Nothing Really Matters

It really sucked being in the house without him. The first couple of hours were fine but as the evening approached I started regretting my decision about staying home. Not even cooking kept me occupied. But as I turned to watch some TV, the camera caught my attention. It looked simple enough even for someone like me to use. A small, slightly more advanced handy cam. I headed to the study and fired up the computer and plugged in the camera. I wasn't sure what I actually wanted to do with the material but as I started watching our interview I got the crazy idea of posting it online right away. I knew AMC wanted to edit it, making sure we didn't say or do something they didn't like. Which probably meant half the damn interview would be changed. He might have a contract with them but I didn't.

"Are you out of your fucking mind?!"

His yelling made me wake with a jerk, falling out of the chair and down on the floor. As I managed to struggle out of the wires and cloths and my own arms and legs, I looked up and found him doubling over in laughter in the doorway.

"What the fuck! You complete ass! What the hell is wrong with you?!"

Apparently I had fallen asleep at the computer and he thought it was a good idea scaring me to death. I glared at him, or tried to at last. I loved his laughter a little too much to want it to stop. He joined me on the floor moments later, wrapped me into his arms and kissed me, still laughing.

"Ok...?"
"You're completely out of your fucking mind, Mrs. Reedus. Do you have any idea how much trouble I'm in right now?"
"Are you mad?"
"Me? Hell no. Fuck'em. AMC would've changed the whole thing. But you got some balls, kid. And that is why I love you so damn much."
"Have you seen it?"
"No. But apparently I posted a Youtube link to the whole thing on my Twitter and Instagram. Care to tell me how you hacked my accounts?"
"No hacking here, Mr. Reedus. But you should learn to log off once you're done."
"Fare enough."
"What time is it?"
"About 4 in the morning. How long have you been sleeping?"
"No idea. But I could need a few more hours."
"Good."

He rose from the floor and scooped me into his arms before heading for the bedroom to catch up on some much needed sleep and without a doubt some lovin’ as well…
Married life was passing by smoother than I ever could have imagine it would after our first day back in Georgia. I think we really needed to clear the air a bit seeing as so much had happen in such a short period of time. We had spent a whole weekend with Dr. Carter together just sorting so much shit out, but it was almost all in vain because of Sean. He had almost made me go back to starting point all over again. Meeting strangers was still something I hated and would probably never get use to and when it came so unexpected it was 10 times worse. I parked the car in the driveway without Norman that night. He was spending a night out with the boys. It got so dark outside the city and so fast and I hadn’t quite got use to it yet. When I put the key in the door, I could feel and smell him before I saw him. He came from the darkness right to the door, the alcohol strong on his breath. Not overwhelming but he had been drinking more than enough.

“Hey!”

I froze solid to the ground when I felt his hand on my shoulder. The panic I hadn’t felt for so long came back so fast it felt like the very ground caved in underneath me. My mind went back to survival mood so fast he had no time ether speak or take another step before I had opened the door and ran inside the house, heading straight for the kitchen and grabbed the closest knife I could find and hid behind the counter. I could hear him in the doorway, breathing, every single sense being on hyper alert for every tiny movement and sound. It felt like I was back in New York all over again. I had really thought I had been able to repress this kind of behavior, but smelling the alcohol in the dark took me straight back to so many nights with John. The mere thought of his hands on me again made me want to puke.

“London?”

The door closed behind him and I listen as he took a few steps into the room. I could even tell he stumbled on the third step and ended up further to the left, bumping the small table lightly. I had promised Norman never to do this again. I had promised I wouldn’t be this person anymore. I didn’t want to be that person. This person. Cowering in the kitchen with a knife big enough to kill someone with. But at that point I was no long in control of my own mind. My body did what it had been taught to do, protect itself and my mind from further harm. My mind had always been the weak part, always believing there would be a better day or an easier way out. Each day with John had proved me wrong time and time again.

“I’m sorry if I scared you, I’m a friend of Norman’s.”

Hearing his name made me more aware of the knife in my hand. As much as I needed to protect myself, I needed to protect him too. When he came around the corner and saw me, I jumped to my feet, the knife pointing at him and he staggered to a halt, the tip of the blade making a tiny hole in his shirt. The adrenaline probably made the alcohol burn right of and he looked wide awake seconds later.

“Hey…”

He raised both arms in defense and backed away.

“Get the hell out of this house!”
“I came to see Norman. I guess he forgot to tell you I was coming. We’ve known each other for….”
“I don’t give a shit!”
“You’re London, right?”
“Get the hell away from me!”
“I think I might need to call Norman.”
“Don’t you fucking move!”

He stopped his movement towards his back pocket when I moved the knife closer to his chest.

“Alright, alright, chill, girl…. Are we just going to stand here?”
“You could leave!”
“Don’t think so, kid. I came to see Norman, where is he?”

I don’t think I have ever been so still in my entire life. For more than 2 hours, I barley moved as much an inch. He had moved a few times, but each time the knife had followed every tiny movement he had made and he had stopped at once. Ether of us spoke and he had torn his eyes away from me after a while, but mine didn’t leave him. He jumped when the front door opened and the lights in the living room came on.

“London….?”

I didn’t see him but I could hear him. My eyes were still locked on the stranger in front of me, the knife raised to his chest, almost touching him once again. He hadn’t dared to turn away from me. I saw a blurred figured at first, someone that was very familiar even though I could only focus on the edges of him. He had been the first one to be able to break through my walls a life time ago now it seemed and he was able to do so again. His hand closed around my wrist and I was able to see him clearly, standing right next to me, trying to force the knife away from my stiff fingers.

“Let go, Lo, please.”

I could see him trying to locate my gaze but I was still fixed on the figure in front of me. I hadn’t really looked at him until now, only seeing a mixture of John and whoever the stranger was. Now, when I could finally see him clearly I had a vague memory of seeing a picture of him with Norman somewhere in the house. He most have said something cause suddenly the stranger was no longer in front of me. He was. And I was still holding the knife, pointing directly at his heart. His eyes finally locked with mine and the knife fell to the floor at the same second.

“Hey…?”

He reached up a hand to my face and for the first time in forever, I flinched away from his touch, but regretted it in the same movement I saw his face fell. I took a step back and the thought to turn around and ran out the backdoor had barely had time to form before he took one quick step forward and wrapped his arms around me. At first I fought, trying to hit his chest and arms but he didn’t as much as move, he just stood there, taking every punch. I’m not sure why it happened but I think my body finally connected with my brain again, feeling his familiar arms around me. My body had been so used to the beating but for the past six months his arms and body had been the most familiar aspect of my life. I pressed myself against him, allowing him to hug me even tighter and I wrapped my arms around him so tightly it must have hurt him, it sure hurt me.

“I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry, Lo…”

His voice in my ear made the tears finally spill over. I had been terrified for the past 2 hours and finally having him there again, feeling his safe arms around me, made me lose it completely. I clung to him like he was the last person on earth, my lifeline. And I guess in most ways he actually was just that. I was somewhat aware of the blond man standing behind us, but the tears made my vision blurry and all I really could focus on was my husband. He picked me up into his arms and before I knew it, he placed me in our bed. I crawled into a small ball in his arms and cried until there were no more tears left and I drifted off to sleep.

.......................................

When I returned to the kitchen, I found Sean by the sink, putting some cold water on his face. When he turned around to face me, his hands were shaking.

“Fuck, man….”
“Yeah, sorry about that.”
“Sorry…? Holly, shit, Norman, what the hell is she….?”
“I thought you weren’t coming until tomorrow morning?”
“I managed to take an earlier flight. Seems now, that was one hell of mistake….”
“Yeah, we should… You want something to drink?”
“Hell yeah. After that I might need a lot more than one.”
“What happened?”

I handed him a beer before both of us crashed in the couch.

“Don’t know, man. I guess I might have spooked her a bit and she… I mean, fuck, I’ve never seen someone so freaked out before. What the hell is her problem?”
“Mostly strangers.”
“She scared the hell out me, man.”
“I think it was the other way around really…. She ain’t good at handling surprises. Did you by any chance see the interview we did right after we got married?”
“Haven’t got around doing that yet. I was gonna but… You know…. Why?”
“Would explain a lot of shit, that’s all.”
“Why don’t you explain, cause right now she’s the craziest ass bitch I’ve ever met and you if any should know that’s saying something.”
“Yeah… Fuck, man I’m really sorry about this. How long did she hold that knife at you?”
“An hour, two, I don’t know…”
“Shit… I really thought this crap was over. Did you do anything else then just, you know, show up?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, did you touch her? And you weren’t completely sober, right?”
“I might have had a shot or two at the airport… And, yes I tried to touch her. Guess that was a big mistake as well.”
“Yeah, big mistake.”
“Fuck. What the hell happened to her? Where did you find this chick?”
“On the streets of New York.”
“She was homeless?!”
“Yeah.”
“Shit…”
“That’s not the worst part.”
“What’s the worst part?”
“She has been abused her entire life. Both physical and mentally and… Sexual. First by her father then by this… Other guy.”
“And you just rescued her?”
“I tried to at first, but then we rescued each other really. It’s insane, man. I can’t live without her. It’s never been like this before, with anyone. You know?”
“So what do I need to do?”
“What?”
“Well, I wouldn’t like to get on the wrong side of Mrs. Reedus, if you know what I mean? What do I need to do to make it up to her?”
“Right now you just need to give her some space.”
“You want me to leave?”
“No, hell no, you can stay. I’ll talk to her, right now she just needs to sleep it off. It will be alright… I think.”
“When did this happen? I mean, how the hell did you managed to make her fall in love with you? Going all the way to this, getting married and all?”
“It’s been a damn mess from the start.”
“Yeah, I kinda figured that much. Haven’t heard much from you since before the summer, man.”
“Yeah, I know. It’s been… Fucked up to say the least.”
“So you’re her bitch now?”
“Fuck, yeah.”
“You’re completely insane, you know that right?”
“I’ve been told a few times by now, yeah. I’m sorry I’ve been such a shity friend, man. It’s just…”
“You don’t have to apologize, Norm. This is the way it should be, isn’t it? When finally meeting the love of your life?”
“Not sure she’s the love of my life. She’s more than that…. I mean, we’ve been married for just 3 weeks tomorrow but it’s like we’ve always been, you know? I don’t even see anyone else anymore.”
“So no point taking you to a strip club for a late bachelor party then?”
“No point at all. You could invite every fucking Victoria Secret Angel and I’m still not going to give a shit. It’s just her.”
“Really? You’re not going to screw anyone else ever again?”
“Are you fucking kidding me? You’re supposed to be the more religious one. In what religion is it ok to fuck anyone else but your wife?”
“You’re Norman fucking Reedus, man. There’s a least 1 million chicks out there that would spread their legs for you.”
“Shit, Sean, stop that crap…! I won’t need anyone else then her for the rest of my life. In any way. Least of all when it comes to sex. I’m having a hard time keeping up with just her. No time over for anyone or anything else.”
“She’s the best one you ever had?”
“By far… No competition what so ever, man.”
“Fuck… Now I’m even more jealous.”
“You should be, man.”
“Except from the psycho bitch part.”
“I really thought she had moved past this shit.”
“Has this happened before?”
“She has had some… Fall outs. Nothing like this though in a long time. You must really have caught her in the wrong time. I swear, she’s normally not like this.”
“So married life is treating you good?”
“Awesome. It’s been really great for the past 3 weeks. Not much alone time though, but it’s been really great. She loves being on set so that helps.”
“So you’re still alive?”
“Hell yeah. We finish in just two weeks though.”
“Then what?”
“We’re going to Italy for a few weeks. A little late honeymoon I guess.”
“You look beat, man. You really don’t need to entertain me, go to bed. I’ll be fine on my own, I need to crash too.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah.”
“Fine. See ya tomorrow, man.”