Nothing Really Matters

The congratulations and well wishes never stopped that day. I've never received so many hugs in my life. Some of them caught me by surprise more the others. Lauren for example. She had hesitated a second before hugging him but he had just looked at me briefly and rolled his eyes at me, before hugging her instead of the other way around. The joy of everyone around was rubbing off on me though and I even hugged her. Briefly and quick, but still. I know they were mostly happy for him of course but it didn't matter. I just enjoyed every minute of seeing him so happy and I guess proud. The latter was harder to process for me though. It was just weird for me to be reason he was so happy and even weirder when he wanted to show the rest of the world the reason.

"You must be proud."

I found myself in the make-up trailer later that evening. It was too cold to be outside the entire day and I had escaped into the heat for a while. I had been on the phone, catching up with the latest gossip when someone suddenly spoke behind me. I turned and found a tall blond woman with intense green eyes in her late 30s maybe. I couldn't remember ever seeing her before.

"Sorry?"
"I know who you are."
"Good for you."

I tried to ignore her and went back to browse through the phone. She clearly only wanted to make a scene for some fucked up reason.

"London Richardson. You're the spoiled little rich whore from Boston."
"Do I fucking know you? Or what the hell is your problem?"

I knew it was stupid to take the bait but she was way out of line.

"I knew your father."

I got to my feet and left the trailer without another word. She followed even though I closed the door in her face.

"He told me about what you did when you were a kid. All the guys you fucked just to piss him of. How old were you, London, the first time? 11?"

Where the hell did this crazy chick come from? I gritted my teeth together and stalked towards the lights where they were filming. I just needed to see him and I know I would be able to calm down. I really just wanted to turn around and beat the bitch to the ground, but a little voice in my head told me that was probably what she wanted.

"Your father, Chr..."
"Don't fucking say his name!"
"What's wrong, London? Still scared of him are you? You killed him, why would you be scared? You killed your own father. You killed my man."
"Who the hell are you?"
"He was my lover."
"Whatever you say. Now leave me the hell alone."
"You took him away from me!"
"I did you a favor."
"He loved me!"
"He never loved anyone besides himself. Get the hell away from here before I call security."

I had finally got close enough that they were people only yards away from us and I could see Andy and Michael standing close by, talking. Being away from the streets for too long had apparently made me forget never to turn your back on your enemies though and when I turned away from her to walk up to the men, a hard blow hit the side of my head, making me fall to the cold and dirty ground. Her fist came down hard and fast but the adrenaline that filled me within less than a second, made me see black and I pushed her aside quickly. I think that I kept cursing with every blow and I could feel her scratch at my face, biting my arms, but it was nothing that I wasn't use to. It was easy to tune out that kind of pain and just keep hitting. When I finally got to my feet, getting ready to aim a kick to her head, I got pinned to the rock hard body if Michael, his arms coming crashing down hard around me. Although I kept yelling and kicking, he never let go. He simply carried me away from her sight and I felt like a 5 year old being told of for her tantrum.

"Let me the fuck go!"

He didn't speak at all, not even looking at me. Then I was suddenly under one of the tents and I could see Norman and Melissa before he put me in a chair.

"Don't move, missy!"
"Fuck you."

His hand landed on my shoulder but it was his stare that made me sit back down. He still scared me shitless. I managed to glare at him before crossing both arms and legs so hard I wasn't sure I would be able to uncross them ever again.

"I'll get you a first aid kit. Stay put!"

I couldn't find it in me to argue.

"What the hell happened to you?"

Norman suddenly kneeled in front of me and his fingers brushed away some hair from my face.

"There were this crazy ass bitch. She attacked me."
"Why?"
"No fucking idea."
"There's never a dull moment when you're around, is there?"

Michael had returned and handed him the green bag.

"What happened?"
"I'm not sure. But you should see the other chick... Damn, London, for being so fucking small you're one hell of a fighter."
"What did you do?"
"It was self defense!"
"Sure it was..."

He shook his head at me and a small smile played at his lips as he began to clean my face with his red rag.

"Thanks, Michael."
"It's like a damn romance novel."

I burst out laughing when he spoke, turned his back to us and walked away.

"Are you ok?"
"I'm fine. She only got one good blow."
"Good girl...Who was she?"
"No idea. Said something about being involved with my dad and shit."
"How the hell did she get in?"
"No idea. If she's smart she won't do it again."
"How come she’d be able to jump you to start with?"
"It's your fault. I've been off the streets for too long. I forget things."
"Like what?"
"Like never turn your back to your enemy, or to anyone really."
"Would you rather go back?"

His tone was suddenly harsh and his hands left my face. I stared at him, not knowing what to answer him. Of course I didn't but at the same time it had helped me survive. When I finally was able to connect my brain to my mouth again , it was too late. He rose quickly, threw the rag into my lap and stalked away. I hated fighting with him, mostly because it hadn't happened enough for me to learn how to handle it. A pissed Norman was still pretty unknown to me and I needed practice in how to deal with it without just me yelling back at him just for the sake of yelling. At the moment I decided to just let him be and concentrate on his job. I stayed behind, watching from afar for another hour.

"Lo."

Andy was suddenly by my side, his hand on my back.

"What?"
"Come on, I will take you home."
"Why?"
"Trust me. You don't wanna ride with him home tonight."
"What's he so pissed about?"

I really was lost this time around. I didn't understand what had made him so angry at me. Everything had been great at first and then he had just snapped. If he had been female I would've blamed it on the period but since he wasn't, I was clueless to his anger. I took Andy's advice however and let him drive me home. We were more than halfway home before he spoke again.

"You really don't know?"
"No... I don't have enough experience in fighting with him yet. I just said it was his fault I had forgotten the rules of basic survival."
"Look... I think he's still trying to recover from the past month. He knows you saved his life and I think he struggles to understand why you would do that. And at the same time I think he was thankful for every fucked up thing you have been put though, cause it saved his life. You know how to survive and how to protect yourself and more recently those you love as well. He hasn't had time to process what happened with your father yet. He hated feeling so helpless, not being able to protect you like he promised he would do."
"Wow... Why the hell aren't you married to him? This part of him... I just don't know how to deal with it yet. I mean I’m pretty damn good at reading him but this... You seem to know what you're talking about so why don't you talk to him?"
"Oh no, honey. This is your shit. I'm not getting in the middle of you fighting."
"I'm not sure we're fighting. He's just pissed."
"He's pissed at you, Lo. It's a fight."
"Fine... So what do you suggest I do?"
"For starters you might try to actually stick around this time."
"What the hell is that suppose to mean?"
"Come on, Lo. How well did your last fight go? I remember you being pissed, pushed him pretty damn hard, kicked me in the balls and spent the night out in the woods."
"When you say it like that it makes me sound crazy."
"You're crazy!"
"Fuck you!"
"It was meant as a compliment....! But if you want my advice... You really just have to talk to him. He needs to get shit of his chest and you just have to be able to take it. And don't go for the makeup sex."
"Why not? It has always worked before."
"Because you've got to stop using sex as your way to communicate. Use your word, you know talk to each other, with your mouths."
"I'm pretty good putting my mouth to use even th..."
"Ahhh! I don't need to know that, Lo! Fuck, that's just... Too much information."
"Sorry. But it's hard not to go for the easy way out. And he's... Damn, he's hot when he's mad. I just can't get words out when he's standing there, angry as hell and just looks so..."
"So don't look at him."
"But he's so hot!"
"You know what, I give up on you people. Go ahead and fuck the hell out of each other."
"I like that a lot better than talking..."
He groaned in frustration and slammed a fist into the steering wheel.
"Andy, I'm only messing with you. I'm sorry. I'll talk to him. I'll try to talk to him... Before we move on to the sex."
"Suit yourself. But I'm telling you, you need to talk. He told me you saw a shrink in Boston. You might even consider doing that together."
"You really think he'd need that?"
"Yes I really do think he needs that. You both do. It hasn't really been an easy ride for the two of you."
"Yeah... I will think about it. She is coming down here next week."
"It seems to have done you good. I'm glad you decided to continue with it."
"It really did help. I mean I would never have been crying like that and certainly not in your arms."
“You can cry as much as you like, honey.”
“Really? I got the impression you were mad at me as well.”
“No, I’m not mad at you, Lo. It’s just frustrating to see the two you so… Stupid. You’re acting like fucking teenagers.”
“Give us some time.”
“You’re supposed to be grown-ups. He’s 46 years old, for fucks sake but you’ve made him a love sick teenager.”
“And don’t you just love him for that? It’s great.”
“Yeah, I do love seeing you in love but then there’s stuff like this. It’s a damn rollercoaster.”
“It sure is. I hate fighting with him, I hate that I say the wrong things, or that he takes it the wrong way but… at the same time, I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“I know that… Well, here you go. Home sweet home.”
“It really is home now, isn’t it? My own home.”
“I hope so. You deserve it.”

He grabbed my hand and kissed it lightly before I stepped out of the car.

“Thanks for the ride, Andy.”
“You’re welcome, sweetheart. See you tomorrow.”

I closed the car door and walked into the house through the garage. The Scrambler was probably faster than Andy’s car but he wasn’t home yet and I was thankful for it. I didn’t even bother turning on the lights in the house. I liked the darkness. It made me feel safer somehow, like I could hide from the outside world. I crawled on to the couch and pulled a blanket close around me and just sat there, letting my mind wander. I could hear his stomping footsteps not even 15 minutes later. The garage door slammed and it crossed my mind that Andy was totally right in calling him a teenager at the moment.

“London!”

He yelled out as I could finally spot him in the dark, making his way to the fridge to grab a drink.

“Yes?”

I would’ve like nothing more than to yell right back at him, but I composed myself and forced my voice to sound as calm and soft as possible. He switched on the light over the sink and squinted towards me. My eyes had got used to the dark already and I could see him clearly where he stood half hidden in the shadow and it accrued to me that maybe this was what I needed to be able to get through this without wanting to rip his cloths of and fuck him on the spot.

“We need to talk.”
“Yes. But could you do me a favor and stay over there?”
“Why?”
“Andy pointed out that it might be easier for me to be able to actually talk to you if I couldn’t see you.”
“That’s fucking stupid.”
“Not if you think about the fact that we’ve never be able to get through a fight by actually talking it out. We only end up having sex.”
“Oh… Fine!”
He took a step back.
“So why are you pissed at me?”
“Really, Lo? You’re losing your touch… No, wait I guess, that’s my fault too! Seeing as you rather still be out on the fucking streets!”
“I never said that.”
“Well, that was what it sounded like. You rather still be out there being able to beat some bitch to the ground then having this?!”
“Of course not! I want this, I need this. I just never thought I would forget how to defend myself. I will need to get use the idea that I don’t need my survivals skills anymore. You’re really overreacting to this.”
“I’m overacting?! To the fact that we got married 2 days ago and the first thing you get you try found a way out!”
“What? Are you fucking serious?! Why the hell would I want to leave? You’ve got to stop this shit! I’m not leaving! I just got back for God’s sake. Why the hell did we get married if you doubt this so much?”
“I’m not the one in doubt, I know what I want, but you… You just….!”
“I what, Norman?!”
“You can just get up and leave. It just feels a bit unbalanced…”
“What the hell are you talking about?! You don’t think I love you enough? Is this what the problem really is about? That you think you love me more then I love you? That I don’t need you just as much as you need me?”
“You know that’s the truth! A normal person doesn’t leave the one she claims to love!”
“So that’s suddenly important?! That what we have is normal?!”
“It’s always been important! I don’t do the fucked up, not this kind of fucked up! I want you to be my wife. I want us to be everything that should include. I want to be able to take you out for dinner and make out in Central Park without being afraid you will freak out because someone is watching or because you get it into your head that I don’t love you anymore. Coz I know you will someday just forget everything that I’ve said and done for you and what the hell happens if I’m not around when that happens?! I’ve never really understood what those years on the streets did to you until today. They’re the reason you’re still alive, they made you survive and that makes it your safe zone, the place you can always come back to and feel somewhat safe. What happens when you feel the need to get back to the streets? It’s part of you and I just don’t know how big that part is. I’m always going to be scared shitless that that part of you is going to take over everything else some day. Your demos might not be here in physical form anymore, but they’re still in your head. From what I heard you were going to kick that bitch in the head. That’s just fucked up, Lo. You can’t be that person anymore if we’re ever going to have something close to normal.”
“It was self defense, she hit first!”
“What would you have done if Michael hadn’t stopped you? Would you’ve killed her?”
“I don’t know. I would’ve done whatever it took to survive. I’ve always had and I always will. And that includes you too.”
“You’ve got to stop living out there!”
“I’m trying! I thought I proved that when I came back. But I guess that wasn’t good enough for you!”
“It’s not about what’s good enough, Lo.”
“Yes it is! That’s exactly what this is about. You don’t think I’m trying hard enough!”
“Are you?!”
“Why the fucking rush all of the sudden?! You said you would give me time, 10 years if it came to that! What the hell happened to that promise? Huh?! And what the crap about having something normal?! You knew what you got yourself into! I told you time and time again that this would never be normal and I remember you saying you never wanted normal anyway.”
“Well, maybe I changed my mind!”
“The last 2 hours?!”
“I want what we had this afternoon. All the fucking time!”
“Then why the hell are you standing there yelling at me for?”
“I want to be that guy. I want to be able to share what we have with every fucking person on planet. Greg wanted to through a party for us and it just hit me that you would never want to do that and it just pisses me off! I want us to be normal enough to make others jealous of what we have.”
“And what exactly is that? Cause right now, this is nothing you should feel proud of sharing with anyone. You’re just being a fucking ass right now.”
“So are you!”
“Fine… Could we just call it even?”
“Hell no! I win!”
“Sure you do, but you’re the one sleeping on the couch.”
“Seriously?”
“Yes.”
“What about makeup sex?”
“Now we can’t really have makeup sex if we’re not done fighting, can we?”
“We’re not done?”
“You’re not done, but I really can’t take more bullshit from you right now so I’m going to bed. And give you time to really think about what the hell it is that you really need to sort out. And you might consider that I want you to… Well, I want us to talk to my shrink together. She’s coming down here next week and I think you might need to talk to her just as much as I do cause right now, you’re not making any sense to me.”
“I’m not making much sense to myself ether…. I love you, Lo.”
“I love you too. Good night.”
“Are you seriously going to let me sleep on the couch?”
“Yes. “

I closed the door to the bedroom in his face and I could hear him curse under his breath on the other side of the door.

…………………………………..

I wasn’t usually the one to be this moody. She had had the effect on me from the beginning, to bring out sides in me I didn’t even know I had. And sometimes, like this side, wasn’t even one I wanted. It was just frustrating. She was frustrating. I think it all came down to a suggestion from Greg that we really should throw a party to celebrate. It probably shouldn’t have been much to react to but I know she wouldn’t want to go. She didn’t do a normal thing as celebrating the fact that she had just gotten married. She would hate being the center of attention. She had barely made it through the hugs from the closest cast and crew. Then she goes and does something as stupid and beat a chick to the ground, pretty bad too from what Andy told me afterward. I couldn’t help but wonder if that part of her would ever go away. The need to be able to protect herself, of always be on her guard, was such a big part of her life and I just needed it to stop. Now! I knew it was selfish as hell from my part but I had given her so much I rather felt it was her time to give back. Her answer to things getting hard was to run. She had ran twice already and the frustration and fear of when the next time might be just made me snap that night. I had even half expected her not to be there when I get home and that in itself was just insane. I hated that she could do that to me and I hated it even more that she didn’t seem to understand why. And although it was stupid as hell and probably not of great importance compared to everything else, I hated that she suddenly seemed to be able to restrain herself from ripping my cloths of and fuck me and instead closing the door in my face and let me sleep on the couch. Not that I slept much that night but I must have dozed off early in the morning because when I woke the first light of the day started to creep into the living room and she was sitting cross legged in the other couch, looking at me.

“Morning.”
“What time is it?”
“5:30. You’re not late yet.”
“Good…”
“Are you still pissed?”

I sat up and looked over at her. It looked like she had been crying and normally that would’ve made me run to her and demand to know what was going on. But this time I knew what was going on and I knew I was the reason for it but I couldn’t find it in me to feel bad about it.

“Yeah, I am.”
“Ok… So what do you want me to do about it?”
“I want you to want to change. I can’t help you with this, Lo. Not anymore. I don’t know how. “
“Change? You want me to change?”
“Yes. If this is going to be any kind of the normal that I want and need you’ve to stop wanting to kill everyone who approach you. We’ve been back in the real world for a fucking day and you already have blood on your hands. Literally. I can’t live like this, always fear what the hell you’re going to do next. What if there’s a paparazzi next? Or a fan? You don’t have to fight for your life anymore, Lo!”
“I know that!”
“Then what the hell happened last night?”
“Would you have been able to step back? Letting some fucked up bitch beat the hell out of you?!”
“You should’ve come to me!”
“I did! I was on my way to you when she jumped me. What the hell was I suppose to do?! I don’t know how not to defend myself. I knew I could take her down so I did. If it had been someone else, someone like Michael for instance, I would’ve run.”
“Not every person the planet is out to get you, you know. There’re mostly good people on this earth.”
“What the hell is it that you want me to do?! You know what the fuck I’ve been through. Have you suddenly forgotten all about what they’ve put me through for the past 25 years? I’ve been part of your life, of this world for 6 months, Norman! 6 months! I’ve never known anything else until you came along. It’s not as easy as turning of a switch, I wish it was, I truly do. I want what you want too. Tell me what you want me to do and I will do it.”
“Since when do you care about what I want?”
“Oh, fuck you! That was a fucking low blow and you know that!”
“Yeah, sorry, I know… Well, to start with, we really need to this interview.”
“I’ve already told you I will do it. It was my idea, remember? Why is that so important?”
“You know why.”
“No, I don’t know why it’s important to you. I know why it’s important to AMC, but why is it important to you?”
“Because I love you! And I want everyone to know that. I want them to know you’re mine and there isn’t anyone else. I mean I’ve 10 chicks propose to me every damn event we do and I’m just getting fucking tired of it. It’s always been you and none else.”
“Well, at least for the past 6 months…”
“Yeah… I know this goes against everything I just said but I also want them to know how proud I am about how long you’ve come. And I want us to go to that therapist together.”
“Ok.”
“And you need to promise not to run off again. Ever again. No matter what the hell happens you can’t just run.”
“I promise.”
“Good, thanks.”
“Is that all? I mean, if there’s anything else, just let it out right now since we’re already fighting.”
“We did just have a fight, didn’t we? And you stayed.”
“See? I’m really trying here. Although I’m still confused to why the hell you got pissed in the first place but it doesn’t really matter. I’m learning to deal with this side of you as well, but it might take some time. I hope. I really don’t like fighting with you.”
“Me nether. But I think I needed to get it all out. There’s so much going on right now and I’m just… Having a hard time getting it all in my head. “
“What part?”
“Well, the fact that we got married first of. Then you suddenly agree to the fact that I want another kid and that’s just… Caught me off guard to say the least.”
“Me too. I’ve never wanted to make someone else happy. And I knew this would make you happy.
And I know that if you’re happy, so am I.”
“Kiss and make up?”
“You’re done yelling?”
“For now.”
“Ok, good.”

She launched herself towards me and knocked me to my back as she kissed me hard. I couldn’t help but feel pretty damn pleased that she hadn’t quite gotten over her need to rip my cloths of.

“Damn, I really thought I would be able to not to do this.”

Her head was resting on my heaving chest, both of us trying to get back to normal, and her fingers were lightly tracing my tattoo. I chuckled a little and she gave back by slapping my shoulder.

“Hey!”
“Sorry… I’m just glad you couldn’t resist. I wanna take you out tonight.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. I want to take you out for dinner.”
“Ok, sure, I would love to.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, of course. What did you expect?”
“I’m not sure.”
“I’m really trying here. I told you, I want what you want. I really do want the normal stuff too, but it’s going to take time. You said it yesterday, we’ve been back in the real world for one day. Yeah sure, it could’ve ended better, but it can only get better, right?”
“You suddenly see the world from the glass is half-full perspective?”
“Yeah, well, I’m trying to anyway.”
“I love you.”
“I know. I love you too.”