He would never...."
"I know he won't. It's not him I'm worried about, it's you."
"Me in particularly?"
"No, just everyone."
"Is it easier to just be around him?"
"Hell yeah."
"Why don't you just do that then?"
"Because he wants me to get to know you guys, his family."
"I want to get to know you too. I just want to ask you one thing."
"I can't promise that I won't leave. It's just so much easier for me to run then to stay."
"What the hell did the world do to you?"
"A lot of fucked up things."
"He really do love you, I hope you can see that."
"Of course I can see it, the problem is believing it."
"Will you please come back to finish desert? My wife makes a mean apple pie."
"Give me a minute."
He rose without another word and closed the door behind himself. I found him a lot easier to talk to then I thought I would do. Maybe because he really did remind me of Norman. They were both family men, loyal and caring fathers. He was honest and I knew he was there on his own free will, Norman hadn't asked him. Probably the other way around. As I watched myself in the mirror it was hard for me to understand how I had come to be like this just in a few weeks time, because of one man. I had indeed put on some weight and it really showed in my face. My cheeks wasn't as hollow anymore and my hair had really liked being washed on almost a daily bases. I washed my face quickly before leaving the bathroom. I walked straight into his arms. He stood right outside the door waiting for me, panic in his eyes.
"I'm sorry."
We both spook at the same time. I knew why I was sorry but what had he to apologies about?
"Why are you...?"
"I'm sorry I pushed you too fast. I wasn't thinking. I'm just so happy to be here with you and... I'm sorry."
”I don’t do normal…. Not yet anyway.”
“Well, I have a pretty bad memory so…”
He trailed of but at least he had a small smile on his face again and he was so gorgeous at that moment that my instincts took over and I kissed him hard and long. He hands gripped my hips as he pinned me to the wall but just as his fingers starting to search for the lower bottoms of my shirt it seemed he realized what he was doing and stopped abruptly, slightly panting as he rested his forehead against mine.
“Sorry… I can’t fucking control it.”
“Don’t be sorry.”
“You’re kidding right? Just 10 minutes ago you freaked out about a kiss on the check and now you’re not sorry I want to fuck you right here, right now?”
“I don’t mind you kissing me, I just don’t like’em seeing it.”
“Why?”
I sighed a little but figured I had to try to explain to him why I had done as I had moment before. He really hadn’t understood what he had done wrong.
“If they see us together, happy like this, if they see me being close to you… It just makes me… I’ve something to lose if they know.”
“Know what?”
“That I want you. My dad always drew them away, the people I cared about, the once I showed any type of emotions to. It’s easier to live if you have nothing to lose. And now when you’re… Now you’re someone I can lose and I just don’t want people knowing how much I need you, cause they might try to take that away from me…”
“Andy wouldn’t…”
“I know that. I think. I just need to get use to him first.”
“Ok, I get that.”
“Thank you.”
“Do you wanna go home?”
“No, that’s fine.”
“Good, cause Gale makes that best damn apple pie you’ll ever have. And if you behave you might actually get some desert back home as well.”
“Oh, shut the fuck up…”
I pushed him away with a grin on my face but he just grinned back before grabbing my hand and pulled me with him back to the dinner table.
The next morning he was stalling. Drabbing his feet every step he took. He was already late but I couldn’t get him to leave. I knew he was ready to get down on his knees and beg but it wouldn’t help. I wasn’t going with him. It was his first day of work and he should be heading into Atlanta and the studio to start preparing. He had started the night before, when we drove back home from dinner, trying to talk me into going with him. When that hadn’t worked he had tried to lithely fuck me into it, all night, but now he was just sulking and muttering.
“I will be gone all day.”
He tried for the 100th time but I just kept on ignoring him while finishing my breakfast standing by the counter in the kitchen.
“You won’t be getting any of this for the whole day.”

He was suddenly behind me, grabbing me hard and spun me around to face him. His eyes were wild, a mixture of fear and I guess desire. I had never experienced this side of him before. He seemed ready to fall to pieces in front of me. I wasn’t ready for his next move at all and I shrieked a little as he lifted me to the counter and forced my back down on the cold surface. I didn’t even have it in me to protest when he leaned over me to pine his upper body over me at the same time as his fingers found their way inside me. Involuntary I gasped and arched my hips up to met him. He just looked down at me with an evil little smile on his lips before leaning closer and starting tracing my throat and neck with hard kisses and bits. I knew he would be leaving marks but his hands where making be forget everything else that he did. Just as soon as he had started, he stopped and left me panting so close to the edge but still not quite there yet.
“I will see you later.”
He whispered before kissing my shocked lips hard and fast.
“Are you fucking kidding me?!”
“I love you.”
He was at the front door when I pulled myself together and sat up on the edge of the counter and glared over at him.
“Fuck you!”
He closed the door behind him and the only thing I could hear was my own heavy breathing. Seconds later the roar from the bike reached me and I listened for as long as I could, hear it disappear further away. Shortly I recovered and found myself on my feet again to finish up the breakfast.
Have you recovered?
The text message came about 45 minutes after he had left and I was in the bathroom, getting ready for the day. That was a thing in itself to reflect over. I had my own bathroom to get ready in. To wash up and brush my teeth. I didn’t have to worry about someone throwing my out before I was finished. I could take all the time in the world.
You’re the most annoying person I’ve ever met, Mr. Reedus!
You loved it.
What’s there not to love? But you didn’t finish the job for once.
That was kinda the point. Now you will have to wait for me.
When are you coming back?
Do you miss me already, babe?
At least your fingers.
Now you’re the mean one!
Sorry. Yes, I do. I miss all of you.
Good. I miss you too.
Good luck on your first day back.
I wish you were here.
I know you do. Some other time, I promise but not right now.
Ok. I’ll be back around 6 tonight. We’re not filming yet, just preparing, get into the whole thing again, planning the season.
I hope you make it out alive at the end of it.
Me too. I love you.
I love you too.
Fuck! My hands had typed too fast and the pushed the send bottom without really thinking about what I wrote. It was true, but still it freaked me out that I actually let him know that. Even if it was just through the written word.
I know you didn’t mean to write that, but I’m still glad you did. I got to go, I will be missing you like mad, love. Take care of yourself, for me. You’re my life now.

The music was so loud I could hear it over the roar of the bike as I parked in the garage a little after 5:30 that evening. I used the entrance from the garage instead of walking out to the front door and I think it was Metallica playing. But the music couldn’t quite keep my attention as I walked through the hallway towards the kitchen. She was dancing around in the kitchen, her hair damp, only wearing an oversize t-shirt and cooking. What the hell was it about women wearing my cloths that were so damn hot?! As she spun around and spotted me, her whole body beamed at me and I forgot how to breathe for a second. She was so beautiful in that moment and she was there, in my kitchen and I felt like that luckiest man alive. The helmet and jacket I was still holding in my hands crashed to the floor as she was suddenly in my arms. In that moment my action from this morning, to let her hanging seemed to be the best move I had ever done. She was eagerly almost forcefully kissing me, pulling my hair tightly in both hands. I quickly caught on to her mood and shrugged out of my jeans and boxers at the same time she tore the t-shirt over the head. Somehow we made it to the couch.

“What the hell are you doing?”

She panted, looking up at me as I stopped right before pushing into her. I wasn’t sure where the hell it was coming from or how I could stop it, but she really did make me lose my mind when she wouldn’t come with me to work. I needed her to be closer. She tortured me, making me wonder every second where she was. It was only fare I did the same to her, right? It seemed she saw what I was thinking and her eyes turned black with desire and need. I saw the marks I had left on her hours before and that were where I started. I pinned her arms over her head, making it impossible for her to touch me. I knew I would give in the moment she touched me and this was my time to let her lose control. It was probably a good thing that the music was so loud, because she was too and it might have made neighbors wonder if they should call the cops or something. I loved hearing her scream my name, probably a little too much and as she finally fell over the edge I made her scream louder than ever before when I leaned in to kiss her and at the same time I slammed inside her. I watched in satisfaction and I guess a bit smug as she to forget how to breathe, arching her back up to me. She had been able to do this to me quite a few times now but this time she was the one completely out of breath and really not knowing what to do with herself.
“I will never come with you to work.“
I starred at her. This was far from what I had hoped to hear from her. She was lying flat on her back on the couch, trying desperately to get her breathing back to normal. I was sitting by her feet, eyes every inch of her flushed and sweaty skin. Her stomach heaved in short, fast breaths and her hair was a tangled, wet mess. She continued in the next breath before I had a chance to protest.
“If this is what it’s like when you come home after a day away from me, I’m going to drag you away from here myself…. Fucking hell, Mr. Reedus that was…. I mean, holly shit that was intense.”
“Intense as in too-much-to handle or intense as I-wish-you to-do-that-again?”
“Oh, you’re defiantly doing that again… Just not today.”
She sat up and leaned over to kiss me softly. I loved the fact that we had the ability to change the character of this relationship so natural and quickly. Only minutes before we had fucked the shit out of each other. Now she was sitting on my lap, pulling the hair away from my face so she could gently kiss me. I traced my fingers lightly along her back, feelings the scares left there and it made her shiver.
“Do you want me to stop?”
“No, it’s nice.”
I pulled her hair together and placed it to her shoulder, making it possible to lean in and kiss the side of her neck.
“Sorry I bit you.”
I heard her chuckle a little as I kissed the mark right above her collarbone.
“If that’s the only mark you will leave, I will let you do it all over me.”
I tensed at her words and it seemed she realized what she had just said as the last words left her mouth. She forced my head upwards to look at her when I fringed away from her. Did she really think I would do that to her? What they had done?
“I’m sorry… Norman, I’m sorry, I didn’t… I know you wouldn’t hurt me like that. Hey…?”
She put a hand on my face and softly stroked her thumb over my lower lip before kissing me again and I kissed her back.
“What did you mean about what you texted earlier? That I was your life now?”
She kept stroking my face and hair but she wouldn’t look at me after her question. Her skin had gotten so soft since she finally got off the streets but I could still feel the marks on her back and arms as I kept tracing my fingers over her skin.
“You know what I meant… I love you, Lo. Everything I do now is for you. For us. I want there to be an us. I want a future with you.”
“What exactly does that include?”
“Whatever you want it include. All I know is that I gotta keep you in my life.”
“You know when normal people talk about the future it usually includes kids and marriage and buying houses and cars together.”
“I’m too old for another kid.”
“Yeah you are. And besides… No ovaries, remember? Ain’t gonna pop out any kids.”
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking.”
“I probably wouldn’t be able to bring a kid into this world anyway. Even if I could.”
“Why not?”
“Why? Because for about 25 of my 28 years old life, the world hasn’t been all that pretty. Not until really recently.”
“Are you calling pretty?”
“Well, you are. Pretty poster boy.”
“Shut up.”
“You’ve got quite the fan base out there.”
“Have you been using my ipad again?”
“I had to be doing something while you were away.”
“You don’t want them to know about you, do you?”
“No, I rather they didn’t.”
“What if I want them to know? What if I just want the whole world to know why I’m the luckiest man alive?”
“Does it have to be everyone on the damn planet Earth?”
“Not necessary right now. I will keep it within the family then.”
“That just it… You got a big ass family.”
“So?”
“So I don’t do people good…”
I burst out laughing when she spoke and she most have realized what she just said.
“Yeah, didn’t come out right.”
“No, it didn’t. Cause you’re doing me pretty good.”
“I don’t do family good, does that sound better? I can be kinda normal around you, when it’s just you and mean but… I mean, I couldn’t even get through the damn dinner with Andy and his wife last night without panicking. I know what you want. You want what he has, what Andy has with his wife. I can’t do that.”
“Not right now, maybe, but I can wait.”
“How long can you wait?”
“For as long as it takes. If this is as far as we’ll have gotten in 10 years time, I will wait another 10 years. Ok? No strings attached. I mean, this is at least the best sex I’ve ever had and you can go a long way on just sex, right?”
“You’re not fooling me, Mr. Reedus. You’re lying.”
“Yeah, sorry.”
I put a strain of her hair back behind her ear and left my hand stay on her cheek. She leaned into it and closed her eyes. The spell was broken by the alarm on her phone going of somewhere in the kitchen.
“Dinner’s ready.”
“What have you been making today?”
“Fish.”
“It smells great.”
She got up and pulled her shirt on, wincing slightly as she walked towards the kitchen.
“Soar, my love?”
“Yes. But in a good way, so don’t think you get to stop.”
“I wasn’t planning to.”