Nothing Really Matters

I-ain’t-nobody’s-bitch-days are over. I’m her bitch forever.

A black and white picture of her naked back with those absolute gorgeous tattoos that I loved, was the first picture of her on Instagram. Her hair was pulled to her right shoulder and her face was in profile, looking away from the camera. I know it wouldn’t be the last. Hell, she might even end up on there more times than my cat. I just loved taken pictures of her, she was so photogenic. We were finally alone in the suite an hour after midnight and she was standing at the glass wall, looking out over the neon lights bellow. When I finished the update I turned the phone of, knowing it would never stop ringing if I left it on. She was only wearing underwear and I felt a bit overdressed as I walked up to stand behind her.

“You ok?”

She looked at me through the reflecting glass, simply nodding her head. She kept her eyes on me as I started to unbutton the shirt.

“Are you?”

She spun around and her flick fingers found their way to the bottoms, getting the shirt of a lot faster then I would’ve managed it.

“Never been better, Mrs. Reedus.”
“You won’t ever get tired of saying that, will you?”
“Nope… Come here.”

I lifted her into my arms. She giggled and wrapped her arms around my neck.

“I should’ve done this at the threshold, huh?”

“This is better.”

She said as I placed her in the bed, climbing on top of her after leaving the jeans on the floor.

“Hey.”
“Hey.”
Her fingers stroke the hair out of my face.
“You’re not getting a haircut, are you?”
“Never.”
“Good.”
“You’re the first person who has asked me not to get a haircut.”
“I like you shaggy… This is going to get crazy, isn’t it?”
“Yeah. We should be fine in Georgia, but I’ve to talk to the press, try to calm things down a bit. They would like to talk to you too.”
“Yeah, I know… I’m just not sure that’s going to work.”
“We could do it together.”
“Hell yeah, there’s no fucking way I’m doing an interview on my own, you’ve crazy fans.”
“I know.”
“They’re gonna hate me, right?”
“Since when do you care about what other people think?”
“I don’t.”
“Good, don’t start now. Let me handle the fans. They’re gonna love you eventually.”

She rolled her eyes at me, knowing full well that I was only saying that to make her feel better. She would be hated.

“Thanks for lying to me.”

Her fingers hadn’t left my face once during our conversation. Her light fingers landed on my lips, softly running her thumb over my lower lip. Something she had done the very first time she had touched me. We both know that once I leaned in to kiss her, there would be no more talking. I put it of a few seconds more, just looking down at the beautiful creature who had agreed to be my wife. There was no reason to rush thing that night. We just took it slow, taken the time to explore each other in a way that hadn’t happened before. This was our time to make love, not just fuck. We had had time like this before of course, but it was still something that felt different. Better.

---------------------------------

I was sitting in the middle of the bed, reading some of the replays to his Instagram post from the night before, while eating pancakes.

“What’re you doing?”

He came back from the bathroom and joined me in bed, kissing me, before helping himself to some breakfast as well.

“Reading some of the replays from your Instagram last night. I love the picture by the way, it was great.”
“I told you. You’re beautiful… So what are people saying?”
“They’re shocked… Did you really say just last week that you were still single?”
“I don’t remember that I did, but I apparently I must have.”
“Most people are just shocked. I mean to them it must have seemed like we went from one kiss to being married the next day. And they wonder about the scars. But I guess they really just want to know who the hell I am, stealing you away from them… Mrs. Daryl Dixon. There’re actually a lot of well wishes though. More than I thought it would be…. I was thinking.”
“About what?”
“Do you really want me to talk to the press?”
“Not if you don’t want to, you don’t have to be part of this if you don’t feel comfortable about it.”
“But it’s part of you… The thing is… I don’t wanna hide anymore. I’m done trying to stay away from you because of what other people thinks or because I was afraid of what they would do, but now… I want to be able to share your life. All of it.”
“So what you said way back, a lifetime ago, that this would never become public…?”
“I said that?”
“Loud and clear if I’m not mistaken.”
“I guess things changed… I’m not saying it will be public, I don’t want to share every minute with every person on the planet.”
“Hell no, me nether.”
“Good… Then I thought that maybe Andy could interview us. You know, put together questions from fans on twitter or Instagram or whatever…”
“You could do that?”
“I think so.”
“Ok.”
“A lot of them are expecting a little asskicker…”

I watched him closely as I spoke, looking for a sign that he might agree. It had been in the back of my head after reading an interview he had done. He had said he’d love to more kids, a baby girl, but there really hadn’t been the right time to bring it up. And I guess I might actually be a bit scared of his answer. He hesitated a second and looked away from me when he answered. I knew that move too well by now. It was the way he looked when he wasn’t particularly going to lie to me, but felt very uncomfortable discussing whatever it was.

“No…”
“What the hell do you mean, no?”

His eyes flew back to me when I raised my voice. He looked confused and taken by surprise by my anger.

“Do we have to talk about this now?”
“Yes, we do!”
“Fine… The thing is….”
He trailed off and several long seconds past when he just poked at the pancake with his fork.
“I love you.”
“Don’t change the fucking subject.”
“Sorry… But I do love you. And I guess I just… I mean at first, before things got more fucked up and I knew what happened to you… I pictured a blond little baby girl with your eyes and my…”
“Stop right there… Why? You knew that would never happen. Could never happen. Why would you even…?”
“I know... I know, ok? I know that it won’t happen, but…”
“Do you want another kid, Norman?”

He finally looked at me.

“Want? Yes. But need one? No. I need you.”
“Jesus… Why the hell didn’t you say anything?”
“Because I know it wouldn’t matter.”
“Of course it matters.”
“What do you mean?”
“I love you and I want to make you happy.”
“You already have.”
“I know that but if this… I mean, I love seeing you with Mingus, you’re the best dad ever and I guess… I mean, it has crossed my mind.”
“What have?”
“Getting a kid, your dork. What did you think?”

He starred at me, his jaw actually dropping slightly and I couldn’t help but smile at him. He looked completely dumbfounded.

“Adoption then of course.”

He still didn’t move when I rose from the bed and left my finished breakfast plate at the trolley. He was in the exact same position when I returned but I decided he probably need some time to process what I had just said. I leaned back to the bedpost and began going through my inbox while waiting him out. He never spoke again, but suddenly he had grabbed the tablet out of my arms and kissed me. The kiss got deeper with each second and before I knew how it happened, he was on top of me, easing his way inside me, making me gasp in a mixture of surprise and pleasure.

“Adoption huh?”

It was the first words he spoke and we had made it into the shower.

“Yeah. But not now.”
“Absolutely not, I’m not ready to share you quite yet… Thank you.”
“Considerate this your wedding present. But you really should’ve told me.”
“It has never really been a good time for it and I haven’t really given it much thought lately. So much else have been going on.”
“You don’t say…?”
“Can we just go away somewhere? When we’re done filming, can we please just go somewhere, just us? I need some serious alone time to unwind. It was been the craziest 6 months ever.”
“I’d love that.”
“Do you ski?”
“I’m born in Boston, of course I ski… We use to celebrate Christmas in Vail. Just Alex and mom and I. It was the best time of the year.”
“Not your dad?”
“No. He always worked at Christmas, best thing he ever did.”
“Let’s go skiing then.”
“Italy. I’ve always wanted to go skiing in the Alps.”
“Italy it is.”

It was a new feeling for me; wanting to do something for someone else. But my happiness had suddenly been linked to him being happy. And it was scary as hell. Mostly because I never had felt like this before, but also because it put me in a whole new situation where he was relying on me. I needed him to be happy but he needed me just as much. Then there was the thing itself. Happiness. It had never been in my vocabulary before he came along and swept me completely of my ass. Now when I knew what life really was all about, how good it could be to be alive, I didn't want it any other way. If he wanted a daughter, so did I. It was just hard to wrap my head around the fact that, for once, I hadn't been able to figure it out. I think I didn't want to really. He had been completely in love with the Judith twins on set, taking every chance he got to hold them. Maybe that was when I had started to think about it as well. Not really allowing the thought to take shape, but somewhere far back at my mind I knew he would make a wonderful father. He already was the best kind to Mingus.

The craziness and what I had to get use to was thrown right in my face the following afternoon when we were heading to the airport. The moment we stepped outside the hotel to the waiting cab, the flashes went off like clockwork. I would probably have made a run for it if it hadn't been for him holding my hand in a tight grip. I pulled the hood of my jacket over my head and forced myself to follow him through the crowd with paparazzi, getting hold of Mingus's hand behind me to make sure he kept up. We were followed all the way to the airport and I just couldn't understand why it was so damn important to get pictures of us getting on a fucking airplane. We all looked like a mess, none of us getting enough sleep and Andy and Norman had probably been drinking a little too much. He had his Ray Bands on and just before we parked at the Vegas airport, he handed me a pair similar to his.

"Thanks..."
"Are you ok?"
"Fine. Let's just go home."

I put the shades on and could really appreciate being able to hind behind them a little. We never spoke again until we were at the gate, being shown into a private waiting area, courtesy of Andy getting pissed at security check point for letting some paparazzi slip through. I threw myself onto the luxurious black leather sofa and curled up to one corner. Mingus and his father had dived right at the food but I felt too confused to eat. The whole situation felt bizarre to me.

"Here... You need to get some sugar in you."

Andy handed me a Pepsi and sat down next to me. Once I took a zip I noticed how thirsty I really was and emptied the bottle within seconds.

"Thanks...."
"Come here."

He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me close. I don't really know what happened or why but when I leaned my head to his shoulder and he kissed the top of my still hood covered head, I started bawling. Ever since I had spent pretty much a whole week with Dr. Lucy Carter I had got a lot more sensitive but perhaps finally learning that it actually was ok to let down your guard completely and cry once in a while.

“Hey? What’s wrong?”

I felt pretty ridicules crying, but at the same time it was a relief. I needed this. The past 48 hours had been so intense and filled with so many different emotions. Putting that together with minimum of sleep, plus being completely flattened by paparazzi made me a complete emotional mess. I threw my arms around his waist and buried my face in his chest. He simply hugged me tighter and let me cry. Something Norman would never have done. He would’ve been too worried about what was wrong and tried to make me talk to him. Andy was easier that way, his personality was more suited to handle me crying. I could feel, rather than see Norman hovering but when he noticed I wasn’t letting go of Andy, he drifted away and let us have some privacy. Andy gentle stroked my back, hushing me now and then while waiting me out. The tears finally run out and it actually felt better. I dried my face on the sleeve of my jacket but stayed closely buried in his chest, although my tears had made his shirt wet.

“I’m sorry…”
“No, don’t be. You cry if you need to, nothing to be sorry about.”
“It’s just stupid… I don’t even know why I’m crying.”
“Well, I do. Would you like to know why…? It’s been less than 48 hours since you got back together with Norman. Since then you’ve been discovered by the press who has been on your ass like a fucking zit. And since you can never do anything normal you decided to get married, flew to Vegas, got married, probably spent your wedding night not sleeping at all and now we here, getting back to Georgia after being harassed once more of probably 100 paparazzo’s. Honestly, Lo, I would’ve been more surprised if you didn’t have a miner breakdown. You don’t have to be so damn strong and brave anymore, honey.”
“I’m still getting used that fact.”
"Just close your eyes and go to sleep, sweetie. You're exhausted."
"No I'm..."
"It wasn't a question, Lo. Go to sleep. I'll carry you on the damn plane."
"Thanks, Andy."
"I kinda love you, you know."
"Kinda love you too..."

The moment I closed my eyes, listening to the steady rhythm of his heart beat, I fell asleep.